stuckonstopped

Hi,

I somehow found this site awhile ago searching for something recovery related (obviously) and am glad I did. I've been checking it out ever since in my typical lurking fashion....so this is my first post.

I lied in the title to the thread, I've probably only done about 60 or 70 meetings over the course of the last 88 days, and I'll have my 90 days on Wednesday, but who's counting? Still, it's a start and the longest I've been sober since I started drinking/using.

I guess the short version of my story goes like: functional alcoholic, relatively low bottom, anxiety-stricken and lonely which is why I drank, and drank in isolation (or was I isolated/lonely because I drank?....chicken/egg thing). Anyway, I've been going to AA for the last year or more, have a sponsor but was too smart for the program, or so I thought.

I finally ended drinking myself out of a marriage of 9 years to the woman I love, and have had enough. I knew the threat of her leaving was real, but I went ahead drinking anyways, as we are apt to do, and I don't blame her for losing complete hope in me. Funny thing is, I haven't had a drink since she left, and now that I'm alone there is really nothing stopping me. But I became scared of how I felt physically and had a vision of me dying alone, not being found for several days, or in a hospital with nobody to visit and thought this really can't be what I was meant to do. I knew it all along but, that fear, which I still have today is I guess what I needed to finally do this thing, and do it for me (not to stay employed, or stay married, or befriended, etc.), but for ME. So it is a healthy fear.

Sorry for such a long post but thought I'd get my intro out of way. My problem today and for the past week or so is I've just been feeling hung-over sort of. Not physically thank God, but mentally just in a fog and not really motivated or excited about much and getting agitated easily. I used to think I was only that way because of the drinking, but these feelings seem to be getting more acute as more sober time passes by.

I can't say I have a lot to look forward to socially, so that may be part of the problem. But I don't really know much about being social anyway, at least when I first try to meet people...so chicken/egg again. I'm just really missing my wife, but don't see a way for us to get back together after what she's been through with me, and I don't really have many friends other than AA people. And even that is kind of sketchy at best.

I guess I kind of thought if I got physical and mental sobriety, then the spiritual part would work itself out. But I guess there's actual work in that! I know my life as it is now isn't enough to keep me sober and I'm just wondering how normal it is to feel all these things after 90 days.

Thanks and sorry again for the long post, just had to get it out.....I hope to be more pithy later on.

wellwisher

Hi stuck... welcome to SR!

I found my recovery through AA as well. I couldn't do it alone, and despite several "early" attempts to hear the AA message, I continued down that slippery slope to a point of desperation beyond measure. That was a long time ago, and I am extremely grateful for my AA recovery.

I found true recovery to be in the step work.

I had a LOT of work to do, but it was worth it every step of the way.

So glad to see you here, glad to see you going to AA (have you got a sponsor to help you through the step work?), and glad to see you are savvy enough to get a grip on your drinking before it takes you ALL the way down.

You will find a lot of support here....all the best!

endlesspatience

Thank you so much for your excellent post and well done to making it to the 90 day mark. That really is an achievement. Like you, it took me a long time to get to that point. I reached 90 days earlier this month.

I am not at all surprised that you feel sad and lonely now that your wife has left you. Anybody would feel rotten in such a situation and even the benefits of sobriety don't seem to compensate for such a loss. But I suppose you can reassure yourself by saying that to be drunk and out of control would just make the sad and lonely feelings much worse as alcohol is a depressant.

I'm interested what you say about spiritual part of the programme "working itself out". I think like the rest of the programme, it takes a bit of work. I find that reading the book Daily Reflections, praying and going to church works well for me in developing the spiritual side of the programme. Other people say that medidation, yoga, walks in the country or listening to music help develop their spiritual side. I think everyone has their own approach.

LaFemme

Welcome Stuck and congrats on all your time...that's awesome.

I had periods where I felt like I was in a fog occasionally during the first 6 months or so....haven't experienced it in awhile but I know what you are talking about.

I found counseling to be a big help for me learning how to live again, how to embrace life and live it to the fullest. You are right, there is so much more to lifethan drinking ourselves to death! But getting really well takes a little patience and time!

SR helped me tremendously with my early sobriety and the loneliness I felt, now I have other outlets.

Give it time and take care of your self.

stuckonstopped

Thanks all for the replies and encouragement. I've gotten a lot just from reading through the forums on this site and it always helps to know I'm not alone. It's that I've really never figured out how to be a part of "we". Kind of my nature.

What I meant by that was that my first several approaches to getting sober I focused on physical and mental sobriety, and neglected the spiritual side, probably because I didn't put much stock into the benefits of that. Well, now I'm at least physically sober, but mentally still kinda going through gyrations in my head ruminating about the past and what went wrong with my marriage, and worried about the future and being alone.

Well, we know that's not going to get me anywhere, but still it's hard to let go and trust that a HP has what's best for me in store. NOt that I don't believe in a HP, just that I'm not sure He believes in me, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

So more than anything, I'd say I just feel kind of stuck on stopped (drinking that is), but don't feel much progress otherwise.