JennaRose

I had my last drink (up til satruday) on May 27th. I lost my dad's car, my purse, my shoes, my phone and my dignity. It has been a struggle for years and has only been getting worse. I was also using pot on a regular basis. And taking xanax everyday.

Both were coping mechanisms for me, coping with my past, stress, anxiety etc. I put myself into outpatient rehab but have slipped a few times. I smoked weed a couple times and felt horrible about it. I am very honest with my rehab and always tell them when i mess up.

This past weekend i drank. I hate it. I hate myself for it but i also know I cannot beat myself up about it or I am not going to make it very far. I just feel lost. My parents don't understand why I can't drink a few, they don't accept that I'm an alcoholic.

I need help! I go to group meetings three days a week, i meet with my counselor once a week and i go to AA once a week- I need to go to more meetings but I dont' have a car. Im hoping to find some support on here and would love peoples words, advice, stories...anything... I need connections with people who understand my current struggle

Anna

Hi,

I'm glad you are back and working on your sobriety.

I think the best thing is to figure out what happened that caused you to drink again, and find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. Were you triggered by a person, a place? Know that you can do this!

eJoshua

I'm sorry that you don't have the support/understanding of your parents, I'm sure that must be difficult. Your honesty is really good though, I think that's a good thing. When we're in the grips of our addictions our lives are based around deception, so you being honest about your struggles is a good sign.

Don't hate yourself for relapsing -- it happens to a lot of people. I have relapsed many many times. The important thing is that you try again. Don't let yourself feel shame for relapsing -- for me that has only ever led to more drinking.

Best of luck to you, you can make it!
-Josh

JennaRose

I can be honest with the people I meet at my meetings more so than with my family. Im worried that if they find out that I relapsed they are going to turn on me. Their judgement is what forces me to hold this stuff in.

There are times when I think I know what lead me to drinking and drug use, but then I second guess it. I'm just really lost.

Im nervous about going to my group tonight because I'm so emotionally strained and I don't want to look weak infront of everyone and lose it. I am the only person there who is self-referred. Everyone in there is court-mandated so I almost feel like they don't really care and I don't want to put them out by having to listen to my problems...

Fenris

Jenna, I think it's important to have people you can be honest with, even when you feel like you're at your lowest. If you don't trust the people in your group enough to share how you feel with them, then what's the point of going? Relapses aren't required in recovery, but they do happen to a lot of us (including myself). All you can really do is try to figure out what led you to take that first drink and try to protect yourself from that.

I know that pretty much anyone from my AA home group would be happy to offer a ride to a meeting to anyone that needed one. It's part of service work and also falls under the Responsibility Declaration (and besides, most of them are just nice like that...strange as that seemed at first) -- maybe you could ask around and see if you could catch a ride to a few more meetings? And if you're looking for someone to be there to listen and help you through everything, getting a sponsor is really good for that. Hope some of that helped.

--Fenris.

MycoolFitz

Are there other groups available? I think right now you need to worry less about your parents' feelings and mor about your own well being. I'm not a good in person sharer, maybe why I rely on SR, but I do whatever I can to make my sobriety work and for all the work its worth it. I know it will be for you. Trust the sober you, you're worth it.

GracieJane

Hi Jenna! I need the connection too, and I definitely know the feeling of being lost. And while family support is great, it isn't going to be the determining factor in your recovery - that power is yours! When people close to me disappoint, I just tell myself that if they knew better, they'd do better and I forgive and move on. There's freedom in being able to do that. Keep posting! You sound pretty on the ball to me, relapse or not.

Dee74

Welcome Jenna

I used drugs as booze as universal coping strategies too - the support I found here at SR helped me sort some stuff out and turn things around.

I hope we can do the same for you too

D

artsoul

Glad you've joined us, JennaRose. This place is a great source of support 24/7. I'm sorry things are hard right now for you. I can only say that I felt a bit lost myself when I first got sober, but things kept improving a little each day.

You're doing a lot of good things for yourself. All your hard work will pay off. Keep taking it one day at a time.......

BunnyLoves

SoberRecovery is a very comfortable place to be indeed! This is one of the tools I have used to stay sober the past 16 days. Welcome, and you already have new friends in all of us.

JennaRose

Thank you everyone. I'm currently dealin gwith withdrawl from my xanax and its making me crazy. I feel horrible. Ontop of that I had a death in the family today. I feel like when it rains it pours. If there was ever a time for me to turn back to alcohol it would be right now.

I know that if I can get through this I can get through anything. But I came home from my group counseling tonight and I told my mother about the withdrawl (b/c the counselor told me I should share with someone that i was going through this withdrawl because of the seizures it can cause- She pretty much walked away and said it was my fault so for me to deal with it, or at least that is how i took what she said...

Im laying on the couch, exhausted but unable to sleep, sick and shaking and I don't think I have ever felt so alone.

nickoftime

Jenna - you are not alone. There are hundreds of people on here that have been through your struggles. I remember detoxing, and that "alone" feeling. But if you can't be with a friend in person then keep reading and posting on here please. I am pulling for you!

JennaRose

Its hard because when i would have moments of clarity I can realize- ur not alone, ur emotions are messed up, this isn't as bad as you think etc.... but then when ur really in the withdrawl or even in the addiction it is hard to think logically.

jen7916

Jenna - like nick said, you're not alone and we're glad you're here. SR is full of so many amazing people who are rooting for you to succeed, so keep doing your best and believe that you can get through this...it sounds like you're taking all of the right steps so far and doing a great job. Good luck and welcome!

Ps. Have you talked to a Dr about the withdrawal symptoms? It's good that you let your mom know what's going on, but it would be a good idea for you to get checked out by a dr if you can. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

JennaRose

I have a doctors appt at 11:30 tomorrow so I just gotta hang on til then and see what she says- its with a NP cuz my doctor is gone til august.

topspin

Welcome to SR Jenna,

Are there any NA meetings in your area?

Early on, our NA was pretty darn weak, but the groups here over the years are really, really strong with quite a few people with years of clean time.

Before that, all of us with drinking/drugging history hung together in AA.

The most effective thing that makes AA work (as in the steps) is one person helping another. If you'r able to let people know you need rides; ...and telephone numbers,

...by giving you a ride to a meeting, will help someone else.

There was a small group of us just getting clean and sober at the same time, and even though we didn't have a clue, .....we'd hang together and practically camped out around AA early on. I'm convinced now, it fought off that feeling of isolation.

That ratty old AA "clubhouse" was called YANA ( You Are Not Alone)

SR works the same way ( magically ) for me these days.

You aren't alone. We're here, and "get it"

JennaRose

We do have NA and AA. I need to start going to more. Thats really good that you guys banned together like that and I like the name Thank you for the support it really does make a difference having this network available to me.

I want to try to get to two meetings tomorrow because with how sick I feel I need to work even harder now to stay sober.

tallcactus

You can do this JennaRose.
Hang on and do those meeting and keep your appt. with the NP.
Come here often, tell how you are doing, come to vent, it doesn't matter except to come here often for the support.

jen7916

Jenna- how did your appt with the NP go this morning? Hope you're feeling a little better today!

JennaRose

I actually cancelled the appt with the NP, I couldnt get a ride- I am still not feeling well and have not slept. I am going to get in touch with a doctor today to get proper medical advice.

I think part of me is just avoiding it thinking if I just fight how I'm feeling Ill get past it