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Old 07-28-2011, 07:39 AM
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These are natural and normal feelings of grief that are resurfacing because you never dealt with them previously, you suppressed them with alcohol. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and the terrible sadness you must be experiencing.

What's weird is that after I quit using, I found that not using was not the hard part for me. Dealing with all of the backlogged emotions and feelings that using covered up is INCREDIBLY difficult. Yesterday I cried almost all day. But I FEEL better and know that I just need to work through these things, as overwhelming as they may seem.
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:43 AM
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Wow, I never thought about the points you make RN. It makes alot of sense.
I am having a better day today - I honestly don't know what came over me yesterday (actually, yes I do - grief).
But I am happy and proud that I was able to get through it without alcohol. I am really focused on my impulses. I can feel the exact time of day or situation where I would have started drinking. Yesterday it would have been at about 3:00 when I was at my lowest and knew noone would be home for a few more hours.
Today, I met my daughter for lunch - with it being friday, I would have allowed myself a glass of wine (or two) and that would have continued in the evening. Needless to say, I did not succumb.
So, Today is day 5. We always have a date night - I wonder if my hubby will notice - he hasn't yet. I did tell my daughter on Weds as we were having a girls night and I didn't have a drink with her. I will be a good example to my daughter now...
My tummy doesn't seem bloated anymore - an added bonus! But I'm still not sleeping well but i think that has more to do with my memories than anything alcohol related.
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:54 AM
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Congrats on 4 days clean!
You say in your initial post that you don't want to join AA. I am curious to know whether or not you have ever attended any AA meetings? I think that online forums are great, but going to meetings, getting to know people face-to-face, & finding a sponsor is going to keep you accountable more than anything. Don't get me wrong, this forum is great, but being behind a computer screen isn't the best way to be accountable in my opinion. I am only counting days so am no expert on sobriety & am sort of typing this for myself as well since I have been ill & not able to go to many meetings for a couple weeks.
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:18 PM
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Congratulations on resisting temptation so far. I was very touched by your story. As a mother, I cannot even imagine the pain you feel. I will think of you.
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Old 07-29-2011, 01:29 PM
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Originally Posted by RecoverRN View Post
These are natural and normal feelings of grief that are resurfacing because you never dealt with them previously, you suppressed them with alcohol. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and the terrible sadness you must be experiencing.

What's weird is that after I quit using, I found that not using was not the hard part for me. Dealing with all of the backlogged emotions and feelings that using covered up is INCREDIBLY difficult. Yesterday I cried almost all day. But I FEEL better and know that I just need to work through these things, as overwhelming as they may seem.
So true... it's what's happening to me right now Somewhere along the way I heard this and haven't forgotten it: "The best way out is always through." I think it's a Robert Frost quote, and I do consider him a genius. Hang in there 725... I'm thinking of you
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:01 PM
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Day 5 is over ...

I made it through a friday night without drinking. I can't remember the last time that happened. Everyone else drank and I had water - and then coffee.
whoohoo!!
Thanks for your encouraging posts.
Lund, I would not go to an AA meeting. First off, I live in a small town. I feel like people are already talking about me because of my daughter's suicide. I already feel like I'm under a microscope wherever I go. Also, my sister says her experience has been people go there for the 13-step program- which is mainly to hook up with a mate.
I am looking forward to hitting that 1-week milestone. I know it sounds insignificant to those who are further down the road - but its a start.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:07 PM
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PS: regarding the cabin

We came home a day early. It was rainy and I was going stir crazy by day 3.

going away sounded like a good idea - but the problem is

"wherever I go, there I am. "
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Old 07-30-2011, 02:04 PM
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725bygrace,

Are there any meetings in nearby towns that you can attend? I lived in a smaller city myself when I first started hitting meetings & was worried about the same thing that you were. You would be surprised how many people have went through the same things that you have. Your presence at a meeting & willingness to talk about what you've went through could be helpful to others as well as yourself. As far as 13th stepping is concerned, I've seen it in action & in my experience it seems to be the sick people who've never done the work that are the culprits. However, the number of people with good intentions outweigh the number of sick ones. Meetings are everywhere, sometimes the best thing to do is get into your car & find one that works. You may have a better experience than your sister. Perhaps if you found a useful one you could direct your sister to it & support her in her recovery. It doesn't hurt to, at least, try one meeting. Anyway, I'm just trying to be helpful. If I could have gotten sober networking with other sober people online I would have been clean eons ago. It was easier for me to gloss over all the bad parts when I was alone on the computer. Hang in there & congrats on your days clean.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:30 PM
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Congratulations on getting through Friday night! I hope today has been better for you - give yourself lots of TLC..... Things are always a little bumpy at first, but it keeps getting better.

We're all behind you!:ghug3
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:38 PM
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Welcome! How are you doing?
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:47 PM
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I pray you find peace. I never found it in a bottle, just confusion to the point of becoming unmanageable. You have realized that yourself and that is great, fantastic.

I really hope you find what to do with it. AA has helped me and there are so many people there in your situation but they lost a lot more before they quit drinking.

After 120 days of abstinence I have peace today. I can think more clearly than I have in a long, long time. If I make it to six months, that is something I will have only done three times in my life after drinking for 40 years. Something I haven't done since I was a kid. That's a real motivator for me to learn how to never drink again and it is a process, slow and painful at times but rewarding every step of the way.

I wish you well and I wish you peace.
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:52 PM
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Day 7

I didn't post last night - but I did get through day 6 without to much trouble. We did go out for dinner last night - gourmet - and before that would have been an invitation for a nice glass of wine. I didn't.
And today, we had a picnic with an outdoor concert - with a cooler full of beer and other mixers. I didn't.
Mini successes - but altogether - it means my first week of sobriety. I'm feeling pretty good and pretty darn proud of myself. I do hope it gets easier as time goes on. Tomorrow I start week two...

I feel better already and being sober seems to be helping me handle my grief better too - I'm not sinking into the dark hole of dispair like I had been. Before I couldn't climb out. Now I'm able to identify - acknowledge - and talk myself through those moments.
I've started workiing on a picture book - and was even able to open a pkg from the coroner's office that I've been sitting on in fear for 3 months.

I will survive.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:16 PM
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private messages

I've been trying to send private messages to some of you - but I guess I have to get more posts before I can do that. Please be patient - I will get there soon.

Farmer- congrats on 120 days.
SJ-I got your msg and will tty soon.
re: AA I'm still not convinced I can do that. I don't like to draw attention to myself and have never been much of a joiner. Besides that, I'm such a "mom" that I would feel like I needed to help fix everyone - and I'm somewhat gullible -that scares me a little as people could take advantage.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:25 PM
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I am sorry about your daughter. that's awful.

I think it's great that you are posting day by day here. How did date night go? Please stick with the boards and all of us no matter what. You are worth it! I'll check here tomorrow and see if you've updated!

Hugs!
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:28 PM
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Dohh just saw your post about the date! Going to fast for myself. Great job though!!!!
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:19 AM
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Day 1; Week 2

This morning, the front page story of our local paper was about drug abuse. Page 2 had a picture of my daughter with a short story about her use and suicide. I didn't know it was going to be in the paper (again).

When Krystin died a few friends told me tongues were wagging all over town and the talk was more meanspirited and gossipy than sympathetic. So the three of us (Hubby, daughter Becky and me) sat down and talked about sharing our story with the local paper.

We were not (nor have ever been) ashamed of our daughter or her addiction. We didn't want the town remembering Krystin like "a dirty secret". She was a beautiful young lady who had everything going for her - she just made REALLY bad choices. We were also hoping that by telling our story, it would create an awareness, people would talk about it and perhaps others could be saved.

Before learning of Krystin's drug habit, we had no idea that young people were using and abusing drugs EVERYWHERE. We didn't know that heroin had become the new drug of choice. We didn't know that our daughter was caught up in a society that accepted it as "the norm".

So, a week after her death and before the memorial service, our story was featured front page "Hidden Menace; Heroin abuse tears family apart" with a beautiful smiling picture of my girls together.

Anyways ... today's story is the first of a 3-part feature. In addition to this story, there was a story about a drug bust last month (5 people arrested - heroin distribution charges) and there was a story about a 23 yr old who was in a car accident (high on heroin), arrested, and sent back to jail for parole violation. She had been in jail for 2 years for theft and forgery ($10,000) stolen from family to support her heroin addiction.

In short - our community is now talking about drugs - people are becoming aware of the problem. This is a good thing.

Thats what I keep telling myself - this is a good thing - we accomplished our goal - but it was still hard to see this morning - it was hard to read - it makes it fresh again. I just want to disappear or move or something, anything - but I'm surprised - for the first time, I don't want to drink.
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:33 AM
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I am so touched by your story 725. I've just finished reading this thread for the first time, so let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. I think that it's wonderful that your community is becoming more aware of drugs. I come from a very small town and everyone there lived (and probably does still) live in denial about drugs being in the town and affecting the young people there. You are right that drugs are everywhere! I think it's wonderful that you're making them aware of that.
Also, I just wanted to thank you. Having gone through what you have and being able to steer clear of alcohol gives me the strength that I can stay sober as well! You are an inspiration-- thank you!
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:17 PM
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Monday night

There are so many reasons to have a drink.

Tonight my daughter called crying. She'd had a really bad day at work. I felt her pain... I was able to talk her through it, but it was emotionally exhausting. I sure could use a glass of wine.

But I didn't and in time, the urge went away.

I think I'm getting used to this but I hate to be over-confident or smug. I know that 1 glass would be the beginning of the end for me.
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:09 AM
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725, good for you for resisting the urge. Another way to look at this is that if you weren't sober, would you have been able to have helped your daughter as well as you did? I know that when I was deep off in my cups, compassion and understanding were concepts as foreign to me as cannibalism.

I'm also glad that you recognize the dangers of becoming over-confident. Took me a while to learn that one.

--Fenris.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:14 AM
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Day 10

Not a drop - I'm still going strong ... at least I think I am. I'm teetering on that "impending gloom and doom" feeling. Not sure whats going on.

I know that it's not enough to just sit and be sober. Its time to move forward. Its time to get out and improve my life and my world. I have been complacent too long.

What can I do? I will think on that as I go about my work today. What if,as I ponder the meaning of my life, I discover as its says in Ecclesiastics "its all meaningless" ??
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