Stroopwafel

... but isn't that just the thing all addicts say? Amy Winehouse's death shook me more than most fans probably because I relapsed three weeks ago and have been drinking steadily ever since. I had almost 5 months at the time, but after doing so well that I actually felt ready to quit my Seroquel, all my bad thoughts, problems and feelings came back and I resorted to drinking. I now have the Seroquel back again, but the alcohol is back in my system and stopping is... well you know.

Anyway, my initial reaction to the death of Amy, whom I loved dearly as far as you can if you don't know someone personally, was to drink more. Today I feel different though. Waking up I felt really bad about drinking but I did anyway 'cause that's what we do, and feeling bad and guilty can be suppressed pretty easily as long as you drink enough, right? I hate that.

I'm getting rid of everything today and I hope so much that I can do this. I've told my best friend and she's going to call me tomorrow and I'm going to AA tonight (I won't say a word since I have been drinking, but my city only has them on Mondays so it's my only chance).

I guess I'm not really asking for anything with this. I just needed to put this out there. My parents don't know about my relapse and I don't want them to. We don't have that relationship and thinking about their pain will make me drink more. I've told my therapist (I live in a Protected Living house, it's sort of like Sober Living except it's for anyone with psychiatric problems and you can stay as long as you have the indication for it - I'm a Dutchie) and I have my group therapy on wednesday at which point I'll also discuss it.

I just need someone to hear me, I guess. Thank you if you read this, I'm sorry it's so long, and I hope I didn't offend anyone.

M.

ForwardMotion

I want to warmly welcome you back. Amy's death is tragic, I think the best thing anyone who loved her/her music can do to honor her is to learn by it. She gave her life for addiction, you can choose life where she didn't, wasn't ready or able to. I'm sure if she were in the position to give advice to her mourning fans it would be to run like hell from your addiction since you still have the power to.

You can do this, stay the course....you had five months, you know you can do this. Keep on keeping on...we're in this together

recoverywfaith

Welcome Back...thank you for sharing...takes courage. Keep reading and posting. SR is a great recovery tool.

MycoolFitz

Thanks for sharing. I went sober several months ago and also have gone off my Seroquel (couldn't afford it). I know its tough but its got to be doable or why do it? Sorry about your sadness and can understand a relapse but I also know the drinking won't bring anything back, erase anything, just numb hard feelings I think we need to feel in order to move on. I'm glad you've got a support system just make sure to use it. I remember going to my AA group after my relapse and introducing myself (agan) when asked if there wasanyone in their first 24 hours. It was one of the hardest things I've done, and thereby told me I needed to do it. At least each new day brings new beginnings and with each breath their is new hope. My best to you.

Edwardm

We all fall sometime. The important thing is you are getting back in the saddle. Good for you. You showed courage coming back.

SwanSong

Glad you came back and thank you for sharing. I agree with what Rachel said, honor her by arresting your alcohol and/or drug addictions. I too think that's exactly what she would tell her mourning fans.

Anna

Welcome back and I'm glad that you have a plan to stop drinking.

Stroopwafel

Thanks everyone for the welcomes!

Haven't had a drink since monday night. Been nauseous, shaky, etc., but I'm still sober. I spent a night at the hospital psych ward last night 'cause my underlying problems are very strong at the moment, but I'm still sober.

I'm reading a lot and writing a lot and doing AA as much as I can. My best friend is incredible and I'm doing one hour at the time for now, which is going all right so far. I wish I could sleep better, but I know I just have to wait.

I hate this week. But yeah. Still sober!

thisisforellie

You can do it. Stick with it. And remember that your feelings can't hurt you. Let yourself feel what you are really feeling, don't be afraid, and soon you will realize that they pass. They change. You don't need alcohol to get rid of the feelings. They will change on their own. Like the tide.

Threshold

hugs. Thanks for sharing your story so plainly, openly and honestly. It's a real help to me to read it, and your thoughts.

I recently relapsed and "came to" in the psych ward. I have dual diagnosis myself. Please continue to share your story with us, and let's both of us work toward a happy next chapter!

Amy's death was like underlining my own recent experience...we don't always have another relapse left in us, this spring I came within minutes of singing my own swan song. Somehow dying seemed all pure and dramatic when I was in a drunken/drug induced haze but seriously, what was I thinking? Oh yeah, that's right, I wasn't thinking, I decided to drink instead.

Life doesn't necessarily get easier, but it does get better, and if I am alive, the possibilities are endless.