gibson3479

So I know a few of you have communicated back and forth the past 5 days..I can put my business on here because none of you know me .Everything was going great...worked out some today ,feeling clear headed,shakiness and anxiety gone,family being happy and supportive...um wait..scratch that..
I dont know what the h@ll happened! My husband went from being completely proud of me and offering up that he would hold off on drinking for awhile to help me not be tempted etc (he drinks normally on Saturday evenings only and not even half the amount I can do in one evening) ...anyways,let me catch you up to speed...my husband was no saint in his younger days,years before we met so he knows how addiction can be...part of why hes been "supportive and patient" with me..He also smoked cigs for around 14 years...he stopped Novemeber 2008 cold turkey on the cigs....once in a very blue moon he will smoke a few while we drink and the next day he throws the remainder away...faithfuly...I envy his willpower.He says now he only craves them when drinking...ok I get that.
So ,today was my 5th day sober...yesterday I saw a lighter in his truck and asked "did you buy cigarettes?" He said "no we arent drinking why would I?" Ok,conversation dropped.Today he stays in touch with me all day constantly telling me how proud he is of me ...even more so since its Saturday.So he gets home at 5 from work and everything is going great but I was craving caffiene like crazy....so he hands me some cash (remember I cut up my card)and my daughter and I go to the store.Out from under the seat of his truck flies a pack of cigerettes with 2 missing...Um ok?First wasnt a big deal...so I ask him "did you decide to smoke anyways?" ...note..I wasnt nagging I just asked .....He suddenly was a complete @sshole...and he is NEVER like that..."well since I cant drink I can at least smoke while I babysit you"////wtf?????? I sat here so mad I couldnt talk..I just started watching tv...then after a few minutes he started talking back to normal about his day and how he made great commision today etc etc....To be honest I was so mad and hurt at what he said that I wouldnt have given a sh!t if he lost money on his way in the store to buy those cigaerettes he needs to "babysit" me...sorry Im still really....I dont knwo what I am...
Anyways I sat here while he talked and then I looked at him and said" you know what you said is extremely ****** when you know I have sat here in pain and trying everything and working my butt off to fight any urges to stay sober and NEVER once asking for your help beyond not letting me buy it...then I reminded him of HIM approachng me this week telling me that he wasnt going to let me break and drink because he wants me to do this too blah blah blah"...Finally I was just....done....you all KNOW where my head went then..I got up got in my car and left without saying anything to him or my kids...no cell no nothing...I did have HIS credit card in my car though....I drove....I passed so many stores with beer signs..I passed people walking in stores dressed up to go out on their saturday night,houses with people cooking out and obviously I noticed the beers in their hands more than the houses themselves....I just kept driving with my radio up so loud....for 3 hours....in long out of the way circles.....Then I came home..He almost ran to the door ,along with my daughters asking where I was and saying he was so worried...I told him the truth ...I had no intentions when I left...no goal ...no motive...but I had to leave....I thought about drinking.....but not thinking about it as I WANTED to drink...I thought about everything Ive read and felt this past 5 days and how normally by Saturday at that time I would have been so drunk that everything would start becoming a blurr...how so many days Ive been a robot..literally...my motions have been drinking ,oblivious to everything a round me....too drunk to feel much of anything..Today I had my excuse ..any other day I would have used it...He pissed me off and gave me my "hall pass" and to my own shock I didnt even want it. ..I told him I had 2 choices "sit here and argue with him until I drink or drive and clear my head and :"babysit" myself......

MycoolFitz

Thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes I think life sets us up to show us we're stronger than we imagine.

Dee74

I think early recovery is hard on everyone Gibson - especially our loved ones - at least we know why we feel the way we do.

I'm not suggesting your husband deserves a medal by any means, but this is a rough time for everyone, I'm guessing?

Good for you for not taking that hall pass tho.

I hope things get a little easier for you, and your husband, soon

D

gibson3479

Thanks,,,Im sure its aggravating for him that he cant drink socially and have fun just because I have a problem with it...Not only today but anyday..I think many times he stops rinking dwhen he does is because he KNOWS Im going to end up drunk.I understand his frustration..but I do feel its way too soon for his reaction.I think he knew too and that is why he changed subject... and when I came back from my drive I could see it on his face that he was worried and Im sure shocked that I came back empty handed (he knows ID NEVER drink and drive...even at my worst).Maybe I needed tonight ...I thought so much while driving...no distractions...I was very proud of myself more so because I didnt even need to FORCE self restraint...I honestly didnt want it...The routine of drinking over any petty arguement (or well anything) crossed my mind but the desire was gone...I certainly hope it stays this way...I really thank everyone on here as well..I think reading and having this support has helped me think about it in a whole different way as well. (tonight is just one example of why Ive finally came to agree that we need support that has no personal interest in our recovery other than helping us recover...if that made sense?)

ForwardMotion

Gibson, I just wanted to say I had an eerily similar experience tonight. Instead of cigarettes my husband cracked a beer, and even tho' I told him just yesterday I didn't have a problem with that, I did today. I had a rough day emotionally, and I didn't want to be around it. I didn't say anything about it, I just mumbled that I was going for a walk. So we ended up arguing via text message about a movie that I wanted to see tonight, but couldn't because I left for a walk, and by the time I would be back he'd have to go to bed....very petty stuff. Sounds even pettier in print. We made up in the end, even ended up laughing together about the absurdity of my argument.

I'm thinking these emotions, however crazy they are, are normal at this stage. Especially after reading about your experience. We can get through this, and hopefully they will bear with us too, I have to remember this is not his fault, and it wasn't his choice for me to quit (he does not think I have a serious problem with alcohol/weed). So I have to check what I say to him at times, because it's me who is changing things, not him. Hang in there sister....we can do this, hopefully without a divorce along the way. LOL j/k

gibson3479

Yea Im sure I took it alot worse because it was already that time of Saturday where Im naturally handing him a beer and on my 6th..or so...(nah,the babysitting comment would have made me mad anyways).My husband does know I have a problem...he has begged me to stop for years and seen me deathly sick many many times from over drinking or withdraws....he got hisself in check quick but Im still not strong enough to sit and bicker right now...Im getting there...just not yet.He told me after I got back that he was sorry and that he realizes manytimes he has enabled me when HE wanted to drink and he knows that is incredibly selfish since he can drink and stop and once I do it Im on a binge for days.....I just told him that its not his job to "heal" me ,Ive finally realized I need to do it and this round of getting sober that is exactly what Ive been doing...Before it was "please dont let me drink" then Id fight and argue until he would give in and let me.....kind of a tough spot I put him in often.....Thanks for letting me vent..I just hope it keeps getting easier from here..

artsoul

You have every right to be totally proud of yourself! You were angry and hurt and wanted to drink, but then you thought it through and even came back and talked to your husband. At just 4 days sober, and on a Saturday night, that's incredible really!

It does sound like you asked your husband to babysit in the past, but now you're making your own choice not to pick up that drink. Congratulations!:day6

ajangel

Emotions are running high in your household right now. Sounds as if he was feeling a bit resentful. He is only human. You should be proud of yourself for not giving in. It will get better. You are fortunate that you have the love and support of your DH. Hang in there. HUGS!!!

gibson3479

Thanks.Im understanding his point of view.This morning my daughter told me that when I had left for my 3 hour drive he drove all voer looking for me and told them that he said something really uncalled for and hurt me at a bad time.I had no idea he did that.Emotions are certainly all over the place (more so mine) because this has been a HUGE change in our household.I havent been sober this long (now heading into day 6) in over 3 years!!! Its a feeling so many people (nonalcoholics) could ever possibly understand.Im feeling so liberated!!! Im FINALLY getting back control of myself...now I just have to learn everything I need to do to keep it.Right now I can say and honestly believe I will NEVER drink again.I have to find ways to remind myself in the future should I ever forget where I was a week ago......on another note :Ive not gotten more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night (well actually morning lately) since I started sobering up this week....I dont feel sleepy but Im sure its not helping my mood and my sleep meds havent seemed to help at all...ALL my anxiety is gone but I am just not tired...Is this common for everyone else? Previously when I attempted to stay sober (never more than 3 days) I had extreme nonstop anxiety so I couldnt lay still to sleep...this time Im calm just not sleepy.

MycoolFitz

Spin yourself in circles with your eyes closed long enough and fast enough and when you stop spinning and open your eyes you're going to be real dizzy and disorientated for a while. It slowly passes and things begin to feel normal and stable again. You begin to think "What was I doing spinning in circles with my eyes closed? It wasn't getting me anywhere I needed to be."

Symmetry

So true!!! You can make it through this. Your husband loves you. He has nothing to give and you have nothing to give because you are both so needy right now. It's hard but try not to invoke a negative hurtful response that will give you a reason to drink and try to empathize with his struggle. I read about the 3 C's..Cause, control and cure. Partners do not do this to or for each other.

ajangel

I have not had a normal, decent night sleep in 2 weeks. My first 7 days I slept maybe 3 hours a night. I would stay up all night watching mindless tv or come on SR. I am not much of a tv watcher but I had to have something to shut my mind down. On day 8 and 9, I actually started feeling sleepy and went to bed at a reasonable time. The last 3 days I have gone to bed at 11 pm and gotten up at 330am. I fall back asleep on the couch for 2 hours during the day. I know that my schedule is off. I am sure it will get back to normal. I loved my booze. I know I am going to miss certain things. But I want to live. I want grandchildren. I don't want people at work to snicker behind my back because I have the shakes. I wasn't fooling anyone. Instead of looking ahead thinking how horrible and boring my life will be without alcohol, I am trying to look a head and think how amazing my life can be without it. You are doing great! We are going to make it. Yay us!

gibson3479

lpnangel...I know what you mean.I have so many times been drinking and thought I was hiding it from family,coworkers etc....noone ever said anything TO me but they had to know.Ive shown my butt a couple times too where I couldnt exactly lie my way around it and afterwards I would get embarrassed and drink more because I was embarrassed for drunkenly embarrassing myself...now with a clearer head that is so stupid...Im really trying not to dwell on all of that though.I have 2 daughters 15 and 10...Ive thought lately to myself before even trying to sober up...how am I teaching her not to drink when I have her bringing me a beer (Im really ashaimed of that part).I have talked to them at times when Ive had th shakes really bad in the mornings after drinking about how bad I feel and why watching me I hope they see how bad drinking can make you. I havent hid anything...I cant take back what Ive put them though so I can only hope that watching me go through it all will give them more of a realistic view of what drinking can do to someone/families....as for sleep....Luckily for me Im not working yet and its summer so beyond waking my husband up I dont have any major obligations...My daughters are old enough to do things themselves if I end up sleeping in a few hours...right now I just havent felt sleepy enough to.I lay in bed watching live animal streams online whil reading on this site and random news articles...very simple things that keep my mind occupied without being "busy".I really appreciate all the feedback from you btw..there are many of you on here who have made this so much bearable for me.It is much easier to do this with people who can relate to it being only a few clicks away.

ajangel

gibson, I have 2 daughters as well. 22 and 11. It is terrible to think of the kind of role model I have been. I have been honest with them though. My 22 year old has been amazing. She never realized how bad I was getting til I sat her down and told her. We had an estranged relationship before that. Now she texts me 3 or 4 times a day to tell me how proud she is of me. Of everyone in my life, she has been the most supportive and understanding. Damn she turned out good! I hope that this is a wake up call for them to stay away from alcohol. I think my oldest is starting to be a little afraid now to drink. Her dad, myself, her grandmother and aunts and uncles are all alcoholics. She knows she is at high risk. I pray for both of them. Of all the horrible things I have done, my daughters seeing me like that is the worst. I try not to let it get me. Like you, I would get drunk to forget the embarrassment of being drunk. Doesn't make any sense does it. The messed up mind of an addict. I appreciate all your posts. It does help to know that someone else is in the same place. Doesn't feel as lonely. Have a safe sober day today.