One Is the Loniest Number
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
One Is the Loniest Number
I'm finding, in sobriety, islolation is a hard nut to crack. For years alcohol was my primary focus and companion and solitude made my drinking more efficient and less problematic. I got divorced 2 years ago and my isolation only grew worse. I had lost trust not only in myself but others around me and I guess in life itself. I couldn't imagine establishing new friendships not to mention a new relationship. Since getting sober (which has been and is a real gift), I am feeling the need to break out of my shell and re-enter the real world. The strange thing is I'm finding it difficult, more so than not drinking. I tend to be introverted and insecure and drink gave me a false sense of bravery and extroversion. Now I'm trying to reach out but without the crutch and I didn't think it would be this difficult. I have no friends, far away from family, I'm retired and I'm finding it hard to connect. Lonliness is settling in but that's probably not a bad thing. Discomfort is what gets us moving and searching fore something else. sorry to unload (I have no one else to unload on right now :-)) I'll keep making little pecks at my shell. Thanks.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 796
I understand completely. I became a recluse while drinking, except when I went to bars. I guess I really wasn't now that I think about it.
Alcohol also gave me the bravado you mentioned. I went out drunk a lot. But, I drank alone at home a lot more.
I'm an introvert by nature, and now that I have some sober time under my belt, I slowly "pecked away", as you said.
Take baby steps; go out for a coffee. Take a short walk, and say 'hello' to strangers you pass. Maybe go to an AA meeting and just listen.
Just ideas. But that's the way I went out more. In fact, just got back from getting a take out coffee.
I know where you're coming from, so you're not alone. I'm a work in progress. I still have trouble going some places, but I'm working on it.
Best to you.
Alcohol also gave me the bravado you mentioned. I went out drunk a lot. But, I drank alone at home a lot more.
I'm an introvert by nature, and now that I have some sober time under my belt, I slowly "pecked away", as you said.
Take baby steps; go out for a coffee. Take a short walk, and say 'hello' to strangers you pass. Maybe go to an AA meeting and just listen.
Just ideas. But that's the way I went out more. In fact, just got back from getting a take out coffee.
I know where you're coming from, so you're not alone. I'm a work in progress. I still have trouble going some places, but I'm working on it.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
I hear ya, Fitz!
Many of my clients are non-profits here. They are always looking for volunteers.
The Humane Society is always looking for volunteers to take dogs for daily walks and to help with annual fundraising events where they need people to pitch tents, man information booths, sell merchandise. The museum I work for always needs someone to help maintain collections, type into databases, do mailings. The land trusts are always looking for volunteers for trail maintenance on their conservation areas and when doing environmental education programs. Habitat for Humanity is always looking for help in constructing homes and the organization of teams.
I have noticed how people come to do the work, which probably reduces the anxiety of meeting new people, and it is the nature of the work that gets conversations going. Kind of takes the stress of meeting new people off, if you know what I mean.
I have also seen volunteers move from volunteer status to part time employees.
Maybe you will consider volunteering for a worthy cause and keep moving around until you find your niche. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Many of my clients are non-profits here. They are always looking for volunteers.
The Humane Society is always looking for volunteers to take dogs for daily walks and to help with annual fundraising events where they need people to pitch tents, man information booths, sell merchandise. The museum I work for always needs someone to help maintain collections, type into databases, do mailings. The land trusts are always looking for volunteers for trail maintenance on their conservation areas and when doing environmental education programs. Habitat for Humanity is always looking for help in constructing homes and the organization of teams.
I have noticed how people come to do the work, which probably reduces the anxiety of meeting new people, and it is the nature of the work that gets conversations going. Kind of takes the stress of meeting new people off, if you know what I mean.
I have also seen volunteers move from volunteer status to part time employees.
Maybe you will consider volunteering for a worthy cause and keep moving around until you find your niche. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 737
It really does take time, more than I thought. Pecking away is a good way to describe it. People have barriers up just like I do to avoid rejection. Groups have cohesiveness that makes me feel like an outsider. I realized that I had created aversions to people and places that didn't directly serve me. Thanks for posting. It helped.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 12
If there is a YMCA near you, I would recommend joining. I don't have friends where I live and don't socialize often. I pretty much just hang out with my husband and kids, but I do enjoy my time at the gym. They offer classes that are free with membership and it seems like there's always an instant bond with everyone. Not to mention the mental and physical benefits. Plus you don't need to worry about being tempted by alcohol there!
Not that it needs to necessarily be the Y. But I know from experience that it's a friendly atmosphere and they have social gatherings. They make you feel welcome and comfortable there.
Not that it needs to necessarily be the Y. But I know from experience that it's a friendly atmosphere and they have social gatherings. They make you feel welcome and comfortable there.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
I've felt the same way. It is a slow process, but at least you're aware of your needs now. I was numb most of the time, & didn't even care about being alone - perfectly happy in my own little cocoon of oblivion.
I haven't kept up with many of my relationships, especially family. I've tried to reach out, but in some cases I can tell people have written me off. It's very frustrating to try and explain where we've been all these years - almost no one gets it. We can only keep striving for mental well-being and health. In a way, maybe new relationships are easier, since no one is judging you based on the past. I believe everything will fall into place for you, MCF - glad you are posting & trying to figure it all out.
I haven't kept up with many of my relationships, especially family. I've tried to reach out, but in some cases I can tell people have written me off. It's very frustrating to try and explain where we've been all these years - almost no one gets it. We can only keep striving for mental well-being and health. In a way, maybe new relationships are easier, since no one is judging you based on the past. I believe everything will fall into place for you, MCF - glad you are posting & trying to figure it all out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Thanks all. As usual great support and suggestions on SR. I will follow up. Sometimes it just takes courage to find the courage. Staying in my comfort zone got me into this mess. Once I pack out of the shell I'll see if I have wings to fly. I must say walking into a room of strangers is a real scarey thought. Even knowing my worst fears just reside in my head doen't seem to make it much easier. Sobriety is just one damn lesson after another.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Same thing happened to me. I guess i dealt with the fact i didn't have too many friends by not really noticing or caring, because i was focused on getting to my true 'friend', my drink. Now that my 'friend' screwed me over, i realize i didn't nurture other relationships.
So, i try to be more friendly, not so quick with my comments, not so quick with my funny remarks. Trying to find a personality that works. I also noticed that i don't have the quick, sharp judgment edge that i used to.
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One thing i have found, though, is it takes two to make a friendship. And some people are not easily receptive to being friendly. I have people at work who refuse to say hi to me, even though i have never been in a meeting with them or had any interaction with them except to pass them in the halls. They literally scowl and glare at the ground.
(Many others do exchange greetings, so it's about 30% who seem to flee from any human interaction).
Fitz, i know you like Zen stuff. I recommend the book "Comfortable With Uncertainty". It helped me to spend less time trying to control the things i can't, by redirecting my mind towards other areas.
Joining groups is good too. Someone else recommended the YMCA. I go most mornings, and there are about 40 people who go most mornings too. 15 of them do very little exercise, and almost all talking. It's social for them. So the Y is a good way to meet people too. And the exercise generates happiness and self-confidence.
But i know what you mean, i'm experiencing the same thing.
So, i try to be more friendly, not so quick with my comments, not so quick with my funny remarks. Trying to find a personality that works. I also noticed that i don't have the quick, sharp judgment edge that i used to.
-
One thing i have found, though, is it takes two to make a friendship. And some people are not easily receptive to being friendly. I have people at work who refuse to say hi to me, even though i have never been in a meeting with them or had any interaction with them except to pass them in the halls. They literally scowl and glare at the ground.
(Many others do exchange greetings, so it's about 30% who seem to flee from any human interaction).Fitz, i know you like Zen stuff. I recommend the book "Comfortable With Uncertainty". It helped me to spend less time trying to control the things i can't, by redirecting my mind towards other areas.
Joining groups is good too. Someone else recommended the YMCA. I go most mornings, and there are about 40 people who go most mornings too. 15 of them do very little exercise, and almost all talking. It's social for them. So the Y is a good way to meet people too. And the exercise generates happiness and self-confidence.
But i know what you mean, i'm experiencing the same thing.
Englishrose70
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 190
Fitz you are incredibly supportive and articulate and sound in the nuggets of golden advice all deemed from experience that you share with us.
Dont hide your light under a bushel, let it radiate for you do have a light.
Voluntary work is incredibly rewarding and there is a "forever" need for people to give a little or as much of their time as they want, no pressure. It gets you out there and the sense of achievement you get from giving back to society is very fulfilling and does wonders for your self worth.
Please keep us informed with what you decide to do and as ever here to give feedback/support/advice whatever.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU HAVE AN ONLINE FAMILY HERE
Dont hide your light under a bushel, let it radiate for you do have a light.
Voluntary work is incredibly rewarding and there is a "forever" need for people to give a little or as much of their time as they want, no pressure. It gets you out there and the sense of achievement you get from giving back to society is very fulfilling and does wonders for your self worth.
Please keep us informed with what you decide to do and as ever here to give feedback/support/advice whatever.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU HAVE AN ONLINE FAMILY HERE
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Well no "Y" in Carson City and the city kennel has let their volunteers go, but I will be exploring my options. I have aquired lots of friendly plants recently. I used to accidently murder them by forgetting to water or knocking them over. Alcoholic plantocide.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Volunteering really seems to be the way to go for meeting people... I've often thought once I'm ready to get out and actually meet people again this is how I'll do it. Like a previous poster said, it'll take a lot of the pressure off conversation and the awkwardness... cause you're there to do a particular job or task and so the conversation starts from there and can develop into friendship only if you feel ok with it.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,948
I can strongly relate Fitz. There a lot of things I can do to meet new friendly people. Then there are my fears based on doubt and insecurity. So I try, chip by chip to break out of my nut shell and move into the live world of social interaction.
Lets keep giving it a go and get out there among the populace.
Lets keep giving it a go and get out there among the populace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 12
Don't feel bad.. there's no green in my thumbs either..they're more like grim reapers to plants.
Well it sucks there's no Y there. But you should definitely look around at gyms and try to find one thats friendly and warm. It's helpful to be around positive people, even if you're not having full on conversations with them. You are all doing the same thing, trying to better yourselves in one way or another.
It's just really helped me. I was intimidated and shy at first and never thought I would actually like going to the gym and NEVER saw myself getting on weight machines and stuff. But now that I do, it's something I can be proud of myself for. And I'm hoping that now that Im trying to quit drinking I will see some real damn results!
Well it sucks there's no Y there. But you should definitely look around at gyms and try to find one thats friendly and warm. It's helpful to be around positive people, even if you're not having full on conversations with them. You are all doing the same thing, trying to better yourselves in one way or another.
It's just really helped me. I was intimidated and shy at first and never thought I would actually like going to the gym and NEVER saw myself getting on weight machines and stuff. But now that I do, it's something I can be proud of myself for. And I'm hoping that now that Im trying to quit drinking I will see some real damn results!
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