gibson3479

Someone sent me a private message (to which Im about to reply to as well but I wanted to start here)This site has given me alot of optimism/support and the reality of how bad things have been/can get , that I think I need to keep this progressing.
Ive actually done really well the past 3 full days,today is starting day 4.It is the weekend so I KNOW this is going to be the hardest part as for "craving" it.I havent spent a Saturday and Sunday without LITERALLY drinking from 10 or so a.m. until Monday morning...then by Monday afternoon my anxiety starts and Im right back at it.Now even a couple beers one night (which only couple is extremely rare for me)I will feel anxious and shaky the entire next day unless I drink more and then starts my weekly cycle.
I use to actually ENJOY drinking...like Id be around frineds or my husband and drink and have fun while tipsy...then drinking BECAME my "fun" to the point where Id plan my evenings based AROUND my alcohol.Now ,I have to be honest ,I havent enjoyed drinking ,or been able to reach that same feeling that I did years ago, in 4 years.It doesnt make me happy and outgoing anymore and it hasnt in a very long time.Now I dont even know exactly why I do it even before drinkng the first one.All I do now is drink and worry about opening the next one.
My husband (and I use to be this way) can have a few drinks here and there or a few beers just to get in a decent mood,and then stop.I cant.I HAVE to be able to see that I have "enough" left to keep me going until I pass out.If Im down to the last few beers etc I almost panic scared of not having enough...then I have to make sure I have enough for the next day because I KNOW Ill feel anxious.So it ends up being that the whole time Im drinking Im obsessing over my next one......that is EXACTLY how my cycle of letting it control me has started.
I never told anyone this but when I had my seizure and was admitted in ICU the dr said my BAC was 0.39....THAT didnt even stop me from drinking immediatly after being released.Ive gotten to the point where I depend on it more than my own life....I WILL NOT do this again.I plan to finish "detoxing" for the next few weeks and meanwhile explore my option on what I need to do to guarantee myself I wont slip again.Right now I can not say what that would or could be ,because Im still completely consumed with just making it through tomorrow and the next day and ......well most of you know where Im at right now.
This site has been a VERY welcolmed distraction.Its ironic because it still has alcohol consuming me but at least this time its going to lead to positive results.

ajangel

I know right where you are. Hang in there. At least we are not alone.

gibson3479

Thanks ..."hanging in there" is pretty much our only option right now.

Opivotal

This site helped me tremendously. The fun stops, when alcohol consumes your every thought, at least it did for me. I had to stop altogether to get some peace. I can tell you one thing for sure....your life will get so much better if you remove alcohol from the picture.
When I got the urge to drink, I took it a half an hour at a time ...then an hour, and so on.
You can do this Gibson...Hang on!


Best Wishes To You!

gibson3479

Thank you.I honestly couldnt be more grateful for this site and the people in it.I have great support at home (when I except it) but I find this easier because noone here as a personal invested interest in my drinking.It doesnt affect any of you....yet because all of you can relate I can discuss it ,vent,question etc and know Im getting genuine feedback ...No one knows what they would do and how they would handle this if it hasnt happened to them.The bad thing is that this round when Ive decided to stop it was more of concern for the weight Ive gained from beer....I had even googled "how fast I can lose wight after stopping drinking"...that led me to this site ...which I started exploring and then alot of reality came into play.My excuses for drinking were somewhat justified in my head until I read about so many other people going through these same feelings and actions...It was like reading my own thoughts...

Edwardm

I'm in the exact same boat as you are. This is my 5th day and I'm terrified about the weekend. This site has already given me encouragement. Please stay strong. I'm going to listen to everyone hear and visit this site for support. Come Monday morning I would like to still be in the same boat - sober

AWOL

Having been in a similar situation to yours I know this site is a wonderful resource to offer support. Keep going and stay strong! One day at a time.

bigguyslimm

Stay strong. Thinks can only get better from here.

Dee74

I hate to think where I'd be if I hadn't found SR.
It's great to have all you new guys with us

D

artsoul

You described the mindset perfectly.....! I remember that feeling (somewhere between panic and adrenaline) when I decided I needed to get more alcohol to be sure I didn't run out.

The first weekend wasn't easy for me, either - I remember feeling anxious and sad that first Friday night. But I just hung out here and kept reading, reading, reading. And eating and watching TV at the same time! What made it all worthwhile was waking up on Saturday morning and feeling GOOD.

Great post - I'm right there with you when it comes to this forum.

gibson3479

Thanks...well Friday night is almost over...families in bed and I never once got tempted...actually the only negative thought I had was realizing that I will never be able to have a few beers or drinking nights with my friends and husband again.(not thinking about tonight)It is a bit of a situation in my mind because my friends and husband can drink here and there and have fun and be fine...Ill never be able to do that again....BUT ..I talked to my husband about it and he said he doesnt care about him avoiding alcohol for awhile and in the future he will wait until Im no longer so easily tempted and consumed with it.I feel like Im going through a break up..haha..literally.Its like my frame of mind is "keep busy until I get over this". Anyways,Friday night is down and day number 5 sober starts tomorrow.I look foward to it with dred ,just as I initially did tonight but I know I AM NOT going to drink....even if I have to end up taking sleep meds and going to bed early.

Terminally Unique

You may want to check out the book "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. I found some of her observations to be dead on. I am not a woman, so I can't speak to its accuracy in that respect, but I did find the female perspective interesting.

gibson3479

Ill check it out for sure.When I left my first marriage 9 years ago it was definitly alot easier and took less effort than this ....the irony? I left him because he was an alcoholic......

newwings

I've just finished reading it...wow, it really did resonate with me. I've leant it to a friend who I know has been questioning her relationship with alcohol. Definitely one to read!

raindancer11

Glad you are here! Yes, it is harder than a break up emotionally plus the physical withdrawal is an extra special bonus. SR has definitely be the biggest influence in my staying sober. Good work! Keep posting.

lushly

I would like to welcome you to this sight. You are in for a wonderful experience in sobriety. An easy one no. I have went throught all of the feelings you have described. We relate because of alcohol addiction/ alcoholism. For me the first days of sobriety were a blur and just staying sober, starting to let go of my lover/bestfriend alcohol.
Reading about my addiction with books such as Drinking A Love Story i, logging on to SR are great. I would also suggest some face to face support. I chose AA and it has allowed me to accuulate 81 days. I couldn't of imagined stringing that many days together when I was just starting out, and I have given this addiction everything I have. It was after my life at the end. I tried to commit suicide an act that I had seen cause so much pain. Yet I found myself there, due to my chronic drinking patterns.I wish you the best. Keep posting , stay in the moment and be kind to yourself withdrawl is tough. Remember to seek medical help at the first signs of serious withdrawl symptoms. (())s The lush

gibson3479

Thank you lush...Im going to get the book since it has been recommended by so many people..Im so glad you didnt let the alcohol lead you to suicide...My father was an alcoholic as well and when I was 5 my mother took us and left him.He decided to get sober and from what Im told he was for about a month and then one day he drank a beerwith friends and that led to him getting plastered at a bar...all before lunch..He picked me up from school drunk and the school contacted my mom who inturn called him and told him she was coming to get me and he would never see us again until he stayed sober...he pulled out a gun right in front of me and held it to me first and then I guess changed his heart and shot himself.I dont know why or what his intentions were but I know how much that has affected the outcome of my life.Id love to say Id never do that but honestly Ive thought about what would I do if I lose my family over my drinking?I think Id want to end my pain as well......this site has kept me so level headed the past few days...I am still a bit too anxious sometimes to just lay in bed right now so reading and communicating with other people who are feeling EXACTLY what I am is helping me get through this beggining stage.

lushly

Hey gibson I am so sorry for you. Your story shows how strong this addiction is. You can do this thing, if you really want it. I had to completely accept I am an alcoholic. I knew I was for years and used that as an excuse to drink the way I did, but accepting it on a deeper level allowed me to get sober. One thing that sticks with me is, the craving is the allergy and it will pass and be manageable if I don't drink. But the mental part of the addiction is what takes work. What makes me drink, why have I always wanted to numb everything? Right now you are dealing with the craving and dependence on the drug alcohol, when that leaves or lessens you still have your head to deal with and I had to start dealing with mine if I wanted to stay sober.

Zencat

Getting through the early days of committing yourself to a life free from the influence of alcohol can be difficult, as it was for me.

By using the support here at SR, venting, practicing new behaviors, sharing you story, helping others here can not be anything other a good thing.

By reading your posts and encouraging you into a healthier future, helps me greatly as I hope it helps you into an alcohol free lifestyle.

Keep up the the progress, be courageous and continue giving yourself a better, healthier life.

IndaMiricale

Hi I as so many was right there in your shoes, drinking took morning day night for my 25 years. waking up shaking so bad i had to takes a couple shots just to get going. I was always a server or bartender so shaking was not a option. And then it did not help one bit cause just continued to drink all day and night and over again ect .

I also woke up in the ICU it was from detoxing in jail, i was hallucinating so hard that appearently i was trying to kill myself by slamming my head in the cell wall. Anyway woke in the hospital and the nurse told me that the night before when they brought me in , the thought i had "wet brain" and i would not come back.

Well luckly i did but i also went right back out.this was Jan .

No i am happy to say after one last detox were i still wound up going to the ER june 19th, have not drink since.

today is day 33 and i focused on a plan to stay sober, this place SR has been tremendous with AA , i would not have done it. I wish you the best and keep coming back