lilacgirl

I realize the following statement may sound like I'm seeking medical help, but I'm not. I guess I just need some 'help help'. I've been to my doctor and had a battery of tests. My liver levels are somewhat high, but I can't honestly say I'm surprised. If anything, I was surprised to find out they weren't higher.

What's going on is this: I'm 42, and pretty sure I'm at end stage, regardless of results. I wake up nauseated, and am guaranteed to vomit most of the day unless I have a drink. I'm also increasingly irrational, forgetful, lashing out at people, and generally mad at the world (although I never have, nor ever would be violent to anyone).

Basically I'm just so freaking sad that I don't think I can take much more. No, that's not a suicide threat. I'm just exhausted. And wish there were any other solution besides having that first pick-me-up. My doctor has had me on antidepressants for the past year, but if anything, they're only making things more acutely painful.

If anyone can relate, I would be sincerely happy and grateful for some feedback.

Thank you very much in advance.

MycoolFitz

Sure I can relate, I used to get up early just for that first drink--too sick in body and heart to sleep. And there is an answer and its simple but not easy--quit. Detox is a tough thing to face and should involve assistance, check with your doctor, a detox center, etc. Once you can get the poison out of your system you can start the repair work of continuing sobriety. There's probably a lot of self correcting work that needs to take place physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Not easy, not overnight but with desire and support it can be done and is being done by millions. Trust me as tough as it seems its got to be better than the way things are for you now. all my best.

SASA

Hi Lilac. I definitly can relate to this. I always was mad when I was drinking and got angrier while I drunk more. It was a long time ago that when I drunk alcohol would give me a happy feeling. In the end it made everything worse. I had high anxiety, would either yell or be very sad. I only started feeling happy once I stopped and broke the cycle. I am in my 6 month (non stop), started over 1 year ago (had 4 relapses the last 5 month ago). And although not everything is going well, it is going much better

ajangel

Doc would tell you if you were end stage. I am sure they wouldn't sugar coat it. I am 44. I have been drinking vodka heavy for the last 5 years. I had my liver enzymes checked and am surprised and relieved to say that all is ok. You have a good chance for healing yourself. This is not medical advice. I had to decide that I want to live. I have relapsed 4 times but I am back at it again. If you want to live, quit drinking. Go to detox, go to ER. Tell your doctor you want to quit. JUST QUIT. Choose life. I can relate. I felt like I was going to die. It was my body's warning sign that I had to quit. The depression is probably from the constant withdrawals and endless guilt. I started AA this time. Doing it on my own wasn't working. Read the posts here. This site is a huge source of my strength. You are not alone. No one deserves to live like this. You are worth so much more.

PaleMale

At the time I decided I had to quit drink forever, I too was suffering bouts of depression. I am not clinically depressed, but alcohol is depressant and after many years of abuse I just started to think that was who I am. A depressed, angry, cynical guy.

Then I stopped medicating myself with that depressant and what do you know! My moods changed, the anger and helplessness eases and my life got a lot better. I realized for years I was making excuses for alcohol. Thinking I would miss so much not drinking. That people would shun me for being sober. That I would not have the comfort of a drunk to ease me through life. Well all those things were lies and excuses my alcoholic brain was telling me.

Today I am healthier, happier (even though life isn't always peaches and cream) and better able to help my family and friends. The people I drank with were not really good friends, and I wake each morning with few if any regrets.

Treating depression with a depressant accomplished nothing and was destroying much. You can do it, and it's really worth it.

SSIL75

I'm glad you're here, lilac! Lots of support and experience to be shared. Keep posting!

lilacgirl

Thank you, everyone. It truly does seem hopeless, and this heatwave isn't helping...lol. But there must be some part of me that thinks hope is out there, or I wouldn't have signed up, I guess. I appreciate all of your comments, even if I'm not at my nicest or most ettiquettish.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

when my doctor diagnosed me with situational depression due to alcohol..he told me to quit and find local AA meetings.
I was not thrilled about doing either...but the depression was daily... a dark and hopeless time in my life.

Sooo...off I went and I've found AA is an awesome way to live sober and enjoy life..

Glad you joined us...please do keep posting

lilacgirl

Thank you, Carol. And everyone who responded. I appreciate your kindness. But I think I have wasted your time. I was so sleepless, depressed and nauseated yesterday after trying not to drink, that I gave up and took a taxi to the liquor store to stop the shakes and vomiting. I've pretty much already drained the bottle (btw, I think you know you have a problem when you no longer have a brand or even a grain, but select the bottle based solely on whether it comes with 'freebie' samples attached to it...lol). I'd say I need help, but at this point, I think I may be past help. I have two doctor's appointments this week, one with my MD, and one a referral to a psychiatrist. I want to be off of these antidepressants, as clearly they're not working. But maybe they're not working because I balance them with booze. I'm sorry.

Latte

Unfortunately antidepressants tend not to work very well when combined with alcohol. That is my personal experience anyway.

You have received some wonderful advice here. Welcome. I hope you'll come back.

instant

There is freedom from the torment and it is worth the trouble.

ajangel

Sounds as though you need to detox with the help of your physician. Please don't give up on sobriety. The withdrawals are hard and scary but well worth it. I hope you come back.

lilacgirl

Thank you. I'm trying not to give up. But I doubt my physician will be able to help me with detox. I've been brutally honest with her about how much I've been drinking, and how horrible the antidepressant has reacted, but she only upped my dose of the latter. As for the psychiatrist, I contacted him myself. He's willing to evaluate me, but only after a referral from my physician. Which is why I have the two appointments this week.

I'm sorry to be such a downer (no pun intended), but I'm honestly doubting anyone ever emerges from this pit of darkness, despair and real-life horror movie nightmares. I've read through all the threads, and I see again and again that people stop, only to relapse time and time again, too. And even those with years of sobriety say they never recover, miss it every day, and will struggle for the rest of their lives. I mean, and that's the *best* case scenario? What's the point?

Sorry, it just seems pretty hopeless.

lilacgirl

I want to believe there is "freedom from the torment", as you say, but even looking around here, with all your success stories, it doesn't seem like it. I mean, this place is called Sober Recovery, but from everything I read in just about every thread, there is NO recovery. Ever. Even if you live the rest of your life without another drink or drug, you are never cured, never better, never recovered, still an addict.

And then I read the recent threads about poor Amy Winehouse, and pretty much all everyone has to say is that she's 'finally at peace', 'in a better place', 'no longer has to struggle with her daemons', etc...

I just don't get it.

bellakeller

Well, life is going to be what it is whether we get sober or not. I know I am much less of a jerk to those around me now that I am sober and that makes it easier to live with myself.

Neither life nor I will be perfect and who am I to make that call anyway? It does get better. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it really does when you get sober.

ajangel

Being an addict and being a recovering addict is two different things. No one said life was going to be perfect when we become sober. I used to wake up with the shakes so bad that sometimes I couldn't even hold a pen. My skin was a mess, I looked like I aged 10 years. My stomach was a mess. I had to apologize for horrible things I said when I was drunk. While sober, I am a compassionate, kind hearted person that would never say anything to hurt anyone. Drunk I am mean and nasty. We are tormented because we let drugs and alcohol control our lives, relationships and personalities. I will always be addicted. But now I am sober. I can handle so much more of life's issues. Is it going to be perfect? No. Will it make all my problems, demons go away? No. I don't want to die like that. Everyone has choices in life. Good luck.

Peter G

Being sober does not equal misery - for an alcoholic who is effectively working a program. So my advice is to chuck that thought out the proverbial window right about now. What you're describing is what some experience through white knuckle sobriety. White knuckling this problem makes us alkies a miserable lot, no doubt, but only because such abstinence is based wholly on nothing more than simply not drinking, full stop. No personal growth or spiritual/psychic experience is to be expected doing it that way, no attempts to discover and treat the underlying causes of their addiction are sorted. For someone white knuckling their alcoholism, no effort beyond sheer stubborn willpower used. Seeing as I've tried this method more than once, I concur that it is a bloody miserable existence. At the same time it's not an accurate description of recovery and a rotten way to accumulate sober time. Add to that it is the opposite of what an alcoholic should expect their lives to become through lasting sobriety.

Also, sure people working a successful program relapse occasionally, and certainly no excuse to become cynical about the process. Perfection is a word only applicable to God, Fender Stratocasters, and the 1969 Camaro SS. For us fallible organic beings, mistakes and lapses in judgment are to be expected and sometimes even necessary to keep our forward momentum towards lasting sobriety and recovery. The difference between a recovering alkie who relapses and an active alkie who has yet to be sober? Aside from the obvious health implications of accumulating sober time, I'll use myself as an example. The amount of time I spend awake and alive is much more meaningful, happy, clear, and with purpose. Much better than the years previous when my only purpose was either to be drunk, or to obsessively use my personal blackness and depression as an excuse to get drunk.

To put what I'm saying into a numbers game; the one relapse I did have (after 13+ months of sobriety) lasted 10 days. Added up, that's 426 days I spent feeling good, getting healthy, and being useful and productive to myself and others; and 10 days being a useless drunk. Previous to my recovery beginnings, I could pick any 426 days and tell you that 90% of that time I was simply being a useless drunk. The other 10% of time was spent depressed, nurturing a morbid and cynical outlook, and generally just talking myself into believing I'd never be sober or content again without a bottle.

Also, I hope that soon you can stop thinking you're beyond hope. It's a self serving thought and it's your addictive voice making you consider it. Why? Because it wants you to believe there is no hope beyond getting and staying drunk. So let me just officially welcome you the club of the rest of us lilacgirl, because we have also lived in depressions and situations that were no easier or less bleak and horrid than yours. And I'd venture to say that most of us also believed we were beyond help and some special kind of f****d up. You are human, you suffer, just like we do. The depths of your suffering might be more than some, granted. Having said that I'll guarantee you there are folks in the world, even some folks on this forum who have taken situations that dwarf your problems and mine combined, and yet still managed to turn their personal horrors into lasting sober recovery and a qualified, contented sobriety. You're not a special case when it comes to living in hell, and trying to convince yourself of that is a lie. It's self delusional. It's active alcoholism.

Last, let me comment on what you're reflecting regarding the Amy Winehouse posts. IMO people here are commenting out of compassion, empathy, and respect for the dead. No need to read more into it. I feel sorry as hell for how Amy passed because I came dangerously close to dying in the same way, three separate times. I'm sure there are plenty more of us here on this board who have also came as close to death as possible from active alcoholism and/or drug addiction. Thankfully (or luckily perhaps) we remained alive and saw beyond that bleak end. So when someone of like-minded circumstances says "she's in a better place" I respect that this person knows the suffering she faced and understands intimately that even death can be a welcome respite from the continual suffering of active alcoholism and addiction.

To sum up, I guess what I could say is that anyone telling you sobriety is a constant struggle is full of crap. Sobriety requires vigilance and attention, certainly... but then again so does happiness, love, success, and anything truly meaningful. Nothing worth anything in life just falls into our laps. Hell, the only thing that ever fell into my lap was a glass of Jack Daniels I knocked off a bar once.

Fenris

Binderdonedat: Bravo. Very well said.

newwings

Hi Lilac...I'm so sorry you feel there is nothing that can be done for you, and that you are beyond help. I would like to disagree with that, but your feelings are yours, and nothing we can say on here can change your mind if you are determined to lose your life from drinking. You have to want sobriety, but I promise you it's worth it.

You must have missed my threads when reading, because I can assure you, I am living life to the full, sober and joyful for nearly 100 days now. I have no intention of relapsing, I never want to go back to that life, and I don't wake up with one single thought of regret for the sober days behind me - and nor the sober days ahead, either. There are many of us feeling the same way on here, and I think those posts aren't jumping out at you because you would rather concentrate on the ones that confirm for you that it's a hopeless task to quit.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that one day you will change your mind about all the possibilities out there for a sober life.

lilacgirl

Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my thread. I am now ten days completely sober, after consulting my doctor, and setting a schedule to taper off at home (given the amount and duration of my drinking, she felt that was safer).

This is the first time I have been sober in several years, and I can hardly believe it was possible. The first couple of days were hellish (I'll spare you the details--I'm sure many of you are familiar), but now I am feeling so much better than I have in ages. I am bloated up like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man (not sure what that's about), but the cravings aren't *nearly* as frequent or acute as I feared. I guess I lucked out, there.

Anyway, I am continuing to see my doctor weekly, and she has also referred me to a counsellor. I know these are the early stages, and I'm probably still detoxifying, even, but so far, so good.

Thanks again for your kindness.