today really sucked!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
today really sucked!
Today was rough day. Some good but mostly depressing and emotional.
There was some things at work that were good, I finally got together with PO and had a good talk with and he had some good things to say about me, about my commitment and progress to my sobriey and taking care of my responsibilities in regards to my legal stuff. He said he was going to put a good word into the court and to my new PO for which I am grateful.
The bad stuff started this morning when my wife needed some help and I was the only one who could and of course, its family, I have to help. Well I haven't seen/talked.to her in two weeks and I miss her terribly and miss being with the family, as a family, I miss being home. I got there and my three year comes out on the porch enthusiastically yells "daddy!, you're home, are you coming home?" I had to say not yet and she could see it in my face and she came running up and gave a big bear hug and said "daddy, don't be sad" and then of course my 1 year old came up to us and got in on the hug. I couldn't hold back, I started to cry and had to turned away. Then I saw my wife and instantly I started tearing up. I couldn't hardly talk to her without wanting to drop to my knees and start begging for her forgiveness while sobbing. I didn't though and it was a brief visit. I guess one good thing was that I was able to give/get a big hug, a little kiss and was able to tell her that I love her. It was good and bad I guess, it was good to see them but it was like ripping open wounds that haven't really even begun to heal.
Then I finally get the call from the PO, go meet him right away. Like i said, most was good but then we started talking about lifting the court ordered no contact deal between my wife and myself lifted. Even though my wife agrees to have it lifted, it could still take a couple of months to get it in front of a judge. Not being home has got to be the worst part of all of this. Being sober isn't too bad compared to emotions, depression I feel because I can't be with them and now I know its going to be even longer than I imagined, it is killing me, the thought of what I am missing with my family, being away from my home.
It is my fault, no question so please don't take this as me complaining, I deserve this. I just wanted to vent,.express my feeling. I know it could be worse, I'm still breathing right? Thank.you for listening.
There was some things at work that were good, I finally got together with PO and had a good talk with and he had some good things to say about me, about my commitment and progress to my sobriey and taking care of my responsibilities in regards to my legal stuff. He said he was going to put a good word into the court and to my new PO for which I am grateful.
The bad stuff started this morning when my wife needed some help and I was the only one who could and of course, its family, I have to help. Well I haven't seen/talked.to her in two weeks and I miss her terribly and miss being with the family, as a family, I miss being home. I got there and my three year comes out on the porch enthusiastically yells "daddy!, you're home, are you coming home?" I had to say not yet and she could see it in my face and she came running up and gave a big bear hug and said "daddy, don't be sad" and then of course my 1 year old came up to us and got in on the hug. I couldn't hold back, I started to cry and had to turned away. Then I saw my wife and instantly I started tearing up. I couldn't hardly talk to her without wanting to drop to my knees and start begging for her forgiveness while sobbing. I didn't though and it was a brief visit. I guess one good thing was that I was able to give/get a big hug, a little kiss and was able to tell her that I love her. It was good and bad I guess, it was good to see them but it was like ripping open wounds that haven't really even begun to heal.
Then I finally get the call from the PO, go meet him right away. Like i said, most was good but then we started talking about lifting the court ordered no contact deal between my wife and myself lifted. Even though my wife agrees to have it lifted, it could still take a couple of months to get it in front of a judge. Not being home has got to be the worst part of all of this. Being sober isn't too bad compared to emotions, depression I feel because I can't be with them and now I know its going to be even longer than I imagined, it is killing me, the thought of what I am missing with my family, being away from my home.
It is my fault, no question so please don't take this as me complaining, I deserve this. I just wanted to vent,.express my feeling. I know it could be worse, I'm still breathing right? Thank.you for listening.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
I am familiar with deep darkness. I am sop sorry you are feeling this way. It really does feel just terrible. It will get better. you're a survivor and you have so much to give. It will get easier and it will be beautiful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
I feel a little better. I went out fishing at the river for a couple hours tonight, I guess this is a good form of meditation for me plus I did some reading of the big book while out there and I even caught some fish. Another good thing is that my oldest is here for the weekend so we get to hang out.
I am a little worried about tomorrow though. I'm in my best friend's wedding so my oldest and I will be there and the reception. I know the booze will be flowing as it is at most weddings and I'm not too concerned about temptation of drinking as my good friends understand what I am going through, they assure me that I won't be drinking even if I decided to and plus it'll be an early night , Id prefer not to be there when the party really gets going later in the night.
I guess I'm more concerned about being a downer on my bud's big day. Just knowing what I am going through, my marrage not doing too good right right now and seeing those guys being happy because of just making that life long commitment. I know, I should be happy for them and I am very much so, it's just hard. Sorry, now I'm just sounding all sappy now.
It'll be alright.
I am a little worried about tomorrow though. I'm in my best friend's wedding so my oldest and I will be there and the reception. I know the booze will be flowing as it is at most weddings and I'm not too concerned about temptation of drinking as my good friends understand what I am going through, they assure me that I won't be drinking even if I decided to and plus it'll be an early night , Id prefer not to be there when the party really gets going later in the night.
I guess I'm more concerned about being a downer on my bud's big day. Just knowing what I am going through, my marrage not doing too good right right now and seeing those guys being happy because of just making that life long commitment. I know, I should be happy for them and I am very much so, it's just hard. Sorry, now I'm just sounding all sappy now.
It'll be alright.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Schwaber,
Isn't the bride and groom supposed to exit stage right earlier than the rest? They will after all have more on their minds than you on their wedding night no?
I am sorry that you are going through such sad things now, at the same time as you are getting better yourself. I hope they get better faster than you do. Hang in there bud.
Isn't the bride and groom supposed to exit stage right earlier than the rest? They will after all have more on their minds than you on their wedding night no?
I am sorry that you are going through such sad things now, at the same time as you are getting better yourself. I hope they get better faster than you do. Hang in there bud.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Itchy-you are right and I am sure I'm over reacting.
Today is a new day and I am feeling better, I have a feeling it will be a great day. This is life, I dug the hole and I just need to keep climbing to get out of it. Make the best of all the good that I have and try to fix the bad that I have created.
On a lighter note, what do you think of my avatar? I think that'll be my next tattoo, probably on my back over my left shoulder blade, about the size of your hand, from the tip of the pinky to the tip of your thumb when your hand is open.
Today is a new day and I am feeling better, I have a feeling it will be a great day. This is life, I dug the hole and I just need to keep climbing to get out of it. Make the best of all the good that I have and try to fix the bad that I have created.
On a lighter note, what do you think of my avatar? I think that'll be my next tattoo, probably on my back over my left shoulder blade, about the size of your hand, from the tip of the pinky to the tip of your thumb when your hand is open.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Originally Posted by Schwaber77 
Itchy-you are right and I am sure I'm over reacting.
Today is a new day and I am feeling better, I have a feeling it will be a great day. This is life, I dug the hole and I just need to keep climbing to get out of it. Make the best of all the good that I have and try to fix the bad that I have created.
On a lighter note, what do you think of my avatar? I think that'll be my next tattoo, probably on my back over my left shoulder blade, about the size of your hand, from the tip of the pinky to the tip of your thumb when your hand is open.
Today is a new day and I am feeling better, I have a feeling it will be a great day. This is life, I dug the hole and I just need to keep climbing to get out of it. Make the best of all the good that I have and try to fix the bad that I have created.
On a lighter note, what do you think of my avatar? I think that'll be my next tattoo, probably on my back over my left shoulder blade, about the size of your hand, from the tip of the pinky to the tip of your thumb when your hand is open.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I'm sorry for your pain but happy to hear you thinking through things and working through them. Enjoy the time with your child. I bet you'll find it a whole lot different sober (I know I do). Glad your friends are supportive and your PO, too.
I like your avatar
I like your avatar
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Schwab - Leaving a early is probably the best thing you can do - I think you'd be surprised that not everyone who eats cake stays long after the cake.
I commend you for your commitment and truly wish you all the best in what is a really crappy scanario (regardless of who's fault).
I commend you for your commitment and truly wish you all the best in what is a really crappy scanario (regardless of who's fault).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and kind words.
In regards to the tat, I was originally thinking of doing the entire serenity prayer but in order to do that, it would have to be rather large (and expensive) to do to keep it clean looking and easily readable. I figured with the cross and the key words of the prayer would look good and anyone familiar with the paryer would understand.
Check out the new avatar, I think this is the one I am going to go with. The cross at a 30 degree angle to the right and the first letters of the words at the opposite 30 degrees. Of course the tatoo artist will resize and adjust to clean it up but you get the idea. Maybe fade the lines of the cross as they come up to the letters.
Have a great day eneryone!
In regards to the tat, I was originally thinking of doing the entire serenity prayer but in order to do that, it would have to be rather large (and expensive) to do to keep it clean looking and easily readable. I figured with the cross and the key words of the prayer would look good and anyone familiar with the paryer would understand.
Check out the new avatar, I think this is the one I am going to go with. The cross at a 30 degree angle to the right and the first letters of the words at the opposite 30 degrees. Of course the tatoo artist will resize and adjust to clean it up but you get the idea. Maybe fade the lines of the cross as they come up to the letters.
Have a great day eneryone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Oh ya, I was going to say, one thing that was a little tough today was going to a card shop and picking out a wedding card. Every one that I read, I could feel the tears coming on, all I could think about was my wife, all of the kind words reminded me of her. I know, I'm getting all sappy again. Regardless, it will not affect the good time we're about to have celebrating the life long commitment of my best friend and his soon to be new wife (who is also a great friend).
Take care!
Take care!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Sappy is good bud! I would rather have something to feel sappy about than be barren of any highs to aspire to re-attain.
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
Henry Ford
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
Henry Ford
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Today/tonight turned out pretty well, we had a good time. I wish my wife and other kids were there, they would of had a good time but I didn't let it bother me too much.
I was a little emotional by the end of the night, I cried on my buddy's shoulder. Him and his new wife were the ones that talked me into the detox and got me there. I was ready but to have them say "lets go" and give me a little nudge to start the process, and really, it seems like they really didn't do much, but the suggestion along with the obvious concern they had for me was enough to get me started down the path of sobriety that I am on and for that I can't thank them enough.
It was tough at times, seeing them dance the first dance, hugging, kissing and looking into each other's eyes, you know, the newly wed mushy stuff, it reminded me of when the wife and I got married and of course, I could feel the tears coming. There was a few intances where I had to step out to have a smoke just to get away for a few minutes and chill out.
It's hard to be happy, which I am, they are good people and they deserve each other, its just been a litte difficult to show it becase I am unhappy with my situation
but for the most part I was happy to be there and we had some good laughs.
Surounded by alcohol from 11am this morning until midnight tonight (I stayed the entire time, I was thinking that I'd probably leave early) and I did good, even when shots were going around and even though they knew I wasn't drinking (ok, they forgot, after the booze really started flowing), they attempted to pass it onto to me but I said no thanks and that I wasn't drinking politely. The cravings weren't that bad, I even bought a round for everyone while sipping on coffee all night (now of course I am f'n wired and probably won't sleep for a while). I'm glad we are done, I am glad they are now married, I am glad that I got a dance with my oldest daughter, and I am glad that I got to spend the day celebrating the marriage of friends and the list can go on.
The day/night turned out better then I imagined it would have, especialy after the depression I was feeling the night before, and I'm glad to have been part of it.
I hope you all had a great day.
PS, the photographer for the wedding is also a tatoo artist. I showed him the image of what I was thinking, he said he could do it for half of the price of what I had already been quoted. I'll have to check out his work but from the sounds of it he's pretty good so somehow, that worked out pretty good!
I was a little emotional by the end of the night, I cried on my buddy's shoulder. Him and his new wife were the ones that talked me into the detox and got me there. I was ready but to have them say "lets go" and give me a little nudge to start the process, and really, it seems like they really didn't do much, but the suggestion along with the obvious concern they had for me was enough to get me started down the path of sobriety that I am on and for that I can't thank them enough.
It was tough at times, seeing them dance the first dance, hugging, kissing and looking into each other's eyes, you know, the newly wed mushy stuff, it reminded me of when the wife and I got married and of course, I could feel the tears coming. There was a few intances where I had to step out to have a smoke just to get away for a few minutes and chill out.
It's hard to be happy, which I am, they are good people and they deserve each other, its just been a litte difficult to show it becase I am unhappy with my situation
but for the most part I was happy to be there and we had some good laughs.
Surounded by alcohol from 11am this morning until midnight tonight (I stayed the entire time, I was thinking that I'd probably leave early) and I did good, even when shots were going around and even though they knew I wasn't drinking (ok, they forgot, after the booze really started flowing), they attempted to pass it onto to me but I said no thanks and that I wasn't drinking politely. The cravings weren't that bad, I even bought a round for everyone while sipping on coffee all night (now of course I am f'n wired and probably won't sleep for a while). I'm glad we are done, I am glad they are now married, I am glad that I got a dance with my oldest daughter, and I am glad that I got to spend the day celebrating the marriage of friends and the list can go on.
The day/night turned out better then I imagined it would have, especialy after the depression I was feeling the night before, and I'm glad to have been part of it.
I hope you all had a great day.
PS, the photographer for the wedding is also a tatoo artist. I showed him the image of what I was thinking, he said he could do it for half of the price of what I had already been quoted. I'll have to check out his work but from the sounds of it he's pretty good so somehow, that worked out pretty good!
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