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Old 07-20-2011, 11:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New to recovery after 4 years of ruining myself

So tonight was only the 2nd night for my recovery.This time I HAVE to make it work.Ive stayed sober for days at atime but it never lasts more than 3 days most..any excuse tto drink and I always do (Im bored,had a good day,had a bad day,watching sports,stressed,celebrating...get my point?)I dont know where to start with this so Ill share my story:I have 2 daughters 15 and 10 and a husband who could pass as a saint.4 years ago I started drinking heavier than normal.It really got out of control fast because if I didnt drink Id have full blown panic attacks the next day and the only cure was more alcohol.I use to be in really decent shape and so much more out going...over the past 3 years Ive gained weight,turned into a moody miserable drunk,my drinking has hurt us so bad financially,and I end up drinking alone while my husband carries our lives on his shoulders.Ive known for awhile I need to stop...Ive tried slowing down then trying to drink only weekends,etc....Ive watched myself turn into such a bad person,mother,wife and friend.I actually drank last July with my husband (who rarely drinks) to celebrate something...I didnt let him see that my drinks were 3 times as strong as his and within hours I was throwing up and had a seizure in my bathroom.My husband had came to check on me when I was throwing up and happened to walk in right on time...I seized so bad that I busted my head and face open and spent 3 nights in ICU...I tried to downplay how much I drank but obviously the drs knew...they warned me that I had alcohol levels so high I should have died.This didnt stop me....few days after being home I made another excuse to drink,....and right back on schedule.I was looking at old pictures a few days ago of how great I use to look,how I was so happy and smiling,and so in love woth my children and husband.....sadly the past few years Ive loved alcohol more.I can not believe who I have become.If I drink one day I have to drink severral following to not be anxious and shaky all the next day...My random days of being sober are normally hell for me with anxiety.I think Ive done damage to my liver (but Im too embarrassed to tell my dr)because now after a few drinks my stomach bulges within minutes and if I eat it sticks right under my ribs like my body isnt processing it....If I manage a few days sober all of that passes.Anxiety and shainess is my only physical withdrawl...but I am at the children deserve me back,my husband loves me and I can feel that but hes almost had enough...(we only argue about my drinking...EVER)I have messed up our finances because when I want to drink it comes before any other bills.I cant believe how selfish Ive become...even while typing this out I can not believe this happened to me....My husband is MORE than supportive when I try to stay sober...him and my children will work out with me or do anything to keep me from being bored because they all know what that means.I can talk to them all 3 about it but of course they dont understand ...the simple solution to them is "just please stop).I worry about the weekend coming up...I think Ive forgotten how to have fun without alcohol...Thats actually crazy since once I have a drink it consumes me until I pass out,so I end up just on the couch drinking being half attentive to my family.Im hoping this time I can do this...I have to...I want to......until that next excuse comes up
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. I am so glad you are here. Keep posting. You are not alone.
I am so thankful for my sobriety

Dios me da la Sernidad
Para acceptar las cosas que no puedo cambiar
La fuerza para cambiar las que si puedo
y la Sabidura para reconocer la diferencia
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Gibson, welcome to SR. Pleased to have you here and very glad you've reached out for support.

I'm a mom of two beautiful daughters (15 and 7), and I can totally relate to your question: 'how on earth did I get HERE??'. I used to ask myself the very same thing.

I've been sober for three months now. It CAN be done. Both my kids and husband have seen an enormous difference. I know you can do this, too.

Please, go and make an appointment with a trusted doctor who you feel you can be honest with. Then, tell them everything (I know it sounds scary, but once you do, it's life changing). You can get some help with this.

All the best.
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi Gibson,

I completely agree with NewWings - you have absolutely nothing to lose by having an honest and frank discussion with your doctor. Our bodies are amazing organisms but if there is a problem that requires medical attention ignoring it may make it worse.

The idea of being completely honest with 'somebody' is enormously helpful too. It's a win-win. Please be safe with whatever you choose to do.
"Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith."
Paul Tillich
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Old 07-21-2011, 12:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone.Im sure Ill be on tomorrow night.My husbands asleep and holding on to one arm for dear life so harder to type Im having trouble falling to sleep (guess my body isnt use to falling asleep without being drunk) Tomorrow is payday/grocery day...Im going t leave my id at home so hopefully I dont get tempted when I see the beer aisle (I always find a way to justify it and regret it the next day)
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Old 07-21-2011, 03:20 AM   #7 (permalink)

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If I were you, I would be calling the AA hotline in your area tomorrow, and asking them to have a sober woman of AA telephone you so that you can talk and begin a plan of action for your sobriety.

The women of AA can help you, give you support, go to meetings with you, and they have found a way to stop doing what you have described.

This is much to much for you to attempt alone.

There is hope at AA. Let the women become your new friends, and listen to them.

Tomorrow is payday as you said, and the old ideas will pop up, regardless of your very experience that has shown how bad drinking is for you.

It's like groundhog day....doing the same thing over and over again...insanity.

Taking a drink when your experience has been what it has been is insanity. Not that you are crazy, but the big book calls it being in full flight from reality...your reality. Drinking is not working for you. It is harming your family. It is destroying your health.

I could so relate with your post.

If you don't want to end up drinking again, you can't take even one drink. Don't buy anything at the store when you go.

Maybe have someone else shop, and you find an AA meeting and go.

The only one that can make this stop is you. You need to turn 180 degrees around, and change your life.

You will need to have some daily things that you do that will be a part of your new way of life.

You will need women to call, when tempted to drink. You will need to be completely honest with yourself and others.

You need to take action to change, or nothing will change.

Don't drink tomorrow. Call a recovered woman of AA. Ask for help. Go to a meeting. Buy the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. Begin to read it. Ask for a sponsor to help you begin your steps.

What you describe is a way of life that is not working. Try this new way of life.

You can create a new life.

It takes honesty, openmindedness and willingness.

Ask God to remove the obsession to drink. Ask God to help you stay sober when you begin your day. Thank God for helping you stay sober at night.

Check in with us daily so we can support you.

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Old 07-21-2011, 03:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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great advice here Gibson

I think most of us wonder how exactly we got here...but, tempting as it is, that's not the thing to focus on...

the priority should be how to get out of where you are...

You'll find a lot of support here

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Old 07-21-2011, 04:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome! I'm glad you've decided to get some help.
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Learning a new way to live.
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Old 07-21-2011, 04:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome Gibson - you're in the right place.

I don't have kids but fully relate to to ignoring consequences to keep drinking.

I hope you stick around.

Sober since 2011. Never going back.
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Old 07-21-2011, 04:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome to sR....

When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested....I found local AA meetings and began my recovery...

Plese do see your doctor and be honest about your drinking...because you have had a convulsion's very risky to de tox
without medical advice. He/she will not be shocked and it's simply the best move for you.

all my best to the 4 of you ..
Each Day Sober Is A Victory!!
Joy In AA Recovery!

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Old 07-21-2011, 05:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Well,after only getting 3 hours of sleep ,Im about to face day 3 ...For at least the past 3 years Ive probably spent 4 days a week in my bathroom crying thinking "this is it,after tomorrow IM done drinking.".I am going to lessen my temptation by grocery shopping in a nearby "dry city".Its sounds so stupid that I have to do that Im not an ignorant person so why cant I rationalize with myself when Im tempted? I will say that even with only 7 hours of sleep between 2 nights ,I feel so much more clear headed and my face and hands arent nearly as swollen.Does nayone else have a "weak point" of every day?Ive noticed on my other attempts to stop,that by 5 or 6ish my anxiety hightens and I start justifying having a few beers (because of whatever made up stress I can find at that time).Also,Ive read so many of these threads and replies last night about getting to the "root" of why you drink....Ive actually addressed that once and was diagnosed with pstd and anxiety disorder due to a really crazy childhood (my father shot and killed himself in front of me,my mother set 2 seperate houses I was in on fire and left me inside and much more)but all the many therapist I seen , did was prescribe me nerve meds and antidepressants...never any therapy.I dont really have feelings over my past because I was so young that its just always been who I am,I dont even really remember it.I stopped taking all the meds after a 6 month cycle of each one making me feel even more zombish....that is when my drinking became worse.It was during the time of coming off those meds that I started HAVING to drink to not full on "die" from the anxiety and dry heaving...My point is Im sure there is a "root"to all this for me but in all honesty Ive coped most of my life without needing substances in my body to help me deal with each day.I dont ever AT ALL find myself thinking back about my childhood or any other bad part of my life.My husband use to "excuse" my drinking because he thought it was the ptsd as well (until it got way out of hand).I can feel the strain this has taken on my relationships with EVERYONE I know and I honestly fear that more so than my health.I have to learn to stop with the "this is the last time" way of thinking.After looking at the pictures of myself and my family as recent as 3 or 4 years ago,I have decided to put my focus on rebuilding my relationships with each of them,and bringing back as much of the woman I was before this took ahold of me (mentally and physically).Ive ruined my own confidence.Sorry to ramble on here...Im hoping that this new attempt to actually discuss my thoughts (beyond just b*tchi*ng about them to my husband and making empty promises)will help.SOMETHING HAS TO! I am not at the point where Im ready to walk into a meeting...not yet.I dont know why but Im not.Thank you for all your kind responses...Ive enver thought I was alone or the only one who is going through this ,Ive just always wondered when will I hit bottom and be forced to stop.(although Ive hit bottom several times and it not helped)
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Old 07-21-2011, 05:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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carold,Thank you.Im on day 3 wouldnt my physical withdrawls have already showed up ?Beyond being slightly anxious I actually "physically" feel ok today.Ive never made it past day 3 so I dont know when the physical withdrawls heighten,I just assumed Im out of the woods with that aspect.My convulsion was from alcohol poisoning though (according to dr after 3 days in ICU being monitored and $50,000 hospital bill later I do have to find a new dr that I feel comfortable with to be honest.I PROMISE I will take care of that today.Im more worried about what (if any ) major damage Ive done to my body.It just seems like so much to face right now....Im scared of ANY bad news because I know what my first instinct will be....Ive given myself a "crutch" and now Im scared to deal with anything "real" without it.
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Old 07-21-2011, 05:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi Gibson. I'm on day 3 as well. Believe me, I'm scared too but I know in the long run I'll be much better off without alcohol. Please keep looking forward. You can do this.
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Old 07-21-2011, 05:55 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome Gibson! I'm glad your taking positive steps to stop drinking. You'll never regret it and you will be amazed at the difference in your life.

Best Wishes To You!
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Old 07-21-2011, 06:20 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome, Gibson! You are in the right place. Everyone here is so supportive and full of good advice. Don't worry, it is not too late to turn things around. I like to think of my grandfather, who at 45 was in a high stress job as the CEO of a large chemical company overseas, and according to my grandmother drank 30 (!!!) cups of coffee throughout the day, then after work drank heavily and stayed up until the wee hours... so that it was an ordeal to get up in the morning, which was why the dozens of cups of coffee were needed... repeat for years until he had a massive heart attack and came within an inch of death. But he took that as a wake up call and today is a very healthy 76 year old, has survived cancer and back surgery like they never happened, volunteers, hosts our family holidays with 20+ people... I think, if he could turn his life around and get healthy, there is no reason that I can't! You can improve your life, don't give up!

I don't think it's silly that you are going to another city to do your shopping because it is dry - we have no alcohol sales on Sundays here and that is when I do my grocery shopping. The beer and wine aisle is dark and corded off and that's fine with me. You do what YOU need to do to recover - don't worry about if it's silly, weird, what people will think, etc. Your life is on the line and you are worth saving. You've got a great husband and two daughters that deserve their wife and mother back. Good luck and keep us posted.
Sober Since 6/9/2011!
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Old 07-21-2011, 06:32 AM   #17 (permalink)

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Hello and welcome x
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