New here, been lurking
 

Hi all. I've finally managed to register properly but I had to set up a ***** account to do it. 36 hours in and hearing nonexistent guitar music. Is this an acceptable place to get my past off my chest? Only my husband of 9 years knows what's going on with me, and I've skillfully manipulated him for so long that when I told him I was done drinking, he shrugged and said "Ok, if it gets too hard, there's beer in the fridge." It's such a relief to have found this sanctuary. I never thought that there were so many other people going through *exactly* what I am and being *accepted* for it.

Hi and welcome!!

This is a great place to vent, discuss your problems and gain valuable support toward learning how to plug the jug and keep truckin'. I hope you stick around and ask whatever is on your mind, for rest assured we've been there, done that, got the t-shirt, lol.

Hi WakeUpSarah

Not sure if you're serious about the guitar music, but I definitely had auditory and visual hallucinations the last time I detoxed.

If thats the case for you too, it's best to be safe than sorry - do consider checking in with a Dr :)

And yeah - you'll find a lot of support here, even when it's not around so much in the real world - welcome!

D

The last 2 times I heard barely audible talk - like on talk radio. Then what sounded like top 40 music. I turned off the TV and tried to hunt down the sounds. LOL!!! When it dawned on me what it was I felt like a fool! Mine typically came on on the 2nd day and lasted about 12 hours.

Good luck to you!

Hi—welcome to SR! The folks here made all the difference in my recovery. You'll find a lot of folks who have gone through the same stuff, and come out the other side. You can do it, Sarah. :)

Well, I *was* serious about it, because I heard chattering voices last night, and have heard music before, but I was just super relieved to figure out the stereo was on super-low after all. *blush* I've done this a few times before, scoured the house, gave up and put headphones on, so it didn't occur to me to check everything yet again. At least I didn't get spiders or roaches this time.

Aaaanyway. It's all fun and games until someone loses their dignity. I started out innocently, like we all do. I kept a little rum in my dorm room back in 2002-2003 and would have a little tiny rum and coke after a particularly hard test. My husband and I were actually dating long distance because he was (is) in the military. Once we moved in together, I used fun as an excuse to drink. We lived in a tropical, fun area back then. Pina Coladas during the day, merlot at night. I wasn't working, so I wasn't worried about it. By the time I had a job, I was experimenting with all kinds of mixed drinks, and eventually hooked onto Seagram's 7. In a matter of months, I was drinking it out of the bottle. I hated my job, I hated my commute, blah, blah, blah. Half a fifth a night, a full one per day on the weekends, getting up and driving to work.

I finally had a breakdown. My husband was going to be deployed, I hated my life, I didn't know how to handle it. My mom came and took me back home, where I was able to quit, no detox required. I was able to get my job back, thankfully. I started seeing a therapist, but sloooowly started lying to him. "Yep, still quit drinking. It was just the stress, I'm fine now." In retrospect I see what a mistake that was now. I was now dabbling in strong pre-mixed drinks, which I told my husband were weak, and hiding the drinking from everyone else in my life. I start calling in sick with ridiculous excuses. My dog ate a razor blade and she was in surgery... seriously? I got my husband and I kicked out of a concert by his favorite band. We were arguing a LOT. He was breaking things, but I was messing with his mind. He finally threatened to leave, so I agreed to one half pint one night a week.

A few years of manipulation, and I was back up to a pint a night, making a fool of myself with my online gaming friends. Then I got pregnant in 2008. Cold turkey, 13 months, no problem. It was really difficult, but I'm proud to say I never took a drink. But a few months into nursing, I started drinking beer again. I sloowly worked my way up to 8 a night, and I was *nursing.* I wanted to shoot myself, but I couldn't stop. I wanted more.

Fast forward a year to last summer. My daughter is diagnosed with Autism. I was wracked with guilt. And we all know the best way to deal with guilt, right? 12 or more a day now, starting earlier and earlier and I was managing to take care of the house, the kid, and the pets. I was a hot mess, but we were making it. I was back to indulging in "hair of the dog" only now it wasn't so much "hair of the dog" as it was "getting drunk at 9 am." As much as it kills me to say it, I was drinking even *more* when my husband was deployed. I was able to quit for family visits, but I had these weird, wicked hangovers, which I now understand are actually detox. My mom was here for the whole spring, and we happily sipped a single glass of white zin each every night.

The day she left, I hit the hard stuff. My husband was going to return soon, so I felt the need to get a bender in. I was mostly getting it together (barely) to deal with my daughter's therapists through all this. I canceled on a few, once again with ridiculous excuses. I quit drinking the night before he got back, and detoxed really badly. Roaches! At the time I thought it was a bad hangover.

I don't even remember his second day home. I went through two 1.75 liters in two days. I canceled more of my daughter's therapy. Nothing was getting done around the house, I was barely keeping it together. I was really worried when it took me a full, straight glass of 100 proof to feel "normal" again. Then my husband came home and told me that he had already informed his boss (this is the military, mind you,) that I was on a bender and that he might need to take time off in case I have another breakdown. That was yesterday. I need to be done with this. I want to live like I see everyone else living. I've done it before, this time I can do it right.

Someone on here said something that really resonated with me. "Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today."

Those beers are still in there, guys. They're calling my name. :(

Welcome...:wave:

Considering your past history I wish you would decide on a medically supervised de tox. Check your insurance ..CHAMPUs? for coverage
and
in many areas The Salvation Army has short term free anonymous de tox centers.

You may not have noticed this when you lurked......if not do take time to read it now...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Your husband asked about compassionate leave already so this is a good time to deal with de toxing safely...IMO

All my best to the 3 of you...:hug:

Going to try to sleep
 

Just to let you guys know, I have since learned that drinking while nursing (or pregnant or even hard drugs) CANNOT cause autism. Other things, but not that. My daughter is making remarkable progress, also. Her therapists always praise me and I always mentally kick myself.

I'm just going to go lay down. I'm over the craving, was able to not give in. Good night!

Good night....please do keep posting with us....regardless of what you do re de tox.
:hug:;

Welcome to the family Sarah.

You've just described alcoholism, one rendition of it at least (your life), in that last post.

I hope that quote is something you want to leverage about drinking? Even then, I think it's much more peaceful to simply be free of the desire to drink. For sobriety it has to be, 'Today, let tomorrow take care of itself and yesterday is gone. Today is the day to be sober.' Renew that pledge every day and back it up with action.

I know when I got sober last year I *had* to rid my house of all alcohol just to have a fighting chance. Of course, that's only what I did and would do. I'd also suggest you speak with your DR if you have concerns about detoxing as it can be lethal.

Trust me you're not alone- probably everybody here has been ensnared it what seems like insurmountable misery, anguish and fear. And many have broken free of those demons and live very happily without any drinking what-so-ever. We come here and support each other. Many of us join AA or RR to get in-person support. We make new friends, build new lives - sometimes from the ground up.

Read through this site, I've yet to encounter a post where somebody has put time together alcohol and drug free and said their old life was better. It's simply doesn't work that way for those of us afflicted as we are. Rather as we start getting sober and turning days into weeks and weeks into months we suddenly find that we can face life's challenges, the ups and the downs, without alcohol and live a life we had only dreamed of living before.

Again, welcome! :)

Your health insurance has excellent coverage for detox and pays for partial hospitalization program. I know, I used it.

Welcome to SR. I am so glad you are here. Please keep posting and if you have any questions IRT your insurance you may message me or post it directly on this thread and I will answer. Tricare will get you authorization as quickly as they possibly can. I thank my HP every day for their aid.

You know drinking like I know drinking Sarah. You are among friends here at SR that have experienced the drinking freestyle.

Thank you for telling your story. I feel It's important to tell the past in order to plan the future. Otherwise how can one move forward if they don't know what their leaving behind.

48 hours
 

Thank you all for the responses.

Carol: I know I should have gone to see a doctor, but my husband convinced me (after so many years of *my* convincing *him*) that I'm not that bad off. I actually slept last night, and I now feel like the fog is lifting. On the off chance I ever get into that foul crap again, I swear, right now, to you all and myself, I will go see a doctor. I'm not setting myself up to lose by saying that, I just don't want you all to think I'm taking the danger lightly.

SwanSong: I know, deep down, that I am done drinking forever. I just needed to shut up that nagging little voice in the back of my head that was freaking out at the prospect of *forever.* I have never, ever quit drinking with the intention of actually, permanently quitting, and it terrified me. And besides, the present is always "today," isn't it?

Having a daughter adds a whole new level of terror in asking for help. I'm afraid she'll be taken away from me. That's why it needs to be NOW. I need to be done with that foul crap FOREVER.

I also want to record here, the feeling of waking up groggily on the couch, caring for my daughter with a blaring headache and nausea, barely getting through changing a soiled diaper without vomiting, then pouring myself a drink. Staring down at it, knowing I'll vomit if I do drink it, I'll vomit if I don't. I didn't want it. I don't know why I drank it. Then hating myself for making the wrong choice, yet again.

*I'm never going to have to deal with that again!*

Incredible story wakeupSarah. I wish you luck.

Thanks for sharing your story, Sarah.

"never again" can be a daunting thought. I found rational recovery's AVRT tool invaluable in getting over the hump. That nagging voice can be a terrible PITA. The tool can help you :a043:

I love your honesty, Sarah....this is your time...

Be careful, because you'll probably start convincing yourself that it wasn't that bad pretty soon...as insane as that may sound to you today...

Hang in there...