New here with some questions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Thailand
Posts: 2
New here with some questions
Hello,
Ive been reading here for a few days and have some questions I hope the very friendly/helpful people on here can give me some help with.
Firstly, some background. Im 37 and have been drinking regularly since I was about 16. Im married 6 years to a great woman, and while she knew of my drinking when we got together, it has become a bigger and bigger problem for her over the years (I actually drinking quite a bit less now then i did when we got together). We have 2 small children.
We have compromised on what I drink, when I drink etc etc many times. However, the other night I came home very wasted after being out w/ some friends I hadnt seen in a long while. I passed out and left some weed on the table in front of me. Our toddler woke up the next morning and came in and saw it. She hit the roof. She basically said its me or the booze, and she is such a great woman (and my kids are so important to me) that I decided to quit. I know this may sound self-denially but I would go out 2 times a week and never drunk around the house; I dont think its going to be that hard for me to quit. However, I am in the midst of putting together some kind of plan, as I do want to have plans b, c, and d ready when/if the urge ever hits.
My two questions are: my wife believes that I should/must tell my parents/friends/work colleagues about this decision in order for it to work. I live/work in a unique situation and greatly fear the stigma/gossip that Im sure will quickly follow even an intimate disclosure to some people I know here. To be clear, while I sometimes would drink w/ these people I would go outside our community to do most of my drinking, and mainly to get away from some of them! So basically, do I have to tell people about this decision or can I do this in private?
Secondly, I have agreed to receive some counseling but am trying to figure out, with my wife, which is best and when. She wants us to do couples therapy, which Im fine with (even tho therapy etc is NOT my kind of thing....at all; and I had a very bad exp w/ it involving her in the past) but the question is should I have addiction counseling at the same time as we do marriage counseling, or rather just concentrate on stopping drinking first and then do the couples thing? She believes that she has some codependency issues that she needs to work through, but we both don't know if doing the marriage counseling thing w/ the addiction therapy would help or hurt? Any advice/insight would be great appreciated.
Nice to be part of the group; you guys are definitely part of my support plan! Thanks in advance.
Ive been reading here for a few days and have some questions I hope the very friendly/helpful people on here can give me some help with.
Firstly, some background. Im 37 and have been drinking regularly since I was about 16. Im married 6 years to a great woman, and while she knew of my drinking when we got together, it has become a bigger and bigger problem for her over the years (I actually drinking quite a bit less now then i did when we got together). We have 2 small children.
We have compromised on what I drink, when I drink etc etc many times. However, the other night I came home very wasted after being out w/ some friends I hadnt seen in a long while. I passed out and left some weed on the table in front of me. Our toddler woke up the next morning and came in and saw it. She hit the roof. She basically said its me or the booze, and she is such a great woman (and my kids are so important to me) that I decided to quit. I know this may sound self-denially but I would go out 2 times a week and never drunk around the house; I dont think its going to be that hard for me to quit. However, I am in the midst of putting together some kind of plan, as I do want to have plans b, c, and d ready when/if the urge ever hits.
My two questions are: my wife believes that I should/must tell my parents/friends/work colleagues about this decision in order for it to work. I live/work in a unique situation and greatly fear the stigma/gossip that Im sure will quickly follow even an intimate disclosure to some people I know here. To be clear, while I sometimes would drink w/ these people I would go outside our community to do most of my drinking, and mainly to get away from some of them! So basically, do I have to tell people about this decision or can I do this in private?
Secondly, I have agreed to receive some counseling but am trying to figure out, with my wife, which is best and when. She wants us to do couples therapy, which Im fine with (even tho therapy etc is NOT my kind of thing....at all; and I had a very bad exp w/ it involving her in the past) but the question is should I have addiction counseling at the same time as we do marriage counseling, or rather just concentrate on stopping drinking first and then do the couples thing? She believes that she has some codependency issues that she needs to work through, but we both don't know if doing the marriage counseling thing w/ the addiction therapy would help or hurt? Any advice/insight would be great appreciated.
Nice to be part of the group; you guys are definitely part of my support plan! Thanks in advance.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome to SR
As far as your first question, my experience is that I have only told the people that are immediate friends and family and that has been over a period of years. Anyone else that knows is because they asked me directly or the subject came up in conversation.
Question number two...I don't really have experience with being in a relationship while trying to get sober as most of my relationships ended badly due to my drinking so I can not give you any insight into couples therapy. I do know that for someone with codependent issues ALANON is a great group to get into. They teach the tools to get past one's codependency issues. Also I don't have experience with an addiction counselor as I stopped by using the program of AA.
Hope that helps you in some way.
As far as your first question, my experience is that I have only told the people that are immediate friends and family and that has been over a period of years. Anyone else that knows is because they asked me directly or the subject came up in conversation.
Question number two...I don't really have experience with being in a relationship while trying to get sober as most of my relationships ended badly due to my drinking so I can not give you any insight into couples therapy. I do know that for someone with codependent issues ALANON is a great group to get into. They teach the tools to get past one's codependency issues. Also I don't have experience with an addiction counselor as I stopped by using the program of AA.
Hope that helps you in some way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 89
Welcome! I would recommend not waiting on the couples therapy. My husband and I are in it now and it helps me with my sobriety too (actually it was the marriage counselor who identified the alcohol as the main problem and suggested I quit.)
As for telling your co-workers... I know that I could not do that. I work for a Christian organization (though I am a Buddhist) and I know there are some who might think differently of me. (Even though... the fact that I am dealing with my problem drinking should be a good thing, right? But you never know with people.) I have told family members and friends with varying degrees of disclosure. Like, my best friend, father, and of course my husband know I've stopped drinking because I have a problem. But I've told my aunts, cousins, and most friends that I stopped drinking because it was aggravating my migraines. I was having bad migraines for a while and people were aware of that so it seems plausible (and coincidentally, haven't had a migraine since I got sober, so it's actually a true excuse.) I see why your wife wants you to tell everyone, to make you commit to this and not be able to go back, but I think you can compromise by telling them on your terms. Even if you just say you're cutting out drinking because you want to get healthy, get in shape, lose weight, or something like that, it's a way you could tell people without TELLING them.
As for telling your co-workers... I know that I could not do that. I work for a Christian organization (though I am a Buddhist) and I know there are some who might think differently of me. (Even though... the fact that I am dealing with my problem drinking should be a good thing, right? But you never know with people.) I have told family members and friends with varying degrees of disclosure. Like, my best friend, father, and of course my husband know I've stopped drinking because I have a problem. But I've told my aunts, cousins, and most friends that I stopped drinking because it was aggravating my migraines. I was having bad migraines for a while and people were aware of that so it seems plausible (and coincidentally, haven't had a migraine since I got sober, so it's actually a true excuse.) I see why your wife wants you to tell everyone, to make you commit to this and not be able to go back, but I think you can compromise by telling them on your terms. Even if you just say you're cutting out drinking because you want to get healthy, get in shape, lose weight, or something like that, it's a way you could tell people without TELLING them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
This is not a conventional approach, but when I quit I didn't tell anybody, including my wife. I even waited 2 weeks before telling my psychologist. Over time I told some business associates because the process was turbulent for a while and it was affecting my work. I just had the discussion with my wife a week ago (I admit 6 months was probably too long).
But imo you don't have to tell anyone. Just quit and tell them later when it matters. Forcing yourself to make an announcement like that just puts additional pressure on you and doesn't make them exactly comfortable either.
As far as the therapy goes, I started with the psychologist before quitting, but maybe you want to do that before you start with the couples therapy. Ask your wife to hold off for a while until you can get your new self figured out. Seems to me like couples therapy is putting the cart before the horse.
Of course I don't know much about your situation or your relationship with your wife; that's just the approach I took/might take.
Good luck!
BTW I was smoking weed too, nightly. Quit both at the same time.
But imo you don't have to tell anyone. Just quit and tell them later when it matters. Forcing yourself to make an announcement like that just puts additional pressure on you and doesn't make them exactly comfortable either.
As far as the therapy goes, I started with the psychologist before quitting, but maybe you want to do that before you start with the couples therapy. Ask your wife to hold off for a while until you can get your new self figured out. Seems to me like couples therapy is putting the cart before the horse.
Of course I don't know much about your situation or your relationship with your wife; that's just the approach I took/might take.
Good luck!
BTW I was smoking weed too, nightly. Quit both at the same time.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome DJOC - This is a great place for support.
Do you think you have a problem with alcohol?
If so, your wife might benefit from reading about or going to Al-Anon.
Some counselors are knowledgable about addiction and some aren't, so you may want to ask around and see what your choices are. I know a few family/marriage counselors who do alot of addiction stuff...... If you know of any rehab centers in your area, the docs there could probably give you some suggestions.
Certainly, if there are other issues besides alcohol in the marriage, counseling is always a plus.
Do you think you have a problem with alcohol?
If so, your wife might benefit from reading about or going to Al-Anon.
Some counselors are knowledgable about addiction and some aren't, so you may want to ask around and see what your choices are. I know a few family/marriage counselors who do alot of addiction stuff...... If you know of any rehab centers in your area, the docs there could probably give you some suggestions.
Certainly, if there are other issues besides alcohol in the marriage, counseling is always a plus.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Thailand
Posts: 2
Hello Artsoul,
Thanks for replying. I know that I drink more than I should (however you want to recommend that) but am not sure if I am an alcoholic or not (I think Im not, but my wife sure thinks that I am). Im currently reading/researching a great deal about these issues. I feel the "proof will be in the pudding" and if I can't stop on my own, then she will have been right and I will have been wrong. I hope this answers your question.
Thanks for replying. I know that I drink more than I should (however you want to recommend that) but am not sure if I am an alcoholic or not (I think Im not, but my wife sure thinks that I am). Im currently reading/researching a great deal about these issues. I feel the "proof will be in the pudding" and if I can't stop on my own, then she will have been right and I will have been wrong. I hope this answers your question.
to SR.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
