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How do you remember how bad it was?

Old 07-20-2011, 02:38 PM
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I think, for me anyway, that focusing on how bad it was... and even making pros/cons lists never work long-term.

It never solidified in my mind until this last time I got sober... June 28th. Deciding once and for all that I can't drink... period. And that I will never drink again... ever. Under no circumstance, no exceptions, no re-considerations... none of that waffling back and forth. It's worked like an absolute charm!! I have had no problems staying sober this final time. And I do believe I'll never drink again. It's taken the whole "relapse" or "what if I drink again" anxiety right out of the equation.

It's left me free to move forward with real life... and in fact, I'm not completely sold on this idea of a long, drawn out "recovery" either... It's nearly as if I've picked back up where I left off before the drinking got out of hand. I'm actually working on regular things now. Finances, nutrition, fitness... etc. And I'm not ruminating about alcohol.
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Old 07-20-2011, 02:42 PM
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...but, if you are in the stage of contemplation and preparation... then, thoroughly examining all the pros/cons about drinking might be the way to go.

AFTER you do that... come to your conclusion of either (1) drink, (2) don't drink (never, ever), or (3) moderation (and you probably won't be able to if it's caused you problems)... and then stick to that.
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Old 07-20-2011, 02:52 PM
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This:

Originally Posted by Englishrose70 View Post
Then I recall how grateful I am when I go to bed, take off my makeup, apply moisturiser, clean my teeth, think about the following day with hope and say a little prayer of thanks.

How I love and enjoy the simplicity of that routine as opposed to collapsing on the bed at stupid O'clock after crawling up to the stairs after passing out on the sofa. Waking up with a banging head and mascara smeared on the pillow, a thirst like the desert and puffy, blood shot eyes and full of self-loathing.

The thought of it makes me shudder.

Thats what keeps me going
You made me tear up with this one.....when I actually do string together a few days sober....this is one activity I take joy in.....taking care of myself instead of abusing myself. I went out and bought the entire line of Oil of Olay Total Effects last month (when I committed to sobriety once again)....you never realize how much it means to take part in "normal" routines, as simple as they are. I totally understand the waking up with the head banging and hating yourself all over again.

I, too, seem to be overcome with amnesia within 2-4 days after a big bender....but I think that SoberJennie hit the nail on the head with making a firm commitment, as long as there is an ounce of indecision the AV will make itself heard and (at least with me) more than likely win.
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Old 07-20-2011, 02:58 PM
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Nineteen months later and I still remember how sick I was after drinking for two days. (ruining six months of sobriety) I woke up hating myself and wishing I could die just to escape my misery. I've never forgotten that feeling and never want to feel that way again.
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Old 07-20-2011, 03:02 PM
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Whatever keeps one motivated to live a healthy alcohol free life is good by me.

I know I'll never forget why I'm choosing to live a life free from alcohol and other nasty substances.
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Old 07-20-2011, 03:16 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I remember praying to God before going to bed and asking Him not to wake me up the next morning. I wanted to die. I remember that hangover from that next morning. That is a big key.

I have also been to see some bands at bars and went to karaoke with people drinking. I watch them fall. I watch them make fools of themselves.

I go to an AA meeting and hear stories worse than mine and relize that it could be me doing that if I go back out.
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Old 07-20-2011, 03:38 PM
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being sober

Being sober (I suppose for long enough) actually doesn't leave you any other options - than being sober. I had the last one on May 4th. I wish I could tell someone my whole and complete story, so that that someone would realize the the absolute fulfillment you experience once the poison in your mind has gone.
Originally Posted by SoberJennie View Post
I think, for me anyway, that focusing on how bad it was... and even making pros/cons lists never work long-term.

It never solidified in my mind until this last time I got sober... June 28th. Deciding once and for all that I can't drink... period. And that I will never drink again... ever. Under no circumstance, no exceptions, no re-considerations... none of that waffling back and forth. It's worked like an absolute charm!! I have had no problems staying sober this final time. And I do believe I'll never drink again. It's taken the whole "relapse" or "what if I drink again" anxiety right out of the equation.

It's left me free to move forward with real life... and in fact, I'm not completely sold on this idea of a long, drawn out "recovery" either... It's nearly as if I've picked back up where I left off before the drinking got out of hand. I'm actually working on regular things now. Finances, nutrition, fitness... etc. And I'm not ruminating about alcohol.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:25 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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BodhiTree,
Congratulations on your 9 days! That is huge!

Good post! I have an answer for you too. You are already well on your way to having a journal by your posts here!
Look over there under my name at the number of posts I have.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I go back and read my answers when I was newly sober and struggling with PAWS and it is a real trip. My thoughts and ability to put together my thoughts has evolved along the way and I have a record to go back to.

But more importantly is that they (my posts) have mostly been answering others, and may have in some small way, helped another to get here to the other side of the street. Yours will too including this one.

Jennie said it another way than I do but it is the same thing. I call my sobriety unconditional, like unconditional love. I never got that out of a book, nor from another. It just occurred to me that I keep reading the same things over and over.

People that relapse have conditions on their sobriety.

They are sober so long as:
They remember how bad it was,
as long as they are more afraid of alcohol than sobriety,
as long as there are no stresses,
as long as they are happy,
as long as they don't have to give up friends,
as long as they have a partner or don't,
as long as they can party,
as long as they aren't bored,
as long as they feel worthwhile,
as long as they feel worthless,
as long as they have no self-esteem,
as long as they do.

I am sure we can add a zillion conditional conditions that we see here and in our own lives that cause us to waver.

It is one thing to break most other promises to ourselves, they won't kill us in the end after stealing everything from us beforehand.

My sobriety and decision never to smoke again are unconditional. Concrete, irrevocable, and at 9 months stable.

I used my docs and AA and everything I needed to get here. Everything worked even though I am only active on SR anymore.

Where is here? Recovered. And the minute one says that, there are a bunch of folks of every recovery persuasion that says, “this is what will work for everybody, that does not,” etc.

When at nine months I say that, some of my recovering friends look at me like I am cocky and say that I won't last I am headed for a relapse. Horse patooties!

I am recovering mentally and physically, daily getting better. I have no AV talking to me, submerged or not, and I don't go around walking on eggshells for fear of relapsing.

Getting here was hard because of my age and my PAWS which were really bad. And now are almost 100% gone. I needed support to get me past the “I need a drink to feel better” stage which really only lasted a week or five.

My sobriety is unconditional. I got sober and now am well and healthy again.

As you read here you will see where folks talk about this time it is different, it is like a switch has been thrown, the desire to go back is not there. Jennie has thrown that switch. As have I, and many others.

If someone needs someone to hold their hand for the rest of their life then so be it, there are programs for that. But what happens when that someone isn't there? I am fortunate in that I have someone here that will be here as long as I am. Me.

There is no self-discipline in any human at first. Discipline defined as adhering to a given set of behaviors and values. We all start out with parents that impose external discipline, reinforcing behaviors that are acceptable and extinguishing the bad ones, then we learn to do it ourselves. We behave without the fear of punishment. Punishment is not discipline. It is used only when discipline fails for those who use them properly.

I do not need fear to keep me sober. If some do, great. My sobriety is not predicated on things going a certain way. It is not predicated on things going only my way. It is unconditional.

The only way I will hear any voice from alcohol again is if I am foolich enough to have one drink ever again. I won't.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:29 PM
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Welcome to SR Klaarstroom
and good to see you Rachel1980 - welcome back

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Old 07-20-2011, 05:22 PM
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I still have very vivid memories of just what a hangover feels like (even though it's been months since I had one), and I channel that whenever I'm tempted to have a drink. I can also remember some of the cringe-worthy things I did, said, and allowed to be done to me while wasted, and that's definitely a deterrent as well. I don't ever want to be that sloppy girl again. Writing down those kinds of things is a good idea just in case they are ever forgotten and I need a future reminder. (I only hope that I can forget them one day! For now they feel so fresh that I literally do cringe.)

Someone mentioned quitting smoking - I quit smoking 8 years ago and the way I felt about that was the same way I feel about quitting drinking now. I smoked for 4 years in college and my mom was always on me to quit (she worked for an oncologist and HATED smoking) but I'd always blow her off. I'd take the Nicorette she'd buy me and use it when I had to go long times without smoking (like Christmas) but *I* didn't want to quit, so I never did for real. I'd pretend to quit. But I finally had an epiphany in my senior year that it was going to be impossible to be a teacher and be a smoker (doing my observations, I had to walk like a block away from the school to legally have a smoke - just wasn't worth it). Plus I was tired of chronic colds and infections. So I resolved to quit. Used some leftover Bed Bath and Beyond gift cards from my wedding to buy a yoga mat and two DVDs and that was the beginning of that great love affair! So for all the months following, when I'd see others smoking (I had turned 21 and could go to bars for the first time, though drinking wasn't a problem - yet), I'd feel mildly tempted, then think, "But what will my deep inhales and exhales feel like tomorrow when I do yoga? No, I just can't smoke." It was easy.

So I'm trying to channel that same feeling into quitting drinking. Just that it's something that doesn't fit in my life anymore - I want to be happy and healthy, I don't want to wake up feeling gross, I don't want to be that person anymore. So the only way is to not drink. Yeah, I could try to have "just one", like I could have had "just one" cigarette back then, but... why? Life feels really good and easy without it. I have never done any drugs (thank goodness) because I had this reasoning: I could try drugs, and there are two possible outcomes. #1- I'll like it, and I'll have to keep doing it. That'll be a huge hassle, be expensive, possibly get me arrested or even kill me! #2- I won't like it, and it was a waste of time. Neither outcome is worth it, right? So I never even smoked the first joint, tried cocaine, etc, even though all my friends were doing them. So, I tell myself that about that "one drink after work with friends." I'm either going to like it and want more, or I'm going to regret it, and neither is what I want. So the only solution is to not do it at all!
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Old 07-20-2011, 06:05 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Yes, I struggle with it. I'm on Day 122, and lately the urge to drink is stronger. So far I am defeating it by coming here and by really thinking it through before I take action, and the urges pass. As others have mentioned, having the pros and cons written down is a big help. Fortunately, I wrote a very vivid description in my journal on that latest (and, I hope, last) Day One...going back and reading that makes the pain fresh again, the fear of what could have happened, the horror at my behavior. I even gave that last night a name: The Pub Incident...I refer to it in my journal as TPI. I don't want to ever have another of those. I also try to think about how well life has been going since then. I've gotten a huge raise/promotion and I've started writing a book...sounds ridiculous and I'm not sure I can attribute it to stopping drinking, but I definitely don't want to go back to where I was. I remind myself that the best-case scenario from a night of drinking is a hangover, and in my job I don't have the energy to spare for that.
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Old 07-20-2011, 06:43 PM
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To be honest, I no longer rely on the memory of "how bad it was" to keep me sober. I tried that before, the "one day at a time" and rehashing how bad things were so that I wouldn't forget, and inevitably, I drank again. The first time I quit, I started feeling a whole lot better after about a month, and like Jenny said, it kind of felt like I had returned to how I was before I started drinking. I felt like I was running on six cylinders instead of two, like I had been for years.

Then one day I "forgot" why I had quit, and thought "well, since I feel so much better, why not have a few?" Somehow that "cost benefit analysis" of drinking vs not drinking didn't do the trick, and I was on the way to the liquor store. That brought on a headlong descent into the abyss, with much suffering. I finally had to make a decision to never drink again, and to never change my mind, which I solidified by realizing that in order for me to do anything truly wrong, or bad, or heinous, I would have to be drunk. As such, for me, drinking is the most immoral act of all, and I abstain as a matter of principle.

When I finally got around to quitting again, though, I did not bounce back as fast as I did the first time, and I am not entirely sure I ever will return to how I was before. I do think about drinking every so often, but I no longer have relapse anxiety. I don't have to worry about remembering all the bad stuff, which if I were to think about all the time would make me horrifically depressed. In fact, I am not even inclined to really "share" my story anymore, since it would serve little purpose beyond making me feel bad.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that I will not drink again.
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Old 07-20-2011, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by BodhiTree View Post
the longer I feel better, the easier it is to take it for granted. My memories of how bad it was are already becoming less vivid. And those memories are a large part of what is motivating me to stay away from the alcohol.
This was my biggest fear when I quit 27 days ago!

I have plenty of BAD memories to pull from but all my years of trying to moderate I knew that the guilt and shame wears off. I'm forgetful, impulsive and have not used my will power all that much in my life.

Reading over my old posts and posts from new/returning people helps a ton. It reminds me to accept the fact that I can never drink again. (Never!)

The last time I got drunk I woke up the next day with no memory of what had happened the night before. My fiance only told me that if I kept drinking I would lose him.

That same day I found this site. I was full of panic/fear/regret/shame and, out of fear that I would forget the lesson I finally learned, I went the next day and got a small tattoo on the side of my finger.

The first week or so when I would think about drinking I would look at the tattoo and visualize some of the horrific memories I have.

I posted about the tattoo on this forum and someone else said they bought themselves a bracelet they wear always for the exact same reason.

I'm not sure if that's helpful to you - I think it was good for me to write it down again.

Rest assured - there are lots of people who feel this way.
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Old 07-20-2011, 10:30 PM
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Great post Itchy!
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Old 07-21-2011, 05:53 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BodhiTree View Post
I'm on Day 9 today and so far things have been very positive for me. I feel so much better in the morning (and in the afternoon, evening and night). I am enjoying being clear, remembering what happened during my evenings, choosing when to go to bed rather than fall asleep (okay...passing out) on the couch, and not waking up to reading cringe-inducing facebook updates that I posted while on my 4th or 5th gin and tonic. And the lack of hangover is just unspeakably great.
Well, fear is certainly a great motivator and I won't minimize it or the value of remembering how bad it was. I kept a journal at the end of my drinking and in early sobriety, and when I got to thinking "oh, it wasn't that bad" I'd pull it out and read the entries when I was still drinking. That took care of that.

But what I really want to say to you is that you may find value in focusing on the positive aspects of sobriety rather than on fear. You did a great job of expressing those positives--the clarity, the absence of shame, the lack of hangovers, etc.--and they are very real. VERY. And there is nothing at all wrong with deriving motivation from wanting to keep those wonderful things in your life.

More than once in early sobriety I got through a rough night not by scaring myself with memories of my sordid past but by knowing how good I would feel the next day when I woke up sober.

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Old 07-21-2011, 08:57 AM
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More than anything else, I try to focus on the positive impact sobriety has on my life, rather than constantly beating myself up over the negative impact that alcohol had. Yeah, I remember detoxing (that was f'ing horrible) and all the awful things I did or said; but using those as a deterrent is just another way of kicking myself and making myself feel bad, which is half the reason I started drinking in the first place. Cyclical thinking like that won't work for me. On the other hand, focusing on how much better sober life is -- the thought of losing that (an absolute certainty if I pick up even one drink) is what works for me today.

--Fenris.
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Old 07-21-2011, 09:07 AM
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The brain naturally supresses pain so forgetting the lows are very common. Hell, I honestly have very little memory of anything younger than 18.

Journaling is an incredible tool for so many reasons and another cool tool I recently stumbled upon is the ability to view all of your posts here on SR.
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Old 07-21-2011, 10:17 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Just found pictures of myself from two years ago.

Holy God. Those remind me of how bad things were with drinking.
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:07 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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It's become pretty automatic for me to "Play it through."

I was having a rough night Saturday while camping with the family and the thought crossed my mind but it was directly joined with knowing that it would continue forever and I would fall back into sickness, guilt, and shame just over a single bad day.
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:27 PM
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Thanks for reminding me SPG

In case anyones not familiar with 'playing the tape through to the end'...it's a technique that has been useful for me and others...

It's very easy to remember the 'good' times of alcohol - we can all conjure up a rosy picture, usually involving us drinking 'normally' and having a great time....

but it's less easy to force ourselves to 'play the tape through to the end' and look at the consequences of our drinking....remember the embarrassments, the fight, the accidents, the bad situations, the legal trouble, the DUIs...whatever....it's important to try and make a conscious effort to remember the bad stuff too.

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