Denial no more ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 1
Denial no more ...
I've been reading on here for awhile now and have decided it's time for me to share. That I need to share. I'm 47....I'm scared, sad, angry and hate that it has come to the point that I have to stop drinking.
I've been experiencing withdrawls, on a daily basis, for a long time now. Most days really bad. The shakes, nausea, vomiting, anxiety, dread, involuntary movements, fear of driving (the list goes on) are horrible.
I'm also experiencing hair loss, confusion, hazy thoughts, weight gain, bloating, memory loss (again, the list goes on). BUT, I thought, If I switch from drinking 80 proof to 48 proof vodka .. that it would be okay. Well, it was, for a little bit but now i'm drinking more of it. I'm not kidding myself anymore.
Today, at work we had a team meeting at 9:00 a.m. Right after the meeting, one of the gossipers came to me, giggling ... "Wow, could you smell the alcohol in the room?" ... I froze. Another, of many 'wake up' calls for me. I made an appt. with an alcohol therapist, as soon as I got home from work. Aug. 2nd @ 6:00 p.m. I'm scared but ready for all this misery to end. Last October, 2010...I went to an AA meeting..I finally had realized that I indeed have a big problem...I cried, shook...I was a mess. A few days later, I had an appt. with a counselor at the Health Care Center. It was 7:30 in the morning. At 7:40, she said ... "Do you mind if I give you a breathalyzer, all I can smell is alcohol". I said absolutely. I blew a .15 ... I was mortified. I hadn't had a drink since the night before. My shakes were uncontrollable. Couldn't even right my name. How many mornings have I been driving to work like this? Scares me to no end. I stopped drinking for 2 weeks (Nov 2010). Felt great. But, of course, I thought I could start back up. That I could control it .. Not even close.
I have so much more to tell, but all the tears are making this very difficult.
Thanks for reading.
I've been experiencing withdrawls, on a daily basis, for a long time now. Most days really bad. The shakes, nausea, vomiting, anxiety, dread, involuntary movements, fear of driving (the list goes on) are horrible.
I'm also experiencing hair loss, confusion, hazy thoughts, weight gain, bloating, memory loss (again, the list goes on). BUT, I thought, If I switch from drinking 80 proof to 48 proof vodka .. that it would be okay. Well, it was, for a little bit but now i'm drinking more of it. I'm not kidding myself anymore.
Today, at work we had a team meeting at 9:00 a.m. Right after the meeting, one of the gossipers came to me, giggling ... "Wow, could you smell the alcohol in the room?" ... I froze. Another, of many 'wake up' calls for me. I made an appt. with an alcohol therapist, as soon as I got home from work. Aug. 2nd @ 6:00 p.m. I'm scared but ready for all this misery to end. Last October, 2010...I went to an AA meeting..I finally had realized that I indeed have a big problem...I cried, shook...I was a mess. A few days later, I had an appt. with a counselor at the Health Care Center. It was 7:30 in the morning. At 7:40, she said ... "Do you mind if I give you a breathalyzer, all I can smell is alcohol". I said absolutely. I blew a .15 ... I was mortified. I hadn't had a drink since the night before. My shakes were uncontrollable. Couldn't even right my name. How many mornings have I been driving to work like this? Scares me to no end. I stopped drinking for 2 weeks (Nov 2010). Felt great. But, of course, I thought I could start back up. That I could control it .. Not even close.
I have so much more to tell, but all the tears are making this very difficult.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Breaking through denial is huge, it serves to keep us safe from truths almost to scary to face. Sounds like you're ready and taking some steps. Hopefully the therapist can help you along. Whatever you do stop the booze and don't do it alone. By best to you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. Your chance of success increases when you're honest with yourself about your problems. Until I admitted it out loud I kept on drinking cause I was lying to myself about the damage it was doing to my life.
We'll keep you good company on your sober journey.
We're a good lot here and we understand.
You'll find lots of support here - I always have.
We'll keep you good company on your sober journey.
We're a good lot here and we understand. You'll find lots of support here - I always have. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Tomorrow is a new day ((Enuf))) Please know you can overcome this addiction. When you've had enough....you've had enough. Sounds like you have some plans in place. I'm happy you joined us here at SR. The support is fantastic. Thank you for your very honest post. Your not alone Enuf!
:ghug3
Best Wishes To You!
:ghug3
Best Wishes To You!
Guest
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
I was right there 8 days ago. The shakes, the haze. Memory loss. Vodka is my weakness too. Its time to stop. You don't have to do it alone. You are not alone here. This site has been a source of strength for me. Keep coming back to let us know. We can do it together.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hey Enuf,
you've done a great thing by coming to SR.
No doubt, recognising the problem is a massive step - most people here took several attampts to get sober.
I'm newly clean myself, so will leave any advice to those with more wisdom, except to say please do keep reading & posting.
Welcome!
you've done a great thing by coming to SR.
No doubt, recognising the problem is a massive step - most people here took several attampts to get sober.
I'm newly clean myself, so will leave any advice to those with more wisdom, except to say please do keep reading & posting.
Welcome!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome EnufisEnuf (love your name!)
Most of us have gone to extremes to hang on to alcohol, to find a way to control it or beat it on our own. We know what it's like and you're not alone. Have you considered a medical detox? It sounds like you might need to go that route. The more help and support you have, the better.
I'm glad you're here - this is a great place. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it really is possible to get your life back and feel good again.
Most of us have gone to extremes to hang on to alcohol, to find a way to control it or beat it on our own. We know what it's like and you're not alone. Have you considered a medical detox? It sounds like you might need to go that route. The more help and support you have, the better.
I'm glad you're here - this is a great place. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it really is possible to get your life back and feel good again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: great lakes
Posts: 101
Welcome, Enuf. Wow! Your story really shook me. I can't help wonder if I ever went into work reeking of alcohol from the night before or even still drunk! Let alone who may have known or suspected? Its too awful to think about.
Thank you for your honesty. I hope you stay with us& keep posting.
-peace
Thank you for your honesty. I hope you stay with us& keep posting.
-peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Enuf, so glad you are here and doing something positive towards getting sober. I would also suggest a medical detox if you have the opportunity available to you. It's the safest way. Do you have a doctor you can speak with honestly?
Your post really struck me because I also quit drinking November 2010...and also didn't stick to it - I lasted maybe six weeks. In April 2011, I nearly died from drinking - literally. That night was the last night I drank, and I never wish to be back there, and despite it occasionally being hard work to be sober, it's never been as hard as living the way I was.
I, too, made my first post on SR with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't believe I'd got so bad, so bad that I didn't know what else to do but anonymously post in a forum where I didn't think anyone would be interested. I was wrong. They were interested, welcoming, non judgmental and warm, loving people who GOT me (I hadn't made a proper connection with anyone in a long time) - and they still are, and it's been, quite honestly, a lifesaver to me. My life is so much better now, and it can be for you, too.
So for me..it was also 'EnufisEnuf'. Come on in and jump in feet first into recovery. I think you are worth it
Your post really struck me because I also quit drinking November 2010...and also didn't stick to it - I lasted maybe six weeks. In April 2011, I nearly died from drinking - literally. That night was the last night I drank, and I never wish to be back there, and despite it occasionally being hard work to be sober, it's never been as hard as living the way I was.
I, too, made my first post on SR with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't believe I'd got so bad, so bad that I didn't know what else to do but anonymously post in a forum where I didn't think anyone would be interested. I was wrong. They were interested, welcoming, non judgmental and warm, loving people who GOT me (I hadn't made a proper connection with anyone in a long time) - and they still are, and it's been, quite honestly, a lifesaver to me. My life is so much better now, and it can be for you, too.
So for me..it was also 'EnufisEnuf'. Come on in and jump in feet first into recovery. I think you are worth it
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