Soberpotamus

Wow... yikes!!

I'm posting because I just had quite a scary split second urge a few moments ago. My bf left for work tonight and as I shut and locked the door behind him, I took a couple steps down the hall and was looking at myself in the mirror all the way at the end of the hall.... and this voice just came from outta nowhere (no, not really... it's my own conscience of course) and said: "It would feel so good to have a buzz right now. You could go get a bottle of wine so fast... and have a nice little buzz going in no time at all. You're bored, he's at work, he'll never know." ...or something along those lines.





That was the 2nd urge I've had in 15 days. I wanted to post it to get it out of my own head. I'm not about to act on it. I'm fully convinced I can't and will never ever drink again... no exceptions.

But... maybe posting it will help to solidify in my mind what might be going on... I don't want to let instances like this build up and add up to the point where I'd actually consider acting on it.

Why did I think I was bored? I'm not. I have plenty to do, plenty to read, I even would like to go for a walk or get out of the house and go to a bookstore for some coffee.

What a sneaky trick my mind is used to playing on me...

Dee74

That voice is very persuasive...and insidious.

It sounds so very reasonable...and coming at a time of no stress (but maximum opportunity) it sounds even more reasonable.

Of course, the problem is....what it suggests is insane.

D

nm1212

Yeah, that voice is a dick. Good job.

raindancer11

Crazy, isn't it? Mine is starting to tell me "Look you're going to drink at some point anyway, just quit after this one." Pure evil.

Glad you posted about it.

MycoolFitz

We all have our little voices the key is hearing them for what they are, ghosts with no place to go or be. They belong to our addictions and have no other home. With mindfulness we recognize them for what they are and in awareness they lose any power. Otherwise we sometimes take that drink and have no idea why. We just say "I wasn't thinking anything, I just drank I don't know why." Good for you--good catch.

Tippingpoint

Ya...that voice is a dick. Dick voice.

Soberpotamus

LOL... I love the guys' perspectives on this voice. I'm going to name it the Dick Voice

ViciousCycle

Lol!

That actually might be a good idea..........naming that voice.....I will have to come up with one for mine....

stanleyhouse

I used to hear that voice all the time but it was like muscle memory reminding me of what I used to do. I just told myself, thank goodness I don't do that anymore and look forward to being sober 10 min, an hour or 3 days later.
SH

Soberpotamus

Actually... I'm not going to name it the Dick Voice... for pretty obvious reasons LOL. I don't want to make unecessary associations

I like what Stanley said... "I just don't do that anymore."

Or... for me, "I just don't drink." And yeah, it's like muscle memory... hmm, guess it's cerebral cortex memory then?

MycoolFitz

Actually I think its more in the reptilian brain cell, that which deals soley with survival. The brains been conditioned by our DOC. Without it, it thinks it will die. Its like air to a sufficating man, or women. It thinks "without this I will die". It takes awhile to train it and put it to rest. We can recover with the help of our neo-cortex, our reasoning, rational brain but sometimes it takes time to upshift and stay there. Survival is such a basic and deep rooted thing. It takes time for the brain to realize its been hoodwinked. Our only real hope for survival is our sobriety.

Soberpotamus

Yes! This makes sense... the lizard or reptilian brain. And so we can learn to activate more of the neo-cortex areas to retrain the brain to function better... not on that base level.

aNewDawn

Oh yeah, "the voice". It's scary how it can come within a split second. One second you are totally fine and committed to stay sober, the next that voice starts to negotiate terms of drinking again...

For me it often starts with "you can start again tomorrow", "one night is not going to be that bad..." and lately I've been able to actually keep it at one or two nights of drinking before I get back to a week or so without a drink, but it's hard work. It's also not fun, so why do it at all?

I've been sober for 8 months last year and I remember that it got a lot easier to deal with "the voice" after a few weeks. Most of the times a simple tought of "Oh yeah, but I just don't drink anymore... no, thanks" was enough most of the times, and I really want to get back to that point. Leaves alot more energy and time for the good stuff in life...

MycoolFitz

At least that's what I think but "don't know"

Soberpotamus

Now don't Zen out on me, Fitz!!

michelle01

I do think we get 'programmed' by our DOC, and it goes very deep into our instincts and emotions - very powerful. You dealt with it well, we all have times we hear that voice, it's recognizing it for what it is, declaring it openly, refusing to take any heed of it - you need to be 100% opposed or eventually, it is gonna win with all the excuses, it is scary how they seem to make ok sense at the time. And yes it can creep up on you over time, just as you say, if you simply try to push it down, get complacent and don't stay fixed on recovery.

artsoul

It really can hit me out of the blue, too, just like you described. The first months were the worst. A couple of times I wished I had a straight jacket so that I could tie my arms behind my back and not be able to reach for the car keys. It can be really uncomfortable and a little scary.

It really does get better. Congratulations for hanging in there and thanks for the post - I can relate!!

instant

The big book refers to these experiences as "moments of insanity".

Soberpotamus

Thankfully, I don't put much stock in the Big Book. In my opinion, it's called addiction. Now... 3-4 months from now if I'm hearing actual voices, it might be insanity.

Rusty Zipper

keep kicking that Rat of a voice to the curb SJ