bad few days but good results and hopefully even better in the future
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
bad few days but good results and hopefully even better in the future
Good evening everyone (well, evening here in Minnesota). I haven't been on here for a while, I guess only a week but thats a while for me considering I'm usually on here a few times a day since joining. Reason being, I slipped up again, bad. Needless to say, I was arrested Thursday last week for 5th degree domestic assault.
I took off of work early that day and figured I'd be home, by myself for the day, I had a little cash in my pocket, I figured I could get something to drink, catch a buzz, take a nap and get some work done around the house and be relativley sober by the time the wife gets home. That did not work out as planned. I ended up going back to the store for a second bottle and I was pretty lit up by the time she got home.
We were already in a bit of an arguement about my dog getting into some stuff that was left on the counter. Well that little arguement continued when she got home and it exploded when she realized that I had been drinking.That was it, she was leaving with the kids so of course I followed her around while yelling at each other and I threatened to kick down a door and just lost my temper. Trust me, I would never hurt my wife or kids and this was the angriest I've been for as long as I can remember. Anyway, she threatened to call the cops and my dumb*ss said bring it on. She then got into her car and proceeded to make the call. At the time, I was knocking on the window trying to get her attention which wasn't working so then I walked around the front of the vehicle and open handed, smacked the hood of the car, no damage but smacked it pretty good.
I know, long story. Shortly thereafter, police show up, I admit to doing what I did and the story matched with the wife's. Out come the cuffs and off to jail I go. The wife didn't even have to press charges, the city did because the stories matched and I was acting in a violent, threatening manner.
1 day in city lock up, 1 in county lock up. I have 88 days and $700 over my head for a year now. Have to wear an Alco bracelet for a month or so and then random tests for the rest of the year. So fresh out of court, I've got 15 miles to walk home so guess where I stop-the L, bought a bottle for the long walk home. Stop 2/3 of the way home at a resteraunt for drinks and dinner, caught a cab the rest of the way to my buddies house. Hung out with him and fiance, cried on their shoulders and at some point after getting their, they just got up and said lets go. Go meant, lets go and get you (me) some help. I don't think I thought about it for more then ten seconds and said ok, lets go.
Hospital over night for observation (blew 0.260), then to a local detox/rehab facility until yesterday afternoon. The jail part realy sucked but the clinic was probably the best thing that could've ever happen to me. It opened my eyes, I realized that I do have some self control but not enough to rid all of the demons I have. I met a lot of great people going through the same crap that I was going through in one way or another, these people are my friends and I knew this within the first hours of meeting them.
Because of this experience at the clinic, I now want to go to AA meetings which I did, my first meeting ever this evening (aside from the group meetings in the clinic which I suppose you can call those AA meetings).
My wife decided to stick it out since I am now getting the help that I need-I have one more chance and I pray that this is the last one I'll ever need. I am currently staying at my parents on the other side of town since there is a no contact order in effect unless I have a police escort. Anyway, I'll stay here until she is ready, I'll continue on the path I am on, continue going to meetings, probably a few a week and hopefully things will work out. I guess, worst case scenario is that she leaves me but at least I am taking care of my self, I just can't imagine life without her and the kids. I couldn't ask for a better woman or family, I had it made , I hope it's not too late.
I took off of work early that day and figured I'd be home, by myself for the day, I had a little cash in my pocket, I figured I could get something to drink, catch a buzz, take a nap and get some work done around the house and be relativley sober by the time the wife gets home. That did not work out as planned. I ended up going back to the store for a second bottle and I was pretty lit up by the time she got home.
We were already in a bit of an arguement about my dog getting into some stuff that was left on the counter. Well that little arguement continued when she got home and it exploded when she realized that I had been drinking.That was it, she was leaving with the kids so of course I followed her around while yelling at each other and I threatened to kick down a door and just lost my temper. Trust me, I would never hurt my wife or kids and this was the angriest I've been for as long as I can remember. Anyway, she threatened to call the cops and my dumb*ss said bring it on. She then got into her car and proceeded to make the call. At the time, I was knocking on the window trying to get her attention which wasn't working so then I walked around the front of the vehicle and open handed, smacked the hood of the car, no damage but smacked it pretty good.
I know, long story. Shortly thereafter, police show up, I admit to doing what I did and the story matched with the wife's. Out come the cuffs and off to jail I go. The wife didn't even have to press charges, the city did because the stories matched and I was acting in a violent, threatening manner.
1 day in city lock up, 1 in county lock up. I have 88 days and $700 over my head for a year now. Have to wear an Alco bracelet for a month or so and then random tests for the rest of the year. So fresh out of court, I've got 15 miles to walk home so guess where I stop-the L, bought a bottle for the long walk home. Stop 2/3 of the way home at a resteraunt for drinks and dinner, caught a cab the rest of the way to my buddies house. Hung out with him and fiance, cried on their shoulders and at some point after getting their, they just got up and said lets go. Go meant, lets go and get you (me) some help. I don't think I thought about it for more then ten seconds and said ok, lets go.
Hospital over night for observation (blew 0.260), then to a local detox/rehab facility until yesterday afternoon. The jail part realy sucked but the clinic was probably the best thing that could've ever happen to me. It opened my eyes, I realized that I do have some self control but not enough to rid all of the demons I have. I met a lot of great people going through the same crap that I was going through in one way or another, these people are my friends and I knew this within the first hours of meeting them.
Because of this experience at the clinic, I now want to go to AA meetings which I did, my first meeting ever this evening (aside from the group meetings in the clinic which I suppose you can call those AA meetings).
My wife decided to stick it out since I am now getting the help that I need-I have one more chance and I pray that this is the last one I'll ever need. I am currently staying at my parents on the other side of town since there is a no contact order in effect unless I have a police escort. Anyway, I'll stay here until she is ready, I'll continue on the path I am on, continue going to meetings, probably a few a week and hopefully things will work out. I guess, worst case scenario is that she leaves me but at least I am taking care of my self, I just can't imagine life without her and the kids. I couldn't ask for a better woman or family, I had it made , I hope it's not too late.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
I would like to share with you the letter I wrote. Before leaving the clinic, you are supposed to do a handfull of assignments, one of which is the "Good_bye letter to your drug of choice". I spent a number of hours thinking about what to write, writing, and crying and this is what I came up with. I want to share it because, to my surprise, it had an affect on just about everyone in the room, even one of the counslers was crying by the time I finished presenting it to the group. I know what I am going though is killing me inside but to open up to these people, my friends and somehow touch them the way that I did shocked the hell out of me. I am normally a pretty quiet and reserved person, especially when it comes to my feeling and being in front of a decent sized group of people.
Here we go:
"Dear alcohol. You have given me some good times but over the years, the good times are less and less and the bad times are much more frequent. I used to think you were my best friend but as time went on, I've realized you are far from being anything close to a friend that anyone would want or deserve. I have lost my license because of you twice. I have spent a handful of days in jail and a handful in the workhouse because of you. I have nearly lost my wife, my kids, the house, my job along with the trust and respect of many, even self repsect at times. If I continue down the path that I was on, I certainly would have lost everything not just because of alcohol alone but the fact that my life would likely end prematurely. Dying does scare me, not because I fear death itself but the fact that my wonderful wife, beutiful kids, my parents, my good friends would have to deal with the loss of someone they love. My wife and kids especially, I want to grow old with the woman of my dreams and to see my kids grow up to be the wonderful, productive, smart, beutiful, responsible adults I imagine they will grow up to be. With alcohol, this would not be possible."
"I would like to thank the staff and the patients at the clinic for opening my eyes to the fact that recovery is not something to be scared of, just something that will require work and deidication."
"Staff: Nurses, Counslers, Dr.s-Thank You! Even though I am an alcoholic, you never made me feel like anything other then a human being that needed a little help which everyone at some point in their lives needs in one way or the other."
"Patients: Thank you for being so kind and welcoming. Thank you for sharing your stories, most of which I can relate to in one way or another if not all together helping me realize that I am not alone in my struggles. I wish all of you nothing but success in your pursuit of sobriety and maybe we'll meet again some day in our new lives. You are all in my prayers as I hope I am in yours."
I left my contact info with most of whom I had connected with and within hours of being released, I recieved a call from one of my favorite friends from the clinic. Just the sweetest, little, older lady you'd ever want to meet, I am truely blessed.
I'm sorry, this has been just such an experience, up and down, I could ramble on for days about it.
I hope this is my rock bottom and that life will continue to get better each day. I think it is and I am ready to kick my demon's arses!
Thanks for reading my story and please, feel free to tell me yours.
Best Regards,
Chris
Here we go:
"Dear alcohol. You have given me some good times but over the years, the good times are less and less and the bad times are much more frequent. I used to think you were my best friend but as time went on, I've realized you are far from being anything close to a friend that anyone would want or deserve. I have lost my license because of you twice. I have spent a handful of days in jail and a handful in the workhouse because of you. I have nearly lost my wife, my kids, the house, my job along with the trust and respect of many, even self repsect at times. If I continue down the path that I was on, I certainly would have lost everything not just because of alcohol alone but the fact that my life would likely end prematurely. Dying does scare me, not because I fear death itself but the fact that my wonderful wife, beutiful kids, my parents, my good friends would have to deal with the loss of someone they love. My wife and kids especially, I want to grow old with the woman of my dreams and to see my kids grow up to be the wonderful, productive, smart, beutiful, responsible adults I imagine they will grow up to be. With alcohol, this would not be possible."
"I would like to thank the staff and the patients at the clinic for opening my eyes to the fact that recovery is not something to be scared of, just something that will require work and deidication."
"Staff: Nurses, Counslers, Dr.s-Thank You! Even though I am an alcoholic, you never made me feel like anything other then a human being that needed a little help which everyone at some point in their lives needs in one way or the other."
"Patients: Thank you for being so kind and welcoming. Thank you for sharing your stories, most of which I can relate to in one way or another if not all together helping me realize that I am not alone in my struggles. I wish all of you nothing but success in your pursuit of sobriety and maybe we'll meet again some day in our new lives. You are all in my prayers as I hope I am in yours."
I left my contact info with most of whom I had connected with and within hours of being released, I recieved a call from one of my favorite friends from the clinic. Just the sweetest, little, older lady you'd ever want to meet, I am truely blessed.
I'm sorry, this has been just such an experience, up and down, I could ramble on for days about it.
I hope this is my rock bottom and that life will continue to get better each day. I think it is and I am ready to kick my demon's arses!
Thanks for reading my story and please, feel free to tell me yours.
Best Regards,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Hey Schwaber, sounds like you are ready, I want you to know that I almost lost my wife too.
I remember saying to her that her threats dont mean anything, that i'd drink weather she left or not, a combnation of her leaving and me realizing my drinking was out of hand made me really dig deep this time.
I was drunk in public lost walking down a road and didnt know what to do, my son in law found me (it could have been the cops, I am gratefull), the next day it seemed as if I didnt learn a thing because I went straight to the store for booze.
That was the last time I lied to my wife, the last time I punched a wall, the last time I yelled with hate, the last time my kids seen me drunk, the last time I ever drank alcohol, that was Feb, 19th 2011.
I have done something that I thought was impossible, but Ive done this for me so I can be the father and husband I need to be...
You can do this too, Thanks for sharing your story,
I remember saying to her that her threats dont mean anything, that i'd drink weather she left or not, a combnation of her leaving and me realizing my drinking was out of hand made me really dig deep this time.
I was drunk in public lost walking down a road and didnt know what to do, my son in law found me (it could have been the cops, I am gratefull), the next day it seemed as if I didnt learn a thing because I went straight to the store for booze.
That was the last time I lied to my wife, the last time I punched a wall, the last time I yelled with hate, the last time my kids seen me drunk, the last time I ever drank alcohol, that was Feb, 19th 2011.
I have done something that I thought was impossible, but Ive done this for me so I can be the father and husband I need to be...
You can do this too, Thanks for sharing your story,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
DEE, thank you. I can't predict the future but I do think this is my turning point, I hope and pray for sure and I am glad to be back. Back here at SR, back to reality, back to being in touch with my feelings even though the feelings are very intense and hard to handle, I would much rather have that then to go back to where i was. In fact, I had cried in the car on the way to work this morning because of a song that was on the radio that reminded me of my wife which then lead me to think about my children, I miss them very much and I can't wait for the day when I can finally see them again and hold them tighter then I've ever held them-sh*t I'm sitting here tearing up at my desk, man have I become such a wuss.
Something Better, thanks for sharing your story. You and I have the same thoughts and goals as I am sure most everyone else on this website does. It is nice to hear that I am not the only one (I know I've said that a million times and it has been said by many others in recovery 10's of millions of more times) but it's true, it helps to hear of the similar stories and gaining the knowledge that other people have battled and overcome their demons, it is definetley helpfull as a confidence booster.
I hope you all have great, sober day as I look forward to mine!
Something Better, thanks for sharing your story. You and I have the same thoughts and goals as I am sure most everyone else on this website does. It is nice to hear that I am not the only one (I know I've said that a million times and it has been said by many others in recovery 10's of millions of more times) but it's true, it helps to hear of the similar stories and gaining the knowledge that other people have battled and overcome their demons, it is definetley helpfull as a confidence booster.
I hope you all have great, sober day as I look forward to mine!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Thanks SS! No doubt minute by minute, today is all that matters right now. You can't change the past and worrying about the future does you no good so what you have left is NOW, make the best of it and if you do, everything else will work out the way it was meant to be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
You are so lucky! And your wife is one smart cookie. I'll tell you why.
First she got herself and your kids in the car and locked the doors. She didn't let you hit her. I might have faced up and challenged that--then it would be over for sure.
She is also smart to consider taking you back since you are really trying. But she's only smart if you don't screw up again--then if she stays or even puts up with a beer on a 90 degree day she's an idiot. You don't drink anymore.
Next, you are lucky to have such great friends. First they welcomed you "on your way home." What a fantastic metaphor. You shattered your home then had to walk fifteen miles to get back. It took, a week? How long? It's quite a journey. The metaphor is beautiful.
But they knew how to get you help.
Then you are lucky to wind up in a facility that could help you. You are lucky you got to write your letter, you are lucky to come back to SR.
I know this isn't easy. I'm a binge drinkin' alkie girl who just parties till she drops. I've only gotten belligerent a couple of times, so sometimes I trick myself into thinking I can still party. But I can't. But your cost-analysis should be stronger than mine.
I adored my children when they were little. Nothing is more wonderful than their laughter. I love to chase them around the house. I loved to create masterful games for them to play. I love it now when they come to be with me and I get to see what lovely adults they are. I love that we held our family together all the way through. I love watching my oldest daughter trust my husband as he swings her three year old boy toward the ceiling with reckless abandon.
And you could lose all that possibility by picking up a single little glass. Stay strong.
First she got herself and your kids in the car and locked the doors. She didn't let you hit her. I might have faced up and challenged that--then it would be over for sure.
She is also smart to consider taking you back since you are really trying. But she's only smart if you don't screw up again--then if she stays or even puts up with a beer on a 90 degree day she's an idiot. You don't drink anymore.
Next, you are lucky to have such great friends. First they welcomed you "on your way home." What a fantastic metaphor. You shattered your home then had to walk fifteen miles to get back. It took, a week? How long? It's quite a journey. The metaphor is beautiful.
But they knew how to get you help.
Then you are lucky to wind up in a facility that could help you. You are lucky you got to write your letter, you are lucky to come back to SR.
I know this isn't easy. I'm a binge drinkin' alkie girl who just parties till she drops. I've only gotten belligerent a couple of times, so sometimes I trick myself into thinking I can still party. But I can't. But your cost-analysis should be stronger than mine.
I adored my children when they were little. Nothing is more wonderful than their laughter. I love to chase them around the house. I loved to create masterful games for them to play. I love it now when they come to be with me and I get to see what lovely adults they are. I love that we held our family together all the way through. I love watching my oldest daughter trust my husband as he swings her three year old boy toward the ceiling with reckless abandon.
And you could lose all that possibility by picking up a single little glass. Stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Missy, thank you.
I agree that she is smart for all of the things you have stated except....if I screw up, I am the one that is lacking the smarts and she and the family will suffer more because of my stupidity.
I agree with you also that I am a very lucky man. Lucky to have the friends and family, lucky to have gotten the help that I have so far, and the list can go on and on but I want you and all of the other SR members to know, I consider myself to be very lucky to be able meet, talk and make friend here at SR. This is my AA support away from my AA meeting support groups and for that I am grateful.
Thanks again.
I agree that she is smart for all of the things you have stated except....if I screw up, I am the one that is lacking the smarts and she and the family will suffer more because of my stupidity.
I agree with you also that I am a very lucky man. Lucky to have the friends and family, lucky to have gotten the help that I have so far, and the list can go on and on but I want you and all of the other SR members to know, I consider myself to be very lucky to be able meet, talk and make friend here at SR. This is my AA support away from my AA meeting support groups and for that I am grateful.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
You're being very brave. You should feel really positive. More positive, perhaps than if you had never faced this awful problem. People who don't have a problem with alcohol do not understand how hard it is to turn your back on a socially acceptable pacifier.
I had said your wife was smart for staying, but not smart if she stayed if you didn't stay on program. That's another recovery program I've been involved in. It is up to a woman who lives at risk of abuse to face it, just like it is up to alcoholics to fix it. So what I meant, and I realized I used the word "idiot" and shouldn't have, is that she should only risk one more chance. If this doesn't do it, she needs to get out.
This comes from a woman who has lived with a verbally very abusive husband for YEARS knowing I should have left. At any moment his fantastic anger could have been the end of me. I knew every time that I let him calm down that I was the fool. Thirty years in we are still together and he hasn't raged in probably a year. So, I took the risk and so far have won, but if he snaps my neck in a fit, it's his fault and my responsibility...and I'm the idiot. BTW, he doesn't rage drunk. Go figure--a non-alcoholic problem.
Just projecting.
On the other hand, we love each other very, very much and our marriage and our life together is terribly dear. And I'll bet you and your wife love each other at that level too--or we wouldn't be having this conversation. And can I also make a little ad: the longer you're together and try to be happy, the happier you will be at the end.
And on yet another hand, do you black out? I'm a blackout drinker and utterly incapable of knowing what I might do. You say you would never hurt your family, but what if you black out? I, for one, don't think banging on the car is the worst thing in the world, but I'm a tough gal. I have put up with a large, very powerful man charging at me screaming to the level of spitting again and again...I don't know where the line is.
I'm proud of you for your courage and for being here. Sorry for projecting my own decisions on to your marital situation.
I had said your wife was smart for staying, but not smart if she stayed if you didn't stay on program. That's another recovery program I've been involved in. It is up to a woman who lives at risk of abuse to face it, just like it is up to alcoholics to fix it. So what I meant, and I realized I used the word "idiot" and shouldn't have, is that she should only risk one more chance. If this doesn't do it, she needs to get out.
This comes from a woman who has lived with a verbally very abusive husband for YEARS knowing I should have left. At any moment his fantastic anger could have been the end of me. I knew every time that I let him calm down that I was the fool. Thirty years in we are still together and he hasn't raged in probably a year. So, I took the risk and so far have won, but if he snaps my neck in a fit, it's his fault and my responsibility...and I'm the idiot. BTW, he doesn't rage drunk. Go figure--a non-alcoholic problem.
Just projecting.
On the other hand, we love each other very, very much and our marriage and our life together is terribly dear. And I'll bet you and your wife love each other at that level too--or we wouldn't be having this conversation. And can I also make a little ad: the longer you're together and try to be happy, the happier you will be at the end.
And on yet another hand, do you black out? I'm a blackout drinker and utterly incapable of knowing what I might do. You say you would never hurt your family, but what if you black out? I, for one, don't think banging on the car is the worst thing in the world, but I'm a tough gal. I have put up with a large, very powerful man charging at me screaming to the level of spitting again and again...I don't know where the line is.
I'm proud of you for your courage and for being here. Sorry for projecting my own decisions on to your marital situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Thanks again Missy and I do feel very positive, more so then I can ever remember. I think this is it, I am ready and more motivated then ever and sick of living the life I have for the years when alcohol is involved. I am tired of being tired, tired of being lazy, tired of being hungover, tired of not being as good of a parent and husband as I could be tired of disapointing all of the people around me and myself, just tired of it all and for what, a buzz or a drunken temporary feeling and ending feeling worse then I did before drinking, it just doesn't make sense. I consider myself a logical thinker, so why do I continue this behavior when there is no logic to it, I am powerless to the power of alcohol.
And I understand what you mean about the situation between the wife and I and her being an "idiot" if I screw up. She's not an idiot and I did not take it as though you meant it in a mean way but it is a descriptive word to sum up the situation if she were to stay with me after me screwing up again. It would be an idiotic move on her part to stick around if there is the potential of something more serious to happen and I can't argue with you there, as sad as it is for me to even think about, about loosing her, you are right.
There is no need to appologize for projecting your decisions or opinions, you seem to be a wise person and besides, isn't that why we are here. To learn from other people's mistakes, their accomplishments, and opinions to help each other gain knowledge so we can make the best decisions for our selves? That is certainly one way I look at it. Even if we disagree (which I don't, you make sense to me), it's good to have an open mind and to see it from different perspectives.
And yes, I have blacked out on many occasions and your point is well taken.
I wish you well in all aspects of life and thanks for your thoughts/words.
And I understand what you mean about the situation between the wife and I and her being an "idiot" if I screw up. She's not an idiot and I did not take it as though you meant it in a mean way but it is a descriptive word to sum up the situation if she were to stay with me after me screwing up again. It would be an idiotic move on her part to stick around if there is the potential of something more serious to happen and I can't argue with you there, as sad as it is for me to even think about, about loosing her, you are right.
There is no need to appologize for projecting your decisions or opinions, you seem to be a wise person and besides, isn't that why we are here. To learn from other people's mistakes, their accomplishments, and opinions to help each other gain knowledge so we can make the best decisions for our selves? That is certainly one way I look at it. Even if we disagree (which I don't, you make sense to me), it's good to have an open mind and to see it from different perspectives.
And yes, I have blacked out on many occasions and your point is well taken.
I wish you well in all aspects of life and thanks for your thoughts/words.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Emerald, yes I still have my job. I came clean with my boss, I told him everything. We are not very close like friends but I think we know each other as good, hard working people. I felt that I needed to be completely honest with him, with everyone, no more hiding who I am or what I've done. If I'm so ashamed of what I've done, then why would I do it, I think that's the way I need to view things. Before doing something stupid, I need to take a step back and ask myself, is this something I'll regret later, want to hide from my boss, friends, parents, wife and kids? If there is any question in my mind, then chances are, it's probably something I shouldn't do. Dinking though is something I know I can't do, ever.
Back to my job though, he commented that he never suspected that I was that big of a drinker, that it's never affected my job performence. I had to correct him there though, it has affected everything including my job-missing a day here or there because I had a few too many the night before, my focus is affected, anxiety, depression, etc... I know I can do much better then I do (did because I already feel 10 ties better, some of it is just being sober but I also think it's because I've finally accepted who I am, am alcoholic. I guess I must be good at hiding it and lying. No more, I can't do it no more.
It was nice to hear that the respect is still there and he stated that "he needs me there, that I am a critical part of the team" and that he was willing to work with me if needed like changing work schedules, taking vacation for court or PO visits. So I am very lucky in that way, in a lot of ways I know but carreer wise, it's not over or severely damaged and that I have support from within the company.
Back to my job though, he commented that he never suspected that I was that big of a drinker, that it's never affected my job performence. I had to correct him there though, it has affected everything including my job-missing a day here or there because I had a few too many the night before, my focus is affected, anxiety, depression, etc... I know I can do much better then I do (did because I already feel 10 ties better, some of it is just being sober but I also think it's because I've finally accepted who I am, am alcoholic. I guess I must be good at hiding it and lying. No more, I can't do it no more.
It was nice to hear that the respect is still there and he stated that "he needs me there, that I am a critical part of the team" and that he was willing to work with me if needed like changing work schedules, taking vacation for court or PO visits. So I am very lucky in that way, in a lot of ways I know but carreer wise, it's not over or severely damaged and that I have support from within the company.
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