Smudg3r

I can't believe it.

Fell of my wagon last night. Over four months in and then I hypnotically walked into a shop and...

Hence the title of this thread.

Damn!

Soberpotamus

Oh no, Smudg3r. So what thoughts lead up to it? Do you remember what was going through your mind? Any particular stressors leading up?

Bikeguy

Sorry to hear that, but you know what to do. Get back at it.

Smudg3r

Thanks.
No, I have no excuses. It was some form of mental aberration.

I could almost 'see myself' doing it but I had no power to stop myself. Almost like what I'd imagine an out of body experience to be like. I was sort of numb.

Then I found myself drinking and enjoying it, apparently without guilt.

You all know what I am feeling today. My resistance is very low now.

Soberpotamus

Well... to examine your thoughts leading up to your choice to use... I wouldn't call them excuses at all. I think being a detective and trying to get inside your head... to find out a reason or trigger or thought that lead up to you going inside there, that's constructive. I don't see it as making an excuse at all. It's more like being an objective scientist. It can only be a good thing to try and figure out what lead up to it, no?

So sorry you fell off your wagon, and don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure you're experiencing enough guilt just from the hangover and physiological aspect alone. Good for you for posting about it!

Murray4x5

Sounds like you were "running on instinct" and the thinking portion of your brain was being controlled by your limbic system and brain stem.

Once a person knows that's the reason though, its sort of like pulling the curtain aside and revealing the true Wizard of Oz. Once a person realizes where, how and why urges happen, the urges lose their mysterious urgency and become easier to control. At least, that's the way it was for me...

Smudg3r

Just reporting in to say that I did, in fact, get back on my wagon.

Phew, it was pretty scary there for a while... Just a hiccough I guess.

I am curious though. Has anyone else had this sort of 'incident'?

Sober and happy for months, then for no apparent reason, start to drink without (as far as I can see) any trigger whatsoever.

susanlauren

Peculiar mental twist and mental blank spot is what the situation you are describing is called in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. At certain times the alcoholic has no effective mental defense against the first drink. We lose power, choice and control over our drinking. We swear off and end up going back to it (i.e., picking up that first drink) because we have lost the power of choice. Powerlessness is not just after we take a drink, it is before as well. If you are interested, there is a solution and there is one who has all power. Susan

Dee74

good to see you back Smudg3r.

Back in my drinking days, I've bought booze on 'auto pilot' before.

I needed no reason to drink, really.

D

nm1212

Hey, well now you're part of the July Class of 2011.

betterlate

You describe one aspect I really started to hate about drinking. I would just absent-mindedly find myself at the liquor store again, a place that I had grown to dislike intensely. Don't miss that place a bit. Thanks for the reminder. Also, congrats on making it over four months, excellent work!

coming_clean

get back on the wagon!

hopeful8523

Keep posting !

Murray4x5

Powerlessness is also not knowing the physiological explanation for what happened, so it appears as a mystery and may appear again in the future if you are unprepared.

I synthesized all the scientific articles I read into one simple concept; my brain stem and limbic system had grown many extra dopamine receptors to revel in all the alcohol I was pouring into my body. Take the alcohol away, and those now unused receptors are going to try every trick in their evolutionary bag of tricks to get me to drink alcohol again. Its a matter of survival for them.

All I have to do is recognize when they start an urge or try to put me on auto-pilot, if I can ride it out without drinking booze the next urge will be less intense and the urges will be spread further apart. In time most of the extra receptors will dry up and disappear, but they will always, forever, be ready to start again because my brain is hardwired to love alcohol more than my wellbeing or even my survival.

I learned to recognize the signs and altered my behaviour in positive ways to override those feelings, which did lessen over time.

Soberpotamus

Excellent wording of this, Murray! Yay... someone else who thinks like I do about alcoholism. I've been reading the very same about the dopamine receptors, A1 alleles, etc. Glad to know someone else on here knows this... I'm going to PM you about your books/articles list. I'd like to read more...

Zebra1275

The Big Book says that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I've also found it to be patient, lying in wait sometimes for months or years.

soberviking

Oh yeah, 2 years back I had 4 months clean and fell right off the wagon. I can remember things were going good but in one week it became a mental obsession and I allowed it to snowball out of control and found myself in no time flat at the liquor store. Then after one night I got cleaned up for another 4 months and the exact same pattern happened again and fell right off the wagon. Spent the next 2 years being a miserable drunk occasionally getting a week or two sober here and there, a month on one occasion. And finally right to where I'm at right now.

So yeah you're not the first one to have that happen. Don't be like me and be a stuborn and slow learner. Pick your self up and get right back on.

Smudg3r

Hey thanks guys - amazing support.
It's good to get different takes on any situation.

I'm beginning to wonder if I did know what I was doing - but that maybe I blanked it out mentally.

Kind of like a mental pressure cooker venting off steam....?

I don't know, but if it's only the one night - I guess I can live with it.

Taking5

I had 28 months and went back out for 4 straight days. Nuts.

ajangel

I had 10 years in. And here we go again.