CeeFarro

Hello Everyone,
I am on day 22 and need to check in. I haven't really posted in a couple
weeks.

I am now back at home after returning from a trip to Oregon, where I decided to get sober.

Now, I knew that all of my problems were not going to go away because I quit
drinking..But I'm kind of realizing that I have been in a complete fog..another
universe even.

I know that I have caused damage in my relationships with others and am willing to cop to it and do what I can to change things..Me not drinking is the
most important thing right now in making that happen.

I'm realizing that some people don't want you to change..I'm guessing that considering I've been getting black-out wasted for years and years now, that
those closest to me have gotten used to that..

My fiance used to get furious about my drinking..it would even get physical sometimes..I thought he would be happy that I stopped but I'm not getting much support..He doesnt want me on SR, he doesn't want me going to meetings or reading the big book..

I quit drinking for myself..I can feel that in my gut..And I finally feel some hope..If not drinking is all I have today that is fine with me.

I don't have any friends here in Utah and feel pretty lonely..And I'm realizing that my relationship is pretty screwed up..

I 'm feeling trapped

Missy7

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I remember you were concerned about what would happen when you got home. But if you made this realization about yourself when you were out of town, it must be important for you to have time to reflect and take care of yourself. So keep working in yourself and maybe others around you will come around. If not, then you might need to reevaluate.

wellwisher

I know what you are saying, Cee...

I found early on when I started my sobriety that I met a lot of resistance from others, as well.

I think it has to do with that nature of relationships - we get something from the people we associate with, and vice versa.

I had two people in my life that I think suffered the "Florence Nightingale" syndrome (if there is such a thing). They made themselves feel better by "curing" me, and when I found a solution to my alcoholism through therapy and AA, they kind of disappeared. I actually know it to be true that one of them credits themself for my recovery - even though she was not an alcoholic or problem drinker herself. She did not believe in AA at all; actually, she attached a lot of stigma to it.

The "barfly" buddies I had tried to suck me back in; I had to let them go.

I ended up friendless for a while, but I wasn't alone. I had support in the AA program that I was in. AA was a lifeboat I had to climb into, but I didn't turn it into a houseboat. Today I have many friends that are sober through recovery and many that don't know a thing about addiction because they never experienced it for themselves or in their families. I walk confidently on both sides of the "street".

You need to do what's right for you. A healthy relationship is a two-way street that respects each person's desires. It is possible to be in a relationship that has a healthy respect for one's individual right to choose what they want in their life.

Above all, you know and I know, that picking up again is not the solution. Let the blinders fall off and see what you need to see to recover!

CeeFarro

Thank you both Missy and Wellwisher...I have isolated myself for so many years and my current relationships reflect that..

I used to be carefree, confident, happy, fun and a risk taker..My drinking took all of that away..I also got in the habit of blaming everyone and everything for my problems..

My relationship is to say the least "messed up"..We met in the height of my sickness..We have a pretty sick pattern..But I don't want to play anymore..

I need support and friends..I am extremly lonely..But I have options

I am realizing a lot of things all at once and it feels a bit over-welming...I was looking at a picture of myself as a child yesterday..trying to connect that that is me..That I am still her..and it made me sob..

I have not gone this long without a drink in I don't know how long..Like I said..It's a bit over welming

Missy7

Don't try to do too much at one time. Take it easy and let things take care of themselves. You cannot go back to you old patterns--it will just mean starting over later.

Were you in Oregon visiting family?

MycoolFitz

Its a bitch for sure. Alcoholic fog is like wandering around in a cow pasture blindfolded. Beggining sobriety is like removing the blindfold and being surprised to find yourself in the middle of piles of cow crap. My wife and I argued forever about my drinking and when I quit she didn't like nor support the sober me. Go figure? You do what you've got to do for you because you've got to do it even if you have to step through cow crap to get out of the pasture.

CeeFarro

I was visiting family..I'm from Oregon..

I moved to Utah over a year ago for my relationship..He's from here, and a professional
bull-rider(what was I thinking?)

wellwisher

Lucky you! Your have friends and support right here on SR!

Feel free to PM me any time you like!

The best journeys always start with a single step.

raindancer11

I'm overwhelmed too. It's Day 21 for me. I'm finding many areas of my life that need to be overhauled. I know I can't make it all happen right now and that's frustrating. At the same time, I'm finding that what I thought was so wrong, bad, distressing while I was drinking is actually not that way at all. It makes me question what really needs to be fixed. I think that confidence returns you work through these enormously difficult challenges. Taking action has been good for me. When I get really overwhelming, I slow way down and do one small thing at a time. Makes all the difference.

MycoolFitz

Oh I guess my cow pasture analogy fit after all.

wellwisher

Excellent strategy, raindancer! So much better to take one step at a time and one day at a time than to use the scorch and burn tactic.

My sponsor wisely told me not to make any major changes during the first year of my sobriety; I'm glad I listened.

What needs to be addressed at the time will reveal itself, but it always starts with stopping the insanity by stopping the doc abuse.

Then we can begin to see clearly.

Missy7

A bull rider. Sounds tricky. I imagine he travels all the time and is likely to encounter buddies who are drinking. His sense of your problem might be very different from yours. How many weeks a year are you actually together?

What do you do?

CeeFarro

He is gone a lot..and then home for long stretches too..

I was a retail buyer in Oregon for 12 years..I have been at home since I moved to Utah over a year ago..It was nice at first but it is getting old!

I only work about once a month for an auction company now..