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Glad to find this site, need serious help!

Old 07-11-2011, 12:45 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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psilyguy,

Here's something to keep in mind as a sobering thought (pun intended ) What gets you sober won't KEEP you sober. Alcohol has been ingrained in your DNA over the years from the sounds of it. It's become as much a part of you as breathing. Your story reminds me of mine, right down to the club life (you a DJ, me a musician)

Making the decision to finally be done with that poisonous crap is a wonderful and exhilarating experience, but the liberated feelings will eventually dissipate and can leave you powerless to combat cravings and the calling to drink again - without a program of recovery to help you do battle. At least that is my experience.

You should spend these next few righteous and sober days finding a program that suits your disposition and then commit to the work required from that program - with the attitude "whatever it takes". For me, after years of everything but AA I found the 12 steps and the fellowship worked when nothing else did. And by everything I mean literally everything. CBT, RR, SMART, psychiatry, medications, none of it worked - but it may be different for you. Having said that, it's the Big Book of AA and the program which has become the largest contributor to the most sober time I've ever experienced in my adult life. I recommend giving it an honest try.

Point is, get to AA, or anything else that fits (if AA is a sore spot with you). Not drinking is not simply based on a decision to make it so - at least not for us alkies. You have to "learn" how to live without it. You have to recondition your life and reconfigure those synapses that are now hard wired in your brain to make you feel sheer panic every time you deny yourself a drink. The folks in these various programs can help you with that. This website can also help you with that.

BTW, I can also relate to the Ambien experiences you've had. I was whacked out on a combination of Ambien and Xanax for 2 years, while drinking my face off. I've done some of the most tragic, embarrassing and dangerous things in my life while whacked out on benzos and booze. In the end it went very, very bad for me - to include seizures, head wounds, psych evaluations, and a 5 month protracted withdrawal that was like hell on earth. You are so right, if anyone is abusing those benzo class drugs, get to a doctor and wean off them NOW.

I'm certainly pulling for you bro. In the words of my late, great Grandad, "Get 'er done!"
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:57 AM
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BTW psilyguy, let me add that, for me, sleeping was a big reason that added to my drinking. Here's the kicker, if you can't sleep without it, DON'T SLEEP. Full stop. Eventually your body will get what it needs, in the meantime just put up with it if you have to. Relax if you can, be frustrated if you must, but stop allowing sleep requirements to be an excuse for drinking or taking meds. There are things in the alcoholics life more important then proper rest, even with work and responsibilities looming. (Not drinking comes to mind. )

Took around 8 days for me to get a good nights sleep from my last binge and resulting alcohol withdrawal, much longer when I finally stopped the benzos. It was frustrating as he!! to put up with, but it was also temporary. Eventually I did get a good night's rest, and it was the best I've had in decades.
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:41 AM
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[QUOTE=psilyguy;3030514]Earlier I saw someone post the link for Rain In My Heart... OMG I was completely dumfounded by what I saw

I urge any recovering alcoholic or person who is having second thoughts abour recovery to view these clips. They can be found on youtube.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:00 PM
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binderdonedat, thanks for all that info. I don't this is going to be as bad as times before. The wakeup call I had was being in jail for 10 days. I was drunk 2 full weeks before my court date, infact when we left the house I was still a .08 at 9am. They cuffed me out right there and all that I was thinking was 'Can I check in to jail tomorrow, so can go home and get smashed first'?!?!

The first 3 days in jail were awful going through the withdrawals. However thanks to my wife she had flushed my pills 3 months prior. Had I been withdrawing from everything I could have easily died. I saw one other guy in there, he was in withdrawal from -insert random drug here- and we all thought he was going to die. Stuck in a 8x10 cement room, wouldnt sit still for a second for the 4 days I saw him, he looked dead and I recall looking like that when I came off the Ambien, as I lost 15 pounds in just 3 days.

Jail was a huge wakeup call for me, and a detox at the same time. Is a beer worth 30 days there? Hell no, but our minds want to trick us like they always have.

This time being sober is different. I already feel like this Forum is like a virtual AA. I do enjoy AA but I hate the 'one person' that rambles half of the class.

After talking to my wife, she clearly laid out for me that I 'know too much' to go back, and instead use my knowledge to help others. Maybe one day I will save someones life.

She told me about a spiritual concept:
All we are here to do is shine Our Light, just like the man in the Lighthouse shines his to save the ships from the dark dangers around. He gets no thanks for what he does, he just feels good about the help he can provide.

Like I said she should have been gone long ago but she has stood by me at my worst.
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:53 PM
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some great advice here psilyguy
You'll find a lot of advice here and support - change is possible

good to have you with us
Welcome!

D
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Old 07-11-2011, 05:21 PM
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The sleeping problem is a familiar one whenever anyone tries to do without alcohol or pills. It can be very uncomfortable at first. I recall once when I did not sleep at all for at least 48 hours and perhaps longer than that. Then, suddenly, it was as if I was over the sleeplessness hurdle and I started to sleep very soundly, waking up feeling better than I had felt for a long time. This can happen to you if you give up booze. But it may take a lot of courage and guts and sometimes people can't do it unless they are in some kind of restricted environment. Once a person has started to sleep, this tends to be a very dangerous time, since, feeling so much better, one may have a tendency to relapse, thinking, "I'm going to be O.K. now. I can handle just one beer. I'm completely in control." Sometimes this is called the "flight into recovery" and it can easily end in a crash.
You can stop drinking or you can continue on a downward path. It's progressive and it can get far worse. The choice is up to you.

W.
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by psilyguy View Post
I just chugged my last beer, I hope to GOD it is my last one, but I've said this a hundred times before. Now I'm staring at my life being completely turned UPSIDE DOWN and losing everything I've got.

On my 12th year of marriage and how my wife is still with me I have no idea. The first few years were fine, I was a casual drinker. Yes I was able to let loose but maybe only a few times a month. Then we moved back down to the city, 'my old stomping grounds' as she calls it, and I began hanging out at bars all the time with my friends. After our first child was born she started hanging at the bars with me.. I eventually became a DJ at local clubs and would get SHTfaced drunk everytime, and she was there to drive me home, she had fun but after a while it got a bit old. Because of my DJ experience I was able to start a website and it took off, but it also enabled me to drink anytime I wanted since we both stayed at home 24/7. 4 years ago I found myself in a vicious cycle of drinking 12-18 beers a day and occasional whiskey , it started spiraling into morning drinking, you get the picture. 2 years ago after a 3 day binge in Vegas I was admitted to the hospital for Pancreatitus... my solution, once I recovered and wanted to drink again (only sober for 2 weeks) was that I would rule out hard liquor and stick with beer. Started out slow and then got out of hand again, I was also mixing my beer with anti-anxiety medication and found I had developed a big sleep problem... unless I was smashed I could not get more than a few hours of sleep a night.

Anyway I was going through a 30 pack a day and finally got it handed to me with a DUI. I blew a .24 and I seriously thought I was sober. So after shelling out thousands and thousands of dollars for the case, lost time with my business, you name it... oh yeah and I lost my Drivers License for 2 years. Can't take my kids to school in the morning, can't do a goddamn thing but sit at my house on my computer. I even have a $80,000 boat I cant use because my wife does not want to tow it to the lake 6 hours away... I dont blame her. So after 8 months of court stuff I was handed 10 days in jail. Now these 8 months have been the most sober I've been in a long time since I had to be randomly tested via ETG but the stress was adding up and I was getting tired of it all. 3 weeks ago I was sentenced to 1 year of Probation and after the Officer told me he can come to my house and search anytime he wants I hit a breaking point and now I've found myself secretly drinking around my back yard, hiding beer cans everywhere, even though I know when they show up they have breathalyzers... but I just dont get it, I drink a beer and say, THATS IT, NO MORE! Then talk my wife into grabbing another 18 pack late at night because I know if the Officer shows up it will be between 10am-10pm.. or so Ive been told. Without alcohol in me I sleep no more than 2-3 hours a night, that is a major anxiety for me to drink drink drink, constantly checking my breathalyzer to see where Im at, in fact I know if I get to a 0.10 by 1am I will be back to a 0.0 by 10am. She likes to have a few beers too but thats it.

Now that I'm done and the beer seems to be losing it's buzz I feel like an idiot writing this. For the record Ive attended AA, group therapy counseling, anger management, I feel like there is no hope and I'm just going to end up back in jail and my wife will tell me on the phone that she's packin' up.
I can relate to you in many ways. Especially with the sleep thing. I'm not married, but I don't know if that is better or worse. I've always felt like my support group was limited, and alcohol had become my best friend or what I turned to, but then again, to have a wife that enables can't be good either. And of course I don't have to worry about being left.

Another tough thing is just having lived a life for SO long that alcohol was such a big part of. It's just hard to figure out what to do with the time. And I think IT IS WORSE if you can't drive and are stuck at home because I think activities out and about would make it easier to not drink.

Obviously there are many here who have been here for a long time who have been able to stop and are successful, but this being my first post and visit to the boards, I could just totally relate....so know you are not alone in wanting to stop but almost not trusting yourself (or at least the way that is how I sometimes feel).
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:38 PM
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Welcome Graham, you came to the right place.
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:44 PM
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psily,
On the sleep problems. I believe I would be on my last legs before death now, had I not quit 9 months ago. It felt like it then. I still have some sleep issues, I sleep four hours then wake for two then go back. Sometimes I can't sleep but most times I get all I need and feel pretty good all the time.

Here's my point for you, and my attitude when MY sleep was really hard to get. Life is short followed by the long sleep, the dirt nap, and I believe I can catch up then. If I drink now, to sleep, instead of decades I get the long one sooner. Much sooner.

I believe now I can worry about my catching up later. Much later.
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Itchy View Post
psily,
On the sleep problems. I believe I would be on my last legs before death now, had I not quit 9 months ago. It felt like it then. I still have some sleep issues, I sleep four hours then wake for two then go back. Sometimes I can't sleep but most times I get all I need and feel pretty good all the time.

Here's my point for you, and my attitude when MY sleep was really hard to get. Life is short followed by the long sleep, the dirt nap, and I believe I can catch up then. If I drink now, to sleep, instead of decades I get the long one sooner. Much sooner.

I believe now I can worry about my catching up later. Much later.
In other words, as some say, "you can sleep when you're dead"?
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:05 PM
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Welcome Pshilyguy. Don't miss one more day in your child's life! You can quit now or later so why not stop now? Go see a doctor who can help with the sleep if that's your only issue. Sr is also a life saver. Someone will always be here when you need them Take Care.
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:08 PM
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No Graham but sleeping well with alcohol sooner than later you could end up sleeping with the fishes. The sleep issues go away after a time some in a week or two, others take longer like me. For me it is worth every minute of missed sleep. Every minute. Feeling a bit tired but good beats feeling beat up, swollen, hungover, nauseus, eyes full of sand.

Another here said it better than me. It is great to wake up every morning, instead of coming to.
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Old 07-12-2011, 05:51 PM
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Yes, as Itchy said, the thing to avoid is the long sleep. Actually they made a movie many years ago entitled "The Big Sleep". It's better to tough it through the insomnia barrier and as the days and nights pass on it gets better and better. Indeed, you'll probably find yourself having a more restful and sound sleep than you've had in years, like your body is finally catching up on getting healthy sleep instead of drugged sleep. They call the healthy variety REM sleep.
Booze may seem like it works to bring on sleep but actually it backfires since it tends to wake you up prematurely and then the temptation is to take more booze to get back to sleep, setting up a very dangerous downward spiral of dependency. And the booze is a depressant.
So I hope you can tough it out and break through the insomnia barrier.

W.
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