hbsmummy

Hi everyone. My story is a little long, so I hope at least some of you stick around...

OK, I am 34 years old. I grew up in a strict no-alcohol household. When I turned 18, I went to the local pub and got blind drunk on Friday nights with my friends, lying to my parents. I went to university at 19 - big city, away from the folks, and freedom. I drank a lot through university, but don't think it was every day. Then when I was about 23 I got a great job overseas. I was making lots of money, living the ex-pat life, and I was pretty much drunk for 4 years. I lived alone, had no TV because I couldn't undertand the language at that time, and just drank at home while reading when I wasn't out with colleagues. I have always always been extremely physically fit and always eaten healthily. However, when I was overseas, towards the end, I was starting to skip workouts after work so I could drink. I went back to Australia when I was around 26 or 27 and drank heavily for 2 more years. To this day I have never missed a day of work from drinking even with vile hangovers. I did get drunk at 2 or 3 work functions and do stupid things that I had to apologise to my boss for. I managed to work full-time, complete a Master's degree but i played hard. I went BACK overseas when I was 29. My boyfriend (now husband) was from that country. I realised I could drink less amounts and feel horrible in the morning, so I cut back a bit. Still drank fairly frequently. The frequency and amount continued to drop gradually over the next 2 years, then I fell pregnant when I was 32. I stopped drinking completely, it was easy because I am against drinking while pregnant (for me), and I had no evident withdrawal effects. I drank tiny amounts while nursing after my son was born, but not during hours when he would nurse - maybe one or two drinks once a week. 18 months have passed since he was born, and my drinking is getting more frequent. I never get drunk like I used to and don't think I've been 'drunk' in about 2 1/2 years, but definitely tipsy. I am doing a PhD, working, raising a child, and all I want to do in the evening after all this is have a drink or two. However, a couple of times a week I have 3 or 4. I have found alcohol has a really detrimental effect on my sleeping and general wellbeing as I get older, even small amounts. So, after having 4 glasses of wine 2 nights ago, I stopped. I just looove the taste and the buzz from that first one. But I always feel really regretful in the mornings. However, I find that these days, if my day hasn't been too hectic, I can generally not drink or stop at one IF I put my mind to it.
I have had health anxiety all my life, and am obsessed about eating healthily and doing exercise, which is ironic considering the abuse I put my body through with alcohol. I had a health check-up recently and I am apparently very healthy. I did have a little blood in my urine but my doctor isn't concerned about that at all. I still get anxious about the harm my former almost-daily binge drinking could have done. I also struggle with a lot of shame in regard to things I did while drunk when younger.
I wonder if I am 'qualified' to be here. I couldn't think of a better word - I mean there are amazing people here who have overcome addictions far worse than mine. I sometimes think I'm stressing too much and overestimating how much I drank in my mind, and at other times I think I am underestimating how bad my drinking is/was - how sad that I don't even know which it is.
My husband likes a drink now and then, but he has absolutely no problem stopping at one, and he doesn't drink a great deal. I still want to enjoy a beer on the veranda with him, only I don't want to then go and pour myself a glass of wine while I prepare dinner. As I said, I can do this sometimes.
A funny thing is, I love the taste of non-alcohol beer I can get here - and it is actually zero alcohol! I had one the other day, and STILL felt like another after it! Weird! Psychological or habit maybe? I didn't have another and it was much easier to resist than if it had been actual alcohol.
We are planning to go on a short family holiday in 2 weeks - I really want to have a cocktail by the pool. So, I am determined not to have any alcohol until then. Who knows what will happen after that? If I can control myself until then and limit the drink to one or to, maybe I will set another goal....
This is why I am wondering if it is OK to be here. I think I may still drink occassionally, but my mission is to control it. Is this site only for people who are completely sober? I may even consider a commitment like that if it turns out I can't cut down drastically.

Thank you for your time.

HBSM

Hevyn

hbsmummy - Pleased to meet you, & glad you found SR. Wiser people than me will be along later, I'm sure.

It's never wrong to reach out for help or suggestions. I wish I had questioned my drinking in my 30's. I saw the warning signs of alcoholism from my very first binge, but kept going anyway until my life was almost destroyed. I'm sure you've heard the expression "alcoholism is a progressive disease". IF you are an alcoholic you will be unable to go through life just having one or two now and then.

Nice to see you here, regardless of what you decide. We have some wonderful Aussie members - one, who set me straight when I first joined here & helped save my life.

coming_clean

welcome...

if you feel the need to be here,

they you are in the right place

Zebra1275

Welcome. I think you should stick around here for awhile.

BackToSquareOne

Welcome! Sounds like you have a very interesting life. Just don't get to love the buzz too much!

hbsmummy

Thanks everyone. As a previous poster mentioned, if I cannot control my drinking, I will not be able to drink AT ALL. This is my first concious, determined effort to control it, and if I can't, I will try to quit completely. Do any of you look back on the past and just think, "WHY?" I mean, I'm pretty well educated, and I should know better, but goodness I've done/do some STUPID things!

BackToSquareOne

hbsmummy, my uncle was a Doctor and he drank himself to death. This was years ago but he should have known better.

hbsmummy

It's incredibly powerful, isn't it?

BackToSquareOne

It's an easy line to cross, my uncle was retired at the time but he was only 62, but as a Doctor you would have thought he would have known better.

ETA

I think the above is the most important thing I learned here. You'll often hear folks on this board say something along the lines of "an alcoholic can never control their drinking, a non-alcoholic doesn't even have to try."

I realized that I had to control my drinking years ago - I would say 13 years ago? I tried and tried with some success and some failure. The failures just got worse and worse until I realized - after almost losing the love of my life - that, for me, trying to control it is wishful thinking.

It's great for you to be here now. I'm very grateful that I didn't hit ROCK BOTTOM before I quit for good. There's a lot of experience and great advice here.

EmeraldRose

If you feel you have a problem with alcohol then this is the best place to be. Stay and read and learn.
Alcoholism is an unbiased disease and regardless of education, race, religion...it creeps on us and *wham* you don't know what hit you.
Cutting down and controling it never worked for me...I had to quit all together. Hopefully, you can make the best choice for you.
Wishing you peace and strength.

FT

Hi hbs --

I had a pattern very similar to yours with the early binges and heavy drinking, followed by moderate drinking for years. But drinking is insidious, and mine turned into daily drinking by my 40's. The thing is, it is easy to stop drinking now. But it won't be such later on. After you realize you have a problem, you can search back in your memory for the point the line was crossed. Once it is crossed, it is so much harder to go back. At the end, it took me several years of "false starts" before I finally quit for good.

You might want to stop before your drinking does become a problem you can't so easily shed.

Few people wake up in the morning wishing they had had a drink last night. The fact that you are romanticizing the drink in your head so much MAY be a warning sign.

FT

Zebra1275

I'm pretty well educated, and I should know better, but goodness I've done/do some STUPID things!

Education has nothing to do with it. In fact I think advanced education can be a barrier to seeking help, the more education you get the smarter you think you are. Alcohol doesn't give a rip what your education or any other demographic variable is.

micealc

Hi hbs mummy,Welcome to Recovery...............yes I think you need to be here.
I believe you have all the Symptoms of an ACA= Adult Child of Alcoholics.
I dont think you are an Alcoholic............Yet,but that could come.
I know of Many ACAs that came from a Family of Non Drinkers.
The Disease or Dysfunction came to there Parents from A Generation back.......or Mabie More.
The disease is Cunning, Powerful, and Baffling,it made me obsessive in so many ways
In my case it told me that there is something wrong with Me,......I am defective.
The funny thing is ,there is nothing wrong with us ACAs but we just dont believe it.

Have a Look at the Character traits of ACAs.
I wish you the Best whatever your Decision.


The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

FT

Actually, I find myself in disagreement with this, and profoundly so.

For me and most of my educated friends it seems, the more education you get, the more you realize HOW MUCH YOU DO NOT KNOW. So, it is just the opposite of what you think occurs that actually does occur in this regard.

In fact, uneducated people tend to feel far more knowledgeable than they actually are, which is probably why they believe "journalists" such as Fox news.

However, it is true that alcohol and drugs are not prejudiced by your age, education, or any other variable, for the most part.

Latte

We all belong. LOL

I don't think their is a debate at all here. If you want help, you are in the right place.

Eddiebuckle

HBSM,

Welcome, regardless what your situation may be. There was a time that your story was like mine. The one thing that jumped out at me was your statement:

I find that these days, if my day hasn't been too hectic, I can generally not drink or stop at one

That's one common thread for most alcoholics stories that I have heard - it's a coping mechanism. We drank to escape, the avoid, to change our reality. Caveat...

FT

Thank you Latte and Eddiebuckle for bringing this thread back to the needs of the OP.

Yes, this is the right place to be.

FT

Zebra1275

Actually, I find myself in disagreement with this, and profoundly so.

For me and most of my educated friends it seems, the more education you get, the more you realize HOW MUCH YOU DO NOT KNOW. So, it is just the opposite of what you think occurs that actually does occur in this regard.

I can agree with the statement that well educated people, who possess a degree of humility, understand how much they don't know.

Glen Frey put it succinctly in an Eagles song, "the more I know, the less I understand, all the things I thought I knew before, I have to learn again."

Actually, a more significant variable than education may be humility.

Boleo

Those of us who have the ISM part of alcohol-ISM eventually learn:

Alcohol-ISM makes no sense. Respects no logic or reason. Eats synthetic knowledge for breakfast.