eaglette

I'd like to start over because, sobriety-wise, I do have to start over. I am really wavering in my commitment to this. I went into this weekend intending to talk to ABF about my boundaries. I wrote out a letter beforehand (which I ended up giving to him before I left yesterday evening but told him that I would have to modify it somewhat), explaining that I am leaving my own addiction (to marijuana) behind, and I can't have people in my life who will interfere with that. I don't like NA that much, but if going there keeps me sober I'll keep doing it, and to Nar-Anon and Al-Anon and all the Anons it takes for me to leave my addiction and his behind. I have not gone in a few weeks, and I am starting to forget why I decided to do this in the first place. I do think I could smoke or drink in moderation, especially drinking. I think more about getting drunk or high when I am forcing myself to be sober than any other time. BF and his excessively influential cousin, who he is now best friends with, have both given up their DOC but still drink and smoke and are very condescending toward NA, especially when concerning me because I am 'only' quitting marijuana. BF referred to me as being 'brainwashed' when I talked to him about my boundaries, and told me I needed to accept him for who he is. The thing is, NA does make me feel brainwashed sometimes. I hate hearing myself parrot slogans from the books we read in meetings. Actually, I can't wait until the new book comes out because it seems a lot more up my alley. I never liked church, and NA feels a lot the same. NA isn't my higher power. My mind is all jumbled and messed up. I am changing a lot and it is really messing up my life and my mind. I started to focus on BF's growth for a while, and now my garden is half-dead, mirroring my own lapse right back at me. When I smoked, nothing happened. I just got high. When I drank, nothing happened. I just felt a little warmer than usual by the fire. It felt extremely harmless. I don't know why I am even here, but I hate all this confusion. I don't care about the days which pass, but I am angry at myself for being back at day 1. I want to make a change, but it is messing up all of my friendships and relationships. I am not one of those people who can just accept that as part of it. I don't want new friends. I love my friends and BF, and they're not just people who can be replaced with new, shiny, sober ones.

I am sorry to go on like this, but I am really upset right now and not sure what the hell I am doing.

PaperDolls

I can relate to all the confusion.

I wonder though .... if "nothing happens" when you smoke or drink then maybe you're not an addict/alkie? Why quit if it's not causing problems in your life?

eaglette

I did smoke weed for 6 years every day and had trouble moderating before. It definitely was a factor in a lot of poor decisions that I made. I really don't know if I'm an addict, but I definitely used to be a pothead. which is why I quit before. I don't know if I could moderate now or not, but I think I could do it successfully. I do think sometimes that quitting is causing more problems than it is resolving, and I'm sure there are a lot of people who quit smoking weed on a daily basis and are able to still do it from time to time. I am also positive that there are people who quit smoking weed who do enjoy a beer or glass of wine from time to time and not exhibit alcoholic tendencies.

smacked

I guess I'm confused too..

Why are you wanting to pursue recovery?

As for your BF's comment about having to accept him as he is, that's garbage.. you are in total control over who you will or will not have in your life, and what behaviors you'll accept. You can choose to not be in contact with him if his lifestyle and choices aren't aligned with what you have designed as boundaries. That's not to say that you can ask him or expect him to change, but it's always your choice as to who you allow in your life.

smacked

woops we posted at the same time.

PaperDolls

My opinion is that if smoking weed is causing problems, then quit. If you can't quit, you've got a problem and need a program of some sort.

As far as what your BF and friends think ... I assume they're pot smokers/drinkers? Of course they think the "changes" in you are a problem. It cramps their style.

For me, after a some sober time, I got to the point where the only opinion that mattered of myself was my own. I used to be ruled by what others thought of me, or what I THOUGHT they thought of me. It just doesn't matter anymore because I'm happy. I'm not here to "make" other people happy at the expense of my own happiness.

If you want to get sober, as you said "not have people in your life who will interfere with that" then .... do it. It ain't easy but for me, it was imperative to my sobriety. I can't hang around a bunch of drunks and stay sober ..... it's not a safe place for me. I had to change many things about my life when I choose to get, and stay, sober. Some of those things included ending relationships.

It just depends on what your priority's are.

Good luck to you!!

Anna

I don't see how someone could or would want to be around people who were drinking/using. It would never work for me and I'm okay with that. And, yes, like many people, I had to remove some family/friends from my life when I stopped drinking, and it was a good thing to do.

susanlauren

I guess you are going to need to decide first whether you have a problem with alcohol and/or with marijuana. If you do have a problem with either or both, then you are going to need to decide what, if anything, you are going to do about that problem. Susan

Dee74

I agree with the general thrust others have made here eaglette.

I could never had quit, and made the changes (people places and things) that I needed to make in my life, until I was sure I had a problem.

Unfortunately denial was also a part of my experience.

I've been following your story for a while - I recommend you go back and read your past posts - if nothing else, it may help you to recall why you came here in the first place .

D