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Dating and Recovery

Old 07-03-2011, 06:42 PM
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Dating and Recovery

I went on my first date last night since I became sober and began to seriously deal with my issues. I'm 36 and dating and finding a partner was one of the main motivating factors in my recovery.

She seemed perfect at first. I met her though one of those big online dating services. She contacted me. We met for coffee at my suggestion. She had wine. No problem I told her. I'm in training for a my first triathlon. She said she understood and we had our date. (yes I lied but I"m not pulling the major problem I"m dealing with out of the bag on the first date. Not without knowing more.)

She was 29, ended a 8 year relationship very suddenly which she told me about (not the best first date conversation I thought, but hey what do I know). Turns out she was very about the money. She had it. She was very successful moving in and out of government here in Canada at the highest levels. Starting a big online venture soon as well. She dropped names and insider knowledge. As much as her sophisticated private school upbringing and graduate education had helped to mold her and get her to where she was she had a dark calculating sinister side. She was vulgar. Not in the way most people might mean in the sense of dirty jokes or such. It was the money. And the way she talked to staff and a homeless man who asked for a light when we went for a walk. If her eyes were weapons skew would have killed that poor bum with her flinty look.

So I'm 223 days in. I'm thinking wow. Here's another manipulative person who is probably very messed up. Who talks about the properties there family owns all over the world on a first date? She wasn't lying I checked her out online (which you can do on anybody whose a professional these days using LinkedIn) She was the real deal.

So what does that have to do with my sobriety you ask? He's just bitching about this rich bitch. And you'd be right. I've not dated in a bit and wanted to tell that story. LOL. But I'm sitting there trying to feel if we would be a good match. Would this work with her (yeah I know it's a first date relax) but that's what I was doing.

After 7 months sober after 5 years of abuse... How ready are any of us for stuff like this? I'm still trying to get through the day with a positive attitude and not freak out and quit my job because I hate it. I'm trying to forgive myself for the 5 lost years. Hell I"m trying to catch up?

Did I see her as a way of catching up? A quick fix for my life. A step up the social ladder?

I guess I did. And by the way at the end of the night which I thought went fairly well despite how uncomfortable she made me feel sometimes (I"m damn needy I guess) we made plans for an art gallery.

This morning I get a message. Sorry our differences were too great. It hurt but I think it was for the best. I was thinking this morning about how much tap and dancing I was going to have to do with her to come off as good guy and a catch.

So what' the lesson of the story? I think that trying to be what others wanted me to be and not following my heart is what brought me to knees and alcohol. Did she see that in me. Did that warn her off. If so good on her. Bad on me. No amount of pain, money, or fame is worth my soul anymore.

Call me "Tendencies the bullet dodger"
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Old 07-03-2011, 06:54 PM
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My thoughts: You are better off without her. As soon as I read how she treated staff and the guy who asked for a light, I knew she wasn't a nice person. Nice people don't treat people like that. She obviously thinks she is better than others. Pfffttt...
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Old 07-03-2011, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Tendencies View Post
So what' the lesson of the story? I think that trying to be what others wanted me to be and not following my heart is what brought me to knees and alcohol.
Yes, and you did learn the lesson. You knew she wasn't the right woman for you and that you didn't even really like her. I have a feeling you wouldn't have lasted long in a relationship, had she decided to continue. Because you did learn the lesson. Being true to yourself is the best way to travel on the journey of recovery.
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Old 07-03-2011, 06:59 PM
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I was going to say the same thing as Suki. The way people treat other people (and animals) says everything to me. You're better off without her. Good riddance!
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:09 PM
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Congrats on taking an objective look at the date. Naturally it is going to hurt one's pride at least a little bit when someone says "our differences are too great", or anything to that effect. I think she did you a favor by letting you know this the very next day. Congrats on staying sober through everything, that's awesome.
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:15 PM
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I think you're better off without her.
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:16 PM
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Things happen for a reason. Try not to over analize the situation. Some things work -some things don't. If you had to put so much thought and justification into your part in the play I'd say it wasn't meant to be.
She just had an easier time cutting it off since she really doesn't care so much for others' feelings.
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:45 PM
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Thanks for your encouragement.

I'm surprised no one jumped on me for keeping my recovery to myself. Is everyone the same as me in thinking that that is something best kept to oneself while dating?

Should we only date people who also don't' drink?

Only date other recovering (recovered) alcoholics?

Anybody have any thoughts on that one?

So if you are dating a "normie." How do you tell someone you are abstaining from alcohol because you can't just have a nice glass of wine? One glass of wine will be the bottle. Then it will be as much scotch as I can put down. Then I'll wake up and wait until I feel good enough to do it again.

You know after 7 months sober I think of that type of "need" and shake my head. INSANE! INSANE. Who does that? oh yeah I do...lol.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:06 PM
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Tendencies, I was wrestling with the "how much do I tell" question today too. It was with my aunt who I am going to visit in another state next week. She asked what foods and alcoholic beverages we would like her to stock. I hemmed and hawed before responding, wavering on wanting to disclose fully, but I didn't feel comfortable with it, so I made a response that I was not drinking because I had started to get headaches even on the first drink and my doctor suggested I abstain from alcohol. Partially true - I did get dull headaches sometimes while drinking, but it was actually my marriage counselor that suggested I stop drinking and not because of the headaches! But I feel like this is a very personal issue, one that is difficult to disclose to people. I think whatever we feel comfortable with saying, is the right thing to say. I just think of it as any other medical issue... say a person had irritable bowel syndrome and had to visit the bathroom a lot at work... what is wrong with them laughing and saying, "Gee, I always drink too much water!" if they have to explain themselves? Sure, people shouldn't judge them or think badly of them for having something they can't control, but let's face it - people do judge all the time. And having a drinking problem or being alcoholic is just as uncontrollable, so we have the right to say what we feel comfortable saying.

And that woman sounds horrible - good thing it ended when it did. Reminds me of a few women I know (and dislike.)
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:07 PM
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I keep my sobriety to myself, unless the other person brings it up. I also don't think it's a good idea to go into specific detail as to why I don't drink, especially early in dating. I just say "I don't like it".

Are you actually training for a triathlon, or did you just say that? Personally I would be careful about making something like that up, you never know when someone is going to view that as a violation of trust!

I think it is possible to date someone who drinks. After all, a "drinker" can be someone who only drinks a glass of champagne once a year on New Year's Eve. However, anyone who has anything remotely resembling a drinking problem, I will not touch with a ten-foot pole.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:12 PM
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Tendencies it's up to you if you want to keep your recovery to yourself or not. About the date you will always find something wrong with something so don't try to analyse too hard with people. The woman that you went out with does seem to have money issues and have a high stand of people when that comes along. I would not worry too much about her. You too would not last at all. A person that lied about going on a second date is someone I would not like to get involve with anyway. From what you got from her you didn't seem to like her one bit.

For me on the only hand I would date marry and get a divorce and take half of the money. LOL joking
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:18 PM
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Yes I am training for mini triathlon. A friend did it last fall and I thought. Hey why the heck not. I"m sober and it give me a good goal to work towards. But it's a mini.

I don't like lying. But what do I do? Be perpetually in "training."

I might try on if people ask. "I don't drink it's just a lifestyle choice."

And I do know people judge us. Think we are week. Think we are broken. But I think we are the strong ones.

If you want to impress me show me the guy who can fail 50 times in a row and still get off the mat and try again. I think that's who we are as people struggling with our recovery. We are very strong people.

Not someone whose never been challenged. Never had a life or death struggle.

Because make no mistake about it.

We are in a life or death struggle.

If you lose. You die. It could be fast or it could be slow. But you will die from it.

But you only lose once you stop trying.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:28 PM
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I have dated earlyin recovery. We both has just stopped using drugs and was looking to carry on with our new lives. It was a blessed encounter. Both of us on a common path of wellness, each of us eager to learn new ways to lives, embraced together to take on any task.

The faces of fortune looked down on us with great favor. Together we supported, cried, loved, struggled our way into a new tomorrow. It was a blessed event that I know tho only once in a life time comes the union of such a partnership into a loving embrace that has excited my passion healing far beyond my wildest dreams.

What joy it has for our continued growth, healing in a partnership delivered from love its self.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:41 PM
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I'm surprised no one jumped on me for keeping my recovery to myself.

Why, it's none of her business on a first date. Relationships deepen over time with ever increasing levels of mutual disclosure as trust is built. This is not first date material in my opinion.
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Old 07-03-2011, 09:45 PM
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I'm curious about these dating sites; Can you request "non-drinker" in your date preferences? I'm married and I've not used these sites, but it seems like an alcoholic should look for someone who does not drink. There are so many non-drinkers out there. I used to be one and will be one again soon!!
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Old 07-03-2011, 09:46 PM
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yes you can choose that.
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Old 07-03-2011, 09:50 PM
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Oh there many a played out dastard lattes burnout lovers willing to share their failures, Give them time...lol.
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Old 07-03-2011, 11:32 PM
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You just met the wrong girl I guess.

That's oke,

Try again to date in a while, with a different girl u like,

If it happens again,

that's oke,

Repeat,

If it keeps on going like that , you're not ready ??
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Old 07-03-2011, 11:52 PM
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I guess I am what is considered a "normie" so just wanted to add that there are some of us out there who will not judge a person by whether they drink or not on a date, or anywhere, for that matter. I respect someone's choice not to have a drink no matter what their reason is for it.

and good luck with your sobriety and also with the next person you meet on the dating site!
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Old 07-04-2011, 05:57 AM
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I'm sort of new at this myself, but I have a friend who I met recently and one night while we were out she just sort of said, "I'm a non-drinker." I said, "Okay, cool." and never asked her why she's a non-drinker. Why do I care why? That is her choice.

So I decided that she's going to be my role model. If someone asks, I'll just say I'm a non-drinker. If they go further and ask WHY then it depends on the situation or person. If it's someone I don't know very well, I might say something like, "My body doesn't react well to alcohol." or "It doesn't agree with me." All of which are true statements.

I think it's also okay to say you're training for a triathalon or pursuing a healthier lifestyle. If the relationship develops, you can reveal more but no need for that on a first date!
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