liz84

I can't find my last thread that I posted when I was drunk and honestly I do not remember what I said in it. I am slightly drunk now. This is a miserable feeling so I really do encourage all alchoholics to gather around and feel superior, you should! I feel like sh*t. I am an emotional wreckage. I so want to stop this on my own. I would feel to embarassed to attend an AA meeting. What if I saw someone there I knew? What if they wanted my story on the first visit? What if I saw someone I knew? Including people driving down the street seeing me. It's so humiliating I think :/

I beg for God to help me make the temptation go away but I have prayed to God all my life to help me deal with hard situations and I have never received his help. From being in junior high and begging God for no one to bully me that day (failed) to prayed to God now to help me avoid alcohol. I feel like God has always given me an FU on prayers and when I do not pray to him things seem to work out better for me. How can He ignore me when I have begged him day after day to just be happy for once?

I don't know what I believe in anymore and I feel so lost. I know I am a weaker person, I need something to believe in. I am so lost.

Anna

I believe that the Universe always gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want.

Alcoholism is not a character defect. It's a disease.

I'm not an AA person, but I do work on my recovery every day. I hope you find a way to stop drinking.

liz84

Seriously, what is this? I beg and pray to God as I am growing up to give me just one day where no one made fun of me and made me the class joke and I never escaped anyone making fun of me. Even one day when I was 14 I walked around all day with a giant snotty loogie on my backpack that some kid spit at me. But kids have always picked me as the butt of jokes. Why should I believe in God when he never protected me? I was born but I wonder how he ever gave a ****. I have issues with religion. Even in our baptist church my parents forced me to attend every Sunday it was horrible bullying so I ended up hiding in their car every time until they got done. I just don't know how to believe in a higher power who has never helped me in any way even if I cried and pleaded for it to. I struggle with religion so much. I think there is no way that all this beauty in the world could have happened by accident but at the same time I wonder how, as God's child, to get through a single day can be so miserable when you are begging for just ONE good day. So what does God care if I drink? Did he care when I got shoved around, disgusted by classmates, spit on, constantly harassed, etc? Obviously, he wasn't giving a sh*t that day.

liz84

Sorry, it just seems like to me if there is no higher power judging me on my behavior, why should I really care? And if this higher power cared about ME, he'd intervene when I was younger and help me out instead of letting me be so miserable. He didn't help me then, doesn't help now. Is religion just BS?

Anna

Liz, I really think it's important to remember that the Universe gives us what we NEED, not what we WANT.

I hope you can find your way to sobriety.

liz84

Okay I need food and oxygen as well as clothes. Have I gotten love and acceptance ever? No.

What do we need?

SASA

you should stop drinking because you deserve better. Not for anybody or anything, just for you.

Anna

I believe that we need to learn certain lessons during our lives. We don't necessarily understand the lessons now, but there are things we need to learn. These things may not be what we want, however.

sweetnovember

Liz,
I'm sorry those kids were mean to you. I'm sorry no one stopped it. I hope you can find some peace.

liz84

It isn't even about kids being mean. Kids are like that. I am just using it as an example of God seeming to sit out for the day. Countless times I have believed and countless times I have been skeptical but every time asking for God's help and getting no positive response. My mother, a Christian, is always trying to tell me about angels she has seen which only makes me angry because I doubt she has prayed and tried to believe 1/10th as hard as I have for anything in my life. Somehow she is seeing angels more than once and I see nothing ever or even get a good day growing up as a teen? I get nothing? Ugh, whatever. Religion is a big issue with me.

1undone

you are NOT alone.

EmeraldRose

Welcome Liz...In my old age I have come to realize that life is just one big lesson. From day to day we learn from each incident and we become a stronger person for that instant.
We have no control of how people act or what they say or do -to us. We have no control over anyone but ourselves. You can't make anyone do anything. Everyone has a free will and it is your choice how you react to each situation. You can either be mad or you can see it as a learning experince and knowing this person has the issues not you. Being stronger than your opponent is what I felt helped me get thru my rough times. I didn't stoop down to their level and let them belittle me and let them abuse me...I stood on my own two feet, I took charge of my life and kept moving forward. That hurt them worse than cowering.
I believe that there is a higher power. It is my inner strength. I don't 'expect' help if help is not the remedy. Sometimes you have to look between the lines and see that everything isn't love and hate or black and white. There is a gray area of hope, faith, courage and the love you aquire for yourself. If it seems that all the doors are closing around you then look for a window. There is always a sign of hope if you open your eyes and see what's available.
Pity is nice for awhile...sometimes we get what we want. But in the longrun selfpity will dampen your spirit and you'll be stuck in quicksand because you'll never see the rainbow behind the storm clouds.
Personally, I think a counselor can help you with your youth issues. You need to get to the root of your problems to quit drinking for good. Otherwise, you will continue a vicious cycle.
I don't know if this made sense...sometimes I type and it just comes out.
I hate to reread it when I do that. LOL But in any case, drinking is not going to make you a stronger person...it will not fix your past bullying. I'm glad you're here.

Soberpotamus

It's ok to let others believe what they choose to believe... you are entitled to believe in ONLY what you want. Even if you're hurt and feel like there's no God in the universe... you are entitled to that belief!

Keep talking to God if you want to... if you really choose to believe, I'm sure God will hear you. It may not be when you expect it. Be open to things...

And find a way to believe in the value of YOU. You are valuable even as you are right now. You may feel lost, but you aren't really. Things just are bad at this moment...

*hugs* :ghug3

bostonluv

I've got a book you may want to check out: 90 Minutes in Heaven. A story about prayer and recovery. I don't know one person of faith that has not felt that God has abanded them at one time or another. Someone said to me a long time ago that God answers all prayers but the answer to those prayers may be NO. I hope you will keep searching for God. However, if this a stumbling block to your sobriety then I agree with the last poster. Maybe give up on that idea for now and make your own decisions without God. Hopefully, I won't get booed for this post.

LosingmyMisery

My childhood wasn't so great. I got teased alot too. My 20's weren't great either. The same with my 30's. Things started turning around for me in my 40's when I put my past behind me and worked on each day as it came. Life continued to get better after I got sober and worked through my painful past and focused on the days ahead. Good luck...

There is hope and a solution!

yogaisland

liz84, please don't give up. I was bullied and spit on as a kid too. It's easy to go down that "woe is me" path and wallow in misery. But you know what's better? Turning it around. No matter what your faith system is (I personally am Buddhist but I see value in all beliefs that bring strength and comfort), there's usually a concept of the golden rule, karma, whatever you want to call it. You want something nice to happen to you, do something nice. Starting with something nice for yourself. Namely, to stop destroying yourself, beating yourself down mentally and damaging yourself with alcohol. You are the only YOU there will ever be and that counts for something, even if it doesn't feel like it most days. Yes, even if you live a pristine life bad things will still happen. Heck, my house just got robbed this month, I pulled a muscle in my side, I am being stalked by a creepy guy at work... lots of crap stuff happens all around me. Not to mention being bullied by others and abused by my mother as a child. But I choose not to focus on that. I work in a nursing home and every single day I am blessed to have amazing interactions with these fantastic people. They tell me they love me every day, I get hugs, kisses, smiles. Sure, I have been swung at and cursed out by some when they are angry but I choose to forget about those times and remember the hugs.

I say sober up, make a renewed commitment to treating yourself right, and tomorrow call a random nursing home in the phone book and ask to speak to their activities director. You can be frank and say you're going through a hard time in your life right now and you'd like to be paired with a resident who is lonely but lovable. I have had volunteers call me with similar stories (one's husband died and she was wanting to create some kind of good in the world to make a reason to go on, another was just out of jail for drug offenses and wanted to turn things around) and I am more than glad to find them something to do. Maybe you're afraid of old people and think I'm crazy to suggest this, but I urge you to consider it. My residents bring me immense amounts of joy and show me that there is still pure love to be given and received in this world.

camedown

Liz, I can relate. Recovery is not something that is given freely, but is worked for very hard, every day. There is no magic pill, no beam of light from the heavens, that will instantly remove all you desires for booze. Though I am only at the beginning, I see the structure of the work ahead of me, and the only drink I need to worry about not taking, is the next one. The first step is up to you, and every one after that is your responsibility too. Though it may seem an arduous task, day after day, the confidence you acquire from succeeding one more day, and the fact that it was your hard work that did it, spurs you on. The AA community(I'm an atheist, BTW) is wonderful. I have yet to go to a meeting where I haven't felt totally welcome, and the only thing they want is to give me the tools to do my hard work of recovery, and schematics on how to get it done. The rest is up to me. I hope you find solace somewhere, enough to get you to make that first step. I can tell you that, after twenty five years of heavy drinking and drug use, the only thing that is proven NOT to work is another drink.

Best of luck to you- camedown

ETA

I agree with the above.

Saying things such as "I beg for God to help me make the temptation go away" seems like you are shifting the responsibility of your actions to someone else.

I am tempted, I have doubts. It's my responsibility to work through those. I am accountable for my actions and it's not God's fault if I give in to temptation.

We can be strengthened by our faith but if resentment and anger are all you are getting out of focusing on God then just forget it for a while.

Focus on you instead. Look forward instead of backwards. Use your anger as strength.

A therapist can be a great help for working through these kinds of issues.