Kjell

I’ve been sober now 18’ish months.

It hasn't been easy, but my life is getting better and I'm starting to see the payoff from my hard work.

Over the last few days, I’ve noticed life and people seem a bit confusing. Little, simple things are difficult (or seem that way).

I’m out-of-whack.

I’m sober and grateful for that, but I seem to be forgetting or not using what I’ve learned over the past 18 months (outpatient therapy, lots and lots of AA, SR, and plenty of life experiences).

Old patterns of bad behavior and thinking are creeping in, little by little, but with consistency.

Don’t get me wrong, most of it is easy to spot (as it’s happening and this is BIG time progress) and I’m able to laugh at myself, but some of it is painful and frightening, sneaky and I only notice it after it’s happened.

There is a part of me that feels I should be above this by now and I get angry at myself and almost embarrassed and confused by my own thoughts and actions, but of course I also know that I have much to learn and maybe some of “this” will always be with me.

So, I’m posting to get this out “on paper” and hopefully to dig a bit deeper.

Kjell~

Tuesday24

Hi Kjell-
I have been sober for 4 days. I don't have a whole lot of experience to offer you but I want you to know your never alone It has been very helpful for me to vent and get my emotions out here. Congrats on the 18 months. That is a huge accomplishment. Best wishes.

Bikeguy

I think some of "this" will always be with us and that's probably not a bad thing. I will always be an alcoholic the only thing I can hope for is that I can be a recovered or recovering alcoholic. Sometimes I wish I could erase the past but since that is impossible I have decided to try to learn from it. Stay strong!

bblackbirdflyy

Hey Kjell-

Super happy that you've been sober 18 months! what an inspiration! Just look at your avatar!!! Don't be sad!

I'm not sure exactly whats making you feel this way, but we are only human and human is a funny animal to be! Hugs and keep your chin up. Thanks for brightening my day with your posts! You make me want to keep going!

leo21

I don't know if this helps or makes sense but,

I figured it took me ten years of drinking to fall into this mess I made and I won't be suprised if it takes me ten years minimum to get out of it.

The culture of instant gratification is a very contagious thing. I'm trying to train myself to be the most patient human being on the face of this planet.

leo21

@ Bikeguy~~ this is kinda gross but I got this visual of alcohol being that booger on the finger.......shake the hell out of it and it just doesn't wanna fling off.... lol

Mark75

I used to have what you describe... Days at a time. Once I broke out of it, I would look back, scratch me head and think. WTF was that all about... LOL. In fact, I just got over a day long stretch on Tues... At least it doesn't last as long.

If nothing else gets me out of it... I try to go to sleep.. LOL... Either a nap or just go to bed. Or, a good long bike ride...

I am 33 months... It got better, it will for you too.

recoverywfaith

7 Congrats on 18 mos of sobriety and your awareness. Keep up the good work on your recovery!

bblackbirdflyy

@ leo lols eeeeewwww.

Boleo

Sounds like "resting on my laurels" syndrome to me. I hate when that happens. When I feel that way I look for new and improved ways ways to practice the spiritual principles that got me my spiritual awakening in the first place.

I won't go into the details of what I have tried so far as some of it is down-right self-mortification. However, if it was an ascetic life style that got you your release from the obsession to drink in the first place? Then you need to take it to a new level to get more elation.

Kjell

Yep, no doubt about it. It's at least part of it, if not most of it.

Thanks Boleo.

Kjell~

SwanSong

Thanks for the post Kj- was having dinner with a friend from AA last night he's almost 2 years sober I'm just past 8 months and this was basically our topic over dinner.

Agreed about the resting on laurels etc., even with a bunch of meetings, sponsor, sponsee, commitments, work, school, dog...we can still be resting!!

BP44

May I suggest you talk to your sponsor about a trusted service position? Most of them are rotating in August. Knowing your sponsor, I think he would encourage it.

recoverywfaith

Kjell,

You've worked hard on your recovery and I know that you will do the next right thing. Sometimes with milestones it is a bit of reflection on what you want to continue to change (thru your HP, thru the steps and with the guidance of your sponser) and maybe some of that reflection put you in a bad place...you did the right thing sharing here.

1undone

I swear over the last few days "it's" just been in the air! I can't wait to scratch my head and say WTF in the next few days because all this post alkie thinking will be gone for a bit!

EmeraldRose

I think of how many times I was drinking, thought stupid things, did stupid things and had a real thought...a reality check...now THAT was scary. I was so used to alocholic thoughts that a thought of reality scared the heck out of me -especially while on a binge. So its the same thing only opposite. But its' true like leo said...you can base your recovery on how many years in the tank you were. For me its' 30 so until I'm almost 80 I'll be on the fighting side.
Keep up the good work.

AcceptingChange

My thoughts exactly. I am out of my groove. ugh. this too will pass (but not fast enough).

Soberpotamus

Over the last few days, I’ve noticed life and people seem a bit confusing. Little, simple things are difficult (or seem that way).

I’m out-of-whack.

Congrats on your 18 months kjell!! That's awesome work.

Also... I wanted to mention a book I'm reading right now. It's Staying Sober: A Guide For Relapse Prevention by Gorski & Miller. What you described sounds like a PAWS symptom, based on what I read just last night. PAWS is post acute withdrawal syndrome... you may have already heard of it. Anyway, it's a normal phenomenon... even 18 mos into it, according to their research. What they say is to just be vigilant and to try to minimize any stressors that you can control... just to avoid any chance of relapse behavior (and they define relapse as not necessarily taking a drink... but any dysfunctional behavior while sober that stalls recovery).

WTG on your 18 MONTHS!!!

Kjell

I had horrible PAWS symptoms about 8 months in (I would sometimes stand up too fast and get light headed and even see stars at times to name the worst part of it).

I was hoping that was over.

Kjell~

stanleyhouse

Kjell
I recently went through a period of what I called irrational alcoholic behavior. It included irrational thinking and actions. I was trying to control the outcome of everything and protect everyone. It finally occurred to me that I was not trusting in God that things were going to be ok, just as they had been before. Things happen as they are suppose to happen. Take responsibilty for your part in life, thats the gift that awareness has given me.
I realized it's not just us that gets out of wack. Many people feel this in their lives too, but we are the lucky ones because we are aware of the devastion that denial can cause if we don't listen to what our souls are telling us.
Peace and hope. See you round the 2 year bend.
SH