Abbzi

Gees I must be to keep doing this to my mind and body...anyway Im 3 days sober and want to keep a record so it sinks in how I feel...Ive tipped around sobriety and aa for the last month but drank the whole time.. desperately wanting to stop [tomorrow] but deathly fearful of doing it.. Ive had a medicated detox at rehab twice so I knew what a stupid position I was putting myself in

Day one... I think I woke 3am last night [bed at 1am].. computered and drank..trying to finish what was in the house so I wouldnt sleep then drink all day.....8am..went to bed..woke about till 4ish... made it through the hell time of 6pm.. sweated till 8 pm when I knew the bottleshop shut... then to 10pm till pub shut... stayed awake all night sweating, shaking..heart bouncing... found ambulance number thinking Id need it...praying for the dawn & just not to die... lasted till 10am

Day 2 slept fitfully 4till pm...here we go again... repeat most of the above.. no food..drank water only and vit B cooked a boiled potato but could only eat half...felt ill....Managed to feed the 2 great danes...think I forgot last night and wash up..bed at midnight...sweat but better sleep

Day 3 Struggling to wake..just dont want to... pushed myself to get off lounge [no longer sleeping in my own bed] Less shaky but heart still ponding.. jumping at the slightest noise..drove to shop for daughter..Im still to anxious...drank jiuce coffee and milk..managed tomato soup [canned] and two slices of bread..

this whole time my daughter wouldnt come home as she thought I was drinking..I had no idea where she was, no phones to call her..I just kept thinking how the hell do I explain this to Police... lol..well shes home now so thats good...

Its 5pm if day 3..although I dont want to drive down to bottle shop, and theres none in the house... Im still at the missing the wind down it provides.. but for the first time in a long time I was able to say I would be able pick my daughter up at 9pm ....so thats a positive

I just feel so awfully lethargic at the moment...

sorry for the long rant.. I just dont want to forget how crap it is to put myself through this...

Dee74

I found having old posts to refer to was a great help Abbzi....congratulations on 3 days.

D

instant

Hang in there- sounds like you have survived physcially

Abbzi

Thanks Dee 74....they say remember ur last drunk..but when I crave the voice can always convince me 'it wasnt that bad' ...especially when i start feeling well...

Hi Instant... still shaky and anxious... but physically better than my last day of grog for sure... I was more scared of death by withdrawls than death by alcohol..stupid eh...

Raptor

Hey Abbzi, well done on day 3! Your comments helped me so much when I was on day 3 recently (now on day 11 after relapse from 5 weeks) Remember your triggers, remember your feelings after relapse, remember how much better you are feeling now..

remember remember remember, drinking or using is something we CANNOT do anymore...

take it 1day or if needed, 1 hour at a time...

Abbzi

Thanks Raptor.... surprising I could of helped anyone the mess I got myself in..lol..appreciate the thought... most the things I remember I dont want to ..too sad and shameful.. i know ill deal with it one day... tomorrow i cant comprehend...so Im thinking putting down the wine cask slowed me down to living in the moment which has never been me..

Funny but when i drink i live in the past or in the future but its always negative and gives me the excuse to keep drinking...

Your so true..between 3pm and 1pm.. im totally in the hour at a time

Abbzi

Heading into day 4..didnt drink last night..went to bed at midnight and have gotten up every hour... its now 4am and not a wink of sleep...I give up on sleep tonight..its just not going to happen...

Shakes and heart beat worse than day 2 and 3...and some weird joint pain has kicked in...

On a positive I was able to agree to pick my daughter up at 9.30pm and follow through with it...this is a big trust stuff for she and I...made me sad though at the risk Ive put at to walk home alone for so long..and the state im usually in when she gets there....

Odd with my anxiety and being housebound, Ive always been able to drive [cant get out of the car] but i can still drive..I think its the one place ive got some control...

anyway..thanks for listening..Im just trying to keep my own mind quite and Im findinmg this helps

Mariano

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. It will get better only in a few days. I had also sleeping problems. May I suggest to try to get some sleep or at least rest in bed? In early sobriety, I used to go to bed at 5 am, for example, and try to sleep or at least rest quietly a couple of hours.

Abbzi

Thanks Mariano.. yeah Ill rest today...I had plans but they can wait till tomorrow... I dont want to sleep too long and keep me up tonight....least Im obsessing on sleep and not alcohol... just waiting for my lass to wake and go to school....

I used to drink all night and go to bed about 10am so I dont blame my body fighting me turning that back to normal.... thanks for caring words...

Anna

I'm glad you're getting through this.

I am so happy to hear that your daughter is back home and that you're picking her up and being dependable. That's a very positive thing.

Mariano

Keep posting, Abbzi, and try to relax. I used to relax sitting comfortably and triying to stop my thinking and breathing deeply.

Mariano

I repost this here. Although it is a little sad, it has helped me a lot:

"Hello old friend"

Iv'e come to visit once again.

I live to see you suffer: physically, spiritual, and socially.
I want to make you restless so you can never relax.
I want you to be jumpy, nervious and anxious.
I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything; and everybody makes you uncomfortable.

I want you to be confused and depressed so you cant think clearly or positively.

I want you to hate everything, and everybody, including your self.
I want you to feel guily and remorsefull for the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go.

I want to make you angry and hatefull toward the world for the way it is, and the way you are.

I want you to be decitfull and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as manny people for no reason at all.

I want you to wake up durring all hours of the night and scream for me.
You know you cant sleep without me. I'm even in your dreams...

I want to be the first thing you think of when you wakeup in the morning, and the last thing you touch before you go to sleep if you can.

I would rather kill you. But i'll be happy enough to put you back in the hospital, anmother insitution or jail. But you know, I'll stil be waiting for you when you get out.

I love to watch you go slowly insane.
I love to see all the physical damage that i'm causing you.
I cant help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake... when you freeze and sweat at the same time. When you wake with the sheets soaking wet.

It's amuseing to watch.
Its amazing how much destruction i can do on your internal organs while at the same time i work on your brain, destroying it bit, by bit!

I deeply appreciate how much you have sacrificed for me; the countless jobs; all the fine friends that you deeply cared for and you gave up for me; and whats more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of you inexcusable actions.

For these, I am even more grateful. But especially for your loved ones, your family, the most important people in the world to you, you even threw them away for me.

I cannot express in words the gratitude i have for the loyalty and respect you have for me.

But do not despair, my friend, for on me you can always depend!

For after you have lost all these things, you still depend on me to take even more.

You can depend on me to keep you in a living hell; to keep your mind, body, and soul; for i will not be sastisfied until your dead!

So hello old friend, i'm the Rat... my name is "Addiction"

this is what we do battle with everyday...................!