ADaisyifyoudo

OK, so perhaps I should mosey over to the Step 4 forum but since I am not actively engaged in working the steps I thought I would throw it out here and ask for some feedback. I had a bit of a revelation today about myself, which isn't terribly pretty or flattering but I think may be tied into both my drinking and my relationship. Here goes, sorry if this rambles a bit.

Over the past 27 days sober, I have been depressed. Sometimes more, sometimes less. However, when I am with other people, or my daughter, I can lift myself out of it, have a good time, enjoy things around me, not think about alcohol so much. When I am with my husband, though, I seem to feel the need to exaggerate how awful things are, to highlight how difficult things are for me, how hard it is not to drink, how he drinks all the time, talk about all the things that are wrong and disagree or point out how any suggestions he makes are just about impossible. We had an argument the other night because he thought I should "relax and smoke some pot" and I made a huge deal about not using another addictive substance to deal with my moods as a substitute for alcohol. I could have just as easily said "no thanks" (truth is, I don't like smoking pot, it makes me anxious, so it's about the last thing I am ever tempted to do), but instead made it a big deal (since he likes to smoke pot). I am definitely WAY more depressed around him than I am around anyone else.

This morning, in an interaction unrelated to drinking, I similarly made a huge deal about taking our daughter to school. Details totally unimportant, so I will omit, but the following became clear to me:

I resent him because I do almost everything around the house and for my daughter myself, without him asking. I pay the bills, I take care of all the home and car repairs, laundry, cleaning , shopping, arranging child care, entertaining, you name it. And I keep waiting for him to notice, feel guilty, and step up and do stuff. Since he doesn't, I make sure to make a big deal about how inconvenient it is for me, hoping that he'll finally come to his senses, see how great he has it, and come running to help. Of course, that never happens, my resentment grows, and he's pissed because I am acting like a jerk. Truth is, it's pretty easy for me to pull it all off myself. Always have been a pretty effective multi-tasker. But just because it's easy for me, why should he get a free ride, right? Uh, right? Um, wait a minute. . .I am right, here, aren't I? Crap.

Same thing with drinking. If he doesn't acknowledge every second how incredibly hard it must be for me and how it must be super-awful to have to quit drinking, I go out of my way to show him how awful it is. Making it even worse.

Therapy?

LayLadyLay

Just because it's easy for you to do everything doesn't mean that it's right. That's where your resentment is coming in here. Regardless of how easy or difficult ANY of this is (whether it is doing laundry or quitting drinking) you feel like he's not putting in any effort to support you. You can get all the support in the world from AA and a sponsor, but if you're feeling constantly undermined at home you won't get far.

With sobriety comes clarity about a lot of things, and it sounds like maybe you've gotten clear on how alone you feel in the day-to-day management of your lives. You might want to sit down with him and have a serious chat about what you expect of him and how you need his support, in all aspects of life right now. How he responds should help you decide next steps.

ADaisyifyoudo

Since I missed my wildebeast window of opportunity (we were in Kenya earlier this year) I think I have to go with the change how I deal with issues that come up option. Not sure yet if AA and a sponsor is right for me but no doubt need to work it somehow.

Thanks.

GracieJane

Armchair psychiatry alert: As long as he's got it good, why would he do anything differently? As someone who just so very recently got away from a terrible and very one-sided relationship, I can tell you that the thing that made me wake up was realizing that he wasn't going to change, but I HAD to. Looking for appreciation and acknowledgment that may never come is expending energy that could be spent on you -- and your daughter. I hope that doesn't sound preachy, but it was definitely my experience.

Anna

Ah, yes, playing the victim/martyr role. I spent time there too, and it's not a good place to be. Resentment is inevitable and the resentment is toxic to you and to your family. And, the resentment leads to anger/depression.

My advice is to stop doing everything and let some things slide. Spend some time doing things that are fun for you. And, don't expect your husband to understand how hard it is to stop drinking and stay sober. That's your journey and it's not something others can understand.

IllBeFree

Acting out to show someone --especially a spouse doesn't usually work too well. I did it and ended up divorced and raising my three children all alone. Like you, I had done EVERYTHING all on my own without much help from him...but it is different when he REALLY isn't there any longer. It's a HEARTBREAK...It will not help the drinking to go through the hell and pain of divorce. Please try individual and couple's therapy now...while it can still help you. God Bless...

ETA

You have the right to every feeling so in that sense you are not wrong at all.

Sounds like there are some communication issues in addition to drinking issues. I'm not doing the AA route but I would think the focus there would be mostly on you - not quite as much on your relationship.

Would he be willing to go to counseling with you? Just to kind of weed through the what's going on and to facilitate communiction?

I know for a long time I felt so guilty about being a sloppy loser drunk that I didn't want to ask anything extra of my boyfriend - seemed like putting up with me was enough for him to do. I got the dishes...

Ranger

Absolutely. Where we can get tripped up, however, is to confuse the fact we have the right to every feeling with the belief that every feeling is right. I've found the latter to be a recipe for resentment, because people will time and time again fail to validate my "rightful" feelings the way I want them to.

Mcribb

I stopped folding laundry, it felt great. No one died

ADaisyifyoudo

Hit the nail on the head right there. He's actually a super guy. Would completely take on more IF I ASKED HIM TO. But I don't, so he doesn't. Every once in a while, he's like "why don't you go climbing Saturday?" and I'll say something stupid like "I thought you wanted to go riding" and he'll say, "yes, I did," and I'll just let it die right there.

I do have to give myself permission to do some things for myself.

Thanks.

instant

The resentment is eating you not him, your relationship with yourself is suffering because of this. Letting go of all this is something you can do for yourself.

The difficulties of the path you have chosen with your drinking can be viewed the same way. You did it for your own reasons, how is expecting it to be appreciated by him helping you?

You are on a road to be the best you can be- doesn't sound like he is.

ETA

Yup - very important distinction. And it's all about what you do with your feelings or how you communicate them.

There are times I knew I was right but I said things all wrong. Often drunk I would "communicate" things I had been holding in or wasn't comfortable saying sober. Or I was always hyper sensitive, defensive... I made so many messes!

But that's a different tangent...

ETA

I'm not sure if that can be said only based on the information given.

Not to be argumentative I just think that relationships are very complicated and a post can only give a small snapshot of one side.

Programmatic

I've been in practically the same predicament.
I work a 12 step program so what works for me is steeped in this.

I had to come to terms with my powerlessness over my AW. I also had to learn how to keep the focus on myself. I found I was ultimately responsible for my well-being and my degree of happiness.

I have a role to play and it does not involve playing or interfering with another's role. It also does not involve resetting the scene or adjusting the lighting. Any time spent on those tasks is time not spent developing my role. That job belongs to the director (my HP).

I found myself mired in the insanity of turning everyday, casual and pleasant conversation into a battle because I expected my AW to speak to me on my terms in the way I would speak to her. When the conversation would disintegrate I wanted to blame her for not having played the role I assigned her correctly.

When I stepped back and let her do her thing and focused on keeping my half of the relationship clean it coalesced into what I had been trying for anyhow. One thing that really helped me take the focus off of her and put it onto myself was to start some serious 4th step inventory.

Programmatic

Expectations are premeditated resentments.
Whenever I studied underneath my resentments I always found unsatisfied expectations. Further, I almost always found contrived and/or unrealistic expectations in regard to the circumstances over which I did have some control (such as failing to vocalizing my desires in a non-threatening way).