Really Confused
 

Hi, I'm new here and I have no where else to go, so I'll tell you my story. My wife of 16 years grew up with parents who were alcoholics and divorced. During her teens her only sibling committed suicide, later in life her first husband walked out on her, to say she's had a rough life would be an understatement.

Her father went to AA and became sober (I hope I use the right terms and don't offend anyone, if I do remember I'm confused), he died a couple of years ago and she was real close to him, he lived with us for his last few years. His death hit her real hard, and he was sick for a few years prior to that. In that time we had our own difficulties, we've been to a couple of marriage therapists, but it was like she wasn't really "there". In that time I started to also see a personal therapist, I didn't want any issues I may have interfere with our marriage. It was hard to get any emotion out of my wife, it's like she built a wall around herself so she would appear strong.

Over the winter we separated briefly, in that time she joined Al Anon, she wrote me a beautiful and heart felt letter in hopes that we haven't gone to far, she was excited for her new journey and really wanted me there by her side for support. I was enthusiastic to say the least, we got back together and we were doing good, I found the woman I had married and fell in love with, and I fell in love all over again.

Sorry, it's not a happy ending. During this period she started to go to more and more meetings, she had 5 or 6 books around she was always reading, she was writing notes all over the place, I would ask her how things worked, but I didn't want to pry, she would give me half answers, or say it was personal, ok, I get it, but she was starting to get distant emotionally. She starting spending a lot of time with her sponsor, she would either be out with her sponsor, or on the phone with her sponsor, she even stopped going to her part time job during the week (she works full time weekends).

One day out of no where she asks for a divorce. She has admitted to having "feelings" for her sponsor, and I understand this happens, my therapist tells me she's had lot a patients "fall in love" with her, it's happens when you share like that. It became very apparent to me that while I was falling in love all over again she was starting to withdraw, she was using Al Anon and her sponsor for emotional support, she didn't allow herself to trust me with her feelings. Her sponsor actually is a marriage therapist, so her sponsor knows exactly where we were in our relationship, and yet her sponsor is now in a relationship with my wife.

My wife insists they only have a typical sponsor/sponsoree relationship, yet I know this isn't true, I live in her fathers old apartment and one day I went to get something out of my car and saw them kissing and fooling around through the window. She tells me her sponsor isn't doing anything morally or ethically wrong, the thing is I can't call her a liar because I believe she actually believes that. It just seems to me if you are a sponsor you're probably familiar with the concept of emotional attachment of the sponsoree, and would try to explain that to them. As a Marriage therapist, you really, really should know better.

I don't know if I have a question really, well actually maybe I do, where do you go if you are the spouse of a family member of an alcoholic? I love my wife and our family (we have 3 boys between 8 and 12), I can't help but think she's disillusioned, and I would really hate for her to wake up in a couple of years and realize what she has done, I've tried to explain it to her, but you know how it is when you fall in love, even your closest friend and confidant for half your life is obviously wrong, they just don't understand.

Welcome to SR

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I do not attend ALANON but I am an alcoholic who utilizes the AA program. I believe that sponsorship is similar between the two programs though so I am going to share my experience with you.

WHAT A SPONSOR DOES:
* Helps us work the Twelve Steps by providing explanation, guidance, and encouragement
* Helps us get established quickly in our Fellowship by explaining basic concepts and terminology and by introducing us to other members
* A sponsor is a safe person whom we can learn to trust.
* A sponsor can answer the many questions that we have as newcomers or develop as "mid-timers."
* A sponsor can help us in the process of self-examination that the steps require
* Encourages us to read the basic text of our Fellowship and other program literature and to engage in Fellowship activities and service work.
* Can monitor our progress, confront us when it is appropriate, and generally help us stay on the recovery path.
* Reminds us to apply the Twelve Step principles in our lives.
* Models the Twelve Step program of recovery.
* Is available in times of crisis
* Provides practice in building relationships

WHAT A SPONSOR DOES NOT DO:
* A sponsor can not keep us in recovery
* A sponsor is not our therapist.
* A sponsor should not attempt to control our lives or encourage an unhealthy dependance.
* A sponsor should not take advantage of us or exploit us in any way.

Just my opinion but it sounds to me like the sponsor of your wife has not only encouraged an unhealthy dependance but also taken advantage of the vulnerability that comes when one trusts a sponsor enough to do the Twelve Steps by developing a romantic relationship with her. That is one reason that having a female to male sponsorship is discouraged.

Please do not think that this is appropriate or the norm in any Twelve Step program as it is not. I am truly sorry for your negative experience and pray that you will be able to move past this and ultimately find peace and happiness in your life again.

Thanks for your response, I do have a rather basic understanding, when my wife first started going to meetings I wanted to understand what she was going through so I could be there for her. Basically I did research on the InterNet, but I spent a lot of time with my therapist over it, she's helped me get a basic understanding, plus the talks I had with her father helped. I know I will never truly "get it" unless I've experienced it, but I'm also not completely out of the loop.

I also understand the discouraging the female/male sponsorship, however in my wife's case the point is moot, lets just say they didn't break that "rule".

I feel so bad right now, it's so obvious she's being taken advantage of, and yet she's be so completely manipulated she's not open to hearing me out, it's killing me to see this happen to her when there is nothing I can do to help her, she's my best friend and I promised I'd be there for her through this process, and I'm letting her down, there's only so much I can do, she needs to see for herself what's happened, she thinks she's on the road to recovery, I think she got led down that dirt road to no where.

Welcome PoppySon :)

I'm sorry for your situation.

I'm not in AA but Nandm's advice is sound - and her suggestion of AlAnon is a good one to follow up, I think.

I hope you can find peace and resolution in all of this.

D

Thanks for the reply. I was actually hoping to contact you about something, but it seems I need to post more before I can PM.