It's not OK
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Durban, South-Africa
Posts: 50
watch "Rain in my heart" on Youtube in its entirety.[/QUOTE]
I relapsed more times than I care to remember untill I accepted the fact that I was powerless over alcohol, TOTALLY accepted this fact. The above youtube documentary should be watched by all recovering alcoholics as a chilling reminder of how powerfull this disease really is....
You cannot change tomorrow BUT you can change rite NOW...
Peace and love to all..
I relapsed more times than I care to remember untill I accepted the fact that I was powerless over alcohol, TOTALLY accepted this fact. The above youtube documentary should be watched by all recovering alcoholics as a chilling reminder of how powerfull this disease really is....
You cannot change tomorrow BUT you can change rite NOW...
Peace and love to all..
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sacramento, California
Posts: 42
Hey Squishyboots, love the screen name! You ever heard the Chinese proverb, if you get up one more time than you fall, you've made it? I know what you mean though, I just started NA in May and was so proud of my 2 weeks clean till a week ago Monday when I got a bottle of pills and relapsed..... felt so crummy, I mean really, my self-esteem was like less than an inch, and I only say "was" because I went to an NA meeting last night and that's like the only thing that's made me feel better. Keep talking to other people in recovery, Squishy, keep posting here, keep going to meetings. Never give up. You can post what you want and say what you want, I'm a newbie and all but just "keep coming back!" Take care and good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 720
Squisyboots - Day 1 again it is. You're right, it's not okay to drink as others as mentioned and you have mentioned as well. But, it's okay to keep coming to us and letting us know what happened. We will always be here for you as I've mentioned before, to pick you up, wipe the dirt off your back, and tell you to keep trying. Never ever give up. Every body falls. I was falling every single day until I found this website. I'd wake up, look at myself in the mirror, and say "you have a problem, stop this". I'd go all day, and come late afternoon, I'd be back to the beer and the bottle. At first I'd think "I'll just have one". That would never happen.
YOU CAN DO THIS. Day 1, the start of a new day!
Be well.
YOU CAN DO THIS. Day 1, the start of a new day!
Be well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by newby1961 
For me relapsing was like a vicious merry-go-round. I would stop, feel like sh**, beat myself up so that I would feel worthless, and then the only recourse would be to drink again.
To stop I had to stop the cycle, I had to get off my darn pity pot..Oh if you were me or had my life you would drink too, boohoo, boohoo, and then I would find myself in the bar getting loaded again.
For me it took over 20 years of coming in and out of AA, NA, rehabs, detoxes, hospitals,jails.
I wanted to do the program my way, I would not listen to anyone, and it was a wonder I didn't die playing that rather toxic game.
I just had 7 years May 13th, so it is possible to obtain recovery but, I had to fight harder than I ever fought for anything in my life. I had to be as desperate as the dying could be. When they told me to jump I said how high, no not really, but you get the jest.
I also had to quit calling myself the relapse queen because when I stayed in that mentality that is exactly what my actions showed.
So get off the cross someone else needs the wood.. I had to think about that one for awhile..Peace
To stop I had to stop the cycle, I had to get off my darn pity pot..Oh if you were me or had my life you would drink too, boohoo, boohoo, and then I would find myself in the bar getting loaded again.
For me it took over 20 years of coming in and out of AA, NA, rehabs, detoxes, hospitals,jails.
I wanted to do the program my way, I would not listen to anyone, and it was a wonder I didn't die playing that rather toxic game.
I just had 7 years May 13th, so it is possible to obtain recovery but, I had to fight harder than I ever fought for anything in my life. I had to be as desperate as the dying could be. When they told me to jump I said how high, no not really, but you get the jest.
I also had to quit calling myself the relapse queen because when I stayed in that mentality that is exactly what my actions showed.
So get off the cross someone else needs the wood.. I had to think about that one for awhile..Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by Anna
I'm glad you're back.
What can you do differently this time so that you don't relapse?
What can you do differently this time so that you don't relapse?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 720
Squishy - my brother-in-law is a recovering alcholic. Would drink a fifth of Vodka a day. He was in two major accidents - one he literally passed out after he went in the ditch. His wife, had to drag their children out of bed in the middle of the night to go find him. It was the middle of winter. When she pulled up to his truck there was blood all over the windows because he hit his head on the side window. He was out cold. His children had to witness this. Do you think he quit drinking? No. He kept at it, kept feeling sorry for himself. They got divorced. Did he quit drinking? No. Once again more pity parties. My husband and him were extremely close. But, now they weren't. He was jealous of my husband and couldn't get out of this hole he had buried himself in. The only one that started reaching out to him was his niece (my step-daughter). He then got pulled over again, with an open bottle between his legs and a rifle on the passenger seat. He was on his way north to prove a point. He was put in jail, and faced the judge. He lucked out with a light sentence of 3 months in jail, 3 months in rehab. He came out of both sober, and still is. His recovering alcholic boss took him back to work (which is wonderful). When all this was going on, my husband had given him hard love. He, too, told him to get out of the destructive path of self-pity. They have since talked a couple times and are on track to reestablishing the brotherhood they had. It will take time, but baby steps.
If you get hard love here, hopefully you see the underlying word in it. Love. Sometimes we need compassion, sometimes we need to laugh, and sometimes we need someone to set us straight. Even if it's not exactly how we want to hear it.
I appreciate the hard love in some of these emails, because I, too need to hear it.
If you get hard love here, hopefully you see the underlying word in it. Love. Sometimes we need compassion, sometimes we need to laugh, and sometimes we need someone to set us straight. Even if it's not exactly how we want to hear it.
I appreciate the hard love in some of these emails, because I, too need to hear it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by Buelah
Squishy - my brother-in-law is a recovering alcholic. Would drink a fifth of Vodka a day. He was in two major accidents - one he literally passed out after he went in the ditch. His wife, had to drag their children out of bed in the middle of the night to go find him. It was the middle of winter. When she pulled up to his truck there was blood all over the windows because he hit his head on the side window. He was out cold. His children had to witness this. Do you think he quit drinking? No. He kept at it, kept feeling sorry for himself. They got divorced. Did he quit drinking? No. Once again more pity parties. My husband and him were extremely close. But, now they weren't. He was jealous of my husband and couldn't get out of this hole he had buried himself in. The only one that started reaching out to him was his niece (my step-daughter). He then got pulled over again, with an open bottle between his legs and a rifle on the passenger seat. He was on his way north to prove a point. He was put in jail, and faced the judge. He lucked out with a light sentence of 3 months in jail, 3 months in rehab. He came out of both sober, and still is. His recovering alcholic boss took him back to work (which is wonderful). When all this was going on, my husband had given him hard love. He, too, told him to get out of the destructive path of self-pity. They have since talked a couple times and are on track to reestablishing the brotherhood they had. It will take time, but baby steps.
If you get hard love here, hopefully you see the underlying word in it. Love. Sometimes we need compassion, sometimes we need to laugh, and sometimes we need someone to set us straight. Even if it's not exactly how we want to hear it.
I appreciate the hard love in some of these emails, because I, too need to hear it.
If you get hard love here, hopefully you see the underlying word in it. Love. Sometimes we need compassion, sometimes we need to laugh, and sometimes we need someone to set us straight. Even if it's not exactly how we want to hear it.
I appreciate the hard love in some of these emails, because I, too need to hear it.
Thank you Buelah - I love to hear your stories and know that you made it through the weekend and are doing well. Thank you for being here. Thank you everyone for understanding and beating me up a little.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Well, I'm not going to yell at you and tell you that you're stupid, because that's not true.
However, it's not okay to relapse because we are dealing with a life and death issue.
Shake up your routine for sure, that really helped me a lot.
However, it's not okay to relapse because we are dealing with a life and death issue.
Shake up your routine for sure, that really helped me a lot.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Squishy...
You have a choice today, to seek recovery, to move past this. You have choice before you take that first drink to have some tools, that you can pick up and use to avoid
taking that first drink. You have a choice to read thru everything here, everyones experience, strength and hope. You have a choice to go to a meeting and learn what others have done.
You have a choice..to live, or to continue drinking..
You have a choice today, to seek recovery, to move past this. You have choice before you take that first drink to have some tools, that you can pick up and use to avoid
taking that first drink. You have a choice to read thru everything here, everyones experience, strength and hope. You have a choice to go to a meeting and learn what others have done.
You have a choice..to live, or to continue drinking..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Here's the question Squishy--how many days have you had at most without drinking?
I have done the same thing you are doing--and the steady members of this group can attest to that. Quit, revel in my sobriety, drink.
I'm now at Day 8. Right now it starts to feel natural. I went to a movie neither drunk nor hungover for the first time in YEARS (ten, fifteen?) yesterday. I just sat and cried at how beautiful the previews were....but you don't know what you aren't getting until you give yourself the chance.
Here's another thing. Both when I used meth and when I have used alcohol, I have been under the impression that the loaded people were in charge, were in tune, and understood everthing. I was afraid I would not longer "get the secret." ********.
I also know that your situation is seriously imperfect. That is probably your biggest hurdle. Your husband is going to have to participate to make this work. Of course, you will stay sober for yourself, but his continuing to drink and/or use will make your quitting harder. Get him on the boat no matter what you have to do.
Again, you must quit for some period of time before you understand. Take the chance. Don't drink this WEEK. Do it one minute at a time, but if you make it a week, you will begin to feel differently. And BTW, I am certainly still clinging to every minute--but I'm making it.
(Later I hear things get hard again, but gosh, right at the beginning of serious sobriety things make sense.)
I have done the same thing you are doing--and the steady members of this group can attest to that. Quit, revel in my sobriety, drink.
I'm now at Day 8. Right now it starts to feel natural. I went to a movie neither drunk nor hungover for the first time in YEARS (ten, fifteen?) yesterday. I just sat and cried at how beautiful the previews were....but you don't know what you aren't getting until you give yourself the chance.
Here's another thing. Both when I used meth and when I have used alcohol, I have been under the impression that the loaded people were in charge, were in tune, and understood everthing. I was afraid I would not longer "get the secret." ********.
I also know that your situation is seriously imperfect. That is probably your biggest hurdle. Your husband is going to have to participate to make this work. Of course, you will stay sober for yourself, but his continuing to drink and/or use will make your quitting harder. Get him on the boat no matter what you have to do.
Again, you must quit for some period of time before you understand. Take the chance. Don't drink this WEEK. Do it one minute at a time, but if you make it a week, you will begin to feel differently. And BTW, I am certainly still clinging to every minute--but I'm making it.
(Later I hear things get hard again, but gosh, right at the beginning of serious sobriety things make sense.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 513
You are correct Missy. And a week in a normal life is so short isn't it? A week right now, expecially over a stupid holiday seems like forever. This is going to be tough. My entire husband's family drinks (fully stocked bars) and of course we have to see them this weekend. I just want to crawl under a rock. But I am determined. Today is Day 1 again. I thought I could make it last night and I almost did, but almost isn't good enough. Even though I had half of what I usually do, it wasn't an excuse. The hardest time is 5-8 pm every day. I need to find something to do besides the insanity of dinner, laundry,cleaning, bath night for kiddos, blah blah blah...
Its all an excuse and we know what they say about those. I just need to pull myself up and get a move on. I promised when my kids were born I would be super mom and I'm starting to fail at that during the tough times.
What's funny is I could care less if any other kind of alcohol is around. I hate beer, whiskey, wine, rum all of that. But if vodka is present that's my problem. Maybe I'll just tell his family and him for that matter if they want to drink, stick to the whiskey. Gross. Unfortunately though if I try to get out of it, it starts a huge fight with my husband that I just don't want to see his family (which is somewhat true as well....) :-)
Good luck to everyone - this is a going to be a tough week, but possible all the same!
Its all an excuse and we know what they say about those. I just need to pull myself up and get a move on. I promised when my kids were born I would be super mom and I'm starting to fail at that during the tough times.
What's funny is I could care less if any other kind of alcohol is around. I hate beer, whiskey, wine, rum all of that. But if vodka is present that's my problem. Maybe I'll just tell his family and him for that matter if they want to drink, stick to the whiskey. Gross. Unfortunately though if I try to get out of it, it starts a huge fight with my husband that I just don't want to see his family (which is somewhat true as well....) :-)
Good luck to everyone - this is a going to be a tough week, but possible all the same!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Don't be supermom. It isn't worth it 
. You will be supermom no matter what you do and the kids will love you anyway--so long as you're around. I relish the way my kids make fun of my foibles. I'm neurotic and tough and not as domestic as I might be, and they still love me. I have a few serious phobias and really watched me girls (I have three) but they managed it. They just don't tell me some of what they did behind my back. I have a choking phobia that is terrible. I actually cannot eat alone. So I really watched that with my kids.
The day the youngest got on the plane for college she said to me: "I'm going to college mom, and I'm gonna take big bites."
I loved that. Good for her.
And your kids will love you too--no matter what. Even if you can't quit drinking. But it will be a sadder love--like how we love our father who was drunk so much of our lives and who died of literal alcohol poisoning. What a rotten deal.
THAT is what you owe your kids. And your husband's family makes your path a dangerous one. BTW, Squishy, I don't quite believe the "only vodka" thing. I have my preferences, but in a pinch, I'll drink anything...well, not Vermouth.
Go to the party, get a glass, fill it with ice and something non-alcoholic, make it your job to refill it every time it is half empty. Tell the guy at the bar you are topping off with pepsi (or whatever). Don't put it down. Don't ask. Anyone asks you if you would like a drink, say you already have one--you set it somewhere.
And I know how long a week is, believe me. I have to get through this weekend to get to my own personal record, and that includes hosting a big 4th of July party at our house, way out in the country, where last year we had a HORSE TROUGH full of beer and probably six kinds of mixed drinks stuck to the kitchen floor the next morning.
I get it. We will both need to be tough.
Now talk to me about running.
. You will be supermom no matter what you do and the kids will love you anyway--so long as you're around. I relish the way my kids make fun of my foibles. I'm neurotic and tough and not as domestic as I might be, and they still love me. I have a few serious phobias and really watched me girls (I have three) but they managed it. They just don't tell me some of what they did behind my back. I have a choking phobia that is terrible. I actually cannot eat alone. So I really watched that with my kids. The day the youngest got on the plane for college she said to me: "I'm going to college mom, and I'm gonna take big bites."
I loved that. Good for her.
And your kids will love you too--no matter what. Even if you can't quit drinking. But it will be a sadder love--like how we love our father who was drunk so much of our lives and who died of literal alcohol poisoning. What a rotten deal.
THAT is what you owe your kids. And your husband's family makes your path a dangerous one. BTW, Squishy, I don't quite believe the "only vodka" thing. I have my preferences, but in a pinch, I'll drink anything...well, not Vermouth.
Go to the party, get a glass, fill it with ice and something non-alcoholic, make it your job to refill it every time it is half empty. Tell the guy at the bar you are topping off with pepsi (or whatever). Don't put it down. Don't ask. Anyone asks you if you would like a drink, say you already have one--you set it somewhere.
And I know how long a week is, believe me. I have to get through this weekend to get to my own personal record, and that includes hosting a big 4th of July party at our house, way out in the country, where last year we had a HORSE TROUGH full of beer and probably six kinds of mixed drinks stuck to the kitchen floor the next morning.
I get it. We will both need to be tough.
Now talk to me about running.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 513
Alright Missy! Sounds like you and I have another tough weekend ahead. I'm actually going to see my friend for some personal training and work out tonight at 5 pm. Hopefully by the time I get home I will just chow on some dinner and get the kids to bed. I know it will be a rough night for me, but I'm ready. Tomorrow before work I may run if I can get some sleep (haven't slept well in days). Its supposed to be 92 here so gonig after work is way too tough. Maybe I can bring the kiddos somewhere for dinner since my hubby will be working out that night.
Its hard when you are in a job you hate, the toddler years are tougher than I thought they would be (and I'm 41, I'm supposed to have more patience!), finishing my degree after 20 years and getting no help from my husband to watch the kids so I can get my homework done and just all around not happy with my physical appearance after two C sections. So there are all my excuses and pity wrapped up into one big ball - now let's step on them and get moving right!!!!?
We can all do this - let's keep up on it this week. I need some good after work activities I can do with the kids...:-)
Its hard when you are in a job you hate, the toddler years are tougher than I thought they would be (and I'm 41, I'm supposed to have more patience!), finishing my degree after 20 years and getting no help from my husband to watch the kids so I can get my homework done and just all around not happy with my physical appearance after two C sections. So there are all my excuses and pity wrapped up into one big ball - now let's step on them and get moving right!!!!?
We can all do this - let's keep up on it this week. I need some good after work activities I can do with the kids...:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 720
Squishy - I agree with Missy. And Missy thank you for every thing you put. You are like my husband and I. We throw huge yard parties every year. Family oriented, but there's always lots of beer. We live in the country, and fill a big "waterfall" tub full of beer and ice. We always threw one the 4th weekend. But, decided to start doing one every other year. Last year, we incorporated our birthdays and our anniversary and had over 100 people throughout the day. It was wonderful. But, once again, lots of alcohol. I already have that in the back of mind, that when we throw our next party, I can't expect every one to not drink, but I won't be able to drink. But, I can't think about that now, I have to think about today.
This coming weekend will be tough for a lot of us. But, it's good to know we will all be there in heart and mind cheering each other on.
We all have our imperfections, but those that love us, love us just the same. But, when it comes to this part of our lives, they want it to go away. It's up to us to make that happen.
This coming weekend will be tough for a lot of us. But, it's good to know we will all be there in heart and mind cheering each other on.
We all have our imperfections, but those that love us, love us just the same. But, when it comes to this part of our lives, they want it to go away. It's up to us to make that happen.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
I'm taking pain meds again, because I desperately need them for medical reasons, so this comment somewhat contradicts itself but:
I relapsed several times from quitting alcohol over ten years ago. Back then, every time I told myself or others that I was "never going to drink again" there was always a little piece of doubt or hesitation in the back of my head. I now realize that I had left the "option" open to drink incase things didn't quite go my way or were just crappy enough. After numerous attempts and various consequences of drinking I took away that "option" to go back to drinking and it worked. I can't explain it but it was just a feeling and a sensation that I knew that the "option" to drink incase of xyz was gone.
This was the exact same time that I realized that if the "option" to drink was gone that I had to get to work on myself and come up with different ways to handle life. The important message I'm trying to get across is that as long as I left the "option" available in the back of my head, the addict part of my brain would have me do ANYTHING it needed me to do to get me there.
I can feel your frustration but know that you are in a better spot in recovery than you think. Sounds to me like you are ready to take away that "option" for yourself.
I relapsed several times from quitting alcohol over ten years ago. Back then, every time I told myself or others that I was "never going to drink again" there was always a little piece of doubt or hesitation in the back of my head. I now realize that I had left the "option" open to drink incase things didn't quite go my way or were just crappy enough. After numerous attempts and various consequences of drinking I took away that "option" to go back to drinking and it worked. I can't explain it but it was just a feeling and a sensation that I knew that the "option" to drink incase of xyz was gone.
This was the exact same time that I realized that if the "option" to drink was gone that I had to get to work on myself and come up with different ways to handle life. The important message I'm trying to get across is that as long as I left the "option" available in the back of my head, the addict part of my brain would have me do ANYTHING it needed me to do to get me there.
I can feel your frustration but know that you are in a better spot in recovery than you think. Sounds to me like you are ready to take away that "option" for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 720
Squishy - you can take the most beautiful person per society's standards and once they open their mouth they are instantly unattractive. Or if they have a scowl, so much for the perfect body, hair, and makeup. You can take someone with thinning hair crooked teeth, bad skin, and overweight. And the moment they smile and begin to speak, you find the beauty. My husband has always told me. A smile is what people see overall. Not the physical features. Don't worry about your phyiscal appearance - put a smile on that face, and no one will see what you keep seeing. We are all harder on ourselves than we should be. But that's because of what we see on TV, in magazines, etc. Remember, all Moms are beautiful because they provided life.
Put your chin up and SMILE!
Put your chin up and SMILE!
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