sobermax

Ok, much calmer. Hallucinations - just that. I am sorry for this latest bout of humiliating neediness. The worst of it seems to be done and I am mostly back to myself. Now just have to face up to it all. Thank you for your kindnesses. What an awful few days. And what now . . .?

PaperDolls

Glad you're feeling better!

IllBeFree

This site is a very good support. I am new, but I am also a counselor and I know you deserve to get in touch with a good counselor for in person one on one. Just reach out...There will be a helping hand. Try... PLEASE. It doesn't have to hurt so bad.

IllBeFree

Ok... I am new here, so excuse me if I over-step. It is good that you feel better because in this state you can make choices for yourself that will work for the immediate and distant future. Please consider tapping into one on one in person counseling or treatment TODAY. You deserve more support right now. Those thoughts, feelings and sights may or may not return. Nevertheless you need and deserve more support to ensure your recovery. Please think about it...then act on it--for the GOOD of you!

sobermax

Thank you IBF. Have seen so many counsellors & shrinks over the years though. This madness seems impervious to reason. I am currently thinking about getting some inpatient treatment, if I can find a way to fund it. Lost, lost lost.

IllBeFree

If you speak to someone ... call a hospital or treatment facility they will help you or refer you to help. This is there job. They collect a paycheck every week just in case people who deserve help such as you need right now have the COURAGE to say, "HELP! I'm over here! HELP!" Make some noise and get your grease! PLEASE? Your honesty & courageousness is inspiring... You don't have to do it all by yourself, ya know?

Hevyn

Relieved to see you feeling a bit better Max.

sobermax

Hello everyone. Just coming out of the worst withdrawal I ever had. Ended up getting ambulanced off the side of the motorway because I just freaked out and collapsed. Thought that was that. Still, I'm still here. Never felt so frightened as I have the last few days - all that suffering for the 'pleasure' of sitting alone in my room necking cheap wine whilst posting madness on Facebook. I think I may have hit my bottom and pray I never forget the last two days. Trying to stay in the here and now and work out how to do it differently this time. How is it possible for us to 'forget' the horrors we put ourselves through so quickly? Right now, I'm willing to do anything not to go back there ever again.

Dee74

I'm really glad to see you're sounding better Max
Have you given any thought to what happens now?

D

sobermax

Hey Dee, thanks.

Yes - brain still spiralling and not thinking so clearly yet so haven't made a plan. Just have the conviction that whatever I do next, it has to be - HAS TO BE different from before. I know I won't drink for the next few days while feeling so rough, so time to plan.

Hevyn

Max, For what it's worth - you described exactly the way I felt the last time I had the "pleasure" of guzzling down a bottle of vodka all by myself. I was sufficiently terrified by that last withdrawal & haven't forgotten the horror. (I now have 3 yrs. 5 mos.) The memory of it dims, though - we must remain vigilant.

So glad that you made it out of that nightmare & are ready for a new day.

newwings

Hugs, Max. I can hear all the pain, confusion and fear in your posts, and I so want to leap out of my chair and HELP you right now! Can you just explain to me if you are getting outside help for these things? Are you detoxing alone each time? I know you've seen counselors etc, but is your GP familiar with what you are going through? It feels like you have been very alone in dealing with these things, and I think you need more.

By the way, I don't know if you've ever used the chat facility on here, but I would recommend it if you haven't yet. There's always someone on there (well, nearly always) to talk to right then and there, and if anyone detects a crisis situation they will alert someone who is able to give you good, solid advice. Sometimes it's just good to have someone there to talk to, right then and there. You are not alone.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

sobermax

Hey newwings, thank you for your message.

Well, I have visited my GP about it previously, about a year or so ago and he prescribed me some mood stabilisers to help with the insomnia, and some psychotherapy which was really interesting but didn't seem to help much. I've also been to AA quite a bit but . . . I have felt most alone recently and under a lot of stress, which I don't deal with well, so not ideal circumstances.

I haven't used the chat facility - should have done so the other night (not very computer-savvy!). I'll check it out.

Your kind words mean a great deal, thank you. Feeling much, much calmer now and busy making a real plan that I can stick to, and that's the thing for me - every time I feel better, the voice in my head tells me I'm ok - and I believe it!

Truly had enough of living like this. No more. Never.

sobermax

And thanks Hevyn,

and everyone else!

newwings

Thanks for your kind reply, Sobermax.

Well, that's interesting about the GP. You last saw him over a year ago, I guess things either haven't changed for you much since then, or if they have, slightly for the worse? You now know what he suggested last time didn't work, so you can go in armed. I know what these Brit docs are like (I'm a Brit in America now) - they whisk you in, you have five minutes to reel something off, and then you are out again with a quick fix that doesn't really hit the spot. From your posts, you need a ton more than that, mate. Please make another appointment, ask for a longer one (they HAVE to give you it). Tell him everything, leave nothing out and say you need some really solid help. If you get the brush off, choose another GP at your surgery and try again. No one deserves to go through the roller coaster you are on right now alone. No one.

Once you have offloaded properly, I hope they jump through hoops to help you deal with this all. You sound much better and I am very happy about that, I just want you to not feel like it's a solo mission to be sober. A lot of it is, but not all.

Hugs.

sobermax

Just wanted to say 'thanks' to everyone. Things seem much less hopeless now, thanks in large part to all the good people of SR. I am getting some proper help at last. Might even get some sleep! Thank you.