Back again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
Posts: 51
Back again
Hello, not sure if anyone remembers me or not I was here once before and left sadly to not good results. But I have noticed in reading some of the threads, relapse does seem to be something unfortunately that does happen here and it's good to see people give it another shot, so I really want to also. Here goes as some of you know, maybe looking at my previous posts,I am an alocoholic, I had an OWI in November of last year and a new daughter born in December. I had faith at that time the combination of those 2 things, along with court ordered treatment for the OWI, AA meetings and posting here would keep me sober. Unfortunately I began relapsing and it only got worse. This led to me getting a 2nd OWI in March of this year. This time the penalty was not so gentle. I spent 2 and 1/2 months in jail in addition to the other penalties. 2 and 1/2 months I lost of my daughter's life. Since being out of jail I have relapsed twice, but really want to give this another try. So I am back here again. I will say that I got sober in March of this year, but again have had the 2 relapses since. So 2 times falling off in 3 months, but I want to get back on and stay on this time. I look forward to learning from people here. How do you explain your relapses to people who don't understand your disease just how much it upsets them and endangers others?
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Bri,
Congrats on wanting to get sober for good!
I sat here reading your post and wavered between not posting at all, or posting. My answer to how I explain my relapses is simple. I don't. I have nine months and no relapses and pray I never will. I too went to AA but voluntarily and stopped after I was feeling secure in my sobriety at three months. I did and do come to SR often and post and more than that read.
Now if you ask how I don't relapse that is simple too. Today is the 25th of June and I will not drink today. If I get a craving for tobacco or alcohol I remind myself I can't do that today as hard as that may seem, even though it rarely happens anymore. Just for today. I can do that. Then repeat.
I sure wish you were attending AA voluntrarily. I also wish that you learn to quit for yourself not for others. And that quitting means never being a normal drinker, never having one drink, never trying to drink in moderation, never drink alcohol again. That's what I did. Not for my wife, my kids, but because I knew it was killing me as a slow suicide. So let's cut to the chase. I was killing me not the alcohol because I had to lift that first drink. I could not stop and had to check into a 7 day detox to get detoxed. So I am not stronger than anybody or alcohol while drinking. I didn't have strength but I had will. I found the detox at the VA. I found out how and when to check in. It took me two weeks to get there because our central A/C unit went out (August in Louisiana) and I had to make arrangements for my absence for the detox and a 28 day rehab. I was later told by the detox counselor that most never show up so no appointments are made you just show up Tuesday-Thursday between 9 and 5.
I was so literally sick (Tremors every morning, vomiting, vertigo, memory lapses) and tired of my addiction to alcohol ( scotch in my first coffee, staying home to avoid DUIs, retiring from a great job rather than face my nightly problem and then expanding to the entire time I was awake) and the losses to my quality of life that I was desperate. I am not young and was convinced I had done irreparable damage to my health. I never drove when I had more than two drinks. That was before during and after driving, two no more, not two every hour or whatever. Why? I wasn't afraid of hurting others or perhaps even killing someone. I was afraid I might hurt or kill ME at worst, and damage or total my car at best were I to wreck. I was too chicken to drink and drive. See I am the most selfish SOB you ever met! As a result I was no danger to myself and others or having issues with the law. Not strength, fear and pride.
No one could have made me stop before I realized I was about to die much sooner than I should.
I was high functioning and my grown boys didn't think I had a problem nor my friends that did not drink or drank one or two. My wife knew but stayed out of it as she drinks normally and smokes too.
I swore if I could just detox safely that was it. It was.
All that to let you know that I was and am now not stronger than anybody but just the opposite. It wasn't until I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol, and stopped thinking I was in control, which lack of control was obvious even to me at that point, was my sobriety not in question. Somehow I came out of it pretty much healthy, and the remnants of PAWS are slowly going away.
For awhile I stopped coming here because I really got tired of reading about relapses because when they had more sober time than I had, they scared me even more, at probably the time I needed a scare!
Hi I am Itchy and I am a recovered alcoholic. I will never drink alcohol again because I can't. I am not strong enough to control it. And I have seen my alcoholic voice for what it is. I now deal with that voice as I would a two year old child that tries to throw a tantrum. I am the adult and certainly will not drop down to a child's level. My alcoholic voice is so just a wuss to me now.
Remember it's not a relapse if you don't drink. Then it is just a craving.
Congrats on wanting to get sober for good!
I sat here reading your post and wavered between not posting at all, or posting. My answer to how I explain my relapses is simple. I don't. I have nine months and no relapses and pray I never will. I too went to AA but voluntarily and stopped after I was feeling secure in my sobriety at three months. I did and do come to SR often and post and more than that read.
Now if you ask how I don't relapse that is simple too. Today is the 25th of June and I will not drink today. If I get a craving for tobacco or alcohol I remind myself I can't do that today as hard as that may seem, even though it rarely happens anymore. Just for today. I can do that. Then repeat.
I sure wish you were attending AA voluntrarily. I also wish that you learn to quit for yourself not for others. And that quitting means never being a normal drinker, never having one drink, never trying to drink in moderation, never drink alcohol again. That's what I did. Not for my wife, my kids, but because I knew it was killing me as a slow suicide. So let's cut to the chase. I was killing me not the alcohol because I had to lift that first drink. I could not stop and had to check into a 7 day detox to get detoxed. So I am not stronger than anybody or alcohol while drinking. I didn't have strength but I had will. I found the detox at the VA. I found out how and when to check in. It took me two weeks to get there because our central A/C unit went out (August in Louisiana) and I had to make arrangements for my absence for the detox and a 28 day rehab. I was later told by the detox counselor that most never show up so no appointments are made you just show up Tuesday-Thursday between 9 and 5.
I was so literally sick (Tremors every morning, vomiting, vertigo, memory lapses) and tired of my addiction to alcohol ( scotch in my first coffee, staying home to avoid DUIs, retiring from a great job rather than face my nightly problem and then expanding to the entire time I was awake) and the losses to my quality of life that I was desperate. I am not young and was convinced I had done irreparable damage to my health. I never drove when I had more than two drinks. That was before during and after driving, two no more, not two every hour or whatever. Why? I wasn't afraid of hurting others or perhaps even killing someone. I was afraid I might hurt or kill ME at worst, and damage or total my car at best were I to wreck. I was too chicken to drink and drive. See I am the most selfish SOB you ever met! As a result I was no danger to myself and others or having issues with the law. Not strength, fear and pride.
No one could have made me stop before I realized I was about to die much sooner than I should.
I was high functioning and my grown boys didn't think I had a problem nor my friends that did not drink or drank one or two. My wife knew but stayed out of it as she drinks normally and smokes too.
I swore if I could just detox safely that was it. It was.
All that to let you know that I was and am now not stronger than anybody but just the opposite. It wasn't until I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol, and stopped thinking I was in control, which lack of control was obvious even to me at that point, was my sobriety not in question. Somehow I came out of it pretty much healthy, and the remnants of PAWS are slowly going away.
For awhile I stopped coming here because I really got tired of reading about relapses because when they had more sober time than I had, they scared me even more, at probably the time I needed a scare!
Hi I am Itchy and I am a recovered alcoholic. I will never drink alcohol again because I can't. I am not strong enough to control it. And I have seen my alcoholic voice for what it is. I now deal with that voice as I would a two year old child that tries to throw a tantrum. I am the adult and certainly will not drop down to a child's level. My alcoholic voice is so just a wuss to me now.
Remember it's not a relapse if you don't drink. Then it is just a craving.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
Posts: 51
Thanks very much for the responses so far guys. I hope to be back here longer than I was the first time for sure. As far as the relapses go, it was just an issue of being back in touch with an old drinking buddy too soon. That turned into an issue of which I'm sure you are all familiar. Told myself I was just having a few and before I knew I wasted. That loss of control is a scary thing, but one of my reasons for posting here is that it's encouraging to know that it can be beaten. I know now, at least for the time being I just need to keep myself away from situations where I can be exposed. While I am court ordered for this treatment and it has greatly upset my family, I do feel like at this time I am ready to accept doing this for me I am 32 years old and already alcohol has led many down several different paths in life, however no matter how long or short they always end bad.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Welcome back Bri 
I think the best 'explanation' is always action - you may be court ordered but it sounds like you're doing it for you too - as you work on your recovery & stay sober, people will see the changes in you.
Like Itchy said, relapse is not inevitable - it was a part of my active addiction, not of my recovery...
I drank for 20 years - I'm living proof it is very possible to live sober if you're prepared to make the necessary changes and do the necessary work
D
I think the best 'explanation' is always action - you may be court ordered but it sounds like you're doing it for you too - as you work on your recovery & stay sober, people will see the changes in you.
Like Itchy said, relapse is not inevitable - it was a part of my active addiction, not of my recovery...
I drank for 20 years - I'm living proof it is very possible to live sober if you're prepared to make the necessary changes and do the necessary work
D
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,899
I see a lot of people court ordered to attend AA. They sit quietly, never contribute, and sometimes leave immediately after their paper is signed. Don't be that person. Listen, contribute and start working the steps as if your life depended upon it, because it does.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
Posts: 51
Thank you guys, thank you for the support. Dee, I think something you said kinda hit on why the relapse issue bothered me enough to come back here and try to be more active this time along with going thru treatment and meetings. People did comment that they did see positive changes in me since I became sober. So I felt like I kind of let myself down in relapsing. But I don't feel like I'm out, I've not given up I really want to try long term soberiety. I mean I drank every day for pretty much 11 years so this 3 and 1/2 months was kind of a big thing for me. In taking stuff day by day it just says to me I need to try harder. I do plan on attending meetings as soon as I am able. I'm on house arrest for the next 26 days tho so it may be difficult. Again I look forward to talking much more with you guys, thank you!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I think we've all let ourselves down at one time or another Bri....this recovery thing isn't easy.
I think it's today we should look at tho...we can't do anything about yesterday...but we can do our best to make today great
D
I think it's today we should look at tho...we can't do anything about yesterday...but we can do our best to make today great
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
Posts: 51
Thanks Dee! That's encouraging. It seems from what I've read so far alot of people here were long time users like myself. Is it just kind of an understood thing that sometimes people can slip up making their first long term attempt like this? Also is this place somewhat busy on Saturdays? I might be here a while....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Well I understand it cos I did it too LOL...I think most of us have an understanding...
but I do believe in the idea that relapse is part of the disease, not a part of recovery.
It may be common - but it's not inevitable, if you know what I mean...
This particular Saturday/Sunday for me seems pretty lively yeah
D
but I do believe in the idea that relapse is part of the disease, not a part of recovery.
It may be common - but it's not inevitable, if you know what I mean...
This particular Saturday/Sunday for me seems pretty lively yeah
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
Posts: 51
Thank you for the info. I understand. I made a mistake and put myself in a situation I should have not at this point in my recovery. What I'll need to do going forward is just avoid situations like that until I am able yo better handle them I think. I'm just glad to be here today and have this forum to share!
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