Day 10 (yes, really)
 

Having posted a lot of "Day 1 (again)" sort of threads I thought I'd post something a bit more positive for a change. I hope it might be of use to somebody out there who felt as hopeless as I did.

So today is my tenth day sober. This is now the longest I've ever gone without a drink since I started drinking problematically about 15 years ago.

My last relapse began a week last Tuesday and lasted for a couple of days. On that Tuesday, I had been out to do my voluntary work in the morning and was dreading it finishing because I knew what was going to happen.

Sitting in my flat, I can only describe it as being like having two people in one head. They were both me, but one was completely desperate not to drink. I literally poured every single ounce of my being into trying to fight it. I cannot express in text quite how much I mean that but it is the truth.

Lasted, I don't know, half an hour? Then I was off.

I think this is when, after several months in AA, I finally properly got step one. I'd said it before, heard it before, but I think this was the point that I finally fully internalized the fact that I was simply powerless against this and completely unable to win that fight.

So come Thursday morning when I woke up and didn't drink, I began to phone my sponsor every day, read the big book and start to sincerely ask for help from my higher power. I started to sincerely look for help outside myself and to ask for help in handing my will over entirely to what I call God.

I'm not projecting into the future. I know there are harder times ahead, but all I can do is describe how I feel now and how I have felt over the last 9 days and I can say with complete honesty that the desire to drink has been taken away from me.

It has to be this way. If the desire is there, if I am fighting, I will lose. Full stop, end of, simple as that.

If anybody reading this is feeling hopeless, reading all the great stories of success around here and feeling like they will never do it, I feel for you. I don't think anyone could have felt more hopeless than me.

But I was trying to do this on my own terms, with my own will power. I believe I have stopped that now and for the first time in my life, something else has come into my life and taken the desire away.

I'm not proud to be at 10 days. I'm humble and grateful.

10 days is a great achievement, make it 11 next and then don't stop.

Well done!

One day at a time hon, you know you can do this :ghug3

Right on, beautifully put. Thanks for this.

A huge smile on my face for you and a great big hug!
I know how hard this has been for you and how much you've been trying.

I completely understand what you mean about having two people in your head. You can almost here them going back and forth.

Keep up the good work SRN.
Amazing job! :)

I am SO happy for you, SRN. Reading your account brought me back to the moment when my desire to drink was extracted from my soul. I can't even begin to explain what happened, so I call it "grace".

I made it seven days about a month ago. I fought with mself too. On day three now. booze is the devil!!!! Happy for your accomplishment!

Thanks everyone.

Hi all. Day 14 and still happily sober.

Wow. Just had an afternoon nap and just had the textbook recovery dream. I dreamed I was sitting at my computer with several bottles of vodka and had drunk about half of one. I was horrified with myself, was dissapointed, it was 15 mins to an AA meeting and I dreamed that I was trying to get myself to tip the rest away and get to the meeting but couldn't because I knew I'd have to start the 14 days all over again.

In the AA book, Living Sober, it describes exactly this and says it is very common to have these dreams in early recovery. I'd not read that page for many, many weeks so did not directly trigger this but it was so vivid and the feeling of horror and disgust at myself was so incredibly real. The feeling of relief when I woke up about five minutes ago and realised it was a dream was just incredible.

Bit blown away by that experience. Anybody else had or having these?

Yes I had once that dreams. I think that they are quite common. I think that they are good, as they mean that your unconscious is also fighting bravely against alcohol.

Congratulations on day 14.

I have also had those types of dreams. Everything seems so real and vivid in them. I am struggling every day and hope it gets better soon. It helps me when I think about what alcohol has done to my life and my body. I cant get the years back that I have wasted, but I can stop adding years. I hope to be healthy in the future.

Hey Congrats! :) Great news!

Dreams - well I've had them too and think they actually help. It's like they put you emotionally where you would be if in fact you did relapse! I was so freaked out at the first couple that I posted here. But after thinking about it I was happy I had them. I'm hoping for one again as I'm starting to feel a bit "weak." Time for meetings every day I guess! This whole obsession comes in waves for me.

AGAIN CONGRATS! :)

Hey there SRN I am also on day 10, and for myself also this is the longest I have ever been sober for about 20 years. I am going the AA route so 4 meetings in the last four days trying to get to one tonight . Dont want to break the streak plus for me they help so much. Lets see ya tomorrow for day 11 keep all the positivity up :)

Peace

:welcome to SR and congrats to all.

This is wonderful. Thank you for sharing it. I am on Day 5...but not really celebrating anything...

Day 11 and for some reason I am just PISSED...at everything and everyone. i am still able to behave nicely on the outside, but internally I am VERY angry. I would drink now IF my health did not feel so GLORIOUSLY better. I was in pain everyday, my blood pressure was up, I had chest pains, tingling extremities...PAIN... Now I feel basically normal physically. I don't want to lose this physical feeling ever again. health is PRICELESS! I never want to throw it away or take it for granted again. Continued Sobriety to YOU!