Day Two
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 87
Day Two
When I first popped in here a few months ago, I wasn't convinced I really had a problem. I was busy debating the with myself about the definitions of alcoholic and alcohol abuser. I was busy telling myself I could cut back, that I'm not really like these people who can't stop. I was busy simply fooling myself because I didn't WANT to stop.
Well I didn't cut back. In fact, I escalated the drinking. I now have brown outs and black outs multiple times a week. After black out days, the anxiety is so severe I have to take a xanax just to be able to work. And least one day a week, I didn't make it to work at all.
I need to be done. I no longer care about the labels. I'm just like you in that I can't just cut back. I admit it and I own it. If I don't stop right now, I will destroy everything I care about and likely wind up dead.
I've picked up Alan Carr's book about quitting drinking (his stop smoking book worked remarkably well for me), and I'm going to come here. At least that's my plan for now. (I don't feel the AA thing is right for me.)
Every day for a little while, I'd like to make myself accountable. I can't remember the last time I made it to day three, let alone day five. I'll bet a day ten was more than 20 years ago. I hope it's okay that I post my count every day for a little while. I believe it will help me.
Thanks for listening.
Well I didn't cut back. In fact, I escalated the drinking. I now have brown outs and black outs multiple times a week. After black out days, the anxiety is so severe I have to take a xanax just to be able to work. And least one day a week, I didn't make it to work at all.
I need to be done. I no longer care about the labels. I'm just like you in that I can't just cut back. I admit it and I own it. If I don't stop right now, I will destroy everything I care about and likely wind up dead.
I've picked up Alan Carr's book about quitting drinking (his stop smoking book worked remarkably well for me), and I'm going to come here. At least that's my plan for now. (I don't feel the AA thing is right for me.)
Every day for a little while, I'd like to make myself accountable. I can't remember the last time I made it to day three, let alone day five. I'll bet a day ten was more than 20 years ago. I hope it's okay that I post my count every day for a little while. I believe it will help me.
Thanks for listening.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi PP-
I, too, became a blackout drinker and I'm very familiar with the guilt, shame, and remorse. That was the worst part, worse than all the consequences combined (and I had many), was how low I sunk.
For me that awful feeling, was enough to get me into AA where the obession to drink was removed by working all 12 steps.
I haven't had a single blackout since I got sober. Go figure
Kjell~
I, too, became a blackout drinker and I'm very familiar with the guilt, shame, and remorse. That was the worst part, worse than all the consequences combined (and I had many), was how low I sunk.
For me that awful feeling, was enough to get me into AA where the obession to drink was removed by working all 12 steps.
I haven't had a single blackout since I got sober. Go figure
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
Towards the end of my drinking career I blacked out almost nightly. I could not remember who I talked to, what TV I watched or anything the next day. It's a terrible way to go through life and a terrible thing to put loved ones through. My memory is still not as sharp as I'd like but it's getting better each day I distance myself from drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 87
Yes. The blackouts are the worst and are why I've made this decision. It was to the point where I'd wake up in the morning and check Twitter and Facebook to make sure I didn't post something stupid. Then check my Netflix account to see what I watched.
The worst though? Was casually saying something to my husband and having him give me this look and saying, "Um, you told me that last night when we were walking the dogs." And having no earthly recollection of any of it.
Oh, the shame and remorse of it. I could cry right now I feel it so much.
The worst though? Was casually saying something to my husband and having him give me this look and saying, "Um, you told me that last night when we were walking the dogs." And having no earthly recollection of any of it.
Oh, the shame and remorse of it. I could cry right now I feel it so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
First Kjell--laughed till I cried. I too have had no blackouts while sober.
PP--we are both wayward Aprillers who are on the right path right now. Hang in there. I'm on day five and feel really good. I too am a blackout drinker. My last little binge, just last Sunday, I only drank beer so I thought that was good, but I still don't really remember what happened after a certain point. I wonder if it is easier and easier to reach blackout. I like your term brownout. I hadn't thought of that.
How did you get the xanax? My Dr. would never give me very much of it. I would take pain pills to get through the day and I too would often miss work because of the hangovers and anxiety. I only once did drunk Facebook but I lived in mortal terror that my stupid cell phone would purse dial someone and they would hear my stupidity.
Why would we risk that?
I'm glad you feel you have made the right decision. Be sure you are on SR when you can be.
PP--we are both wayward Aprillers who are on the right path right now. Hang in there. I'm on day five and feel really good. I too am a blackout drinker. My last little binge, just last Sunday, I only drank beer so I thought that was good, but I still don't really remember what happened after a certain point. I wonder if it is easier and easier to reach blackout. I like your term brownout. I hadn't thought of that.
How did you get the xanax? My Dr. would never give me very much of it. I would take pain pills to get through the day and I too would often miss work because of the hangovers and anxiety. I only once did drunk Facebook but I lived in mortal terror that my stupid cell phone would purse dial someone and they would hear my stupidity.
Why would we risk that?
I'm glad you feel you have made the right decision. Be sure you are on SR when you can be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Out west
Posts: 191
I can totally relate. I'm on day 2 as well, and like you I black out several times a week and I suffer terrible guilt and anxiety the next day. I find it so embarrassing when I can't remember the company leaving the night before and having to ask my husband if everything is ok. I'm looking forward to waking up tomorrow with no hangover or regret and having a great Saturday. I feel great today, but I'm at work, so to feel good on a day off, what a gift. I look forward to your post tomorrow!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 87
Wayward Aprilers. Aptly put! (I remember you, Missy. You're photo looks like a photo I took the last time I was in New Orleans before Katrina.)
Five days! Good for you! Are you having trouble with it? Do you have a plan?
My last blackout was Wednesday night. It does seem like it's taking less and less for them to happen, however, I'm also drinking faster than I was, so maybe that's it. I use the term brownout for when I try and try and can't remember anything about the end of an evening, but then my husband will say something and only that will trigger a memory. I reserve blackout for when he tells me something and even then there's no recollection at all. It's exceedingly frightening and shameful.
I suffer from a panic disorder and saw a therapist a couple years ago. They recommended it to help on only certain occasions and my doctor was willing to prescribe sparingly. I fill probably two prescriptions a year for 30 pills apiece. I take them if I have to fly or got to the dentist and if I get a panic attack. I'm super careful about overdoing it on them because they are they only things that stop a super bad panic attack and I don't want to build up a tolerance. (Conveniently, one of my irrational fears is of medication and so far has kept me from abusing anything other than alcohol.)
I'm glad you came back too, Missy.
Five days! Good for you! Are you having trouble with it? Do you have a plan?
My last blackout was Wednesday night. It does seem like it's taking less and less for them to happen, however, I'm also drinking faster than I was, so maybe that's it. I use the term brownout for when I try and try and can't remember anything about the end of an evening, but then my husband will say something and only that will trigger a memory. I reserve blackout for when he tells me something and even then there's no recollection at all. It's exceedingly frightening and shameful.
I suffer from a panic disorder and saw a therapist a couple years ago. They recommended it to help on only certain occasions and my doctor was willing to prescribe sparingly. I fill probably two prescriptions a year for 30 pills apiece. I take them if I have to fly or got to the dentist and if I get a panic attack. I'm super careful about overdoing it on them because they are they only things that stop a super bad panic attack and I don't want to build up a tolerance. (Conveniently, one of my irrational fears is of medication and so far has kept me from abusing anything other than alcohol.)
I'm glad you came back too, Missy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 87
Elphaba, oddly enough. I feel great too because Day Twos are not a hangover day. Sadly, that always made it easier to drink that night.
Let us both wake up on our day off tomorrow feeling as good as we do right this minute!
What will you do to make sure you don't drink tonight?
Let us both wake up on our day off tomorrow feeling as good as we do right this minute!
What will you do to make sure you don't drink tonight?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
I'm busy planning my sobriety all day long. But then something happens and I lose it.
For instance, Wednesday I was sitting listening to a student complain, and thought--"no wonder I drink." I was a stunning instant but kinda funny really.
I love your taxonomy of black and brownouts. I think you're right and I understand perfectly the distinctions.
Gotta run. Well, actually gotta work then walk three or four miles. That's my plan to stay sober. I'm exercising like boot camp and am going to look great for fall term. I've hung a dress that's too small for me on my bedroom window. Gonna wear it first day back.
That and I'm going to say "no." Keep a soda in my hand. COUNT THE CALORIES. Keep commitments. Save the money. In fact, I may buy something expensive Saturday that needs to be assembled on Sunday. Sunday is actually my high risk day. Hubby and I love to hang out in bars on Sundays and drink and talk about our kids. Kinda weird. And he doesn't drink coffee or there would be no problem.
See ya soon.
For instance, Wednesday I was sitting listening to a student complain, and thought--"no wonder I drink." I was a stunning instant but kinda funny really.
I love your taxonomy of black and brownouts. I think you're right and I understand perfectly the distinctions.
Gotta run. Well, actually gotta work then walk three or four miles. That's my plan to stay sober. I'm exercising like boot camp and am going to look great for fall term. I've hung a dress that's too small for me on my bedroom window. Gonna wear it first day back.
That and I'm going to say "no." Keep a soda in my hand. COUNT THE CALORIES. Keep commitments. Save the money. In fact, I may buy something expensive Saturday that needs to be assembled on Sunday. Sunday is actually my high risk day. Hubby and I love to hang out in bars on Sundays and drink and talk about our kids. Kinda weird. And he doesn't drink coffee or there would be no problem.
See ya soon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 400
Welcome back PocketPanda! I signed up in April too so I am also a wayward Apriler. Tried to stop my wine addiction in April, May, and June. Failed everytime because like you, Panda, I thought I could moderate/control my consumption. But everytime I let the wine back into my life the obsession begins.
We are proof that the alcohol is powerful but we can overcome our addiction. So I'm right here with you ladies and looking forward to a new life!
We are proof that the alcohol is powerful but we can overcome our addiction. So I'm right here with you ladies and looking forward to a new life!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by pocketpanda 
...I'm not really like these people who can't stop. I was busy simply fooling myself because I didn't WANT to stop.
... I don't feel the AA thing is right for me.
... I don't feel the AA thing is right for me.
AA is not the answer for everyone. But I'd bet my last dollar that every person that went to AA at some point felt AA wasn't their thing.
Keep in mind that the very same brain that is telling you AA is not right at one point told you that you didn't have a problem with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 400
Hi Missy, Thanks for asking. I'm doing well. I'm finally, truly convinced I have a drinking problem and I'm going to stop entertaining the thoughts which say I don't. Today is a new day 1 for me.
I hope your weekend goes well and you can stay strong!
I hope your weekend goes well and you can stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Kooskia, Idaho
Posts: 406
Congratulations on day 2! I also got to the point that if I didn't blackout it was a good
night. I had a prescription for klonapin for my anxiety, which I knew were directly
related to my hangovers and drinking.
I ditched the meds over a year ago, but I also was able to quit my job at that time too when I moved to Utah to be with my fiance . I only would get major panic attacks when
I knew I had to go to work hungover the next day. I also used compulsive exercise
to help manage my anxiety. I figured if I looked good, then people couldn't hassle me
as much about alcohol..after all, I had such willpower when it came to getting my butt
out of bed, hangover or not..and running.
The alcoholics head is a strange place..Thanks for being here..I am so comforted in
knowing I'm not the only one that thinks the way that we do..SR has been so great
for me also
night. I had a prescription for klonapin for my anxiety, which I knew were directly
related to my hangovers and drinking.
I ditched the meds over a year ago, but I also was able to quit my job at that time too when I moved to Utah to be with my fiance . I only would get major panic attacks when
I knew I had to go to work hungover the next day. I also used compulsive exercise
to help manage my anxiety. I figured if I looked good, then people couldn't hassle me
as much about alcohol..after all, I had such willpower when it came to getting my butt
out of bed, hangover or not..and running.
The alcoholics head is a strange place..Thanks for being here..I am so comforted in
knowing I'm not the only one that thinks the way that we do..SR has been so great
for me also
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Out west
Posts: 191
I plan on having a low key evening and being very gentle with myself. I have asked my husband not to invite anyone over and he has agreed to refrain from drinking, not a big deal for him. I am going to pick up movies, good food and Perrier water. I also have Alan Carr's book and another book called Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey, both of which I have summarized the pointers that really resonate with me. I also find hot baths really relaxing so that might be in the cards. I had a 20 year love affair with cigarettes and I managed to quit 4 years ago with no lasting regrets so I know physical and mental withdrawal is temporary and things will inevitably get easier. Oddly enough when I quit smoking my alcohol consumption increased, instead of reaching for a smoke I reached for a glass of wine so stress management is a big focus for me, I need to focus on self-care and not self destruction. All that aside, I just really want to wake up tomorrow feeling as great as I did today. I will undoubtably be on this site tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Spain
Posts: 298
Hello, Elphaba. It was the same for me, but in the reverse: when I quit alcohol, my cigarrette consumption increased.
Relaxing with hot baths is a good idea. Perhaps doing some sport (moderate) will help you too. Any healthy activity or hobby will also help. Dont stay sitting down just watching TV. Healthy sleeping and eating habits are very helpful. Take it easy. Cravings do pass.
Sorry, my english is not very good.
Relaxing with hot baths is a good idea. Perhaps doing some sport (moderate) will help you too. Any healthy activity or hobby will also help. Dont stay sitting down just watching TV. Healthy sleeping and eating habits are very helpful. Take it easy. Cravings do pass.
Sorry, my english is not very good.
Last edited by Mariano; 06-24-2011 at 11:23 AM. Reason: Mistakes
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Hi PP. It seems we have the same sobriety birthday. Its Day three for me. Last night I got a raging headache and It still lingers this morning... Hope you are feeling good. Looking forward to reading your future posts.
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