I just want one more night...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 5
I just want one more night...
This is my first post. After re-reading there are so many points at which one can judge and point fault...please don't. I simply need to share. I already know what I am going to do. I just am so desperate to be able to tell someone the truth.
It has occurred to me that I have a problem. I am a younger person but have partied hard for years since my parents were sick as a child. As a new single parent with a great yet stressful job, I recognize that I have been drinking too much- a lot actually... I have been drinking more and more. I started bringing bottles of wine to most family/ friend functions to "share." I get a bottle on the way home from work, and once chores are done and children are sleeping and properly cared for, I drink it. It started with glass, and now is a bottle. I noticed lately that after that is gone, I still want more. I recall telling someone who was concerned to loosen up because I drink the "small" (actually regular sized) bottles. I drink most heavenly, when I am all alone in the house. I have had several accidents in which I get bruises and scratches. I still function during the day, but am starting to feel like a zombie at times.
I found a new man in my life- a single father. A wonderful man and father that adores my children and me (and vice versa). With his and family support I am getting past my abusive relationship, financial problems, work issues, and the daily junk we all must surpass. I am hopeful of the future, focusing more at work, trying to be the best a single mom can be, and am back at church and hanging out with family and lost friends. My family has been commenting on my drinking for about the last six months. My ex didn't notice because I actually started drinking with him. My new love has been around me enough to notice "my pattern." When I crashed my vehicle, he was by my side when I needed someone the most. But there is one thing he needs from me... Not me love, because that is his, but for me to stop drinking. Yes, I know that one must stop for themselves and not someone else- hence my issues.
He is kind, supportive, and not pushy. It is simple, he needs me to be sober so we can stay together and have a happy life. And I, would like that life. Since the accident, I have not drank a sip upon their requests. I didn't think I had a problem- until now. I have been tempted to drink every night. The urge hits me like a tidal wave and I obsess about it from 5:30 pm to 9:30pm. I have noticed that family has been lurking around me and keeping me busy in a bundle of fun good old family social events. Parties, game nights, and coming over to give me a hand with this or that. I have literally not been alone on an evening for the last few weeks- hence my few week sobriety.
I broke down and bought a bottle on my lunch break today. Not something I am proud of, but I am never alone so I got the urge and gave in. I am starting to feel resentful against the very people who love me unconditionally. I wish they would give me one night by myself, so I can get a sitter and drink a bottle or so. I tell myself that if I am at home, alone and not bothering anyone else, then I am being responsible. That the only person I can hurt is me, and I am willing to risk that.
So there it is, the truth. I am sitting here, when I should be working, pondering an excuse to get him to not come over tonight so I can have an evening to myself. I know I should stop drinking...that soon I will have to. But, I am not ready...I don't see the harm if I can do it once a week. Do I think I can do it once a week? No. But if I don't do it in front of people then the answer is yes.
So, here I am. Thankful that god has allowed me to keep living and for the many blessings he has given me. Ashamed of what I truly am inside, and torn, torn, torn, torn. I don't see why I can do all the right stuff (pay the bills, care for lil ones and so on) and drink late at night when no one is around. I am so desperate that if I can't get them to not come over, then I will literally start drinking before they come over and brush my teeth. I hate being devious , am terrified of scaring loved ones away, and also annoyed that I am a grown woman and feel like I am being told to do.
So there is the plan folks, I just want one night... Why can't I start on day one tomorrow?
It has occurred to me that I have a problem. I am a younger person but have partied hard for years since my parents were sick as a child. As a new single parent with a great yet stressful job, I recognize that I have been drinking too much- a lot actually... I have been drinking more and more. I started bringing bottles of wine to most family/ friend functions to "share." I get a bottle on the way home from work, and once chores are done and children are sleeping and properly cared for, I drink it. It started with glass, and now is a bottle. I noticed lately that after that is gone, I still want more. I recall telling someone who was concerned to loosen up because I drink the "small" (actually regular sized) bottles. I drink most heavenly, when I am all alone in the house. I have had several accidents in which I get bruises and scratches. I still function during the day, but am starting to feel like a zombie at times.
I found a new man in my life- a single father. A wonderful man and father that adores my children and me (and vice versa). With his and family support I am getting past my abusive relationship, financial problems, work issues, and the daily junk we all must surpass. I am hopeful of the future, focusing more at work, trying to be the best a single mom can be, and am back at church and hanging out with family and lost friends. My family has been commenting on my drinking for about the last six months. My ex didn't notice because I actually started drinking with him. My new love has been around me enough to notice "my pattern." When I crashed my vehicle, he was by my side when I needed someone the most. But there is one thing he needs from me... Not me love, because that is his, but for me to stop drinking. Yes, I know that one must stop for themselves and not someone else- hence my issues.
He is kind, supportive, and not pushy. It is simple, he needs me to be sober so we can stay together and have a happy life. And I, would like that life. Since the accident, I have not drank a sip upon their requests. I didn't think I had a problem- until now. I have been tempted to drink every night. The urge hits me like a tidal wave and I obsess about it from 5:30 pm to 9:30pm. I have noticed that family has been lurking around me and keeping me busy in a bundle of fun good old family social events. Parties, game nights, and coming over to give me a hand with this or that. I have literally not been alone on an evening for the last few weeks- hence my few week sobriety.
I broke down and bought a bottle on my lunch break today. Not something I am proud of, but I am never alone so I got the urge and gave in. I am starting to feel resentful against the very people who love me unconditionally. I wish they would give me one night by myself, so I can get a sitter and drink a bottle or so. I tell myself that if I am at home, alone and not bothering anyone else, then I am being responsible. That the only person I can hurt is me, and I am willing to risk that.
So there it is, the truth. I am sitting here, when I should be working, pondering an excuse to get him to not come over tonight so I can have an evening to myself. I know I should stop drinking...that soon I will have to. But, I am not ready...I don't see the harm if I can do it once a week. Do I think I can do it once a week? No. But if I don't do it in front of people then the answer is yes.
So, here I am. Thankful that god has allowed me to keep living and for the many blessings he has given me. Ashamed of what I truly am inside, and torn, torn, torn, torn. I don't see why I can do all the right stuff (pay the bills, care for lil ones and so on) and drink late at night when no one is around. I am so desperate that if I can't get them to not come over, then I will literally start drinking before they come over and brush my teeth. I hate being devious , am terrified of scaring loved ones away, and also annoyed that I am a grown woman and feel like I am being told to do.
So there is the plan folks, I just want one night... Why can't I start on day one tomorrow?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi and Welcome,
You can't start on Day 1 tomorrow because you said you're not ready to stop drinking. You can't do it for anyone else, as you said, but you will need to want to do it for yourself. And, no, if you're an alcoholic, you can't drink once a week. If you could control your drinking, you wouldn't be an alcoholic.
I also thought why can't I drink alone in the evening, if I'm not bothering anyone? You'd be surprised how much your drinking affects the people in your life - your children, your boyfriend, your family. Alcoholics tend to be selfish people and I know I didn't want to believe I was hurting others, but I was.
You can't start on Day 1 tomorrow because you said you're not ready to stop drinking. You can't do it for anyone else, as you said, but you will need to want to do it for yourself. And, no, if you're an alcoholic, you can't drink once a week. If you could control your drinking, you wouldn't be an alcoholic.
I also thought why can't I drink alone in the evening, if I'm not bothering anyone? You'd be surprised how much your drinking affects the people in your life - your children, your boyfriend, your family. Alcoholics tend to be selfish people and I know I didn't want to believe I was hurting others, but I was.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,892
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
I agree that you aren't ready to stop drinking. You might lose your boyfriend over it, but if you aren't ready, you just aren't ready. What is the point of lying to everyone? Just be honest and tell them you don't want to stop drinking and let the chips fall where they may.
I agree that you aren't ready to stop drinking. You might lose your boyfriend over it, but if you aren't ready, you just aren't ready. What is the point of lying to everyone? Just be honest and tell them you don't want to stop drinking and let the chips fall where they may.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
I could always find a reason for "one more night" which soon became one more week and then one more month. You need to make the choice when to quit and hopefully it is before you lose someone special in your life, your job or worse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 38
Dear Beach, THe problem is one more night turns into so many more. I am living proof that you cannot have both. I had a man who loved me and what did I do, I pushed and pushed and pushed because me in my infinite alcoholic wisdom was 'not ready' to give up. He moved out with my two children. And what did I do? I continued to drink, pretending I wasn't. SUre he caught me out from time to time, major crisis and then I continued to get him back where I wanted him. This continued for three months and then finally a month ago I got sober. And do you know what? I still live alone. He and the children have been staying for quite a few nights, but they are not moving back anytime soon as they are just testing the waters. And who knows, maybe we will get back together but perhaps too much crap has gone on for him to want to come back to me. Sure I will have my children back. Sobriety guarantees that. And now that Ihave had a taste of it, sober I intend to stay. But the man I regarded as my soulmate, the love of my life is completely detached from me. Good for him, he is strong now and fully capable of going on to to live a happy life with or without me. As I sit here typing though I am so incredibly sad that i have potentially lost a hell of a lot to a selfish addiction to a drink. Complete insanity.
There is a great life out there sober and I can appreciate it even though my heart is broken. You have every opportunity to turn it around. When I started to get devious I thought it was because I was tired of being told what to do. But perhaps your loved ones are starting to get an idea of what they are willing to put up with in their lives with regard to your drinking. I wish I had never pushed people so far because now the boundaries are no longer with regard to my drinking, but around me. If you don't believe life can get so bad for you you are kidding yourself.
Sorry if I was too overbearing, but Beach, I speak from the heart here.
There is a great life out there sober and I can appreciate it even though my heart is broken. You have every opportunity to turn it around. When I started to get devious I thought it was because I was tired of being told what to do. But perhaps your loved ones are starting to get an idea of what they are willing to put up with in their lives with regard to your drinking. I wish I had never pushed people so far because now the boundaries are no longer with regard to my drinking, but around me. If you don't believe life can get so bad for you you are kidding yourself.
Sorry if I was too overbearing, but Beach, I speak from the heart here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Beach...your post was amazingly truthful and very revealing. Thank you so much for putting it into words and sharing with us.
Sadly, I also get the feeling you are just not ready to quit yet. Unfortunately most of us alcoholics have to run a whole gamut of consequences before it really kicks in that our lives are unmanageable - no matter what we tell ourselves. And I mean really bad consequences: brushes with the law, DUI's, hospital trips, losing family and friends, brushes with death, too.
Unfortunately I had to have a real near death experience to say 'this is IT, I am done'. I am also a mom and could quite easily have left my kids without a mother. It wasn't until that happened that I said 'enough'. And it was enough. But I can't even begin to tell you the huge list of negative events that occurred between the time I realized I had a problem and that day, and none of those I can take back, but they were the start of my journey. I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, sometimes one and a half, which for a long time I told myself wasn't a huge amount. But it was enough for me to mess up my life for the longest time...
I beg you to walk straight to the nearest AA meeting, or go and see your doctor and tell them everything. Once you start that part of the journey you are registering with not only yourself, but others that you need to quit. It's a small step but a very large one in terms of your recovery.
Keep reading and posting. You'll know when you ready to quit.
Sadly, I also get the feeling you are just not ready to quit yet. Unfortunately most of us alcoholics have to run a whole gamut of consequences before it really kicks in that our lives are unmanageable - no matter what we tell ourselves. And I mean really bad consequences: brushes with the law, DUI's, hospital trips, losing family and friends, brushes with death, too.
Unfortunately I had to have a real near death experience to say 'this is IT, I am done'. I am also a mom and could quite easily have left my kids without a mother. It wasn't until that happened that I said 'enough'. And it was enough. But I can't even begin to tell you the huge list of negative events that occurred between the time I realized I had a problem and that day, and none of those I can take back, but they were the start of my journey. I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, sometimes one and a half, which for a long time I told myself wasn't a huge amount. But it was enough for me to mess up my life for the longest time...
I beg you to walk straight to the nearest AA meeting, or go and see your doctor and tell them everything. Once you start that part of the journey you are registering with not only yourself, but others that you need to quit. It's a small step but a very large one in terms of your recovery.
Keep reading and posting. You'll know when you ready to quit.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
If you're not ready, you're not ready. If you're intoxicated every night, I fear for your children in that you just never know what can happen, unexpected ER trip, illness, etc.. I hope they remain safe regardless of your desire to keep drinking. That's really not judgement, just fact.
I also hope that you're going into this relationship with full disclosure. I hope this man is aware that you're an alcoholic, and weighs this out in his decision to have his children in your care or around you if you're going to keep drinking.
It sounds like your family is silently terrified, they're scrambling on how to 'keep' you from drinking. My family did it too. I still drank, and broke them all to pieces.
It's progressive. It effects more people than just us.
I also hope that you're going into this relationship with full disclosure. I hope this man is aware that you're an alcoholic, and weighs this out in his decision to have his children in your care or around you if you're going to keep drinking.
It sounds like your family is silently terrified, they're scrambling on how to 'keep' you from drinking. My family did it too. I still drank, and broke them all to pieces.
It's progressive. It effects more people than just us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you for everyone's feedback. I reread my message and found it to be whiny and self-indulgent. I appreciate your honesty, and apologize for dumping my thoughts into a long diluted post. I may add per the reference of my children, that they are always in the safe, loving hands of a sober adult. That yes, I have been honest with my boyfriend thus far, and no I would never drink around him or our children. Therefore, may it be fact, that they are in safe hands.
I have discussed my feelings with my boyfriend and am going to stick it out tonight. I wish everyone well and am trying to figure out how to delete this account....
Take care
I have discussed my feelings with my boyfriend and am going to stick it out tonight. I wish everyone well and am trying to figure out how to delete this account....
Take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Regardless of how wonderful it is all portrayed to seem...safe kids, wonderful boyfriend, responsible adults....you are still drinking and today is the best to quit. I always wanted to make it sound ok...just to justify my actions. The bills are paid, the kids are fed, homework done, the dishes done, laundry is done, so why can't I drink? I deserve it.
Well, I learned that I also deserve to live a powerful sober life that doesn't include booze.
Don't delete your stuff...were are all in the same boat and do understand your fears.
Well, I learned that I also deserve to live a powerful sober life that doesn't include booze.
Don't delete your stuff...were are all in the same boat and do understand your fears.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
there was a lot of me, old me, in your post...I think giving up was the scariest thing I ever did...but it was also the best.
There's a lot of support here. The door here swings both ways Beachbriel...hope to see you back here sometime
best wishes whatever you decide
D
There's a lot of support here. The door here swings both ways Beachbriel...hope to see you back here sometime
best wishes whatever you decide
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 5
Hello everyone,
I apologize for my earlier post.... I read the responses and I kind of freaked out. I know that I probably have an issue, but I think I am at too early of a stage to be on here....because I still have not accepted that I have a major problem. References to being an "alcoholic" and my children being hurt (my main reason for existing) bothered my very much. Well I am home...and I wasn't good. And I don't feel better- you all were right...I feel worse. Life has been tough and I need to learn how to face issues without drinking. I realize that now...I need to stop. I thought I needed one more night, but I was wrong. I knew I was from the first post. Maybe I just needed to hear it-IDK. I don't know how I let my life get so messed up at a young age.
Thanks for listening
I apologize for my earlier post.... I read the responses and I kind of freaked out. I know that I probably have an issue, but I think I am at too early of a stage to be on here....because I still have not accepted that I have a major problem. References to being an "alcoholic" and my children being hurt (my main reason for existing) bothered my very much. Well I am home...and I wasn't good. And I don't feel better- you all were right...I feel worse. Life has been tough and I need to learn how to face issues without drinking. I realize that now...I need to stop. I thought I needed one more night, but I was wrong. I knew I was from the first post. Maybe I just needed to hear it-IDK. I don't know how I let my life get so messed up at a young age.
Thanks for listening
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
My "one more night"s lasted almost two years, relapsing over and over before I finally 'got it'. I hope it doesn't take you that long to stop. Stick around, lots of support and good information here. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I am so glad that you reconsidered leaving. I give you kudos for realizing that you reacted to things you didn't want to hear, but you know there is some truth there. That's a huge step forward.
I understand that it's very hard to admit to being an alcoholic. I was stunned when I realized that I couldn't control my drinking.
I understand that it's very hard to admit to being an alcoholic. I was stunned when I realized that I couldn't control my drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by beachbriel28 
I wish they would give me one night by myself, so I can get a sitter and drink a bottle or so. I tell myself that if I am at home, alone and not bothering anyone else, then I am being responsible. That the only person I can hurt is me, and I am willing to risk that...
I am not ready...I don't see the harm if I can do it once a week. Do I think I can do it once a week? No. But if I don't do it in front of people then the answer is yes...
So there is the plan folks, I just want one night... Why can't I start on day one tomorrow?
I am not ready...I don't see the harm if I can do it once a week. Do I think I can do it once a week? No. But if I don't do it in front of people then the answer is yes...
So there is the plan folks, I just want one night... Why can't I start on day one tomorrow?
As for drinking at home, alone, and presumably not causing harm, I was once able to drink quite a bit in public, until one day I realized that I was no longer able to drink around other people. Not without drawing too much attention, at least.
I then drank for years, alone, by myself, at home. Not a good way to go, trust me.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,935
I can relate to being ambivalent about sobriety beachbriel. Not exactly sure if I want to quit drinking or not. At some levels drinking kinda worked, yet it didn't. I was caught in addiction and didn't really know what I wanted to do but I needed to do something. Because the overall feel of my life was not right.
Stick around SR, decide what what you would like to do. Maybe it is time for a positive change in your life.
Stick around SR, decide what what you would like to do. Maybe it is time for a positive change in your life.
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