I'm back because I need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 236
I'm back because I need help
...but I decided to come back because I need support and frankly I've never experienced support like I have here.
I had a really rough day at work yesterday. REALLY rough. My advisor basically called me a liar - said he didn't believe me about something (something about which I was NOT lying). I've never been told "I don't believe you" so many times before - especially when I wasn't lying. I try not to outright deceive people - I may avoid saying some things when I feel people would be hurt by them, but when asked outright, I tell the truth. And he simply did not believe me until I proved that I was telling the truth. Even then, he did not admit he was wrong and that I was not lying (that's just how he is) but he did say that we should just move forward from this incident and that was his version of "ok, you were right." I want him to apologize, but I know that he never will. It's hard for me to work with someone who doesn't trust me and who calls me a liar. I don't like that. It was an incorrect assessment and I feel I deserve to be acknowledged as correct in this situation.
Anyway. All that being said, I feel really really compelled to use some kind of substance to take all the pain away. I don't know how to exist with myself in this kind of pain. I texted my therapist (she's away on vacation) and talked with my psychiatrist, but at the end of the day I'm alone with myself and I'm uncomfortable with that. I feel bad. I feel sad and slighted. I feel like I'm a bad person even though I know that I wasn't lying. I feel like I want to drink or get high to make this go away - though I know that it won't, ultimately, make anything better. But I'm so tired of feeling the way I feel that I will do anything to make it go away. I just need to find an "anything" that ISN'T drugs or alcohol. Any suggestions on how to deal with a really sh*tty situation for which you have no solution or reconciliation?
I had a really rough day at work yesterday. REALLY rough. My advisor basically called me a liar - said he didn't believe me about something (something about which I was NOT lying). I've never been told "I don't believe you" so many times before - especially when I wasn't lying. I try not to outright deceive people - I may avoid saying some things when I feel people would be hurt by them, but when asked outright, I tell the truth. And he simply did not believe me until I proved that I was telling the truth. Even then, he did not admit he was wrong and that I was not lying (that's just how he is) but he did say that we should just move forward from this incident and that was his version of "ok, you were right." I want him to apologize, but I know that he never will. It's hard for me to work with someone who doesn't trust me and who calls me a liar. I don't like that. It was an incorrect assessment and I feel I deserve to be acknowledged as correct in this situation.
Anyway. All that being said, I feel really really compelled to use some kind of substance to take all the pain away. I don't know how to exist with myself in this kind of pain. I texted my therapist (she's away on vacation) and talked with my psychiatrist, but at the end of the day I'm alone with myself and I'm uncomfortable with that. I feel bad. I feel sad and slighted. I feel like I'm a bad person even though I know that I wasn't lying. I feel like I want to drink or get high to make this go away - though I know that it won't, ultimately, make anything better. But I'm so tired of feeling the way I feel that I will do anything to make it go away. I just need to find an "anything" that ISN'T drugs or alcohol. Any suggestions on how to deal with a really sh*tty situation for which you have no solution or reconciliation?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I have to pray. Not the traditional way that I was taught growing up mind you but kind of in a meditative way.
That must have been very difficult for you to go through.
I always remember that I don't know what others may be struggling with when I deal with situations like that. It doesn't make it hurt less but it often helps me heal just a little more quickly.
That must have been very difficult for you to go through.
I always remember that I don't know what others may be struggling with when I deal with situations like that. It doesn't make it hurt less but it often helps me heal just a little more quickly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 236
You're right. What he said/did was a reflection of him and not me. It was his perception of me, and that is hard to accept. But ultimately, they were his feelings and not mine and all I can do is improve my own behavior and actions and let it go. I must let it go. If he is willing to move forward, then I should be as well. I would love an apology but it's not going to happen and I know that and I need to accept that, deal with it, and move on with the integrity I know I have.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Well, first of all what this co-worker thinks of you is none of your business. You can't afford to make it your business. It will eat at you. You know your truth. Just ignore him, and keep doing the right thing.
You can't control what he thinks of you, and to let him control you with his actions hurts you.
He can't make you do anything.
We react to how people hurt us, threaten our security, our self-esteem, and we hurt ourselves over it. We can stop doing this.
Whether he trusts you or not, you don't drink. You don't hurt yourself, over this person's actions.
Listen to an open talk, AA speaker recording to take your mind off of it. Call the AA hotline and talk with a member of AA. Go to a meeting tomorrow. Read the AA big book if you have it.
Take your mind off the problem which you have no control over, and take action to calm yourself, and be productive.
Drinking lessens our ability to be able to cope. It makes us weak. It goes against our natural instinct for survival. Don't hurt yourself over this.
Check out this site, and listen to a speaker...it may help...
Make A Begining in AA: PPG Lynbrook
You can't control what he thinks of you, and to let him control you with his actions hurts you.
He can't make you do anything.
We react to how people hurt us, threaten our security, our self-esteem, and we hurt ourselves over it. We can stop doing this.
Whether he trusts you or not, you don't drink. You don't hurt yourself, over this person's actions.
Listen to an open talk, AA speaker recording to take your mind off of it. Call the AA hotline and talk with a member of AA. Go to a meeting tomorrow. Read the AA big book if you have it.
Take your mind off the problem which you have no control over, and take action to calm yourself, and be productive.
Drinking lessens our ability to be able to cope. It makes us weak. It goes against our natural instinct for survival. Don't hurt yourself over this.
Check out this site, and listen to a speaker...it may help...
Make A Begining in AA: PPG Lynbrook
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Ugh, defying, what a sh*tty day! I feel for you. There's nothing worse than someone accusing you of lying when you are being utterly truthful - and even worse, dismissed once it comes to light that you have been honest. I don't know if anyone else feels this, but once I became sober, it became very, very important to be seen as an honest person. Very important. To have anyone question my honesty now would really get my back up, and with anything at all, not just my sobriety.
Good for you for acknowledging how testing this situation is on you and your well being. Hopefully writing it out here and getting validation from others that is IS a cr*ppy situation will make you feel less like taking a step back in your sobriety. Sleep on it for a few days, if you can, write out the thoughts on some paper. At the end of the day, YOU know you are a honest person, and it's okay to feel sad if someone doesn't view you that way. I'm sure he's forgotten all about it now. I bet he doesn't even know how sad you feel about it. GRRR!!!
Good for you for acknowledging how testing this situation is on you and your well being. Hopefully writing it out here and getting validation from others that is IS a cr*ppy situation will make you feel less like taking a step back in your sobriety. Sleep on it for a few days, if you can, write out the thoughts on some paper. At the end of the day, YOU know you are a honest person, and it's okay to feel sad if someone doesn't view you that way. I'm sure he's forgotten all about it now. I bet he doesn't even know how sad you feel about it. GRRR!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 236
You guys are SO right (I knew I came here for a reason!) - all I can do is control my reactions to the situation. I can react with class and integrity and prove to him that I am a trustworthy and respectable person.
And you're right, he probably has forgotten about it - that's so typical of him - and will go on like nothing happened. I need to accept that and deal with it. My anger is only hurting me at this point.
And you're right, he probably has forgotten about it - that's so typical of him - and will go on like nothing happened. I need to accept that and deal with it. My anger is only hurting me at this point.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
The big book says, when someone offends us that they may be spiritually sick, and that we ask God to save us from being angry.
We will then be in much less danger of foolish decisions.
How It Works
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.
How It Works
God save me from being angry.
Into Action
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
We will then be in much less danger of foolish decisions.
How It Works
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.
How It Works
God save me from being angry.
Into Action
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
We give good advice here
I'm glad you're feeling a little more settled - I agree that this is your advisors problem
Dwelling on it, when it's out of your power to fix, can only be counter productive.
Good to have you back!
D
I'm glad you're feeling a little more settled - I agree that this is your advisors problem
Dwelling on it, when it's out of your power to fix, can only be counter productive.
Good to have you back!
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
The others are right...you can't fix his problems only yours. But making yourself better for him is not the thing to do...if you have to make yourself better do it for you.
Wishing you peace and hopefully you'll have a restful evening.
Wishing you peace and hopefully you'll have a restful evening.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I agree this is his issue- but the hurt you feel is real.
In our addiction we want to make these feelings go away quickly- but how are you supposed to feel in this situation? the challenge is avoiding he drugs or spiralling into righteous anger (then drinking anyway as well !!)
what about something that gives you a physical sensation- hard exercise, or a hot or cold shower? (just a thought- as this will be a big challenge for me when something like this happens)
In our addiction we want to make these feelings go away quickly- but how are you supposed to feel in this situation? the challenge is avoiding he drugs or spiralling into righteous anger (then drinking anyway as well !!)
what about something that gives you a physical sensation- hard exercise, or a hot or cold shower? (just a thought- as this will be a big challenge for me when something like this happens)
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
So you're angry with your advisor at work, but drinking to numb your feelings isn't the solution.
Getting drunk because of resentment towards another person is like drinking poision and hoping they will die.
I don't know if you do AA, but the Big Book talks about resentment being "the number 1 offender" in terms of relapse. It might help to read it.
Getting drunk because of resentment towards another person is like drinking poision and hoping they will die.
I don't know if you do AA, but the Big Book talks about resentment being "the number 1 offender" in terms of relapse. It might help to read it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
What he "thinks" resides outside of you. You have no control over that.
We have a thousand reputations out there - none of which we have control over. We only have control over ourselves.
You know what you know to be the truth. And good for you, you spoke your mind when pressed.
I know its probably going to sound stupid; but sometimes I have to say thank you for the blessings that recovery brings to us, and the value in working a program.
There are an awful lot of non-addicted people out there walking through life with blinders on, and who don't know the value of apologizing when apologies are due. My recovery has blessed me in that respect.
We have a thousand reputations out there - none of which we have control over. We only have control over ourselves.
You know what you know to be the truth. And good for you, you spoke your mind when pressed.
I know its probably going to sound stupid; but sometimes I have to say thank you for the blessings that recovery brings to us, and the value in working a program.
There are an awful lot of non-addicted people out there walking through life with blinders on, and who don't know the value of apologizing when apologies are due. My recovery has blessed me in that respect.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Hey DG - so much great advice here. I know I'm a little late to the plate, but I learned something once from someone very wise (dear old mom) that I finally practice. When someone upsets me, or wrongs me, my first instinct is to drink, or smoke up a storm, or do SOMETHING destructive. But all it does is hurt yourself, and that person just keeps on living like nothing happened. You are worth more than that! Glad you found some peace and know that what YOU know in your heart, is most important. Hope today is a better day.
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