That beast in my dream
 

This is day 4. That should be a good start but I have had a hundred day 4's during the last 10 years. It's so easy and then a slip and I'm right back at it again. And I'm tired of it.

Two weeks ago my daughter graduated from the 5th grade and was selected to read an essay on the dangers of drugs and alcohol. I was (am) extremely proud of her composure on stage, her ability to speak with passion and communicate her feelings so clearly. But I never heard the message.

Last Saturday, while watching fireworks, she took my hand looked up at me and said, "Dad, I wrote that essay for you". I could have cried (and am just about to now) and vowed to try again. The next day was fathers day and usually a good excuse to get stinkng drunk. Instead it was day one, the first day in 6 months I hadn't had a drink. It felt good.

Not any more. It is a persistant whisper in my ear, a trumping in my head, a constant ache for alcohol. I really, really want to drink. Last night I wanted it so bad I went bed early so I wouldn't think about it...

... and suddenly found myself at the neighborhood bar trying to get out before I caved in and drank with the other regulars. I would push on the door and it would open a few inches and then someone (something?) was pushing on the other side pushing it closed and the regulars were calling me back to the bar, to buy me some drinks and it would so easy to give up and join them. But I would try again but the door wouldn't open as far and I could hear my daughter outside imploring me "Keep pushing Dad!" But the beast behind the door was relentless and strong. My body felt like it was burning and I was fatigued to point of collapse when...

... I woke up drenched in sweat, my pillow and sheets soaked. I was heaving/gasping to catch my breath and my head thumped and my whole body ached. Halfway to bathroom my legs cramped and then my stomach and I collapsed, dragging myself into bathroom, dry heaving into the toilet.

I'm scared. I'm afraid to go to bed tonight. I don't want another nightmare like that. I'm afraid the beast will win. I'm afraid I will die in my sleep. I'm afraid to tell anyone.

The written word has always been a therapy for me and I feel a little better letting this out. More tomorrow, I hope

Welcome to Sober Recovery! My kids are a big part of the reason I decided to quit, if I couldn't do it for myself I decided to do it for them. Ask your daughter for a copy of her essay and keep it in your pocket to read during difficult times, what a great reminder! Please if your having difficulties with detox go see your doctor they can help!

Hi StreamWader

Dreams like that are pretty common in early recovery - they never seem to last for too long tho...I hope you'll sleep easier tonight :)

It is possible to change our lives, leave alcohol behind, and be the people we really want to be - you'll find the proof everywhere here - and a lot of support too :)

Welcome!
D

hi StreamWader, days 4 and 5 are tough... i just went through the most horrid withdrawal myself (which is very fresh in my mind). you'll get better, just give it a few more days.
waking up in sweat is a good thing, although unpleasant... your body is getting rid of toxins. i couldn't eat for 5 days and could barely sleep. just like you i was afraid of not waking up if i went to sleep.

today is day 10, which is the longest i've been without a sip of alcohol in god knows how long. i can smile, the sun is shining again and i cannot believe that at this moment last week i was thinking that that would be the end of my days.

humans are very resilient... people have survived far worse things than that. i promise that it will get better. please come back here and let us know how you are doing, each minute without alcohol is a win for you.

A good scare maybe all we need to stay on the bright side.
Bikeguy has a great idea to save a copy and take it out often -everytime you get a craving.

I hadn't had many or any dreams that I thought had any impact on my quitting -except the past two night. Very odd. After almost 5 months. One dream I was literally fighting my daughter but neither one of us could get a grip on the other, everything was a slo-mo swimming in jello feeling. There were 'bad guys' in my dream and I'm not sure if she was keeping me from 'heading back' or what? Can be scary.

I did alot of 'resting' in the early days. If I fell asleep that was fine, if not, that was fine, too. When I slept I 'really' slept. Our bodies need that to rejuvinate.
Wishing you peace and strength.

The using dreams I had started to fade away, along with the cravings as I mover farther from my last drug/drink.

I can relate to the dreams... they are VERY common in early recovery. I have not had a drink in 4 days and had been literally drunk for 8 years.

Something that gets me through is thinking that I am not passing/blacking out to go to sleep or vomiting in my sleep from being intoxicated... so chances are good that if I go to bed sober.. I will wake up :)

Welcome and best wishes

Yea, it's pretty scary, change. Seems like you are doin just fine, day 4 - congrats!

Keep coming back!

Welcome Tuesday24 and StreamWader...:wavey:...:wavey:
..that can be true for you too.
This really can be your final go round with drinking...many of us are winning over alcohol

Please do keep posting...:yup:

I never had dreams as vivid as I did when I was detoxing. They were truly terrifying.

The urge to drink is so strong, I know. I got a lot of strength from Rational Recovery's AVRT technique. It just helped me to realize what was really me and what was the alcoholic talking.

You have no reason to drink. None! Anything else your mind is telling you is just not true.

Keep posting!

Welcome to SR and hang on. You will have to go to sleep. Sleep is probably the most important thing for you, don't you think? Could you leave the TV on? Or, could you win the pushing fight? Could you replace the "regulars" with something else?

I think your daughter writing that essay for your is more important than this. You've had bad dreams before--we all have. You can do this.

Be sure and let us know how you do.

It is morning and I had the sweats again last night, but no dreams. I still ache but getting out of bed seems easier. I like to think I feel a little stronger today. This morning, day 5, I'm thinking I can make it week. I can't remember the last time I went a week without drinking. One day at a time, and if that doesn't work, 1 hour at a time.

Bikeguy - Thanks for the essay idea. I have also loaded the video of her speech on to my work computer so I can watch before leaving work. Stopping at the bar on my way home has been a habit for over 20 years.

Serious - Thanks for the detox/night sweat comment. Waking up soaking wet scared me but after your comment I googled and indeed found a lot of info and that ns are common when quiting.

good to hear you are feeling slightly better, during the early days it's just these tiny moments of internal strength that will keep you going. you'll see, in a few more days and you'll feel stronger and stronger. imaging getting over a bad flu... you are going through something similar, but hopefully much more positive in the long run.

I sweat like a pig for two weeks! LOL And the dreams actually helped me not to drink as crazy as that may sound!!!

Alcoholics have the craving of the body (physiology) and the obsession of the mind that we cannot control. You can't do it alone and an essay from your daughter cannot (though unfortunate) keep you from drinking. The obsession is stronger than our will and this is why we need the help of other alcoholics hence this site and all the great support groups out there. This is also why so many of us have first days only to drink again.

Are you getting outside support? Just curious. I couldn't do it without my other alcoholic peeps. :)

I hope you sleep better. The scary thing is that the nightmare was your life. The dream was a just a powerful message to you