sbernard

My husband recently returned from a 35 day rehab in Florida for cocaine. He insists on staying with his parents for the next couple of weeks instead of coming home. I have been blind sided by his decision. We talked the entire time he was in and everything was fine. He says he is having a hard time forgiving his self for what he did to me and the fincinal burden he has put me in. I love him and want him to come home so we can start our new life of recovery. He tells me that he doesn't like himself right now and he has to be happy and like his self to make me happy. Will someone please help me understand what is going on. I attend regular Al Anon meetings for comfort. But still am having a very hard time. I am leaving him alone and giving him his space like he asked. I am doomed or doing the right thing?

yeahgr8

IMO you are doing the right thing, there is no way that he will have recovered from his addiction in 35 days! It is an ongoing process which hopefully he will jump into now he has left the intial push that one can get from rehab...maybe it is just that he feels guilty but i bet there is a whole lot of fear about returning to the same environment as he left 35 days ago...give him space and support and keep working on yourself in al-anon would be my advice:-)

Anna

I'm glad that you are going to AlAnon for support.

I think it's understandable to feel a great deal of guilt and shame over what we've done in active addiction. I'm not sure why your husband is choosing to not return home, but hopefully you can keep the communication open and begin to heal together.

Dee74

Hi sbernard
Welcome to SR

None of us here can look into your husbands head - I hope tho that, whatever his reasons, they are healthy ones based on his desire to be a good husband and partner and he will be back with you soon

You may also find our Family and Friends forums useful to you:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

wellwisher

I am a recovering alcoholic who went the detox, rehab and AA route to sobriety.

I was taught during my rehab that I needed to change everything up in my early sobriety in order to succeed in my recovery, and for me that meant a temporary seperation from my present SO. I lived in a small fishing community and the environment I lived in was replete with other drinkers, pot smokers, and many who lived life a bit differently from what I wanted at the time. I had to focus on my early sobriety and recovery.

I am happy to say that although I am sober 17 years, we are still together and just celebrated our 20 year anniversary. I strongly feel that if I went right back into my situation at the time, I would have struggled a bit more to regain my sobriety, and would have had no choice but to leave permanently. It was a tough choice, but one I don't regret.

While I am not promising you a bed of roses or a happy outcome, I would encourage you to keep going to Al-Anon and work on your recovery. The solution may be to just concentrate on working on both recoveries to provide a strong foundation for future happiness and growth.

All my best...

sbernard

Thank you wellwisher...your words give me encouragement and hope. I am working on myself as well he is working on himself. The more time that goes by i am adjusting to it and understand a lot more. He said "this is going to benenfit us both in the long run. He seems nervous around me in person and distant and very talkative and more relaxed over the phone. He does tell me he loves me and now says he can't stand to be away but this is something he has to do. I am respecting his wishes and giving him space. He says he is coming to mow the grass this saturday because he is still responsible for his duties at home. He said " the hardest thing he ever did was to leave me and go to rehab, but he did it. And i could do this for him." So maybe he is serious and i don't have anything to be concerned with. We are both attending meeting, him more than me of coarse, so i'm putting it in God's hands and his will be done.

eaglette

A lot of people do not feel that they can return to the place they left after departing from rehab. In recovery, people are taught that the only thing which has to change is everything. After my BF came back from rehab, he did not move, but there was a distance between us which I did not understand. It took me a long time to figure out and accept that both of us needed time to work on ourselves. We are still together and happy to be so, but we are both working on ourselves separately. The separation is normal. Your husband will need to focus on himself for a while as he recovers and may not be prepared yet to handle all the work involved in reconciling your relationship.