bexxed

When I was using, it was a secret from the people in my life. I had some drug friends, but very few. It was my own private thing. 95% of the time I got high was privately, and for almost a full year I was permanently wired, daily. I wanted to stop within two months but it took one very scary event much later to make me really kick. I didn't use a program because in my mind at the time I didn't have a problem if I knew WHY I was getting high. haha. I had a trigger, and that was all the excuse I needed. To this day I know that no members of my family and none of my good friends know that in 2002 I spent tens of thousands of dollars on cocaine and came close to killing myself with it. In some sense I don't even remember... it's like a different life. I did coke once since- in 2006. It took a month for me to get over that one night- physically, emotionally, spiritually. I wanted more so bad, and it was so hard to fight, because I felt so horrible and isolated. But still, I blamed it on the drug. I wrote in my journal as recently as last year that "that drug is so intense, it sucks the life out of you" as reason for why I will never do it again. Because it's all about the drug?

Same thing with tobacco. I really did quit last year, but for the last five years, my friends thought I'd quit, and my family never knew I started.

Now I stopped drinking and I feel like I've hit a wall. I think that some of my friends had an idea or two about alcohol and me perhaps, but in some circles people have viewed me as the picture of health, the one who truly just has a glass of wine with dinner and never rages or does anything risky, which is what people with alcohol problems do. But they have no idea what happened behind my door. On top of that I'm facing the fact that I have lived a creepy isolated life where I perpetuate the latest lie I want people to believe, and shut myself out in my own private poison.

Someone posted about watching how much others drink. I, also by training and by my nature, am a very observant person, to the extent that I monitor the looks of my recycling box, etc. because I know that those are things I notice. I have not been very good about minding my own business or being honest, among many other things, and rewiring my noggin to change that way of thinking and being feels like such an enormous, but spiritually vital project right now.

Anyway, this vent was all a lead up to say that I told someone outside of those meetings and people here. I am terrified to talk to anyone about this, because I don't want to deal with any explanations, I want nonjudgment, and I know I won't get it. Really, I want control. lol. But a work friend asked me about this Saturday night. If we go out she usually stays at my place and usually drinks more wine than me. (and yes, I monitor that.) She said that she wanted to do a yoga class in the morning, so we shouldn't drink too much on Saturday. She always says that. I told her I wouldn't be drinking at all, and eluded to why, and listened to her careful silence. She said, "ok, let's go to a movie then! great!".

Can you believe it. I'm going out to a movie on Saturday, and probably making it to Sunday morning yoga. And I told someone that I'm imperfect. I don't know if anyone out there has a similar pathology, or can relate to any of this, but I gotta say. Wow. It's a great feeling, letting it out. I feel a little less in my head and a little lighter, too. Thanks for "listening".

Zencat

Venting is good.

Addiction is nasty and for many, its because of personal reasons. I could not pull off the picture of health thing. My addiction leaked out into my actions, words, beliefs, thoughts, warping my personality and perspective.

Nothing like a total overhaul of everything inside and out to get set on the right path for healthy living.