New to the Website, Looking for Support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Bowling Green, OH
Posts: 7
New to the Website, Looking for Support
I'm not really sure where to start. I'm a 29 year old single mom who has been sober for just over a year. I got sober with my neighbor, who is now the man in my life. He's my main person I go to with all my issues relating to recovery, but I'm looking for something more, feel like I need women in my life to help me through. I've gone to a few A.A. and N.A. meetings but the ones in my area just haven't been for me, I live in a college town and most of the people there are court-ordered and it's definitely not anonymous. Anyway, I'm looking to really delve into recovery, my boyfriend likes to say I quit drinking but that's about it. I think I'm a little further into the process than that but I definitely still have unresolved issues.
Right now I'm trying to figure out how to start the rest of my life. I'm currently out of work, have failed everytime I've ever attempted going to college, and feel like all I have to stand on is a string of bad choices from my past. A lot of my family relationships have been strained and I'm at the point where most of my "friends" were nothing more than people to party with. I'm starting to feel very alone and insecure, not sure if I can really stand on my own two feet, everytime I've ever tried in the past I have failed. This last time it really shook me because I was sober, but I still couldn't manage to organize my life enough to complete my last semester at school, and I lost my job back in February and still haven't found anything. I struggle a lot with motivation, putting one foot in front of another without someone directing me. I don't know, I feel like I lost a part of myself when I gave up my old life and my old ways of thinking and I'm not even sure where to go from here. Kind of like I'm stuck between my past and my future if that makes any sense.
I'm hoping to grow into the person I'm intended to be, someone my son can be proud to call his mother. Just feel like there is a giant brick wall standing in my way and I don't have the tools to break through it.
I guess I'm at the "Step 4" stage of recovery, taking that moral inventory, my flaws becoming more and more glaring each day that I can no longer deny it, God puts it in front of me each day and says "Deal with this!" and I say "No, its scary, maybe tomorrow". Trying to overcome the fear, I've been praying hard and keeping the faith as much as I can, trying to forgive myself along the way but it has started becoming too much for me to do on my own. I'm not trying to be difficult by not attending meetings, I just cannot go to the ones here in the area for personal reasons, maybe one day I will be able to but at this point its a firm decision I've made. I do believe in the program though, in staying in touch with people with the same affliction on a regular basis with the consistant goal of growing closer to God and improving yourself and passing that gift onto others.
Another issue I'm finding is that I really am an emotional basket case. I hid it a lot more when I was still drinking and everything else. These days I don't even know really how to handle intense emotion, it comes in like a giant wave and its all I can do to keep my head above water. Sometimes I get flashes of instances from my past, just flooding memories of crazy times. And lots of dreams, lots and lots of using dreams. I had those when I was pregnant too though I would dream of smoking cigarettes as completely lame as all that sounds...lol
I'm facing a lot of issues on my road back to being a productive member of society. I'm trying to enroll in the community college here in the area and I have to do an appeal that goes through my bad string of courses from the Fall of 2001-Fall 2004. To be honest, I can't even remember for sure where I was living or working some of that time for sure. I know general time frames, but the real way the events transpired are almost a mystery to me, I was so caught up in every lie I told, every explanation I gave, every way I got out of yet another mistake I honestly think I've blocked some of what really happened out of my head completely. This all must sound so ridiculous, and to be perfectly honest I feel crazy admitting to any of it. But that's what we're supposed to be doing right? Holding ourselves accountable? If I knew one day I was gonna have to face all this maybe I would have acted a little more ladylike!
I'm sorry for rambling on, and before I get called out for it, I did copy and paste this from another board that I shared this on. Its just exhausting typing the same thing over and over, I hope that doesn't offend anyone.
I'm looking forward to meeting new people who are going through similar trials and tribulations, hopefully find a way through the mess I've created for myself over the last 10-15 years and start walking the path my feet were meant to.
Thanks in advance for any words of advice, wisdom, or support. I'm open to anything at this point. Really feel like I hit rock bottom again even without drugs and alcohol helping me to get there.
Right now I'm trying to figure out how to start the rest of my life. I'm currently out of work, have failed everytime I've ever attempted going to college, and feel like all I have to stand on is a string of bad choices from my past. A lot of my family relationships have been strained and I'm at the point where most of my "friends" were nothing more than people to party with. I'm starting to feel very alone and insecure, not sure if I can really stand on my own two feet, everytime I've ever tried in the past I have failed. This last time it really shook me because I was sober, but I still couldn't manage to organize my life enough to complete my last semester at school, and I lost my job back in February and still haven't found anything. I struggle a lot with motivation, putting one foot in front of another without someone directing me. I don't know, I feel like I lost a part of myself when I gave up my old life and my old ways of thinking and I'm not even sure where to go from here. Kind of like I'm stuck between my past and my future if that makes any sense.
I'm hoping to grow into the person I'm intended to be, someone my son can be proud to call his mother. Just feel like there is a giant brick wall standing in my way and I don't have the tools to break through it.
I guess I'm at the "Step 4" stage of recovery, taking that moral inventory, my flaws becoming more and more glaring each day that I can no longer deny it, God puts it in front of me each day and says "Deal with this!" and I say "No, its scary, maybe tomorrow". Trying to overcome the fear, I've been praying hard and keeping the faith as much as I can, trying to forgive myself along the way but it has started becoming too much for me to do on my own. I'm not trying to be difficult by not attending meetings, I just cannot go to the ones here in the area for personal reasons, maybe one day I will be able to but at this point its a firm decision I've made. I do believe in the program though, in staying in touch with people with the same affliction on a regular basis with the consistant goal of growing closer to God and improving yourself and passing that gift onto others.
Another issue I'm finding is that I really am an emotional basket case. I hid it a lot more when I was still drinking and everything else. These days I don't even know really how to handle intense emotion, it comes in like a giant wave and its all I can do to keep my head above water. Sometimes I get flashes of instances from my past, just flooding memories of crazy times. And lots of dreams, lots and lots of using dreams. I had those when I was pregnant too though I would dream of smoking cigarettes as completely lame as all that sounds...lol
I'm facing a lot of issues on my road back to being a productive member of society. I'm trying to enroll in the community college here in the area and I have to do an appeal that goes through my bad string of courses from the Fall of 2001-Fall 2004. To be honest, I can't even remember for sure where I was living or working some of that time for sure. I know general time frames, but the real way the events transpired are almost a mystery to me, I was so caught up in every lie I told, every explanation I gave, every way I got out of yet another mistake I honestly think I've blocked some of what really happened out of my head completely. This all must sound so ridiculous, and to be perfectly honest I feel crazy admitting to any of it. But that's what we're supposed to be doing right? Holding ourselves accountable? If I knew one day I was gonna have to face all this maybe I would have acted a little more ladylike!
I'm sorry for rambling on, and before I get called out for it, I did copy and paste this from another board that I shared this on. Its just exhausting typing the same thing over and over, I hope that doesn't offend anyone.
I'm looking forward to meeting new people who are going through similar trials and tribulations, hopefully find a way through the mess I've created for myself over the last 10-15 years and start walking the path my feet were meant to.
Thanks in advance for any words of advice, wisdom, or support. I'm open to anything at this point. Really feel like I hit rock bottom again even without drugs and alcohol helping me to get there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome EmmyLou 
I came here much the same as you - a lot of wreckage behind me, a desire to stop drinking, but not really sure how to make that stick, or what else to do besides not drink.
I found SR to be great for me - I really encourage you to post and read around as much as you like
For me, the support was important for me to help me stay quit. Once I got that phase down, I could look at my life with my new fresh perspective and see the many things that needed fixing - I found support here for that process too
Good to have you with us
D
I came here much the same as you - a lot of wreckage behind me, a desire to stop drinking, but not really sure how to make that stick, or what else to do besides not drink.
I found SR to be great for me - I really encourage you to post and read around as much as you like
For me, the support was important for me to help me stay quit. Once I got that phase down, I could look at my life with my new fresh perspective and see the many things that needed fixing - I found support here for that process too
Good to have you with us
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. We're a good lot and offer all our support.
With the help of this wonderful site (and my addiction counselor) I've been sober now for 18 months and have moved past the mess that used to be me.
:ghug3
With the help of this wonderful site (and my addiction counselor) I've been sober now for 18 months and have moved past the mess that used to be me. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
If you are from Bowling Green, you aren't too far from Findley or from the suburbs of Toledo. I can understand why you might not want to attend AA meetings in a college town. But you should have hundreds of meetings available to you within a relatively short driving distance. They may be a little more inconvenient to attend than around the corner or just down the street, but certainly doable. You are needlessly depriving yourself of a ready made support network and recovery resources. I would encourage you to reconsider your firm decision and find meetings in an adjacent community. Susan
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
I agree with susanlauren.
You are what, about 15 miles from the southern part of Toledo? I'm sure there are a bunch of AA meetings in Toledo, and probably a few "women only" meetings. The women I know in AA (I'm a man) really enjoy their women only meetings.
You are what, about 15 miles from the southern part of Toledo? I'm sure there are a bunch of AA meetings in Toledo, and probably a few "women only" meetings. The women I know in AA (I'm a man) really enjoy their women only meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Welcome Emmylou
I found SR when I was a year sober. I suppose it was time for me to get some support, even though I didn't know I needed it. I'm glad you found us. You change and your recovery change, that's the beauty of sober living.
I live in Dayton but I'm from Toledo so I know the area. I don't know about AA support meetings but you could check out SMART online or see if they have a local meeting.
After a year I looked at who I was and decided I liked myself. Once I figured out what I liked, because of who I was, I found a purpose for me. I stopped making decisions based on other peoples' and my ego.
It doesn't matter a hoot what people think about what I do with my time or life.
I'm so glad you are sober. It's so great to be free of the beast.
SH
I found SR when I was a year sober. I suppose it was time for me to get some support, even though I didn't know I needed it. I'm glad you found us. You change and your recovery change, that's the beauty of sober living.
I live in Dayton but I'm from Toledo so I know the area. I don't know about AA support meetings but you could check out SMART online or see if they have a local meeting.
After a year I looked at who I was and decided I liked myself. Once I figured out what I liked, because of who I was, I found a purpose for me. I stopped making decisions based on other peoples' and my ego.
It doesn't matter a hoot what people think about what I do with my time or life.
I'm so glad you are sober. It's so great to be free of the beast.
SH
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by EmmyLouSunshine 
I'm looking to really delve into recovery, my boyfriend likes to say I quit drinking but that's about it. I think I'm a little further into the process than that but I definitely still have unresolved issues.
Originally Posted by EmmyLouSunshine
I struggle a lot with motivation, putting one foot in front of another without someone directing me. I don't know, I feel like I lost a part of myself when I gave up my old life and my old ways of thinking and I'm not even sure where to go from here. Kind of like I'm stuck between my past and my future if that makes any sense.
I've found it's real easy to identify the places in my life where I am deficient and beat myself up about it. What is hard for me is identifying the areas where I am strong and motivated. But I have those areas. For instance, my recovery--I am 110% motivated about my recovery. And I am motivated to be a better, loving husband. I'm motivated to grow my faith as a Catholic. I'm trying to reconnect with family and friends whom I neglected when I was drinking. I volunteer with a canine rescue group and with an arts organization that helps the mentally challenged...
...So there are plenty of places where I'm motivated. And if you took a look at your life, a hard look, and looked for the positive I am sure you'd find it. Maybe in what you do as a mother, and as a girlfriend. Look at how you've jumped in SR, guns a blazing. How admirable it that.
My point is this. We drunks are great at beating ourselves up. But the reality is there are going to be parts of our lives that might not improve as much as we like. But there are a whole lot of parts that have gotten better and will get better for you, Emmy, as you work on your recovery. And I sense you are motivated there!
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