Peter G

This is a long one folks, so please bare with it:

I went ahead and did it. I screwed up and had a relapse after so much sober time. For me it's the longest (by far) I've been sober in my entire adult life. I'm just sad now, not even angry, and more than a little disappointed in how easily it happened. But that's no longer the whole story.

First off, the possible reasons why I relapsed: well, I was doing fine and working a solid program, but I had a job offer up-coming, and it was being delayed and frustrated by agents and club construction. As well, the club owner had heard of my reputation as a boozer so he asked me if it would be a problem. That news kinda hit me a bit, like an ice cream headache can. I told him I am sober as a judge and to not worry in the least, which I truly believed and subsequently he mentioned it was not a problem. After all, the other musicians were vouching for my abilities and skill, so I had a leg up on any reputation of drinking. And thankfully this job was to be in a city far away from my usual haunts, where my past debauchery would mostly not be talked about to much an extent. As for my plan for staying sober on the gig, a good friend from here sent me a link to the local AA in that city, and I knew that once I arrived I would hook up with AA immediately and continue working a solid program. Things were looking good.

Then, in comes the further delays on the club opening, further frustrations keeping in touch with the club manager and agent, and while I had received enough money to get ready to go for the gig, and then hurry up and wait, after not hearing anything for a few weeks I simply took some money and bought a bottle. Then another, then another, and so on, until I had around an 9 day, 12 bottle relapse.

This time, again I DID end up in the hospital, as the withdrawal was at least as bad as the 1 that eventually drove me to sobriety, with the added fears of serious, pounding chest pains. More stomach problems, warnings that I may have pancreatic problems (which blood tests thankfully proved negative) and was told I have fairly serious liver damage. Turns out the chest pain was just my gastritus issues manifesting up to my chest and irritating my pancreas. Anyways, long story short, I'm 5 days sober again today and with Dr assisted detox I feel much better physically, but here's where the story gets interesting, if not tragic.

Today, 5 days sober and trying to resolve that I have to begin my program over again and be more vigilant NOT to allow complacency and not ever again to let anything get in the way of my sobriety, I find out my wife is having an affair. Found some text msgs by accident that were very explicit, talking about things with this guy that were disgusting and vile to me. I won't get into specifics but it literally grossed me out, and to make an understatement, it has devastated me far more than the relapse has. I never had a clue, and judging by the nature of these msgs it's been going on quite a while.

I confronted her and she immediately tried to deny it, until I recited to her the msgs I read, then she simply said what did you expect? She basically said my drinking drove me to it! Completely blamed me until offering me some small apology and walking off to work.

I don't know what I need or want here, maybe support? Advise? Others experience in this area? Only thing I know for sure right now I am trying so hard not to drink again, for both recovery reasons and because I don't want that sickness to come back. Plus the doctor said after my work ups and xrays, the next drink may just kill me. At the same time it's killing me to be sitting here thinking about what's been going on behind my back and how betrayed I feel. Should I be thinking I had to expect it from her - what with my drinking? I don't think so, and to be honest I find that nothing more than a bloody bad excuse. One bad deed does not excuse another that's for sure. And for all I've come to believe about my illness, I have NO power over alcohol, there's NO moral decision involved with why I drink, and save a good recovery, that is plainly obvious from the many times I've relapsed with NO clue as to why or how it started. She had nothing but power and moral decision within her grasp to NOT allow such a horrid thing to take place, yet she did it.

Anyway, long post guys I know, but I had to let this out, come clean about my relapse, and maybe get some outside opinions on what the he!! I'm supposed to do about my relapse, my wife and this wholly new bloody life explosion that's just landed on my head.

So, folks, I'm sorry to say I've screwed up a good bit of sober time by taking my eye of the ball, and it's looking right now like I don't know what the hell recovery is going to do to help resolve this catastrophe. Any help would be nice, but I don't know, I just feel so bloody soul sick right now. It's like my heart and soul and all hope have just been drained from me, like the plug just came out of life's tub and all the water is drained out. Even though there's still a bottle hidden somewhere here, I am sure I won't touch it. Just don't want to take the time to find it yet because I don't trust myself that when it's in my hands I won't wallow in some temporary self pity and just start drinking again. Once I feel capable I'll get it and huck that thing down the trash chute.

For all those who encouraged and helped me this last year, I am so sorry I I disappointed you, but until today I was starting to see it less as a failure and more a bump in the road to recovery. Now I'm not sure this road hasn't just been decimated by my wife's bombshells.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles binder.

I feel for you - things are rough - but you're right in that you need to stay sober - gather all the support you can.

Getting back into recovery needs to be your priority for now.

I know it will be hard, but my advice is to work on yourself now - get yourself back on an even keel, get some perspective back - and then you'll be in a position to sort the rest out later.

D

Fandy

I'm so sorry to read your post, but please remember that your 13 months were a great time....and as for your wife....i'm also very sorry she decided to not support you.

i can totally relate to the punched in the stomach betrayl feeling...but please rise above it...save yourself for the rest of your life.

wishing you the best today, take care, Fands

Peter G

Thanks guys, I know recovery needs to be my main focus - so soon after a relapse more-so. It's just so hard right now to even have the energy to breathe let alone try and ignore this big a$$ elephant in the room and get back in touch with God and turn it over yet again. The disappointment I felt for my relapse is so far just being dwarfed by this total breakdown of trust and faith.

Gotta be honest, I seriously thought about just getting faced all over and maybe ending up back in ER or even Critical Care, just to spite what she did, but don't worry I realized soon after the thought exactly where that thought sprung from... my addicted mind. That thought was momentary and fleeting.

I can say though that I've been considering going out to find the guy and break his legs. That I can't shake so far. Kinda the way I've lived my whole pre-sober life. When a guy fronts you - you bash in his skull, full stop. Would be so easy for me to just go and do that. Stupid as it sounds writing it out here, it seems logical to me. Just spewing at this point. Now as for me doing it - nah, I've had 13 months of understanding how bad an idea that is - for which I can say this guy is SO SO lucky I've been basically sober for 13+ months and found out my true inside story. Pre-recovery he'd be in the hospital and I'd be in jail, no doubt.

Anna

Life can be very difficult at times, but there are healthy ways to deal with these emotions and I hope you can find some.

Hang in there!

newby1961

Wow now that is a full plate to deal with but, instead of beating yourself up over your relapse try and turn that around.

Now it is a part of your story and you can use it to help others. You are not the 1st to have relapsed nor the last, unfortunately.

As far as you wife goes the best revenge is getting your life together in spite of what happened.

When we get sober life still hands us ick but, we grow from it and move on. It is your disease that wants you to wallow in it so you will pick up again.

Stay vigil and get your a$$ back to AA, start working a program, heck maybe even start helping someone who has it even worse than you.

She is not worth you dying over and it sounds like if you keep on drinking that is exactly what is going to happen!!

I just hope and pray you want to live.. I will pray you do.. Peace

invisibledrunk

wow similar story here,
last summer my longtime girlfrienf who'm i was living with cheated on me. i saw her getting distant and suspected it for a while. she never did come clean about it. i moved out and took my stuff one day, which was most of the houses furnishings and left her to sleep on the floor. took my tv and computer so she had no entertainment. did the works on her.
through this period i had to temporarily move back to my parents house.. ugh.. at 28 yrs old, not a fun thing to do. i drank nearly everyday with friends because i had this sense that i had earned it.

well, fast forward about 2 months and i found out not only was she cheating on me, but with one of my best friends. i even went to his birthday party during the time before i find out, and i remeber him looking at me like a sad puppy. i sat there and bought him drinks having agood time, all the while this was happening. needless to say i immediately disowned this friend. and in the process lost many more friends. another friend of mine, one of the ones i trusted enough to keep, decided he would date my ex fiance' . these people are all close, so i had visions of walking in to a room and seeing two of my best buds with my ex girlfriends??? yeah, no thanks. so i lost even more friends. to this day i am still the "bad guy" the girls think i should suck it up , grow up and go have happy fun times with those people. yeah right. so, i drank alone, and pretty often.

Now i just got the notice my company is laying off, i watched them walk out 20+ people yesterday. it's been a really awful year.

i do know how you feel, to a degree. and i'm still sober, but it's awfully hard to stay focussed with all of those things going on.
I really hope everything turns out good for you, and like you i come here for support and some kind of sanity.

bratnik

You are right - DON'T hurt yourself to get back at someone else. The only person it really hurts is yourself, and they go on living. You are worth more than that.

I'm so sorry to hear about the infidelity. I am glad you didn't go and hurt anyone - as angry as you are, this guy is certainly not worth YOU ending up in jail or the ER.

Your 13 months have kept you very strong - be proud of yourself for handling this in your sober mind! THoughts and hugs.

susanlauren

I am so sorry you are going through the difficulties you have described. It sounds to me like a great time to recommit yourself to the AA program and to your recovery. I think you would be helped immensely by the inventory process in the steps, especially the resentment inventory.

Drinking back at her will only get you sick, drunk, and may even risk your own life. Getting even with him will only get you arrested and in jail. Neither of these results are worth the price you will pay in your own life. Your situation will sort itself out in time. What you need most is a clear head. Make yourself your number one priority.
Susan

Peter G

Thanks again y'all. This support means the world to me at a time like this. Well the wife came home and we had a 4 hour long talk, and to say it was a heated conversation is about as big an understatement one can make.

Didn't turn out well either, she brought out all kinds of stuff, as did I, and in the end I told her I wanted a divorce. I did give her the option of calling this dude and, in front of me, telling him "my husband was hurt by what we've done, it was wrong, and I can't see or contact you anymore." Along with that I gave her an ultimatum to take him off her various social accounts (facebook, e.t.c...). She said she would comply, but I can see in her eyes that she didn't feel good about it. So I told her "that's it sweety, I'm out and I want a divorce".

I guess we'll see how that goes tomorrow, but for now that's how I feel about it. It's toxic stuff that I don't need, and yes, after that conversation I had mixed feelings about getting tanked or getting back into recovery. I choose recovery full stop. You guys are exactly right, drinking will only hurt and possibly kill me, while they just go on. They might feel guilty for a few minutes, but I might end up dead or doing time yet again. Screw that.

Still wish I could break the guy's neck though, but alas, this isn't the 18th century where I'd likely get away with it. So I need to figure out how to take a higher road and stick to recovery. I'm confident enough that I will, but there's still a sadness inside me I can only describe as draining.

Anyone have any ideas how I can keep my mind focused on me, and not this brutality that sits in front of me? I'd love to hear some stuff to try. Anyway, thanks again folks, you're all golden to me.

GettingStronger2

Well, don't focus on you. You need to focus on your program of recovery and helping others. Get out of yourself. What you want to do right now is sit in self-pity. I know. Been there. Left my husband at 8.5 months sober. Learned a few weeks ago he was cheating on me as well as being abusive to me. I felt entitled to some self pity and sympathy. Fortunately, i got right back into my program of recovery, out of myself, and am now recovered. It took work, but it is a much better place to be.

Focus on your recovery and your relationship to your Higher Power. Get out of yourself. Help someone else. The rest will fall into place.

NYCDoglvr

It helps to think the drink through before picking up, which is typically an impulsive action. When I imagine getting drunk, sick and acting like an as-hole, going through early sobriety, I'm much more likely to pick up the phone and ask another alcoholic for help.

the only important thing is you are sober today. Thanks for posting, it helps me stay sober today.

Itchy

Well my friend you do have a tough row to hoe. There is no action you can take or counseling you can try that will make going through the past verbal and trust abuse easy to bear or make you feel good about it. Nothing will make the betrayal, divorce and loss painless. We can't do anything about our feelings. They are a reaction to stimulus be that emotional, intellectual, or physical. If we are heartbroken because of infidelity we can't stop that feeling. If we are doisappointed in ourselves because we drank we can't stop that feeling. If we are sad or depressed again no stopping those feelings.

However we can choose not to act on those feelings in a reflexive and predetermined way. Your comparison to what you would have done years ago full stop and choosing not to do that now is a good example. It takes time to work out the pain and especially in a cheating and/or divorce situation.

Lots of us alcoholics have had to go through what you are, from either side.
I wish you well.

yeahgr8

Well at least you know what you were doing before doesn't work for you so you have the opportunity of making changes...did you work the steps in AA with a sponsor? If so it would be prudent to get a new sponsor to go through the work, this time with more honesty than before maybe? You were in the right place for the solution and now you must be more motivated than ever:-)

lushly

I am with you binder. Just don't self negative talk your way into a bad situation. You have some sobriety and that is a plus. I know that my addictive mind is powerful and even with having awareness I can't be drawn in by its sirens of self pity. She deserves this or I deserve this. I don't like to be alone with my addictive mind. Hope you can have lots of Face to Face contact and support and this time in your life.

Peter G

Hey there ST2. Actually what I meant by saying "me" was to imply "my recovery". Thanks for helping though, I appreciate everything you said.

@all...
Well folks, one early development here is that I found the bottle I had stashed and abruptly chucked it, faster than finding a rat and three cockroaches. Initially I thought it may be iffy just having it in my hands, but as it turns out my period of sobriety had me remembering how damned good I felt, and of course I remember this withdrawal sickness because it's bloody fresh in my mind. There was no way I would chance getting sick like that again when I've now seen the other side and how wonderful sobriety really is, so tossing it was a no brainer.

@yeaghr, I did attend many meetings and here they are nothing but Jesus freaks. And believe me, this is a small enough city state; I covered pretty much every corner of it trying to find a group that wasn't all about the Bible. The meetings here are hardwired to Catholicism systemically it seems - they have very little to do with AA. They read more scripture than they do from the BB, and recite at least half a dozen prayers at every session. I may as well go to church, and I just can't get with that at all. Spiritual I am, but ordained religions I can't get with. Being pushed on me through the guise of AA I find insulting.

As for step work? Well to put it nicely it's not on their list of priorities at all. Even the doctor at the detox said there's not much of an AA community here, but there is an addiction therapy establishment. That is all well and good, and would also cost me an arm and a leg to attend regularly. I just can't afford to spend money I don't have - especially when I know full well AA has been what saved me and offered me the longest period of sobriety in my entire adult life, and the 12 steps are exactly what I've been missing all along.

My recovery before the relapse consisted of outpatient therapy for as long as I could afford it, along with reading the BB religiously, and doing the steps alone as best I could. Listening to speaker tapes as much as I could, coming here to read posts, and concentrating on meditation and exercise. I realize now that the lack of a fellowship was likely the ammunition I was missing.

Something else really hurt my chances though; I allowed my golden rule (Nothing is as important to me as sobriety, everything else is second place. Full stop.) fall to second place as the new job prospect became my most important priority - and it only really took that very temporary slip from my program work to cause me ending up at the booze store and eventually at the ER. I know this: had I a good AA program here - one with meetings with actual sponsors, step work, and none of the faux Catholic church group crapola, I could have easily avoided the trap that befell me.

As for my wife, a friend I know through SR emailed me a very thoughtful note, which is to say - "we ask our SO's to accept and forgive an awful lot from us, and I should keep that in mind when absorbing this situation". That hit me quite hard, because it is spot on.

Having said that, I'm not sure that without some extensive work within the steps and the program I can forgive her and stay. Likely a separation is due at the least. So I'm thinking of moving to a country close by Singapore that I KNOW has good solid AA programs - Malaysia or Thailand. It might be a bit stressful for me to move out and separate from someone I've loved dearly for 11 years, but as of right now home life has become instantly toxic and extremely stressful - at a critical time in my recovery. That's not good.

I'm thinking that I will give it a week to see if forgiveness, or at least acceptance will come by my getting back to job #1 - sobriety. I'll start back doing what I've been doing for my 13 + months and see if that will help notch down the toxicity at home.

I've also been searching for an online sponsor to at least provide a temporary surrogate to a real live face to face and fellowship. Failing that I don't think there's much of a real choice staying here, because right now if I even stop to think about what she did it sucks the hope and light right out from underneath me. I can take a helluvalot - and I have - from earthquakes to tsunamis, stabbings to assaults. The list goes on. But this? In the end I'm not sure I have forgiveness in my DNA for infidelity. Without trust there's really nothing left to build on, and trust on that level is hard to revive once murdered like she's just accomplished.

Can I ask does anyone think it's a bad idea for me to leave at this stage, considering what you now know? Would the stress of moving around put me at a greater risk for slipping? Would love some opinions on the matter, since I am terribly new to this aspect of the whole process.

And BTW folks, I have to say that you all have been extremely helpful and has kept me in line, when I could have easily gone off the deep end. You have no idea how much gratitude I feel for all of you and for this site. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

Dee74

I don't know anyone can give you much more than opinions binder, rather than advice...

The no changes in the first year thing is usually pretty good advice - it probably took me that long to work out who I was and what I wanted.

I had opportunities to make decisions in that first year that would probably have turned out badly had I been impulsive.

But I know I had to make some changes in my first year to keep my recovery on track (like changing my friend circle, and my lifestyle) and had to deal with other changes that were mandatory (my apartment got sold and I had to move)... so not all change is deleterious to recovery

Think about things carefully - & get advice from the people who know you and in whose judgement you trust

D

susanlauren

binderdonedat,
Have you checked out the 12 step forum on SR? There are some solid AA folks there who would gladly offer whatever assistance and share whatever experience they can with you on working the twelve steps. There are also sub-forums and step studies available there. Please feel free to post whatever questions you may have.

No one can decide for you what you should do in terms of making a major move to another country, whether nearby or not. You will have to weigh the pros and cons and arrive at a decision. If you have a practice of prayer, I would encourage you to pray to the God of your understanding for guidance and direction.

What you are describing of your local meetings is 180 degree opposite from what AA is supposed to be, but it sounds like you already know that. AA does have an international program and a loner's program which you might check out. Also, there is an on-line AA program, Lamplighter, where sponsorship is available.
Susan

Peter G

I definitely hear what you're saying Dee, much appreciated. Yep I have to very carefully weigh the intent as well as the uproar of both options. The one thing you said that really struck me...

That's my one dilemma here at this point. Staying may take my recovery efforts off track, as I can foresee a future of fighting, bickering, along with most of what comes from an infidelity aftermath. That is surely nothing good for sobriety and I'd venture a guess would distract me completely from my #1 priority, sobriety. There's no doubt I love my wife dearly, even after this, but I'd be no good to her working on a now shaky marriage at the expense of my own recovery. Is that selfish? Cuz I wonder if it's not necessary. Marriage is one thing, but my life is at risk by relapsing. It'd likely be different had I not relapsed, but with that as a caveat I know my efforts to get the work done have to redouble fast.

Plus right now it really doesn't seem like my wife is concerned with supporting my efforts at all, and while any move might stress me out logistically, emotionally I think it might be a whole lot less scary to find somewhere new.

But I'm definitely gonna take your advice and get wisdom from people I know and trust. And that's a very short list - + SR folks have never steered me wrong, and I take everything said here to heart for sure.

Thanks heaps mate.

EmeraldRose

Hi Binder...sounds like a brainful. I'm exhausted just reading it! =)
First...congratulations on the sober time.

Reading about your relationship problem reminded me of mine...I had been drinking for years -all of which were included in my last marraige. We have separated last August due to many reasons -except cheating. At first, I felt free. Free to live my life and do what I want. And I did. And I could drink without anyone watching or knowing or questioning. Then I lost my new job...so now I have no job, no real husband, per se` and I'm an alcoholic.
I ran to rehab...and have been in AA since the first week I quit. Because you change your location, don't expect to change. You will still be an alcoholic until you change your thinking.
I don't think my ex knew I went to rehab but he knows me and knows that I had no reason to quit. He stopped my support, changed locks on the business so I had to groom dogs elsewhere and said to me one day "life changes". And you know what? He was absolutely right. It does and it had to start with me.
He knew I'd fail...he knew I couldn't make it. But I proved him wrong. I got another job sober, I make rent, I opened a grooming salon in my basement, I get my oil changed every 3 months (LOL), I'm up for a supervisor position...and the sharpest thorn in his side is that I don't drink and am alive in life....oh, and I'm that other word...what's that word....happy!
Point being...you can be ok, really. IF you don't drink. Things have a way of working themselves out. Most of my recent 'successes' were because I wasn't drunk, I didn't make rash decisions, I waited and had patience for the things in my life to unravel. And they do. Naturally. Things have happened recently in such perfect timing that I am CERTAIN there is a higher power. Have patience, have faith and don't have a drink.