Tendencies

Hey...Made it to 7 months. Class of November 2010. Really struggling the past few days.

I had a new revelation. Well maybe not new but it kinda hit me hard. I've started to interact with my alcoholic father again (he's 30+ years sober) the past few years. I've also been getting a little closer with my sisters too. So that sounds good right. And it has been fairly good I guess. Till now. Fathers day they brought out the crazy.

My dad is messed up. He really screwed me over I won't get into it. He did and he knows it. But he's a selfish ***** so he did it anyway. But do you get angry for at the scorpion for stinging you. No. It's a scorpion, how do you get mad at that? My dad's a scorpion.

I have been putting myself together for the past 7 months. In therapy working my own program. My life has turned around. Still lonely but I'm on a path right.

I forgot that the people around me are not working a program. I might be getting better and getting stronger but they are not. I was not the only dysfunctional person in my life. But I was the only one I could deal with. That is the only one I could take charge of (me).

Here is my revelation. I might be getting better but that does not mean that the people around me are as well. They are not getting better, they might even be getting worse.

And the things in my family and my life that drove me to drink are still out there. I can talk through some of it in therapy but I can't change them. I can only change me.

Why should I be surprised that the stove is hot? It hurts though. To know that some people around you are no good for you. And you have to protect yourself from them. It's sad. They are my family. But they are sooo bad for me.

I might have put my crazy down and said I'm not fighting this war against myself anymore but that does not mean that the people around me put their crazy down too.

Feeling a little hurt and a little stupid.

EmeraldRose

I completely understand. I had the same problem but not as extreme. It's true...just because you are changing and working on a program doesn't mean everyone else is.

I said that to my counselor one time -that I wished more people could take advantage of counseling. There are alot of people that need change and they aren't even addicts!

Dee74

I'm sorry Tendencies.

I have this problem too - and the better I got the worse my family got, and not just because I saw things more clearly, I think they genuinely reacted - badly - to the changes in me.

I had my role - moving outside that role is not encouraged.

I see my family as little as possible. It works for me

D

Itchy

What Dee said! I took the same option that Dee did. The toxic people whether family or friends are gone from my life. There was no big drama scene or hard feelings. I just don't see them more than once or twice a year, and am unavailable for calls much of the time. I can't control them, no longer want to, and don't want any part of being responsible for their behaviors. I find the best revenge is living well.

simplyfab

It is sad when the people who are bad for you are your own family members.
I have a huge family. My mom has 9 sisters and one brother who all got married and had tons of kids. We kids grew up very close to eachother and as adults, the family has just gotten bigger.
Anyway..the majority of my members are female. Especially cousins my age.
I've seen how judgemental they are and how much they gossip. Sometimes you're a part of the gossip, sometimes you are the gossip.
My family is very toxic when it comes to this. Instead of being happy for one's accomplishments, they find any little negative thing and blow that up.
We get together almost every weekend, so their "crazy" is always around.
As an adult now, I've had phone calls from aunts where the sole purpose of the conversation was to gossip about this person or that.
And, my goodness are they VERY materialistic! To the point, where they feel the need to brag about what designer jeans a 4 yr old has on. They define themselves, and others', worth on this. It's sickening. But the truth is, this is how I grew up and this is what I know and this is my family crazy.
The singling out is very real and it bothers me more than I'd like to admit.

It's constant judging and pointing fingers, and its sad how they just can't
be happy for one another.
Now wrap this around the fact that drinking is highly acceptable with my family. Everybody drinks. As a kid growing up, there's no doubt you will one day be drinking side by side your aunts and uncles.
Now that I've decided to stop drinking, I've become the black sheep of the family. I've actually not been invited to family gatherings because of this. I was told by an aunt that she didn't invite me to her bday party because "You don't even drink anymore anyway!"

I'm sure your family issues are deeper than my family's superficial thinking, but I get what you mean about how they're always gonna be the way they are no matter what growing process you accomplish.

Now that I'm sober...I see things a whole lot clearer and no longer let them affect (try not to let them..its a process.) me the they way they used to. Sometimes it does hurt. All my girl cousins have sisters who they are really close to. I don't. So when I'm the object of their gossip and not invited to certain events, it does sting. But it's something that I'm learning to deal with and know for certain that being around them is mentally draining. It's a part of their lives. It doesn't mean I have to make it mine anymore.
I can't believe I let myself be "them" for so long, but that was my need for acceptance.
I no longer need to gossip and criticize others to make me feel better.
I never felt right doing it. I knew deep inside, that wasn't me. I really didn't feel that way.
So I get you saying you're off the crazy train. It may not be the same crazy, but I get it.
I'm so glad I'm off my family's crazy train and detaching myself from all the negativity that they surround themselves with.
I love my family very much, but also remind myself that I didn't choose my family or how they're gonna be.

Thank you so much for your post...

Tendencies

Well said by all. Simply fab I feel for you. My family has lots of that in it. LOTS of it.

I am having a hard time detaching though. My Dr. says he can see they are driving me nuts as after I come back form a family encounter I am usually agitated and upset. He's actually been telling me to limit contact until I grow stronger for a long time now. LOL. Guess I should listen to the expert.

It's just I"m so lonely for more than superficial connections. I have a lot of casual acquaintances in my work. But they are just that. My best friend just moved away for work as well. He was kinda my vent. Really nice guy, drinker but kept a lid on it when I was around after I quit.

I hear you Dee. My family has a role for me to play and when I don't play it they go Banana's. My role is to take the abuse it seems. Everyone bullied me and they want it to continue. (this might sounds bad but I'll say it anyway) I'm always shocked at how powerless I feel around them as I am smarter and more caring about others than they are. That is when I'm straight. I think they subconsciously want to drag me back down.

It still hurts thinking I have to limit the contact. I already pretty much had to cut my mom off. She was the most crazy making of them all and what started my deep death spiral of drinking 5 years ago I see now.

It's funny though. This is all about taking care of ourselves and doing what is right for us. One of the arguments my father used in this last disappointment and betrayal was that, "I have to take of myself son."

I do have to focus on me. My recovery. Not just from being a drunk but for having given up on myself and my life. Alcohol dependence was really just one part of it.