defyinggravity

I've really only had a few minor issues with being triggered since I started this whole foray into sobriety but today something happened that really sent me spinning. I'm still totally freaked out about how I felt/feel. (I'm also still sober, for the record)

I had to have blood drawn this afternoon - the nurse put the needle in my arm, very close to the spot in which I was shooting up coke almost 3 weeks ago. As I felt the needle go in, I immediately expected to feel high and was distraught for about a second when I didn't and then realized I was having blood drawn, not shooting up. I shouldn't have watched it go in but I have a sick fascination with things like that and I kind of wanted to see how she did it so...I don't know, I'm inclined to say so I can see how it should be done, but there's no reason I need to know that anymore as I'm not using and plan to stay sober (and healthy!).

Since then, all I've been able to think about is sticking a needle in my arm and getting high - I blocked my dealer's number (and the number from which he called me when I blocked him previously and he "couldn't get through") and I literally don't have the money to spare (I was stressing about having no money earlier, but I guess it's a blessing tonight that I only have just enough to pay my bills until I get paid again - then, hopefully the urge will have passed and I'll be glad to be sober). Ughhh. I had to call my therapist after it happened because I was spinning out so badly. She said to use it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with feeling that way (dealing with it by NOT using, that is!).

Up until now I've only had sort of frustrating moments of wanting to drink because I couldn't sleep or about 10 minutes of wanting to do coke because I saw someone on tv snorting lines...this is by far the most tempted I've been since I stopped 3 weeks ago. Incidentally, in 3 days, I'll have 3 whole weeks sober! Actually I think my last trigger happened right around the 2 week mark. My therapist has mentioned a few times that when I get close to something - a breakthrough or starting to change my negative self-talk/beliefs - I do something drastic. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage myself.

Fortunately, I have to work all weekend (getting ready to defend my thesis!) so hopefully there won't be any time to think about using. :/ I could use a hug right about now - guess I'll have to settle for puppy-cuddling (which is almost as effective and sometimes better!)

Dee74

I've never been a needle user - I abhor needles, so I can't say I understand that part of what you're feeling - but I do understand craving and self-sabotage.

I think the steps to take when we're feeling vulnerable are pretty universal, DG.
Support Support Support.

Fight with everything you have - and don't be afraid to reach out and call in as many reinforcements as you need

I had to be prepared to go twice as far to stay sober as I did to get drunk or high - but it's doable

stay the course DG,
D

SwanSong

Excellent advice. I had drug issues years ago, the one time I took needle to vein, by the end of that night I had overdosed and wasn't sure if I was going to walk again. It was enough to scare me away from that 'method' of use but wasn't enough to get me to stop.

Like Dee said, support support support - reinforcements and yes, be committed, willing and ready to go twice as far for your sobriety as you were for your addictions. Trust me, from my experience, you will have to at some point (or points).

Happy you're here and posting vs. letting the cravings and self-destructive thoughts sabotage your sobriety. Totally stay the course...

instant

what ever you feel and think, hang in there- good luck with the thesis

Missy7

What is your thesis on? What's your major? That's so important--defending your thesis. How is your committee?

defyinggravity

I'm working on my PhD in behavioral neuroscience - I study molecular mechanisms of brain plasticity in addiction processes. My committee is pretty good - one member is kinda tough, one is my advisor and the other is actually great, she's very nurturing and positive.

I got over the urge to use - today I'm making naan to eat with hummus for lunch and thawing out a steak for dinner! I'm feeling pretty great about life right now and I just put yesterday's freak-out and temptation behind me. No need to dwell on what is past, right? I have a tendency to feel bad about those kinds of things for way too long so I've decided to just let it go.

billsaintjames

Congrats on plowing through school. I think all day every day about going to grad school, but I am so hesitant to apply. I don't even know why. My reason used to be because I wanted to party for a few years before I went back to school, but since I decided to get sober, I don't know what I'm waiting for. My undergrad degree is essentially useless by itself, and I am currently interviewing with temp agencies and bank teller jobs to provide an income. I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life.

defyinggravity

Haha, you don't want to follow my quitting marijuana plan - I traded weed for cocaine and because I was on that through the weed withdrawals, it got me through the worst of it. For some reason, quitting coke wasn't nearly as hard as quitting weed and it allowed me to put some distance between myself and the weed/cravings. Now, I've blocked my dealer's number and deleted him from my phone so I can't call him to buy more (of either coke or weed - frankly I liked the high from weed better, anyway, but I was getting fat and lazy and had bronchitis all the damn time). I try fill my time with other things - it's really hard for me to be alone with myself. I actually told my therapist she was free to drug test me and if it was dirty, she was allowed to literally call my mom and tell her what was going on. Setting up some real consequences for myself really helped. She never actually did drug test me (and now my psychiatrist does it just as part of his practice since he's an addiction specialist) but I knew that it was a possibility. Maybe you could try to set up some serious consequences for yourself if you use again?

It's a tough one to quit, partially because the withdrawal SUCKS and insomnia and irritability can last MONTHS. It can also seem kinda harmless - but I have to actively remind myself of the consequences of using. Plus, money is a big issue as my stipend from my grad program actually puts me below the poverty line. I always made it work, but now I can afford new clothes and other stuff I want.