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Old 06-16-2011, 07:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I'm here.


My mind is exhausting, with all of the commotion about alcohol. "If you declare you have a problem, then you'll create one. You're fine. Look, ____ and _____ drink way more than you do." "Are you serious? You really never want to taste a new porter ever again?" "You have a good job, and you're healthy. Not only will no one believe you, but you will be OFFENSIVE to those people in AA. They've been to hell and back."

Yesterday I started to go to a meeting. I pulled in just on time after getting turned around on the road, and saw a circle of men sitting OUTSIDE. They all looked up at the rental car I was driving. I pulled out and left without thinking. I felt so on the spot. Instead I came and stalked here.

The thing is that I had a hell of a weekend. No, I didn't wake up from a blackout, with no money and a hangover... but I have. And honestly, what is a hangover? I haven't had a drink -not one- in three days and this morning felt better than any morning I can remember since- the last time I didn't have a drink for three days. Which has happened a few times in the last six years or so.

What's normal and why would I want to be it?

I don't have vodka hidden throughout my life like my mother did. I do, however, have a wine cabinet. But hidden through my house are the advil/aspirin bottles. I know I'll need to keep the morning headache from being so debilitating that I can't work. Often my head won't hurt but I'll be dizzy...

I want to be clear, balanced, honest. I have friends in recovery. I want what they have. But speaking of them- why do they always say "you're not an alcoholic" to me? Is it a weird secret game designed to challenge me or do they really not see it? I never said "I'm not an alcoholic"...

So "not alcoholics" feel like this? "not alcoholics" drink until they pass out and wake up a few hours later dehydrated and overheated and unable to go back to sleep? They think about the drink on the way home yeah, I know it was going to be different today but it still can be, it's just one beer, you are going to love it. Wait- why is it such a big deal? Just stop. OK, I stopped. No big deal. Wait a minute, how did I end up going to a bar last night? What happened? I thought I stopped...

day after day. week after week. wait a minute, it's been YEARS?!?!

Oh yeah, that's "not alcoholic".

I was planning to drink on Tuesday. I'd been wasted the night before on a flight, drove home cockeyed, woke up sideways, worked all day... I had the plan to pick up a bottle of wine but instead I wrecked my car. I was "sober" when I did this, in body but not in mind necessarily. But I owned that serenity prayer by the end of the day. I don't want to go back.
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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welcome bexxed - glad you decided to join and are wanting to get sober. We all know what it's like to give up alcohol and find ourselves drinking again within hours or days. It's a vicious cycle.....

I think if you keep reading and posting you'll see lots of stories that are just like yours. You're not alone.

My life is so much better today - and I know yours can be too. :ghug3
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Bexxed

Welcome

I think a lot of us have felt that commotion in our heads. I've had friends/family even people here tell me that I'm not an alcoholic, but so much of alcoholism is secret and hidden behaviour that I think the only real judge is you and me.

Sounds like you've made up your mind
Good to have you with us

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Old 06-16-2011, 07:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Alcoholism leaves a whirlwind swirling in your head if you're drinking or not. I know whatcha mean. Glad you're here to sort it out. Welcome.
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Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It's an obsession. I talk myself in and out of it. Right now I'm trying to remind myself that I can't live a balanced life and wake up realizing I'd spent 8 straight hours inebriating myself before bed the night before. And how many hundreds or thousands of evenings have to go by where I don't "control" what I drink? All of those days have added into huge chunks of time- I'm scared to think of how many YEARS I've lived, making decisions, relating with others, messed up, hung over. I've never "controlled" it. I've either waited until it was socially acceptable to get wasted, taken off alone, or stewed quietly inside. What a fun bunch of years it's been...
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I wasted 30 years on drinking...I raised 4 kids and many memories faded or fogged. I had no control over most of my life but still managed to get through it.
This is now...I no longer drink. I have control over my life and what I do and say. I am not an alcohol puppet anymore. Life is here for me to live. Tomorrow is new and fresh and I can tackle it with an independance and confidence. There's no sense harboring over the past...it's gone...over...done. All I can do now is make my future the best I can possibly make it.
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Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
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Old 06-16-2011, 09:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Old 06-16-2011, 10:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Bexxed

Welcome, can really relate to what you are saying, you are the one who knows!! life is too short to be held captive by alcohol, life is much better without it, the decision is to stop and you will no doubt about it - the support here is fantastic.

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Old 06-16-2011, 10:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Wow - beautifully written, thanks for that. It could have been my story too, and I'm sure there are many people that echo that sentiment.

All I can say is that YOU feel fed up with it. It doesn't matter what your sober/recovering friends say about you being alcoholic or not. Whether you are, or not, is irrelevant. You have got tired and bored with this drinking thing, and you want to end it. Bravo. I congratulate you!

This site is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me. I check in every single day without fail, whether I'm having a good sober day (to share that I'm feeling good), or a bad sober day (where I can ask for kind words of advice or support). We are all behind you and wishing you the best.
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Old 06-16-2011, 10:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome. I continue to tell myself that I don't want those "yet" things to affect my life. I haven't been arrested, yet. I haven't killed someone while drinking and driving, yet.

Today, just today, I am clean, sober and mostly okay.

I hope you can find some comfort here.
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Old 06-17-2011, 01:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hey Bexxed. It's your issue feel free to address it anyway you want. I am sure many would not see me as an alcoholic. For me it was costing me more than it gave. That road was going to get rocky. I made it thought the first week and I am now day 33- it's a great way to go- I was in a rut and felt trapped and exhausted
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Old 06-17-2011, 02:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks, all. It's weird how I can be tempted one minute and not another. I've spent a loooong time knowing in my gut that I CAN'T do this anymore... that a bottle of wine WILL mean the whole bottle, and likely a midnight trip to Walgreens for another one. (My standards go down as the BALs go up...) And I've accepted that, I just conveniently "forget" it, and then, after the first time... oh well. I guess on the rare occasions that I "control" it- I'm doing just that- "controlling it". Don't drink that too fast. Stop LOOKING at it. Don't look at other people's drinks. Relax, will you? What fun.

It's Friday, and I'm going to dinner at the home of some friends who are, as far as I can tell, "normal" drinkers. They often have soda with dinner, which has secretly annoyed me in the past. After that.... I thought I'd hit up the local coffee shop. I don't want to isolate so much. There's a strong sense that this will work.... I'm feeling it today. I do a lot of lurking on this site. It's helpful.
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Old 06-17-2011, 02:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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SR got me through those first few weekends Bexxed
Check in as much as you like

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