tired of the embarassment - I need to rant on me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
tired of the embarassment - I need to rant on me
Hi all. I am new here sort of. I have posted once or twice in the past a long time ago but cannot remember my user name lol ... I really need to vent. I am sorry, this is going to be a jumbled long mess...
I don't know, I just have to get this off my chest I am so disappointed in myself. I have been binge drinking for over 3 years now and not one time have I drank and not regretted it. I'd say I drink 1-3 times a week but every time I drink is with the intention of getting drunk. I won't stop until the bottle is empty. Typically what I drink is vodka and to get to the point of pretty drunk each time I drink a pint sized bottle over the course of 2-3 hours. Yeah... ... I don't really have hangovers but I would gladly trade in hangovers over the social embarassment I put myself through.
When I drink I am happy at first but then I have the one drink that makes me officially drunk every time and every time it's like I turned into a possessed person. I feel like I become evil and say and do the meanest things to anyone around me. I make a complete fool out of myself but at the time it always seems like a good idea. I get into a mode where all I want to do is fight and hurt people. Last night I did it again. I remember the things I say and do but I can't figure out if that makes it worse that I can remember because then it wasn't a blackout and I was aware of my behavior but still hurt people around me.
I want to say I am sorry but I've said that so much. Everyone in my life hates me and rightfully so.... I can't say sorry anymore, it becomes meaningless after a while. I can't say I won't drink again, I don't think I can stop. I was sober for two months and doing so well finally but I got stressed out with school to the point of panic attacks (I am a very anxious/nervous person) and all I developed was an overwhelming urge to pick up the bottle again. So now I've been binging for two months again. I really don't think I can quit, I've just given up on myself right now.
I feel so lonely, everyone really despises me. I have just been so evil and hurtful to the people I care about. I always act so stupid when I drink. I can think of a million reasons why I should never drink but that doesn't matter, I get such a craving I have to go and drink. For me it's comparable to being dehydrated in a desert but standing right next to a water fountain. I just want it SO BAD. I swear, after being sober for two months and falling back into drinking I have just lost hope that I can ever be sober forever. :/ I don't want to make friends anymore and I don't want to do anything because I know that more new people in my life will just equal more future embarassment, regret and guilt.
If you've read all this, thanks.. I just needed to say this some where. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore I have burned all my bridges with friends and family. :/
I don't know, I just have to get this off my chest I am so disappointed in myself. I have been binge drinking for over 3 years now and not one time have I drank and not regretted it. I'd say I drink 1-3 times a week but every time I drink is with the intention of getting drunk. I won't stop until the bottle is empty. Typically what I drink is vodka and to get to the point of pretty drunk each time I drink a pint sized bottle over the course of 2-3 hours. Yeah... ... I don't really have hangovers but I would gladly trade in hangovers over the social embarassment I put myself through.
When I drink I am happy at first but then I have the one drink that makes me officially drunk every time and every time it's like I turned into a possessed person. I feel like I become evil and say and do the meanest things to anyone around me. I make a complete fool out of myself but at the time it always seems like a good idea. I get into a mode where all I want to do is fight and hurt people. Last night I did it again. I remember the things I say and do but I can't figure out if that makes it worse that I can remember because then it wasn't a blackout and I was aware of my behavior but still hurt people around me.
I want to say I am sorry but I've said that so much. Everyone in my life hates me and rightfully so.... I can't say sorry anymore, it becomes meaningless after a while. I can't say I won't drink again, I don't think I can stop. I was sober for two months and doing so well finally but I got stressed out with school to the point of panic attacks (I am a very anxious/nervous person) and all I developed was an overwhelming urge to pick up the bottle again. So now I've been binging for two months again. I really don't think I can quit, I've just given up on myself right now.
I feel so lonely, everyone really despises me. I have just been so evil and hurtful to the people I care about. I always act so stupid when I drink. I can think of a million reasons why I should never drink but that doesn't matter, I get such a craving I have to go and drink. For me it's comparable to being dehydrated in a desert but standing right next to a water fountain. I just want it SO BAD. I swear, after being sober for two months and falling back into drinking I have just lost hope that I can ever be sober forever. :/ I don't want to make friends anymore and I don't want to do anything because I know that more new people in my life will just equal more future embarassment, regret and guilt.
If you've read all this, thanks.. I just needed to say this some where. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore I have burned all my bridges with friends and family. :/
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
Hey we are here to listen, I'm glad your back. May-be it's time to seek some help for your anxiety and drinking and be done with it for good. Have your talked with your doctor about any of these issues, they can help!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Only you can be the one that decided if you can quit for good or not. You know that. It sounds like you have alot of issues you need to deal with to comfortabley get on with your life. I think seeking treatment would be a good idea...go to rehab, talk to a counselor, get it all out in the open. It doesn't have to be this way. Really.
Glad you're here and I hope you stay.
Glad you're here and I hope you stay.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 51
Hi and welcome liz
Maybe you could try to focus on this issue one small piece at a time. What I mean is you should call a friend or family member and set a time to go get a cup of coffee. Limit yourself to just that hour or so interaction with the person, the idea being to come away from spending time with someone you know without drinking.
Maybe after you feel like you have some victories there it will help you feel better about who you are and that will translate into strength to resist drinking in future situations!
Best of luck and SR supports you!
Maybe you could try to focus on this issue one small piece at a time. What I mean is you should call a friend or family member and set a time to go get a cup of coffee. Limit yourself to just that hour or so interaction with the person, the idea being to come away from spending time with someone you know without drinking.
Maybe after you feel like you have some victories there it will help you feel better about who you are and that will translate into strength to resist drinking in future situations!
Best of luck and SR supports you!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by liz84 
I have just lost hope that I can ever be sober forever.
Many here on SR were just a convinced as you that they would never get sober. They did. They are sober. You can be sober too. But probably not doing it alone. SR is a great start. Face to face support may prove even more helpful.
One last thing. I know when I was helpless and full of despair, I would punish myself with the very thing that was causing my despair--drugs and drink. I had to stop hating myself before I could get better. That's the most magical thing about recovery...discovering the person you like. Yourself.
Good luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome,
I felt like you do when I was at the end of my drinking days.
And, the hard part is that there is no quick fix. You need to earn back the respect of people in your life. The good thing is that there is so much hope for you to live a sober life.
I felt like you do when I was at the end of my drinking days.
And, the hard part is that there is no quick fix. You need to earn back the respect of people in your life. The good thing is that there is so much hope for you to live a sober life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Welcome back! 
Relapsing doesn't mean you can't succeed; it just means you need to try a different approach. You really can do it. Spending a lot of time on SR helped me. I don't do AA, but if I feel myself headed toward a relapse, I sure as heck will. And I had to stop meeting people for a drink—ever—because it was never just "a drink."
I still feel a craving now and then, but mostly I just feel grateful. Life is so much better now in every possible way.
Relapsing doesn't mean you can't succeed; it just means you need to try a different approach. You really can do it. Spending a lot of time on SR helped me. I don't do AA, but if I feel myself headed toward a relapse, I sure as heck will. And I had to stop meeting people for a drink—ever—because it was never just "a drink."
I still feel a craving now and then, but mostly I just feel grateful. Life is so much better now in every possible way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
liz84, i know the feeling exactly. i can clearly remember having yet another bender... while thinking to myself: "what is the point?... i will never stop anyway".
then, somehow it ends and i would lay on floor (because i couldn't even get up) trembling and praying that if whoever is up there (don't believe in god specifically) will let me survive this one... i will never, ever do it again.
or i would look at my purple/green/blue face in the mirror full of tears from being so sick and say to myself: "this has to stop, this is not a way to carry on".
and i would stop for 2-3 days, a week or at best a few months and then repeat the cycle all over. guess how many times? (if you know how many stars are there... you have the answer).
i can be very stubborn and have strong will power, but that's one thing where i was helpless... so after i wound up at the hospital, i decided to come clean with a professional and seek help. i also came here to share my story and connect with others... who understand!
honesty can be painful... very painful, but you'd be amazed at how many compassionate and understanding people are out there, who are willing to help in any way possible.
don't give up! if there is a will, there is a way.
then, somehow it ends and i would lay on floor (because i couldn't even get up) trembling and praying that if whoever is up there (don't believe in god specifically) will let me survive this one... i will never, ever do it again.
or i would look at my purple/green/blue face in the mirror full of tears from being so sick and say to myself: "this has to stop, this is not a way to carry on".
and i would stop for 2-3 days, a week or at best a few months and then repeat the cycle all over. guess how many times? (if you know how many stars are there... you have the answer).
i can be very stubborn and have strong will power, but that's one thing where i was helpless... so after i wound up at the hospital, i decided to come clean with a professional and seek help. i also came here to share my story and connect with others... who understand!
honesty can be painful... very painful, but you'd be amazed at how many compassionate and understanding people are out there, who are willing to help in any way possible.
don't give up! if there is a will, there is a way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Thank you for the encouraging words. I like how everyone is supportive here and I think it was a big reason for me staying sober last night even when most of what I did was just lurk. I stopped wanting to read anything here when I started back drinking. A place of good support suddenly becomes a place I hate because I have to face reality if I see how out of control the problem is... so I definitely want to stay here. I think I'll mostly lurk for a while.
I know I am not in the mood to drink tonight, I probably won't be tomorrow either so I imagine my next intense craving will be on Saturday. I go a couple of days not caring for a drink at all and then it just hits me hard and I must drink! I know how I am, been there done that. I can't fight it off very easily. I also think I will leave the people I've hurt and/or made angry alone for a long time. I don't want to hand out yet another sorry and end up disappointing again. I want to have more confidence in the words if I ever talk to them again.
Maybe this can change, I am feeling better after being honest today so I hope today can be day one... thanks.
I know I am not in the mood to drink tonight, I probably won't be tomorrow either so I imagine my next intense craving will be on Saturday. I go a couple of days not caring for a drink at all and then it just hits me hard and I must drink! I know how I am, been there done that. I can't fight it off very easily. I also think I will leave the people I've hurt and/or made angry alone for a long time. I don't want to hand out yet another sorry and end up disappointing again. I want to have more confidence in the words if I ever talk to them again.
Maybe this can change, I am feeling better after being honest today so I hope today can be day one... thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome back Liz
I can certainly identity with thinking that I was just incapable of 'getting it'...I wasn't tho - I just had to go farther than I'd ever gone before to really do something about this.
Support was vital for me. I needed to reach out and share with others who understood.
I needed to put my sobriety first and change my life in a lot of ways too.
I needed to do a lot of work - hard work sometimes but it was worth it.
I burnt my bridges with most of my friends too - but by living sober, & not merely talking about it, people saw for themselves I'd really changed...and time eventually healed a lot of those relationships
What have you been doing for support so far Liz?
D
I can certainly identity with thinking that I was just incapable of 'getting it'...I wasn't tho - I just had to go farther than I'd ever gone before to really do something about this.
Support was vital for me. I needed to reach out and share with others who understood.
I needed to put my sobriety first and change my life in a lot of ways too.
I needed to do a lot of work - hard work sometimes but it was worth it.
I burnt my bridges with most of my friends too - but by living sober, & not merely talking about it, people saw for themselves I'd really changed...and time eventually healed a lot of those relationships
What have you been doing for support so far Liz?
D
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