Just venting.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Just venting.
Well, I was supposed to hear back from a job today and didn't--not normally the end of the world. However, I'm feeling slight pressure--either get this job, or start looking at homeless shelters in the state. I learned in rehab that the homeless shelters are not conducive to getting on your feet, they want you back in at three to compete for beds and I can't imagine getting home from work (if I ever get a job) and wonder if there is a bed or if I have to sleep in the street or spend all my money on a hotel.
I think it was rehab that caused this problem I'm having anyways. It's not the job itself. It's me remembering all the classes where I was told that the reason I couldn't keep a job (not previously a problem of mine) was because I was no good and drinking. Well, I have not been drinking and they (the people in rehab) were still hollering about how I'm no good, I'll never be anything without them and I should have waited around for their special deal on project apartments--it's almost a guarantee, they said. And now that's back to ringing in my ears. Not the wonders of a future living in projects, but the worthlessness.
And these last 3 days have been easily the worst temptation-wise of my sobriety. Most days of the last 10 months I have not really thought about drinking, especially after 6 months or so. However, now the background check that was supposed to be done by now is not done, and an apartment that seemed God-sent (how else can someone get an apartment with no job right) is on the line and the craziness in my head is ramped up.
I have been going to extra meetings in the daytime, just to have something to do that doesn't leave me in the streets staring at all those neon signs. The AA numbers I got while I was in rehab all work, but not during the day--people are working.
I swear, I feel like it's all good for those who deserve it, and for no-count people like me I should just be happy to be sober and it doesn't matter what happens in my life. Food and a reliable place to sleep would be nice, but I'm told this is having expectations.
I suppose I'm just venting. I know nothing can be done about anything, and I can't help my background, can no longer help what all I done, and now it's time to pay the price for it all. Welcome to life, huh.
Anyways, take care y'all and I hope y'all are having a better day than me!
TB
I think it was rehab that caused this problem I'm having anyways. It's not the job itself. It's me remembering all the classes where I was told that the reason I couldn't keep a job (not previously a problem of mine) was because I was no good and drinking. Well, I have not been drinking and they (the people in rehab) were still hollering about how I'm no good, I'll never be anything without them and I should have waited around for their special deal on project apartments--it's almost a guarantee, they said. And now that's back to ringing in my ears. Not the wonders of a future living in projects, but the worthlessness.
And these last 3 days have been easily the worst temptation-wise of my sobriety. Most days of the last 10 months I have not really thought about drinking, especially after 6 months or so. However, now the background check that was supposed to be done by now is not done, and an apartment that seemed God-sent (how else can someone get an apartment with no job right) is on the line and the craziness in my head is ramped up.
I have been going to extra meetings in the daytime, just to have something to do that doesn't leave me in the streets staring at all those neon signs. The AA numbers I got while I was in rehab all work, but not during the day--people are working.
I swear, I feel like it's all good for those who deserve it, and for no-count people like me I should just be happy to be sober and it doesn't matter what happens in my life. Food and a reliable place to sleep would be nice, but I'm told this is having expectations.
I suppose I'm just venting. I know nothing can be done about anything, and I can't help my background, can no longer help what all I done, and now it's time to pay the price for it all. Welcome to life, huh.
Anyways, take care y'all and I hope y'all are having a better day than me!
TB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
You're not no-count people TB 
Who's putting pressure on you? You current roomies, or yourself?
I know it's hard to stay positive when the disappointments keep coming...but the disappointments aren't you.
And it's not just you either. It's hard for nearly everyone to get a job these days....heck it's hard for a lot of us to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.
and I'm not sure the hard sell from the rehab guys is all that helpful.
If I ran a rehab the aim would be to get you to see you are something, and to help to get you back out and prepared for the real world
Don't doubt yourself. You've come an incredibly long way, and held your courage and sense of humour through it all.
Keep trying, don't give up, and you will prevail.
Don't drop your bundle now
D
Who's putting pressure on you? You current roomies, or yourself?
I know it's hard to stay positive when the disappointments keep coming...but the disappointments aren't you.
And it's not just you either. It's hard for nearly everyone to get a job these days....heck it's hard for a lot of us to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.
and I'm not sure the hard sell from the rehab guys is all that helpful.
If I ran a rehab the aim would be to get you to see you are something, and to help to get you back out and prepared for the real world
Don't doubt yourself. You've come an incredibly long way, and held your courage and sense of humour through it all.
Keep trying, don't give up, and you will prevail.
Don't drop your bundle now
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Bubba....
just a suggestion....all those phone numbers you have...when you call them in the evening...ask if they know of any job openings.
you can vent all you want here....please remember how well you are doing and that you have pulled yourself so far up..YOU did this. I am hoping you find something very soon.
just a suggestion....all those phone numbers you have...when you call them in the evening...ask if they know of any job openings.
you can vent all you want here....please remember how well you are doing and that you have pulled yourself so far up..YOU did this. I am hoping you find something very soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Gosh, TB, I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you right now.
Try to turn around your thinking and beliefs about yourself. You've come a long way and you're a good person. There is a job out there for you and a place to live too. I hope that you can stay positive.
Try to turn around your thinking and beliefs about yourself. You've come a long way and you're a good person. There is a job out there for you and a place to live too. I hope that you can stay positive.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Thank y'all...
It's not so much that I thought I couldn't get a job, it's why. I did think I could, didn't see any reason I couldn't. But when they run the background check, they got stopped at a job I had with a college professor... he's on summer vacation now.
So any other job will likely result in the same.
And yeah, I can go live in the homeless shelter in a nearby city. They had a news item where this one guy there managed to find a job after only 8 months. So... how do people survive at homeless shelters?
So I guess I go off and be the best happiest homeless person ever. Ain't got much left to lose nohow, and it's been about that way since y'all met me.
Thank you for saying I could say things in here though... that didn't work out so well when I talked to people at the meeting. I should accept what I got, is the gist of that. Seems easy for people to say when they gotta go back to work and their family is waiting at their home.
Sometimes I wish I'd never left home. I gotta admit, my daddy was right... it wasn't worth it. I got away from the hopelessness of never going to make it, to exchange it for the hopelessness of never going to make it--only without them around for laughter and support.
TB, trying to hang in there.
It's not so much that I thought I couldn't get a job, it's why. I did think I could, didn't see any reason I couldn't. But when they run the background check, they got stopped at a job I had with a college professor... he's on summer vacation now.
So any other job will likely result in the same.
And yeah, I can go live in the homeless shelter in a nearby city. They had a news item where this one guy there managed to find a job after only 8 months. So... how do people survive at homeless shelters?
So I guess I go off and be the best happiest homeless person ever. Ain't got much left to lose nohow, and it's been about that way since y'all met me.
Thank you for saying I could say things in here though... that didn't work out so well when I talked to people at the meeting. I should accept what I got, is the gist of that. Seems easy for people to say when they gotta go back to work and their family is waiting at their home.
Sometimes I wish I'd never left home. I gotta admit, my daddy was right... it wasn't worth it. I got away from the hopelessness of never going to make it, to exchange it for the hopelessness of never going to make it--only without them around for laughter and support.
TB, trying to hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I'm a little bit astonished you can't see how far you've come TB.
You've already accomplished more than a lot of people.
You really need to cut yourself some slack.
You will find that job TB - and then everything else will fall into place
D
You've already accomplished more than a lot of people.
You really need to cut yourself some slack.
You will find that job TB - and then everything else will fall into place
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I don't like that rehab's philosophy at all. Being negative is NOT helpful. F... them anyway, and the horse they rode in on. Rehab is supposed to help you prepare for a better life, not constantly throw the old one in your face. I'd tell 'em to 'bite it'. Jerks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi TB
Have you done the steps in AA yet? Think it would be a good time to start or continue so that you can start to see things different! Obviously things will work out how they work out with regard to the flat, shelter, job etc but you must make sure that you can handle whatever comes along and that won't happen by magic...
You need people too, you are not going home to your pc and surfing whilst pondering life you are in the middle of it where practical action and advice is needed...
take care
Have you done the steps in AA yet? Think it would be a good time to start or continue so that you can start to see things different! Obviously things will work out how they work out with regard to the flat, shelter, job etc but you must make sure that you can handle whatever comes along and that won't happen by magic...
You need people too, you are not going home to your pc and surfing whilst pondering life you are in the middle of it where practical action and advice is needed...
take care
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
TB,
I agree with Dee; .... you've come a hell of a long way, and need to "cut yourself some slack"
It's real easy ; like you said, for folks to suggest this and that, while they have the comfort and support of family and employement. Back when I was "homeless" ...that word wasn't even in use like today. We just thought of it as being "on the road"
(I know what you mean about how it can wear ya down.)
Sometimes scrambling around for any kind of work (part-time, or temporary) can lead to something better , once folks see the kind of work you do.
Investing in yourself is the most important starting point, and 10+ months sobriety is a damn good start.
One things for sure, .... moving forward you'll know genuine gratitude.
Prayers your way
I agree with Dee; .... you've come a hell of a long way, and need to "cut yourself some slack"
It's real easy ; like you said, for folks to suggest this and that, while they have the comfort and support of family and employement. Back when I was "homeless" ...that word wasn't even in use like today. We just thought of it as being "on the road"
(I know what you mean about how it can wear ya down.)
Sometimes scrambling around for any kind of work (part-time, or temporary) can lead to something better , once folks see the kind of work you do.
Investing in yourself is the most important starting point, and 10+ months sobriety is a damn good start.
One things for sure, .... moving forward you'll know genuine gratitude.
Prayers your way
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Whoa there...it's not over till it's over...didn't you ever hear of faith? It's when you trust something will happen even if you can't see it, no matter what -and usually with the influence of the HP and positivity it usually does.
If your head is stuck in a world of shelters and have an attitude that life sucks...chances are great that you will remain there. Step out of the box...don't let one letdown put you in the red. Things happen for a reason...have faith that this is true. Have faith that you WILL find a job (that you like) and you WILL get an apt. (you can afford).
I learned in rehab that there are no bad people...just good people that made bad choices. You are awesome for your sobriety alone, for your efforts, your determination and stability. Keep going...take action...stay on your path (and don't go back to that rehab).
Wishing you peace and strength.
If your head is stuck in a world of shelters and have an attitude that life sucks...chances are great that you will remain there. Step out of the box...don't let one letdown put you in the red. Things happen for a reason...have faith that this is true. Have faith that you WILL find a job (that you like) and you WILL get an apt. (you can afford).
I learned in rehab that there are no bad people...just good people that made bad choices. You are awesome for your sobriety alone, for your efforts, your determination and stability. Keep going...take action...stay on your path (and don't go back to that rehab).
Wishing you peace and strength.
Eternally Grateful 4/25/08
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 212
I will just reiterate what everyone else has said. You have A LOT to be proud about, so keep your head up. Is there any way you could contact the university faculty office directly and get an alternate contact # for that reference? You could just let them know that it is tripping you up in your process of trying to get a job. It's worth a shot...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
TB, I am thinking of you and like others said - you are worth it and I hope you can see what I do......the amazing progress you have made. You have done so well and by getting yourself together.....well you can change any darn thing in your life that you want. You know these things take some time and sometimes we have to beat down quite a few doors in life to get to the right one.
Life is balance my friend and keeping positive is so important.
You know we are here for you. I have found so many things in my life happened for a reason and have led me to where I am. God bless the broken road ya know.
Huggs.
Life is balance my friend and keeping positive is so important.
You know we are here for you. I have found so many things in my life happened for a reason and have led me to where I am. God bless the broken road ya know.
Huggs.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Well, sometime yesterday that whole frustrated feeling went away. I think it just takes me about 24 hours to get used to something is all.
I appreciate all y'alls comments, but I don't think I've come very far in life. Kinda stayed put, really. I think that's why the idea of being homeless bothers me so much. It's not a tumble down. I just don't have a regular place to stay.
Anyways, I suppose I'm much more positive about it today. Just go through life. It's what I've always done...
Take care y'all,
TB.
I appreciate all y'alls comments, but I don't think I've come very far in life. Kinda stayed put, really. I think that's why the idea of being homeless bothers me so much. It's not a tumble down. I just don't have a regular place to stay.
Anyways, I suppose I'm much more positive about it today. Just go through life. It's what I've always done...
Take care y'all,
TB.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Bubba sweetheart
You may not feel like you have come that far in your physical environment, but mentally I can see that you have come forward in leaps and bounds. You talk things through in a logical manner and are processing your thoughts rather than reaching for a bottle. Please give yourself some credit for that at least hon :ghug3
Just remember, that no matter what life throws at us, alcohol is NEVER going to make it go away or improve.
luv ya x
You may not feel like you have come that far in your physical environment, but mentally I can see that you have come forward in leaps and bounds. You talk things through in a logical manner and are processing your thoughts rather than reaching for a bottle. Please give yourself some credit for that at least hon :ghug3
Just remember, that no matter what life throws at us, alcohol is NEVER going to make it go away or improve.
luv ya x
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Well, I'll allow that there might be something to this patience-and-do-the-right-thing thing getting positive results.
A week and a half later (after the wait began), it's looking like I might just have a job and an apartment after all.
This has got to be the hardest thing I've dealt with sober, remaining sober and all. Don't think I've ever tried to throw myself violently off this wagon so much as this, and thus far I have not experienced the alleged pink cloud for even an hour, I don't believe.
Wow. Still not in the clear, but... somehow got through it all drunk. Stopped caring about halfway through, of course--not about sobriety but about ever being able to take care of myself again.
Ugh. Sobriety is rough on my heart. Drinking was rough on my liver. Let 'em fight it out.
Take care y'all,
TB
A week and a half later (after the wait began), it's looking like I might just have a job and an apartment after all.
This has got to be the hardest thing I've dealt with sober, remaining sober and all. Don't think I've ever tried to throw myself violently off this wagon so much as this, and thus far I have not experienced the alleged pink cloud for even an hour, I don't believe.
Wow. Still not in the clear, but... somehow got through it all drunk. Stopped caring about halfway through, of course--not about sobriety but about ever being able to take care of myself again.
Ugh. Sobriety is rough on my heart. Drinking was rough on my liver. Let 'em fight it out.
Take care y'all,
TB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I'm really happy things are looking up for you TB
To be honest the first year of my sobriety was pretty rough too - my life hadn't changed in any material way - I was still the mayor of Struggletown...but I knew I held a better hand sober than I did as a drunk...and I gained an appreciation of the important stuff - I wasn't dead, I was reasonably healthy, I was able to laugh, and my life had some meaning again.
And eventually the nuts and bolts things of life did improve for me, so I hope this is the start of something good for you too
D
To be honest the first year of my sobriety was pretty rough too - my life hadn't changed in any material way - I was still the mayor of Struggletown...but I knew I held a better hand sober than I did as a drunk...and I gained an appreciation of the important stuff - I wasn't dead, I was reasonably healthy, I was able to laugh, and my life had some meaning again.
And eventually the nuts and bolts things of life did improve for me, so I hope this is the start of something good for you too
D
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Yes, I can see that Dee, that things aren't better and to my mind they aren't gonna get better, well much at any rate. But they are better than when I was drinking. Or better put, I'm better. I can see things clearly (too clearly in my opinion) and I actually care that they get better, which is something I'm not sure was consistent back then. So at least I suppose I got a fighting chance.
It's funny, a week ago I was waiting on that background check, now I'm just waiting on a start date (went crazy on Monday and called them, so I got the status update).
Waiting both times, and this time it feels a whole lot different. It's only been a blessed week. Yep, I'm changing... right before my eyes.
And every night I walk down this bar-filled street to the bus stop, and how that affects me changes depending on the day, my mood, all sorts of stuff--I'm seeing this, it's weird. Have not ventured into any of them, have almost been thrown up on though. Some lady grabbed me for support. I think I shoved her out of the way out of reflex more than I realized she was going to be sick. But it's real reassuring to know I'm not gonna be acting like that (don't think I ever did, but there's always yets) if I don't get drunk again.
It's funny, a week ago I was waiting on that background check, now I'm just waiting on a start date (went crazy on Monday and called them, so I got the status update).
Waiting both times, and this time it feels a whole lot different. It's only been a blessed week. Yep, I'm changing... right before my eyes.
And every night I walk down this bar-filled street to the bus stop, and how that affects me changes depending on the day, my mood, all sorts of stuff--I'm seeing this, it's weird. Have not ventured into any of them, have almost been thrown up on though. Some lady grabbed me for support. I think I shoved her out of the way out of reflex more than I realized she was going to be sick. But it's real reassuring to know I'm not gonna be acting like that (don't think I ever did, but there's always yets) if I don't get drunk again.
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