Wharf Rat

I have a week 'dry' and I am dreading going to AA meetings. I am convinced its the only way I can be a happy sober person, because just 'not drinking' is not working. I am miserable.

I have so much to be grateful for. A loving wife, our baby son due in August, a job and home that I am very proud of. But inside I am a mess, and I always have been. Drinking has helped me cope over the years-in times of joy and of course in times of sadness and fear. But now thats not an option anymore.

I guess my biggest problem is that I am not even at Step 1. I still feel like I can 'control' drinking, even though time and time again its been a disaster. I just can't imagine my life without alcohol, and at this moment I truly don't believe in my heart that I'll never drink again.

Is it pointless to even go to AA if I feel this way? Should I 'fake it till I make it'? I need help. Thanks..

FNW

Yes, you should go! There is a reason we have 2 ears and one mouth. Listen - soak up what you hear. Some if it may ring true for you and help. Good luck!

Mark75

Hey wharf rat!

Go to AA, go to a few different meetings. Hear, first hand, other's experience, strength and hope...

It is hard to get that willingness!! My bottom was raised for me by a kind of workplace intervention. I was in a pretty miserable place... I could not imagine a sober life, just couldn't do it!

I was able to get my head around the 3rd step, however... Turning my will over to my higher power. I abdicated my choice, I don't get to choose. Therefore I don't have to. Once I was able to get that burden lifted I was able to get into a meaningful 1st step experience.... Well, anyway, that worked for me.

You have been blessed with a family, job and home... So whatever you believe...
Fate, God's grace, quasars (estimated prophet, LOL)... There are some things a man does not get to choose... Some of them are very very good.

1undone

Can't hurt to go. You may be uncomfortable but no one else will know what you are going through but another alcoholic. Just being with those that struggle as you do makes your situation easier to look at. If you continue down a lonely path what will change?

I was messed in the head my first few meetings, I still am but at least I'm not completely alone anymore. I say give it a try. I know what you're going through and it sucks!

Latte

One of my most favorite things about AA/NA was that they understood! Every time I walk out of an AA meeting I have learned something and I did not feel alone. It was an amazing feeling to be in a room full of people who got me. I haven't ever been in a similar situation, where I knew that someone in that room (if not everyone) knew exactly how I felt, or even how I was feeling right at that moment.

Mcribb

it takes work.

SwanSong

Absolutely you should go. From what I've seen people don't come walking into AA (typically, there are exceptions) throwing their arms up in the air saying "I've arrived, I'm here people, I *never* want to drink again, and every notion that I can maybe drink like a normal person again has already been smashed!" - that's the ideal case in a perfect world. Many of us stumble in because we've run out of options and so we figure, to be a bit cliche, here's the last house on the block, let's see what they can do....

Others of us come in truly willing to be rid of this obsession and live a sober life, but are still on step 0 (thinking something else can cure our alcoholism, like a new job, woman, money, etc.) but end up staying and getting from 0 to 1 (step zero is my example, it's not an official step). Often times it is through the help of a sponsor taking us through the step work that this idea is smashed.

Bottom line, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. They will welcome you and as the others have said you may hear 'just' what you need to hear to keep you coming back. My AA journey was and is a transformation of me from the inside out. Best of luck!

theatredork

yes, go. keep going. it is a journey. there is a reason there are 12 steps, and that they are in the order they are in.

Abbzi

My opinion only..

With the depth of our individual drinking.. hell we were all 'faking it;

Ur better faking motivation in AA.. till u get the drift and hold it as ur own and continuing the downward spiral

I faked it for a long time...maybe 10 months. but then I got 11 wonderful straight years..

Its called here 'planting a seed' ...

FT

Hey WharfRat:

There was a time that I could not imagine my life without alcohol, and I "controlled" my drinking by not having any until after 3 pm every day. That was once my definition of an alcoholic! I really felt that people who did not drink in the morning were not alcoholics.

Well, that was over 20 years ago. My husband and I quit drinking at the same time, and neither of us ever drank again. The way it worked for me -- and I don't recommend this to anyone else by the way -- I kept a bottle of cold duck (my favorite) in the fridge where I could see it whenever I wanted to look at it, knowing I COULD drink it if I wanted to. Every day, I made myself wait until 3 pm, and instead of drinking I would do something else, eat, leave, run, whatever could distract me, and then I would go back and look at it again. Did I REALLY want it? NEED it? I distracted myself that way for months, and the knowing it was mine if I wanted it actually helped me not to drink it. I don't know to this day whatever happened to that bottle, because I never did drink it.

It took about 3 years of "talking ourselves down" on a regular basis, my husband and I. I mean, we had to keep "convincing" ourselves that we did not need to drink. For him, he had to quit playing pool, because that was where the beer and wine was. We do make sacrifices to make this work.

So, at 1 week out, I would not realistically expect you to feel "good" about not drinking.

What happens eventually, if you are firm in your commitment, is that you suddenly realize that you are just a "non-drinker" and it becomes a way of life that you don't have to work so hard on.

You realize that you aren't the only non drinker, and NOBODY cares if you are not drinking except for you. There is ALWAYS a non drinker in any crowd of random people, in fact MANY non drinkers for various reasons. No one will notice you at all.

The time you are putting in that you are suffering from wanting to drink, are necessary and important, if you really don't want to be a "drinker" any more. It is really worth it. The freedom that comes with not being chained to a drink or a drug, is just an amazing, wonderful feeling.

FT

susanlauren

Wharf Rat,
I don't think any of us really want to go to AA. I sure didn't. I was angry and resentful at the whole deal. That I was alcoholic. That I couldn't drink like a normal person. That I couldn't do this sobriety thing on my own. That I needed to go to AA. That I needed a program of recovery. I felt very much as you feel now.

My advice to you: go. listen. talk to the people there. tell them where you are at, what you are struggling with. be completely honest. ask for help. get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. read the book from the very beginning, especially the first 164 pages. find a sponsor who will help you take the twelve steps directly from the book. do what is asked of you, be as thorough and as honest as you can be.

I was just as miserable as you are now. Not drinking was not a solution; it meant that I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. I followed the advice I am giving you (above). I gave myself to the process of working the steps. My life changed dramatically, for the better, as a result. I am an entirely new person inside. Night and day difference.

That can happen for you too if you do the work and take the steps. By the way, if you are interested, go back and look at some of my old posts. I think you will be inspired.
Susan

Anna

I know that recovery takes continued work. I don't use AA but I have always worked on my recovery every day.

Honestly, I had to believe that drinking was no longer an option before my mind started to work in a healthy way to find better ways of dealing with life.

Pigtails

I understand. I feel like a hypocrite saying "I'm an alcoholic" when I'm not convinced that I am. I start to feel like I can control it and I don't want this label or this not-drinking or this AA stuff to define me any more than I want drinking to define me or have my life revolve around it. I think my problem is, I just want to be normal, and I'm not. Like you I have so many messed up issues inside and drinking was my way to cope with them but it ended up making everything worse. If that's not a definition of an alcoholic, then I don't know what is. To me alcohol is just one of many issues that I have and sometimes I get plain tired of dealing with them.

I think that in my heart and gut I know I have a big problem with alcohol but my head keeps trying to find different ways to deal with it.

The reason I go to AA even when I don't feel like it-- even when I'm faking it-- is that the people there are so amazing. I have never felt so welcomed and accepted in my whole life. I was reading a part of the big book where someone said that they felt like they never fit in anywhere (I can so relate) and once they got to AA it was the first time they felt like they belonged somewhere.

Wow, that hit home. I started feeling like a pathetic loser for only being able to fit in with people in AA. I know that sounds horrible but honestly it's how I felt. Like wow I am so messed up that the only people like me are other alcoholics and messed up people. But still it is what it is and I have to be honest with myself. It feels like these people care about me more than people I have known for years. It feels like they know exactly what I'm going through and they truly want to help. And they are sober and they are happy. I can tell that they are happy and it is rare for me to meet people I feel are truly happy. So what is so wrong with belonging to such a group? Maybe my perceptions of it were all wrong.

I hope I've helped. I don't have all the answers but I just wanted to say I can relate. Sometimes I never want to go to AA again in my life. I just want to forget all about it and pretend I'm normal. But pretending it what got me here. I know I have to face these things and be honest with myself.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

yeahgr8

Just go down and keep an open mind man...advice i was given 10 years before i got sober when i still thought i could control it and the only people that went to AA were sad old gits! They have got a solution for what you are describing and i was exactly the same as you...it will suck if you wait but maybe thats your journey, hope it isn't for you but if you don't go you will guarantee that you will keep doing what you always have done...good luck!

Ahhhh just noticed the "im an alcoholic" thing coming up...being an alcoholic is all about how you feel, you mentioned that you are a mess inside and use drink to help, that is a real good indication that you might be an alcoholic...it's the mess bit that would make you an alcoholic, the frequency of drinking and the quantity is irrelevant...people tried to explain that to me but i was convinced an alcoholic was someone who drank everyday from morning to night and was smelly and unemployed lol So many idiots think like this and i was one...i was wrong by the way:-)

MemphisBlues

In the earliest days of my still early recovery (eight months), I found it was the meeting I didn't want to go to was the meeting I needed the most. I think you'll find what I did, that I have never gone to a meeting and not walked out feeling better, having learned something, or having learned a lot.

Go. I do. Everyday, sometimes twice. They say hit 90 meetings in 90 days. I probably hit 120 or so.

At eight months, I do skip days, and feel lousy for doing so. Today I'm going to a new meeting I've never been to before. Honestly, I don't want to. But there is so much more to sobriety than just not drinking. That's what I'm after, and I find it every time I enter the rooms.

Dee74

hey Wharf Rat

When I was first here, I'd suffered concussion and then several mini strokes from my last drink and a home detox....and I still wasn't convinced I needed to quit for good....maybe a few months would be enough?

I'm eternally grateful to the SR community for calling me on my nonsense and showing me that what I was thinking was ridiculous.

From friends I've spoken to I'm sure AA can fulfill the same function, WR

It's a scary thing to stand on that mental cliff and think of living sober.
Change and fear can go together for a lot of us.

But you're not alone - I think most of us, if not all of us know how you feel

Rat, if you don't try something different, all you'll have is more of the same.

Give it a go....make that leap of faith...didn't the Dead sing once 'once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right?'

D

ForLove

This may not be worth much as I'm just restarting this path but I wanted to share something with you in the hope that it will help your decision. I got sober for a little over two years without AA, therapy, or any other form of help. I was like many here that didn't want to ask for assistance. I wrongly viewed it as a personal weakness and I thought I could do it all on my own.

During those two years, my life improved dramatically but something was still missing. I hadn't dealt with any of the issues that led me to drink. I still had anger and anxiety inside of me. Although I was a pretty happy person, I was just existing as a 'dry drunk.' In a way, I tried to ignore and forget the fact that I had all these problems with drugs and alcohol. I attempted to just erase those memories and not deal with the past. That's no path to living happily sober.

After having experienced a relapse after my two years of sobriety, I'm back at square one with a firm belief that we all need some sort of help with getting better. Not drinking is definitely a great step in the right direction but I feel that to live a happy, serene life, we need to address those underlying issues that drove us to the bottle in the first place. I will certainly be getting involved in AA this time around. I want to work the steps. I want to deal with the negativity I've bottled up.

The only reason I'm saying this is so that you can perhaps see that not drinking just isn't enough. It wasn't for me. It may be enough for you but that's been my experience. Let us all know how it goes at your meetings if you end up going.

Zebra1275

If you don't go, what are you going to do instead?

Sit home, feel miserable and ultimately drink?