Stumbled
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 51
Stumbled
Well, I went 5 days, even made it past the dreaded Friday...
Then on Saturday I drank. My wife suggested we go out for a drink, she doesnt' know of my problem, other than to have noticed that I drink too much sometimes.
I had 2 beers while out with her and then another 5 or 6 drinks without her knowing. Then today I went out and met a friend. Had a good 7 beers with him.
I sit here and type this now and feel like dirt. I haven't had a beer for several hours now, but I just feel like I hit a giant reset button. I feel like I will be sluggish tomorrow and then will go through the next few days gathering my mental strength together, and by the time I feel like I am making progress I will drink again...
Grrr.... just having a rough time at the moment and felt like I needed to post. I already feel better and while I may have lost a battle, the war is far from over.
Then on Saturday I drank. My wife suggested we go out for a drink, she doesnt' know of my problem, other than to have noticed that I drink too much sometimes.
I had 2 beers while out with her and then another 5 or 6 drinks without her knowing. Then today I went out and met a friend. Had a good 7 beers with him.
I sit here and type this now and feel like dirt. I haven't had a beer for several hours now, but I just feel like I hit a giant reset button. I feel like I will be sluggish tomorrow and then will go through the next few days gathering my mental strength together, and by the time I feel like I am making progress I will drink again...
Grrr.... just having a rough time at the moment and felt like I needed to post. I already feel better and while I may have lost a battle, the war is far from over.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
Sorry to hear that Reed.
Many of us have a false start or two
Do you think it's time you came clean to your wife at least, Reed?
Just my opinion, but it's hard enough trying to get sober without also trying to keep a secret as well, I think.
What was your support this time?
What do you think you can add this time to make things work?
D
Many of us have a false start or two
I had 2 beers while out with her and then another 5 or 6 drinks without her knowing
Just my opinion, but it's hard enough trying to get sober without also trying to keep a secret as well, I think.
What was your support this time?
What do you think you can add this time to make things work?
D
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: auckland
Posts: 99
Hi Reed 22
Im sorry for your stumble! Remember many people on this site relapsed many of times on their way to recovery. I have relapsed numerous times and have realised I need to do something different to make it work this time! Have you thought of telling you wife you think you have a problem? Wouldn't she be supportive?
Im sorry for your stumble! Remember many people on this site relapsed many of times on their way to recovery. I have relapsed numerous times and have realised I need to do something different to make it work this time! Have you thought of telling you wife you think you have a problem? Wouldn't she be supportive?
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 51
hehe, seems like I have one every week. But I suppose it is a process. I have moved from a place where I didn't think I had a problem to a place where I know I do and I am in a battle each week.
The thing is, I am not a raging drunk, or a troublemaker, or particularly hurtful when I drink.
Instead it saps me. It takes from me my very essence it seems. The energy and confidence that I have after a week of not drinking is like the promised land. But even one beer is like a posion that seeps into every facet of my being, even if I am not acting pursuant to the alcohol.
It's just maddening. WHY CANT I JUST HAVE ONE OR TWO AND BE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!?
I guess its because I'm NOT a "normal" person. I am an alcoholic, and just one beer takes me to a place where I don't have to care about things, to a sanctuary that is totally and utterly false.
tomorrow I start again...
The thing is, I am not a raging drunk, or a troublemaker, or particularly hurtful when I drink.
Instead it saps me. It takes from me my very essence it seems. The energy and confidence that I have after a week of not drinking is like the promised land. But even one beer is like a posion that seeps into every facet of my being, even if I am not acting pursuant to the alcohol.
It's just maddening. WHY CANT I JUST HAVE ONE OR TWO AND BE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!?
I guess its because I'm NOT a "normal" person. I am an alcoholic, and just one beer takes me to a place where I don't have to care about things, to a sanctuary that is totally and utterly false.
tomorrow I start again...
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 51
Cairns87:
I have thought about telling her... I suppose it is a part of my shame that I don't. My fear is that she'll hold me to actually not drinking, and I don't know about that yet. It makes me mad at myself that I don't do that, but there is such fear in that level of commitment...
I have thought about telling her... I suppose it is a part of my shame that I don't. My fear is that she'll hold me to actually not drinking, and I don't know about that yet. It makes me mad at myself that I don't do that, but there is such fear in that level of commitment...
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
My wife knows I have an "issue" . don't feel the need to engage her in the "alcoholic -disease debate"- it's a distraction.For her it is not as big an issue as it is for me. She sees my blowouts as being separate from the rest of it. Even though she does not "understand" but she helps me out- I am training her not to "enable" me. Whist our current arrangement is not "normal" it is working for the better. As one example my wife will now never offer me a drink, if she is going to have one at home. If we go out, and drinks will be on offer I am the driver, as I will not drink and drive (unless it is the morning after !!!).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
Seems like you have two competing dialogues going on in your head Redd - like most of us.
You know it's bad...
but you can't let it go.
I'd encourage you to think more about the former group of thoughts than the latter.
Noone wants to be 'that guy' but it is what it is - the sooner we face up to that fact and accept what we are, I promise you the better things will be for you
The longer you prevaricate tho? Things can and do get worse, Reed.
D
You know it's bad...
Instead it saps me. It takes from me my very essence it seems. The energy and confidence that I have after a week of not drinking is like the promised land. But even one beer is like a posion that seeps into every facet of my being, even if I am not acting pursuant to the alcohol.
I guess its because I'm NOT a "normal" person. I am an alcoholic, and just one beer takes me to a place where I don't have to care about things, to a sanctuary that is totally and utterly false.
I have thought about telling her... I suppose it is a part of my shame that I don't. My fear is that she'll hold me to actually not drinking, and I don't know about that yet. It makes me mad at myself that I don't do that, but there is such fear in that level of commitment...
I feel like I will be sluggish tomorrow and then will go through the next few days gathering my mental strength together, and by the time I feel like I am making progress I will drink again...
It's just maddening. WHY CANT I JUST HAVE ONE OR TWO AND BE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!?
Noone wants to be 'that guy' but it is what it is - the sooner we face up to that fact and accept what we are, I promise you the better things will be for you
The longer you prevaricate tho? Things can and do get worse, Reed.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with Dee. I don't see how you are going to deal with this in a successful way and keep it a secret from your wife.
And, in a weird way (not judging--we are all weird this way) you are allowing her to be your excuse to keep drinking (she might "hold you to it"). You can continue to blame your drinking on her inviting you out for a drink.
Either you're serious about this or you're not. Sounds to me as if you are sort of wishily-washily musing that it would be a good idea to quit drinking. When you are serious, you will do what needs to be done.
And, in a weird way (not judging--we are all weird this way) you are allowing her to be your excuse to keep drinking (she might "hold you to it"). You can continue to blame your drinking on her inviting you out for a drink.
Either you're serious about this or you're not. Sounds to me as if you are sort of wishily-washily musing that it would be a good idea to quit drinking. When you are serious, you will do what needs to be done.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: auckland
Posts: 99
Hi Reed. Yes I can totally relate to not being able to tell her. I am not in a relationship at present but I could not tell my family yet as they would not understand. They do not know how much I have poisined myself with alcahol. Maybe if im lucky enough to get a bit of sobriety up my sleave people will slowly notice that I mean business when I said I have given up. So maybe she doesn't need to know you think your an alcaholic. Maybe just tell her you don't like the way alcahol makes you feel and you would rather be healthier?
What do you think?
Cairns
What do you think?
Cairns
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 38
I was impressed by you realisng you have a problem. When I was in those early stages of drinking, how shall I put it nicely, er, privately, I was not honest with myself in allowing me to even think I had a problem. I just did it. And what followed was years of lying to myself to the point that I really believed it. 'If no one knows you are doing it then you aren't.' I totally faked my way through things. And largely got away with it. But in my life and it took years -- that I will never get back-- that 'private' drinking took over. I didn't have to 'fess up to my husband about it or childdren either as it became very very apparent as I could no longer function in my role as wife and mother.
But there was another problem which combined with the drinking made my life unbearable. It was only a year and a half ago that I told my husband about it and telling him was huge as bring this out into th eopen meant I had to either deal with it or get really cunning. I told him that I am bulimic as well. Poor man. I wan't ready to get over the eating disorder but it put him into hyper-vigilance about that too. Okay this is long and way too drawn out but in hindsight, as I love my husband, telling him was for me the right thing to do as bringing a problem into the open helps the problem-person. However if that problem-person is not ready to take it seriously and deal with it, it adds so much stress and perceived responsibility to their partner. I my case I believe I used my husband in two ways: one, to make him sorry for me, all that I had to go through; and two, to get him involved and make him help me. The truth is, for me anyway, I am a tough nut (again putting it very politely) and the only one who can help me is ME.
Clearly by your post you are introspective and that will stand you in great stead for the journey you are embarking upon. I truly wish I had been in my earlier years. Good luck
But there was another problem which combined with the drinking made my life unbearable. It was only a year and a half ago that I told my husband about it and telling him was huge as bring this out into th eopen meant I had to either deal with it or get really cunning. I told him that I am bulimic as well. Poor man. I wan't ready to get over the eating disorder but it put him into hyper-vigilance about that too. Okay this is long and way too drawn out but in hindsight, as I love my husband, telling him was for me the right thing to do as bringing a problem into the open helps the problem-person. However if that problem-person is not ready to take it seriously and deal with it, it adds so much stress and perceived responsibility to their partner. I my case I believe I used my husband in two ways: one, to make him sorry for me, all that I had to go through; and two, to get him involved and make him help me. The truth is, for me anyway, I am a tough nut (again putting it very politely) and the only one who can help me is ME.
Clearly by your post you are introspective and that will stand you in great stead for the journey you are embarking upon. I truly wish I had been in my earlier years. Good luck
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Originally Posted by Reed22 
My fear is that she'll hold me to actually not drinking, and I don't know about that yet. ...
I'm glad you're back and working on recovery again, Reed.
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Secrets keep me sick. Rigorous honesty keeps me in recovery.
This is the great obsession of every chemical dependent. This specific obsession used to alienate me. Now it serves a reminder that normal is a setting on a clothes dryer and that I have access to literally thousands of people just like me. I'm just a different variety of normal.
WHY CANT I JUST HAVE ONE OR TWO AND BE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 9
Insanity
If it helps, think about that cliched definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. For me, I had to keep trying new things until I finally found what worked for me (AA meetings, btw). I tried controlled drinking, and it didn't work. I tried just on the weekends, just one or two each night, etc. I tried gritting my teeth and just not drinking and could get a few weeks under my belt. I even tried online programs like this one, which is a nice supplement for me but not enough (it is for some, though, I know).
It is good that you realize you have a problem, and it is amazing that you are looking for help and exploring your options. Try bringing your wife into the discussion. One of the greatest outcomes of my sobriety has been a newly honest and fun relationship with my husband. Not perfect by any means, but so, so much better than what we had.
Good luck!
It is good that you realize you have a problem, and it is amazing that you are looking for help and exploring your options. Try bringing your wife into the discussion. One of the greatest outcomes of my sobriety has been a newly honest and fun relationship with my husband. Not perfect by any means, but so, so much better than what we had.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Reed - don't beat yourself up over this - your physical feeling is enough punishment. We are not perfect. Don't let it get you in a bad rut - just accept it and start over. Today's a new day.
My husband does not know the extent of what my drinking has been either, why don't you just say it's for your health? I agree with Instant - Right now I'm vulnerable enough (day 9 and feeling a little nervous) and I am not ready to have the heavy deep conversation of the extent of my drinking and my final plans for the rest of eternity. The conversation will come but for now I'm just adjusting to not drinking and starting a new lifestyle and being stable and comfortable with it.
And chiming along again with Instant - my husband has had wine and beer while I have had water or diet coke, both out and at home. He's now gone for the week again on business so this week will be another one of will. Spending lots of time being busy and distracted!!
I decided to go on a health kick - I bought a 14-day cleanse from a vitamin shoppe and you are not allowed to drink on it. It has made it easy to not have to get heavy as to why I am not enjoying drinks anymore with him. And coupled with SR - it keeps me accountable, not to mention feeling sooo much better.
You did the most important thing by taking the first step. Just because you stumbled doesn't mean you can't do it. There lots of us newbies here - we're all in it together!!!
My husband does not know the extent of what my drinking has been either, why don't you just say it's for your health? I agree with Instant - Right now I'm vulnerable enough (day 9 and feeling a little nervous) and I am not ready to have the heavy deep conversation of the extent of my drinking and my final plans for the rest of eternity. The conversation will come but for now I'm just adjusting to not drinking and starting a new lifestyle and being stable and comfortable with it.
And chiming along again with Instant - my husband has had wine and beer while I have had water or diet coke, both out and at home. He's now gone for the week again on business so this week will be another one of will. Spending lots of time being busy and distracted!!
I decided to go on a health kick - I bought a 14-day cleanse from a vitamin shoppe and you are not allowed to drink on it. It has made it easy to not have to get heavy as to why I am not enjoying drinks anymore with him. And coupled with SR - it keeps me accountable, not to mention feeling sooo much better.
You did the most important thing by taking the first step. Just because you stumbled doesn't mean you can't do it. There lots of us newbies here - we're all in it together!!!
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 51
Thank to everyone here! It feels so good to have support and to be able to share my struggles.
In complete candor, I know why I don't tell my wife: because a few days later I'll want a beer and she will remind me that I don't want to drink. But by then I've kind of submitted mentally to drinking that day and it just makes me feel ashamed.
But it is this block that I have to get over... I can't be only 50% committed, not when I have a 100% problem!
Well, this is day 1 again, but I think I will have a discussion with my wife tonight, she is my best friend as well as my partner in life and I know she will be supportive. I won't let my own fear and shame hold me back! Even if I position it as wanting to be "healthier" or to shed a few pounds, at least I will have taken the very important step of sharing this with the most supportive person in my life.
THanks SR!
In complete candor, I know why I don't tell my wife: because a few days later I'll want a beer and she will remind me that I don't want to drink. But by then I've kind of submitted mentally to drinking that day and it just makes me feel ashamed.
But it is this block that I have to get over... I can't be only 50% committed, not when I have a 100% problem!
Well, this is day 1 again, but I think I will have a discussion with my wife tonight, she is my best friend as well as my partner in life and I know she will be supportive. I won't let my own fear and shame hold me back! Even if I position it as wanting to be "healthier" or to shed a few pounds, at least I will have taken the very important step of sharing this with the most supportive person in my life.
THanks SR!
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