I made an effort
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Aysha, I am uterly gobsmacked by the fact that you don't feel you have ever had consequence as a result of your addiction. That you have always come out the other side without a scratch. You don't consider homelessness, engaging in desperate actions in order to secure crack, being roughed up and going to jail for breaking into a house and stealing, not having consequences and coming out the other side without a scratch? Maybe you should look at your yardstick of measure.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Exactly gerry. Thats what I mean. My idea of consequences arent typical. Its all just normal **** I have been through for years. I know it isnt normal. And I knwo I have had consequences. But thats how it affects me. It doesnt really. And thats the problem.
I care but I have through it so much it has lost its meaning. Just like saying sorry has totally lost its meaning when it comes out of my mouth.
I am sick and my mind is very twisted. Its pitiful.
I want to say that I by no means think I am different or better than the next person. I know I am not unique at all. If anything I am the one who is inferior to others. Only because I am not trying or gettin it when I know what I need to do. BUt sitting here like this and rambling ccomplihes nothign.
I need to stop talkin and start walking.
I have to. I just got to get past that dam ego. Itskilling me , literally. Pride has gotten me almost killed a few times. Like I always have to prove somehting. I dont know what that is or to who I feel I need to prove anything to.
Monday I am taking the entire day to call every place I can think of and see what I can do. Its time. Its now or never. I am gettin too old for this ****. And my luck will def run out eventually. I odnt want to see what that is like. I know it will be the ultinate end to end all when that finally happens. I know I can do it if I just go ahead and do it. I am not a bad person. And I like to think thats what has kept me alive so far. But even good people have bad things happen to them. I dont want to have to get to the point where a serious wake up is what finally snaps em out of this. Because it will be something really bad and I may not have the chance to wake up. It is critical I let go of this delusion of mine.
I care but I have through it so much it has lost its meaning. Just like saying sorry has totally lost its meaning when it comes out of my mouth.
I am sick and my mind is very twisted. Its pitiful.
I want to say that I by no means think I am different or better than the next person. I know I am not unique at all. If anything I am the one who is inferior to others. Only because I am not trying or gettin it when I know what I need to do. BUt sitting here like this and rambling ccomplihes nothign.
I need to stop talkin and start walking.
I have to. I just got to get past that dam ego. Itskilling me , literally. Pride has gotten me almost killed a few times. Like I always have to prove somehting. I dont know what that is or to who I feel I need to prove anything to.
Monday I am taking the entire day to call every place I can think of and see what I can do. Its time. Its now or never. I am gettin too old for this ****. And my luck will def run out eventually. I odnt want to see what that is like. I know it will be the ultinate end to end all when that finally happens. I know I can do it if I just go ahead and do it. I am not a bad person. And I like to think thats what has kept me alive so far. But even good people have bad things happen to them. I dont want to have to get to the point where a serious wake up is what finally snaps em out of this. Because it will be something really bad and I may not have the chance to wake up. It is critical I let go of this delusion of mine.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Nice to meet you, Aysha...I can see from the posts above that you have all known each other for quite some time. Clearly, they care for you.
That being said, I was also glad to see that you don't like bullsh*t talk. You seem to be on the fence about getting clean. I'm going to make some assumptions based on what I'm reading on this thread, and I may be totally off, but I call them like I see them.
It seems to me that you know just enough about the recovery process to keep yourself sick. For instance:
I haven't suffered enough to reach my bottom, there were never consequences for me....BS - you don't have to harden a liver or burst your lungs or get stabbed in the streets, or even hit a bottom, to get well. All that is required is a desire to stop using.
My EGO doesn't allow me to go past a month without figuring I can do it on my own.....BS...people who have never tried the recovery scene don't reference their EGO when it comes to getting well.
My addict mind tells me to keep going because I have an underlying death wish....BS
I have no insurance and besides, I blew it last time and they won't let me in.....BS
I've always had enablers in my life....BS...you allow it.
The nearest city is 30 minutes away by car and there are no drugs here....BS...there is no geographic cure for addiction; where there is a will, there is a way.
I am too hard-headed to do this....BS...
I know these excuses to be untrue because I WAS JUST LIKE YOU.
I think you get my meaning. They are all excuses; and I bring them to you because others who know you have said the same thing.
I am in NY and my reach is long. I know in-patient and out-patient resources for those who want to get clean; and am good at digging them up when I don't know an area. There are meetings all over the place; and usually finding a way to them TODAY is not any more difficult than locating your drug of choice in any location - and that includes the "tundra" of upstate NY, or Long Island.
When and if you decide to give up the ghost, PM me. I can find those recovery resources, but it is up to you to call them. Give me some time to respond because I work odd hours.
I truly hope you do find the help available to you, because life on this side of the path is well worth living.
That being said, I was also glad to see that you don't like bullsh*t talk. You seem to be on the fence about getting clean. I'm going to make some assumptions based on what I'm reading on this thread, and I may be totally off, but I call them like I see them.
It seems to me that you know just enough about the recovery process to keep yourself sick. For instance:
I haven't suffered enough to reach my bottom, there were never consequences for me....BS - you don't have to harden a liver or burst your lungs or get stabbed in the streets, or even hit a bottom, to get well. All that is required is a desire to stop using.
My EGO doesn't allow me to go past a month without figuring I can do it on my own.....BS...people who have never tried the recovery scene don't reference their EGO when it comes to getting well.
My addict mind tells me to keep going because I have an underlying death wish....BS
I have no insurance and besides, I blew it last time and they won't let me in.....BS
I've always had enablers in my life....BS...you allow it.
The nearest city is 30 minutes away by car and there are no drugs here....BS...there is no geographic cure for addiction; where there is a will, there is a way.
I am too hard-headed to do this....BS...
I know these excuses to be untrue because I WAS JUST LIKE YOU.
I think you get my meaning. They are all excuses; and I bring them to you because others who know you have said the same thing.
I am in NY and my reach is long. I know in-patient and out-patient resources for those who want to get clean; and am good at digging them up when I don't know an area. There are meetings all over the place; and usually finding a way to them TODAY is not any more difficult than locating your drug of choice in any location - and that includes the "tundra" of upstate NY, or Long Island.
When and if you decide to give up the ghost, PM me. I can find those recovery resources, but it is up to you to call them. Give me some time to respond because I work odd hours.
I truly hope you do find the help available to you, because life on this side of the path is well worth living.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Ego cannot smash ego. Self cannot overcome self. And a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. Your mind is killing you. You are trying to drive a solution through willpower and there is no amount of willpower that will overcome alcoholism and addiction.
Willpower is the problem, not the solution. If willpower could solve alcoholism and addiction, the recovery rate would be 100%. Do you understand that you have a problem that you can't solve? Not through willpower and not through self-knowledge.
It sounds as if you are at the place of "wanting to want to". I would suggest that you pray. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in a Higher Power or prayer. Pray anyway. Ask for God's help, ask for the gift of willingness, ask for the gift of desperation.
Susan
Willpower is the problem, not the solution. If willpower could solve alcoholism and addiction, the recovery rate would be 100%. Do you understand that you have a problem that you can't solve? Not through willpower and not through self-knowledge.
It sounds as if you are at the place of "wanting to want to". I would suggest that you pray. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in a Higher Power or prayer. Pray anyway. Ask for God's help, ask for the gift of willingness, ask for the gift of desperation.
Susan
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Yes it's true, one of the first things I remember on this site was your experience being turned away from some help, I've been following this since and based on that would probably say, life clean/sober is always a work in progress. There are always hitches, it's never perfect, if I ever expected all things to fall into place... well it doesn't feel that way yet. But I'm okay with it. Life clean and sober has given me many things that drugs and alcohol never could. No firework moments, probably what many others would consider quite humdrum actually, but to me is very precious. I hope that you can find that for yourself.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Do you really have to ask? Not a dang thing.
I am back on that how am I goin to get a job thing again. I have no car and no way to look for a job or get to one if I did. Addiction and recovery are the furthest thing from my mnd again.
I am just goin to stop posting until I have something worth posting.
I am back on that how am I goin to get a job thing again. I have no car and no way to look for a job or get to one if I did. Addiction and recovery are the furthest thing from my mnd again.
I am just goin to stop posting until I have something worth posting.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Triiiiiiish.....
Don't you give up, girl. I don't have a car, and have a lot of walking to do today to get our needs met. No, I don't like it, but it is what it is..for now. I'm just grateful to be alive and have needs, and legs to walk with. Still with ya...
Don't you give up, girl. I don't have a car, and have a lot of walking to do today to get our needs met. No, I don't like it, but it is what it is..for now. I'm just grateful to be alive and have needs, and legs to walk with. Still with ya...
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I'm not giving up. I just am not going to any length right now.
I dont have cravings. Actually I havent even thought about getting high. My mind has been so occupied with so many other things. But that doesnt mean I wont later.
Right now I am just glad to be home. Away from Florida and that mess I made for myself. I been staying busy taking care of some things as far as settling back in. These kids are def keeping me busy. My mnd isnt on addict mode 24/7. It was in Florida. Or started to be.
Actually, I odnt think about it as much as I use to. I thinking about trying to work on my inner self as far this anger and impatience I have alot.
Trying to stay in the moment and not react before thinking. Which is alot of why I end up using to begin with. I think if I work on the core issues, It may very well help with my addiction. I dont know.
I dont have cravings. Actually I havent even thought about getting high. My mind has been so occupied with so many other things. But that doesnt mean I wont later.
Right now I am just glad to be home. Away from Florida and that mess I made for myself. I been staying busy taking care of some things as far as settling back in. These kids are def keeping me busy. My mnd isnt on addict mode 24/7. It was in Florida. Or started to be.
Actually, I odnt think about it as much as I use to. I thinking about trying to work on my inner self as far this anger and impatience I have alot.
Trying to stay in the moment and not react before thinking. Which is alot of why I end up using to begin with. I think if I work on the core issues, It may very well help with my addiction. I dont know.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish))) - I can't count the number of jobs you've had, the ones you earned the trust and respect of your employers, got promoted, then went back out.
I can't count the times you've admitted that grams enables you, how you have to get away from her (that didn't work, did it?) I bet you don't mind her enabling when you're sucking on that crack pipe in her house.
No insurance? Welcome to my world. I just had to have my teeth pulled, get dentures and a partial with NO insurance, well over $2000 and if it weren't for family and friends who believe in me, trust in me, helping me out, I can assure it wouldn't have happened, even with the 2 jobs I work, as much as possible in between studying.
Okay, so you don't have cravings now...you've been there a zillion times, getting caught up with the cousins and rest of the family. Now you're focusing on getting a job. It's the exact same thing you've been doing since I've known you. It amazes and, TBH, frustrates the hell out of me that I have so much trouble finding another job, 4+ years into recovery with a perfect work record for 6 years, yet you can get a job with no problem. Then you go and blow it.
A dear friend of mine posted a phrase from Yoda that I really like, and have been using quite a bit since then, but I just thought of it, again, while reading through here. It goes something like "there is no try. Do or do not".
Stop trying to do it your way. Go back and read your old posts...see how the same thing happens over and over and over.
I'm not saying "stop posting", I am saying stop "trying", stop talking about options and DO something different. Step out of that damned comfort zone and give yourself a chance.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I can't count the times you've admitted that grams enables you, how you have to get away from her (that didn't work, did it?) I bet you don't mind her enabling when you're sucking on that crack pipe in her house.
No insurance? Welcome to my world. I just had to have my teeth pulled, get dentures and a partial with NO insurance, well over $2000 and if it weren't for family and friends who believe in me, trust in me, helping me out, I can assure it wouldn't have happened, even with the 2 jobs I work, as much as possible in between studying.
Okay, so you don't have cravings now...you've been there a zillion times, getting caught up with the cousins and rest of the family. Now you're focusing on getting a job. It's the exact same thing you've been doing since I've known you. It amazes and, TBH, frustrates the hell out of me that I have so much trouble finding another job, 4+ years into recovery with a perfect work record for 6 years, yet you can get a job with no problem. Then you go and blow it.
A dear friend of mine posted a phrase from Yoda that I really like, and have been using quite a bit since then, but I just thought of it, again, while reading through here. It goes something like "there is no try. Do or do not".
Stop trying to do it your way. Go back and read your old posts...see how the same thing happens over and over and over.
I'm not saying "stop posting", I am saying stop "trying", stop talking about options and DO something different. Step out of that damned comfort zone and give yourself a chance.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 107
Wow. Just....wow. Not willing to go to any lengths? I don't know what to say. I bit my tongue when you got out of jail after serving time for a violent crime. I bit my tongue when you claimed that moving to Florida and being away from your enablers would solve your problem. I bit my tongue when you said that moving BACK would solve your problem. I can't bite my tongue at this point when you say that "addiction and recovery are the last things from my mind" and that your priority is to find a job. You are ONE lucky girl to have a family that continues to give you shelter despite everything. You are a lucky girl to have a huge number of people here at SR that support you and care about you despite you putting the crack way over their desire to see you get well. There was even a poster, the name escapes me, in your area who WAS willing to go to any lengths necessary to find you resources in your area. There are MANY who have the exact same issues you do with NA yet put their heart and soul into the program for a better life. Don't like the hugs? Tell people you're not comfortable with hugging. People aren't calling you back? Find other friends in the fellowship. I am not attacking you, but since I'm not close to you, I have no problem with making you angry. I'm just calling it like I see it. You say you don't think you're better than any one else- so why don't you just do what every one else who genuinely wants to get clean does?
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Yall cant make me mad. Why would you? I would be a true idiot if what you all were saying to me did. I'm just not ready I gues..
When I said I should stop posting, it wasnt becasue any of you think I should. I just have nothig to offer and obviously my efforts are zero right now. So sound like a vroken record? I appreciate every single one of you. And I am tired of myself nd so I know you all are too. I am spinning my wheels and I dont want to frustrate any of you. Because all you guys have been is kind and patient with me.
I dont want to push you guys away like I have alot of people.
Amy, I consider one of ym friends. Your one of the oones here I relate to the most and admire and look up to. I think we got pretty close over the past few years. I repect you and how far you ahve come.
I mean how amny times can I come here with the saem old **** and on top of it still dont want to do what I have been told? Its my own fault.
I dont want to just beating that dead horse. So I think it better to just chill on postign and just sit back and lurk for awhile.
Hopefully I snap out of it and do let go of this stupid addict mentality of mine. I do soak in everything you all say to me. I would never get mad. I repsect your honesty.
I need to hear it like it is. Even tho II never follow the advice. It still does sink in. When I am ready to make that effort, I will retur to psting again. I am sorry for wastin yalls time. But I know you all dont mind if I were to do what I need to.
I love you guys and respect every one of you. But I have to be honest and say I am not ready to go to any length. What else can I say?
Thx again
When I said I should stop posting, it wasnt becasue any of you think I should. I just have nothig to offer and obviously my efforts are zero right now. So sound like a vroken record? I appreciate every single one of you. And I am tired of myself nd so I know you all are too. I am spinning my wheels and I dont want to frustrate any of you. Because all you guys have been is kind and patient with me.
I dont want to push you guys away like I have alot of people.
Amy, I consider one of ym friends. Your one of the oones here I relate to the most and admire and look up to. I think we got pretty close over the past few years. I repect you and how far you ahve come.
I mean how amny times can I come here with the saem old **** and on top of it still dont want to do what I have been told? Its my own fault.
I dont want to just beating that dead horse. So I think it better to just chill on postign and just sit back and lurk for awhile.
Hopefully I snap out of it and do let go of this stupid addict mentality of mine. I do soak in everything you all say to me. I would never get mad. I repsect your honesty.
I need to hear it like it is. Even tho II never follow the advice. It still does sink in. When I am ready to make that effort, I will retur to psting again. I am sorry for wastin yalls time. But I know you all dont mind if I were to do what I need to.
I love you guys and respect every one of you. But I have to be honest and say I am not ready to go to any length. What else can I say?
Thx again
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Trish - there will ALWAYS be a place here for you.
You were here when I arrived and you helped me a lot as a green newbie - and I'm not the only one
There's a lot of people here who love you and who know the real you.
That's why we want you to fight so hard against these damn lies.
I know it's scary to think about changing your life - but your life has *already* changed over the past year Trish - and not for the better.
I know you're thinking whats the point - but that's the disease too.
The point is you're an amazing person and a very very good friend to many of us here - you deserve better than what you're giving yourself right now. Way better.
I want my old friend back Trish
D
You were here when I arrived and you helped me a lot as a green newbie - and I'm not the only one
There's a lot of people here who love you and who know the real you.
That's why we want you to fight so hard against these damn lies.
I know it's scary to think about changing your life - but your life has *already* changed over the past year Trish - and not for the better.
I know you're thinking whats the point - but that's the disease too.
The point is you're an amazing person and a very very good friend to many of us here - you deserve better than what you're giving yourself right now. Way better.
I want my old friend back Trish
D
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
You've lost the job and the car so many times because of your habit. So it really is setting up a self defeating cycle. Once again, the baffling logic of the addict. Repeating the same patterns. Nothing is going to change unless there is some action, and you can continue it to the end. Or else you really are going to continue falling through each 'bottom' or crisis until the worst happens, too late by then. Recovery had to be my first priority in order to get well... then you can reclaim your life back, and it will be on solid footing.
Anyhow, been there myself... nobody could tell me anything. I look back now and wonder why I messed around so much. I do hope however you can avoid the same tragedy I've seen happen to others. Each time we don't hear from you for a time... people are inevitably concerned.
Anyhow, been there myself... nobody could tell me anything. I look back now and wonder why I messed around so much. I do hope however you can avoid the same tragedy I've seen happen to others. Each time we don't hear from you for a time... people are inevitably concerned.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
There was even a poster, the name escapes me, in your area who WAS willing to go to any lengths necessary to find you resources in your area.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
aunt dee you opened up my heart on that one!
trish, i said just the same thing to my trish (sr's miracle)
she said to me, "pattee, i want me back too"
those words broke my heart...
a month later, she OD'd
trish, i remember her saying also,
"pattee, i just cant get the thoughts of crack out of my head"
and that was because she continued to try to do recovery her way.
28 years in and out,
30 rehabs on the dot!
trish, i hope our and my miracle can pass on a message from the heavens to you,
so her death, and many others are not in vain...
I want my old friend back Trish
trish, i said just the same thing to my trish (sr's miracle)
she said to me, "pattee, i want me back too"
those words broke my heart...
a month later, she OD'd
trish, i remember her saying also,
"pattee, i just cant get the thoughts of crack out of my head"
and that was because she continued to try to do recovery her way.
28 years in and out,
30 rehabs on the dot!
trish, i hope our and my miracle can pass on a message from the heavens to you,
so her death, and many others are not in vain...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 107
I apologize for the presumption. I just thought you had said that you would check into treatment options on Monday and update on the boards, and so when you didn't, I figured that you hadn't found out anything to update about. If you don't want to be clean, I actually do understand, I've been there. If I sounded harsh, I guess I was just a little wary since although I don't post that much, I've been on SR since 2007 and I've seen you come on these boards often and say that you absolutely have to stop, that the crack is driving you to a lifestyle you don't want to live. I got the impression that you DID want to stop. I wish you luck, I really do. You will need it out there! Keep in mind that no matter how blissful the high is, you will have to give up EVERYTHING for it.
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