Day 5 - absolute craziness
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Originally Posted by citylights 
Hi Pigtails: I so relate to what you are saying. I am on day eight today, and at day five, I went into a meeting that was a round robin (with about 80 people there who all sounded great to me 
and when it got to me, I started crying and said sorry, it's really hard for me to express these feelings, and everyone said, you're fine, don't worry about it.
I got sober for nine years and then relapsed, and I was in an outpatient program back then, and every single day of that program, I would start crying. Everyone else was talking about how great they felt, ooh, I am a week sober and I feel fabulous! Never felt better! Haven't had a drink, how wonderful! And as they were all saying this stuff, I was bawling and saying I have never felt worse in my lifel
And I asked my then sponsor about it, and said, why I am the only one in the entire group who is crying so much, who is so emotionally up and down all the time.
And you know what she said? She said it is because you are really doing this, and they are not. And you know what? Not one single person in the entire group made it through the program sober besides me. I am not congratulating myself (because look at me now--I relapsed and am still a crying mess But she was right--I was starting to feel things for the first time in a long time, and there is no way if you're dong that to put on the happy face and say, I feel great!! Yes, you can see, for the first time in a long time, the beauty in things. You can appreciate that you are alive. You can have huge amounts of gratitude. But you still are feeling things that you have tamped down for the longest time, and those feelings can't help but come out, even in the strangest of times, and that in itself is a great thing.
So I say feel free to cry or do whatever you have to do at any meeting you go to. There is nothing that you can do that is not OK. It's all good, except for drinking.
So it sounds to me like you are doing absolutely great, and I am so glad you wrote about it so that I don't sound or feel like a freak either
and when it got to me, I started crying and said sorry, it's really hard for me to express these feelings, and everyone said, you're fine, don't worry about it.I got sober for nine years and then relapsed, and I was in an outpatient program back then, and every single day of that program, I would start crying. Everyone else was talking about how great they felt, ooh, I am a week sober and I feel fabulous! Never felt better! Haven't had a drink, how wonderful! And as they were all saying this stuff, I was bawling and saying I have never felt worse in my lifel
And I asked my then sponsor about it, and said, why I am the only one in the entire group who is crying so much, who is so emotionally up and down all the time.
And you know what she said? She said it is because you are really doing this, and they are not. And you know what? Not one single person in the entire group made it through the program sober besides me. I am not congratulating myself (because look at me now--I relapsed and am still a crying mess
But she was right--I was starting to feel things for the first time in a long time, and there is no way if you're dong that to put on the happy face and say, I feel great!! Yes, you can see, for the first time in a long time, the beauty in things. You can appreciate that you are alive. You can have huge amounts of gratitude. But you still are feeling things that you have tamped down for the longest time, and those feelings can't help but come out, even in the strangest of times, and that in itself is a great thing. So I say feel free to cry or do whatever you have to do at any meeting you go to. There is nothing that you can do that is not OK. It's all good, except for drinking.
So it sounds to me like you are doing absolutely great, and I am so glad you wrote about it so that I don't sound or feel like a freak either
Those thoughts are scary but I try to just accept them as they come and keep not drinking because I remember all the stupid things I did when drunk. I struggle a lot with whether I can actually control this and eventually drink moderately or not... but I'm sure every alcoholic does/has so I am no different. I tell myself that if I didn't have a problem I wouldn't be so focused on it, and it wouldn't be that hard to not drink for 6 days. I mean really, what is so bad about not drinking?! If that thought feels so uncontrollable to me then I probably do have a big enough issue with alcohol that I need to stay away from it. I do want to fashion a life for myself that doesn't revolve around alcohol and I want to get to a place where I don't even think about needing it to have fun. I already know I don't need it-- just in the past week without alcohol I find myself saying, "Wow, this is truly fun! I am actually having a good time!" and that surprises me. I do truly want this for myself so I just remind myself of that when the evil voices come!
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Originally Posted by mama36
Hi PT - day five for me too...after a slip after almost nine months. I hear everything that you are saying. I felt depressed when I was drinking and then when I stopped I felt uncontrollable anxiety and tears and anger and confusion about what I was actually feeling at any given time. I promise you, if you can just stick and stay for a few weeks you will see a huge difference even then and so on from there. Life sober does get better, I have been there a couple of times long term and it is so much nicer. That Stinkin' Thinkin' is just your mind telling you that you can drink like a normal person. You have to listen to your heart and your gut on this one because your mind is going to be all over the place. You know in your gut what you really want and you have to push those thoughts aside by doing something you like or even just having a nap...a nap for me clears my head and makes me feel safe.
I have the blackouts and the regrets for acting awful, I have the anger and the rollercoaster of emotions too but more so when I am drinking or shortly after. I was nearly at 9 months and I was happier in my life than I have been in many years...I'm on day 5 back to that because now I really know what I lost in slipping...now back to crying and feeling anxious and taking ativan and feeling ashamed. It's a cycle that only you or I or the other drinkers can change, you have to stop the wheels turning and I am right here with you doing the same.
D.
I have the blackouts and the regrets for acting awful, I have the anger and the rollercoaster of emotions too but more so when I am drinking or shortly after. I was nearly at 9 months and I was happier in my life than I have been in many years...I'm on day 5 back to that because now I really know what I lost in slipping...now back to crying and feeling anxious and taking ativan and feeling ashamed. It's a cycle that only you or I or the other drinkers can change, you have to stop the wheels turning and I am right here with you doing the same.
D.
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Pigtails - I had this, too in the early days. My emotions were all over the place! Now, at day 52, life is nice and stable. I feel nice and stable.
As for tears, well, I can only explain that when I was drinking, whilst the tears I cried I thought were genuine and healing, they weren't genuine OR healing (and mostly from self pity). They were the emotional equivalent of the tears you cry when cutting an onion. They are there, they look like tears, they feel like tears, but there's nothing behind them - just a physical reaction. Once you stop drinking, they ARE REAL, and the emotions behind them are real. It's very new to we drinkers to experience real feelings, and it's tough. But trust me, these new tears and emotions are healing. You are going through a roller coaster with your mind, body and spirit right now and it's all part of the healing process. Well done on 5 days - I remember those early days well. Keep going..there's a beautiful place further down the road.
As for tears, well, I can only explain that when I was drinking, whilst the tears I cried I thought were genuine and healing, they weren't genuine OR healing (and mostly from self pity). They were the emotional equivalent of the tears you cry when cutting an onion. They are there, they look like tears, they feel like tears, but there's nothing behind them - just a physical reaction. Once you stop drinking, they ARE REAL, and the emotions behind them are real. It's very new to we drinkers to experience real feelings, and it's tough. But trust me, these new tears and emotions are healing. You are going through a roller coaster with your mind, body and spirit right now and it's all part of the healing process. Well done on 5 days - I remember those early days well. Keep going..there's a beautiful place further down the road.
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Well now it's Day 6 and Day 5 passed without too many more break-downs. I actually had an "interesting" evening. My ex fiance was giving me a treadmill I had left at his (our old) house when I originally moved out almost a year ago, because the vet said I should have my dog (who is recovering from surgery) start walking on it. We recently got back into touch about the dog, about a couple months ago when she had her surgery.
I had to go to his house so we could load the treadmill in the truck... that was an emotional experience because we had bought it together and he had made all these upgrades so he took me around and showed them to me... it was weird, at one point I started tearing up because of all the dreams and goals we had had and because I used to live there in this nice big house but now I live in a small apartment I lovingly refer to as the GhettoPad
... but then I had to remind myself that it had been my decision not to marry him and I had my reasons... but then I kept wondering if Sober Pigtails would have made those same decisions and had those same reasons... but then I thought about how maybe Sober/Healthy Pigtails never would have gotten engaged to him in the first place... I think I did so out of loneliness and wanting to do what everyone else does (settle down and get married) but I didn't know myself enough to know who was right for me etc... so anyway I had a lot of thoughts swirling in my head.
THen we went to my place to drop off the treadmill and he also set up my TV for me and we got to talking and catching up. He asked me if I'd been working out and said it looks like I've lost weight. I said yes 7 pounds and I still have 20 to go ha ha. He asked how I've done it and I said running and eating well and recently I stopped drinking... he was all interested in that and asked me a lot of questions. He said that while we were together he tried to hint that I should cut back but he's no one to judge and he had his own drinking issues (my drinking issues got way way worse after we broke up, so, he doesn't know the half of it, but talking to him helped me realize that the problem has been there for quite a while). I told him I know that I turned to alcohol instead of dealing with our problems and I know there were many times I treated him badly because of my alcohol problem and that I'm sorry. He seemed really touched by this and he said well we both made our share of mistakes and even though we're not right in a relationship I think you're a good person and I'm glad you're making these positive changes for yourself. I feel the exact same way about him and I told him it's nice that we can be "friends" in some capacity (it always revolves around the dog and this is the first time we really talked).
At one point I asked him if he thought I was an alcoholic and he said he really doesn't know. He said it's hard to say, that yes I've had issues with drinking but so has he, and if I'm an alcoholic than maybe he's an alcoholic. We talked a little about times that alcohol had influenced both of us for the worse... one time we got in a huge fight in his car while I was driving after a poker game because he was very drunk on whiskey (which made him mean and so he cut that out somewhere during our relationship... he is usually fine with other drinks); I was tipsy but not drunk, and he got so mad at me that he pulled the emergency brake up on the car and made it stop and we were sticking out on the side of the road... for some reason we started walking, I think because we were afraid of a cop coming up and getting DUIs, well a cop did come up and he went back to the car and was sittting on the curb and I thought he was getting arrested so I went back to the car too and we both told the cops we had each been driving... it was crazy and the cops thought it was a domestic violence issue and I think they would have arrested us for DUI but they couldn't prove who was driving so luckily we didn't get arrested, we just had to have our friends from the poker game come pick us and the car up, which was embarrassing.... anyway. There are a couple times like that that obviously stick out, plus he's gotten a DUI before (a long time ago but he still sometimes drove drunk).
So anyway he was saying maybe he is an alcoholic too and that it runs in his family. The reason I even knew about AA was that his parents are AA leaders with 20 or more years sobriety... when my ex fiance was growing up his parents were alcoholics and drug addicts and there was a lot of drama but then when he was a teenager they got sober and he said in some ways that was harder than having them be drunk. Anyway he has a lot of issues from his childhood that I think influence him now and influenced our relationship (as do I) and I also have alcoholics in my family, so it was nice to talk about the issue with someone who knows me very well. By the end of the conversation I had ended up where I always do... that I'm not sure I am an alcoholic but I don't want to take that chance. I would rather be safe than sorry.
While he set up my TV and stuff he had the two Bud Lights that have been in my fridge since I decided to stop drinking (For some reason I haven't really had any cravings to drink them... I'm not a big beer person and especially not Bud Light... but I wanted to get them out of there just in case) and I had water. At one point he handed me scissors and I thought he was handing me a beer, ha ha, and luckily my automatic reaction was like, NO!!!!, but then I thought it was funny that I even thought he was handing me a beer... it's clearly where part of my mind was ha ha.
So anyway it was a good although strange evening and after he left I did my dog's physical therapy while I watched Law & Order since he had set up my TV. Today I feel... a lot more normal. Not way up and not way down, but happy to be making these changes.
I had to go to his house so we could load the treadmill in the truck... that was an emotional experience because we had bought it together and he had made all these upgrades so he took me around and showed them to me... it was weird, at one point I started tearing up because of all the dreams and goals we had had and because I used to live there in this nice big house but now I live in a small apartment I lovingly refer to as the GhettoPad
... but then I had to remind myself that it had been my decision not to marry him and I had my reasons... but then I kept wondering if Sober Pigtails would have made those same decisions and had those same reasons... but then I thought about how maybe Sober/Healthy Pigtails never would have gotten engaged to him in the first place... I think I did so out of loneliness and wanting to do what everyone else does (settle down and get married) but I didn't know myself enough to know who was right for me etc... so anyway I had a lot of thoughts swirling in my head.THen we went to my place to drop off the treadmill and he also set up my TV for me and we got to talking and catching up. He asked me if I'd been working out and said it looks like I've lost weight. I said yes 7 pounds and I still have 20 to go ha ha. He asked how I've done it and I said running and eating well and recently I stopped drinking... he was all interested in that and asked me a lot of questions. He said that while we were together he tried to hint that I should cut back but he's no one to judge and he had his own drinking issues (my drinking issues got way way worse after we broke up, so, he doesn't know the half of it, but talking to him helped me realize that the problem has been there for quite a while). I told him I know that I turned to alcohol instead of dealing with our problems and I know there were many times I treated him badly because of my alcohol problem and that I'm sorry. He seemed really touched by this and he said well we both made our share of mistakes and even though we're not right in a relationship I think you're a good person and I'm glad you're making these positive changes for yourself. I feel the exact same way about him and I told him it's nice that we can be "friends" in some capacity (it always revolves around the dog and this is the first time we really talked).
At one point I asked him if he thought I was an alcoholic and he said he really doesn't know. He said it's hard to say, that yes I've had issues with drinking but so has he, and if I'm an alcoholic than maybe he's an alcoholic. We talked a little about times that alcohol had influenced both of us for the worse... one time we got in a huge fight in his car while I was driving after a poker game because he was very drunk on whiskey (which made him mean and so he cut that out somewhere during our relationship... he is usually fine with other drinks); I was tipsy but not drunk, and he got so mad at me that he pulled the emergency brake up on the car and made it stop and we were sticking out on the side of the road... for some reason we started walking, I think because we were afraid of a cop coming up and getting DUIs, well a cop did come up and he went back to the car and was sittting on the curb and I thought he was getting arrested so I went back to the car too and we both told the cops we had each been driving... it was crazy and the cops thought it was a domestic violence issue and I think they would have arrested us for DUI but they couldn't prove who was driving so luckily we didn't get arrested, we just had to have our friends from the poker game come pick us and the car up, which was embarrassing.... anyway. There are a couple times like that that obviously stick out, plus he's gotten a DUI before (a long time ago but he still sometimes drove drunk).
So anyway he was saying maybe he is an alcoholic too and that it runs in his family. The reason I even knew about AA was that his parents are AA leaders with 20 or more years sobriety... when my ex fiance was growing up his parents were alcoholics and drug addicts and there was a lot of drama but then when he was a teenager they got sober and he said in some ways that was harder than having them be drunk. Anyway he has a lot of issues from his childhood that I think influence him now and influenced our relationship (as do I) and I also have alcoholics in my family, so it was nice to talk about the issue with someone who knows me very well. By the end of the conversation I had ended up where I always do... that I'm not sure I am an alcoholic but I don't want to take that chance. I would rather be safe than sorry.
While he set up my TV and stuff he had the two Bud Lights that have been in my fridge since I decided to stop drinking (For some reason I haven't really had any cravings to drink them... I'm not a big beer person and especially not Bud Light... but I wanted to get them out of there just in case) and I had water. At one point he handed me scissors and I thought he was handing me a beer, ha ha, and luckily my automatic reaction was like, NO!!!!, but then I thought it was funny that I even thought he was handing me a beer... it's clearly where part of my mind was ha ha.
So anyway it was a good although strange evening and after he left I did my dog's physical therapy while I watched Law & Order since he had set up my TV. Today I feel... a lot more normal. Not way up and not way down, but happy to be making these changes.
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Oh, and I was nervous about how I was going to get around drinking this weekend (or weekends in general!) but the problem was solved when my good friend invited me to a town a couple hours away where she keeps her horse... it is really pretty and country-ish and peaceful, and I plan to just read, write, run with her and our dogs, and lay out and tan. She isn't a partier and she emailed me saying she doesn't have beer there so if I want I should pick up some wheat beer that she likes. I had to smile when I thought of how she automatically associates me being somewhere with wanting to drink alcohol there (which was formerly a true assumption!) I am not bringing beer. So no way to drink even if I wanted to ha ha.
My other friend wanted to go out this weekend, she said it had been awhile since we've really gone out (well, I'd been going out, but not with her because she was seeing a new guy). This gave me the perfect excuse, because she works Sundays, to say, I'm going with my other friend out of town tonight but will be back tomorrow night and I feel like doing something cihll like watching a movie. (That actually does sound perfect.) She said that sounds good to her. On Sunday I will set up my apartment more, and go to church and an AA meeting... so I have the whole weekend planned out and none of it revolves around drinking. I think that is the biggest issue I'm facing... making sure I set up alternative plans that don't involve alcohol. So far I'm proud of myself for being able to do it.
My other friend wanted to go out this weekend, she said it had been awhile since we've really gone out (well, I'd been going out, but not with her because she was seeing a new guy). This gave me the perfect excuse, because she works Sundays, to say, I'm going with my other friend out of town tonight but will be back tomorrow night and I feel like doing something cihll like watching a movie. (That actually does sound perfect.) She said that sounds good to her. On Sunday I will set up my apartment more, and go to church and an AA meeting... so I have the whole weekend planned out and none of it revolves around drinking. I think that is the biggest issue I'm facing... making sure I set up alternative plans that don't involve alcohol. So far I'm proud of myself for being able to do it.
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Hey Pigtails, thanks for response to my post. As I said, I was 9 years sober, and then I thought, hey, I am normal, I can have a glass of wine and control it, maybe that was a "phase" and now I am out of it, let's just have a few glasses of wine at dinner, again, like "normal" people do.
Well, "normal" turned into three years where it escalated to my drinking around the clock and in secret, feeling like crap most of the time, isolating and alienating my friends, I am sure not being as productive in my work life as I should be staying in a relationship that i know I would NEVER have stayed in sober (overused word, but MAJOR codependence).
So when you wiffle waffle about whether you are an alcoholic, the question seems very simple: is your life better when you don't drink? If the answer is yes, then you shouldn't drink, and I know that the answer is yes for me.
And thanks for your top two posts about your ex fiancee, and whether the sober you would have gotten engaged to him. I know how bittersweet this "reunion" must have been, and how you had dreams for the future.
But I know that our dreams for the future start today, and only when we are sober and take, as they say, the next right step, instead of jumping ahead.
I am so scared about being alone--I have never been alone my whole life (as in, without a partner) but I know I have to be. So many big emotions and fear and reprogramming my brain and self image.
I used to have to say to myself every day when I walked into a professional meeting when I was newly sober the first time around: "I am a sober, respectable woman." Meaning that anything that I had done before didn't matter--I was now sober and I could go anywhere and do anything with my head held high.
The other phrase I kept repeating was "you are not alone." And that is the one that is helping me the most now.
So thanks for making me feel that I am not alone, and I commend you on your weekend plans, your follow through, how you are changing your actions, and how you are facing each day with honestly and willingness. Rock on!
Well, "normal" turned into three years where it escalated to my drinking around the clock and in secret, feeling like crap most of the time, isolating and alienating my friends, I am sure not being as productive in my work life as I should be staying in a relationship that i know I would NEVER have stayed in sober (overused word, but MAJOR codependence).
So when you wiffle waffle about whether you are an alcoholic, the question seems very simple: is your life better when you don't drink? If the answer is yes, then you shouldn't drink, and I know that the answer is yes for me.
And thanks for your top two posts about your ex fiancee, and whether the sober you would have gotten engaged to him. I know how bittersweet this "reunion" must have been, and how you had dreams for the future.
But I know that our dreams for the future start today, and only when we are sober and take, as they say, the next right step, instead of jumping ahead.
I am so scared about being alone--I have never been alone my whole life (as in, without a partner) but I know I have to be. So many big emotions and fear and reprogramming my brain and self image.
I used to have to say to myself every day when I walked into a professional meeting when I was newly sober the first time around: "I am a sober, respectable woman." Meaning that anything that I had done before didn't matter--I was now sober and I could go anywhere and do anything with my head held high.
The other phrase I kept repeating was "you are not alone." And that is the one that is helping me the most now.
So thanks for making me feel that I am not alone, and I commend you on your weekend plans, your follow through, how you are changing your actions, and how you are facing each day with honestly and willingness. Rock on!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Thanks for your storied, citylights and pigtails. I hope your weekends are going strong. I haven't been around but wanted to check in. I had anxiety at the beginning of the weekend but it has turned out to be manageable. One week down Pigtails!
citylights - I am proud of you for boosting yourself up. That is hard to do considering we both were in a deep isolated hole for a very long time.
citylights - I am proud of you for boosting yourself up. That is hard to do considering we both were in a deep isolated hole for a very long time.
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