Getting scared. I need to talk.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Getting scared. I need to talk.
This is the fourth time I stared typing this sentence. I don't know where to start.
I'm 30. Last night I got in a huge fight with my fiancee. We only ever fight like that when I'm drinking. Really, ONLY when I'm drunk.
When I was 20 I was in the military. During that time I drank a lot (well, a lot of us did). I drank so much, though, that it became a problem. My commanding officer put me in a program where they made me take a pill that was supposed to make me deathly sick if I drank anything. I don't know if it was real, or a placebo, 'cause I never drank a drop while taking the pill.
Anyway, in the program they also gave me group therapy and quizzed me on my drinking habits. In the end, they would label you with one of three diagnoses:
1. Not a Problem.
2. Not an Alcoholic, but abuses alcohol.
3. Alcoholic.
I got labeled Number 2. I think I've used that as an excuse for ten years. Number 2 means that I get to drink because it's my CHOICE to drink way too much or to maintain moderation. Crap, I even feel that way now as I type this.
Anyway, over the years I've gotten wasted drunk many times. A lot of the time it's at a bar and I drive home. This would be cyclical: I'll go a month or two drinking maybe two or three beers here and there, and then one day I'll rip into some shots and/or LOTS of beer.
Four years ago I met my fiancee, and she's amazing. Her mom is an alcoholic. I got to see firsthand what a REAL drunk looks like and acts like. This lady was terrible. She made me feel like I was much better than that. My fiancee depended on me during that tough time. We had many scares with her, and one day she finally went to a clinic and sobered up. She's been sober for over a year now. I'm very proud of her.
Meanwhile, I've been getting worse. Her mom lives with us, so we don't keep alcohol in the house. For the past year, I've been drinking at bars and parties with my fiancee. She doesn't drink much, so she drives. She almost always drives.
This year I got a really sweet job. My salary was basically doubled, the company is fantastic. They have a very relaxed atmosphere. We have a beer fridge and a few community bottles of liquor in the office. Every other day we all have a few beers at work.
I've gotten tanked more times than usual lately (the past three or four months). I started buying cans of those fruity Hard Lemonade to drink while driving home (because once I get there, you know, there's no drinking allowed. Mom's an alcoholic.).
I've been so scared to talk to my fiancee because we JUST dealt with this with her Mom. I didn't know how she would take it. After last night's fight (one of many lately), I finally opened up and told her I might have a problem.
She doesn't think I am an alcoholic. She think's I'm Number 2.
I don't know what to do. I can't STAND the idea of AA, because I really believe that you can't hand your problems over to a higher power. That's ridiculous to me. (if anyone is using AA and it works, like my fiancee's mom, please know that I don't think you are ridiculous. It's just not for me.)
My fiancee and I talked. She decided that she'd help me through this, and thank goodness. I've never trusted anyone with this. I also think I need to talk to someone else about it. I want to talk to someone today. I just don't know who. That's when I found this forum.
If you read this far, thankyou. I could use a lot of advice.
I'm 30. Last night I got in a huge fight with my fiancee. We only ever fight like that when I'm drinking. Really, ONLY when I'm drunk.
When I was 20 I was in the military. During that time I drank a lot (well, a lot of us did). I drank so much, though, that it became a problem. My commanding officer put me in a program where they made me take a pill that was supposed to make me deathly sick if I drank anything. I don't know if it was real, or a placebo, 'cause I never drank a drop while taking the pill.
Anyway, in the program they also gave me group therapy and quizzed me on my drinking habits. In the end, they would label you with one of three diagnoses:
1. Not a Problem.
2. Not an Alcoholic, but abuses alcohol.
3. Alcoholic.
I got labeled Number 2. I think I've used that as an excuse for ten years. Number 2 means that I get to drink because it's my CHOICE to drink way too much or to maintain moderation. Crap, I even feel that way now as I type this.
Anyway, over the years I've gotten wasted drunk many times. A lot of the time it's at a bar and I drive home. This would be cyclical: I'll go a month or two drinking maybe two or three beers here and there, and then one day I'll rip into some shots and/or LOTS of beer.
Four years ago I met my fiancee, and she's amazing. Her mom is an alcoholic. I got to see firsthand what a REAL drunk looks like and acts like. This lady was terrible. She made me feel like I was much better than that. My fiancee depended on me during that tough time. We had many scares with her, and one day she finally went to a clinic and sobered up. She's been sober for over a year now. I'm very proud of her.
Meanwhile, I've been getting worse. Her mom lives with us, so we don't keep alcohol in the house. For the past year, I've been drinking at bars and parties with my fiancee. She doesn't drink much, so she drives. She almost always drives.
This year I got a really sweet job. My salary was basically doubled, the company is fantastic. They have a very relaxed atmosphere. We have a beer fridge and a few community bottles of liquor in the office. Every other day we all have a few beers at work.
I've gotten tanked more times than usual lately (the past three or four months). I started buying cans of those fruity Hard Lemonade to drink while driving home (because once I get there, you know, there's no drinking allowed. Mom's an alcoholic.).
I've been so scared to talk to my fiancee because we JUST dealt with this with her Mom. I didn't know how she would take it. After last night's fight (one of many lately), I finally opened up and told her I might have a problem.
She doesn't think I am an alcoholic. She think's I'm Number 2.
I don't know what to do. I can't STAND the idea of AA, because I really believe that you can't hand your problems over to a higher power. That's ridiculous to me. (if anyone is using AA and it works, like my fiancee's mom, please know that I don't think you are ridiculous. It's just not for me.)
My fiancee and I talked. She decided that she'd help me through this, and thank goodness. I've never trusted anyone with this. I also think I need to talk to someone else about it. I want to talk to someone today. I just don't know who. That's when I found this forum.
If you read this far, thankyou. I could use a lot of advice.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Hello and welcome!
So, you are ready to quit? How do you feel about never drinking again?
There are AA alternatives. It's not for me, either. I like rational recovery (you can google).
So, you are ready to quit? How do you feel about never drinking again?
There are AA alternatives. It's not for me, either. I like rational recovery (you can google).
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
hi. I don't use the chat here. I am only on day 25. As I understand it only you can decide if you have a problem and what the appropriate steps to take.
For me, after years I decided that alcohol was costing me a lot more than I got out of it. I could feel a crisis coming in the next few years. I have struggled over several bouts of trying to quit. I am grateful to be here, with this degree of sobriety under my belt.
The others might have more advice on how to address the family issues
For me, after years I decided that alcohol was costing me a lot more than I got out of it. I could feel a crisis coming in the next few years. I have struggled over several bouts of trying to quit. I am grateful to be here, with this degree of sobriety under my belt.
The others might have more advice on how to address the family issues
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by myRandomName 
Number 2 means that I get to drink because it's my CHOICE to drink way too much or to maintain moderation.
Try to base it on facts and results, not what you believe. If you can choose to not drink, or choose to moderate, then you shouldn't have a problem at this point. But, people that don't have drinking problems generally don't find themselves on this site.
Oh, and AA isn't for anybody at first. I don't know anyone that woke up one day and said, 'I think I'll become a recovered alcoholic in AA.' Most of us didn't see AA as a viable option until we were sufficiently beaten down with years of hopeless and uncontrollable drinking.
...is awesome!
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 107
I really liked your story, thanks for sharing. Im always amazing how much I can relate to most of you all! I too was told by a 'professional' that I wasn't an alcoholic but based this on the 'fact' of being too young to be one. I used that excuse for some time even though I knew she was very presumptuous and down right wrong to state that. I could of kissed her (not on the lips hahaha) for giving me that excuse, I felt it immediately as a free pass to keep being an alkie and getting away with it cos i had this stupid excuse. Anyway im rambling. Glad your here. By the way I don't actively do AA, I dont do the higher power bit either (im 8 months sober). Ive learnt over the many relapses that its 'what works for you, that works'. I do however go to AA for the open i.d meetings so I can hear stories and be around other alkies, I get alot out of that. They do say 'take what you want and leave the rest'. All the best :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
There are plenty of people here on SR that got sober without AA. I believe there actually many here who got sober using SR as their main recovery tool. You'll figure out what works best for you. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I'm glad to see you are reaching out for help. It doesn't matter what she thinks or they think -its what YOU think! It's never too late no matter what number you classify yourself as. I didn't have to put myself in a catagory. I knew after 30 years and many incidents and separation then losing my job that yeah, I might be an alcoholic.
I did 6 week outpatient rehab and am going to AA but if you have support in your home you may be able to at least quit. But you WILL need to deal with issues beyond just the drinking like why you drink, your triggers for drinking and thinking outside the box, changing habits so you don't feel the need to drink when you're bored. We get very comfortable in our recovery...especially when we are home with support because I think you aren't changing anything but just not drinking.
It might be in your best interest to make an appt with an addiction counselor. Because like I say, drinking is one thing, WHY you drink is another.
Wishing you peace and strength.
I did 6 week outpatient rehab and am going to AA but if you have support in your home you may be able to at least quit. But you WILL need to deal with issues beyond just the drinking like why you drink, your triggers for drinking and thinking outside the box, changing habits so you don't feel the need to drink when you're bored. We get very comfortable in our recovery...especially when we are home with support because I think you aren't changing anything but just not drinking.
It might be in your best interest to make an appt with an addiction counselor. Because like I say, drinking is one thing, WHY you drink is another.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Lots of people get tripped up on the higher power thing in AA. LOTS. It's really not that big of a deal. You can make anything you higher power. I know a guy who calls his shoes his higher power because they walk him throught the door to the AA meetings. Some people make AA itself their HP as they begin to see results. The point of the higher power is that we cannot do it alone. We've tried it before, and failed.
An AA'er once told me if you are having trouble with a particular step, your issue stems from the previous step. The Higher Power comes in to play in Step 2- "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Don't worry about this step just yet. Take a look at Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable".
My suggestion- try out AA for 90 days. Don't drink. At the end of those 90 days if you feel that you are not an alcoholic, take all that money that you saved from 90 days without drinking and throw yourself one hell of a party.
Good Luck and Best Wishes-
Zube
An AA'er once told me if you are having trouble with a particular step, your issue stems from the previous step. The Higher Power comes in to play in Step 2- "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Don't worry about this step just yet. Take a look at Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable".
My suggestion- try out AA for 90 days. Don't drink. At the end of those 90 days if you feel that you are not an alcoholic, take all that money that you saved from 90 days without drinking and throw yourself one hell of a party.
Good Luck and Best Wishes-
Zube
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
There are many roads to sobriety and you will find lots of different ideas here, so just take a look around.
I'm not sure that the diagnosis of #1, 2 or 3 can be quite as accurate as you are assuming. Believe me, none of us knew when we crossed the invisible line that is addiction. What we do know, is that you can't go back. Also, alcoholism is a progressive disease and if you were #2 many years ago, that could easily have changed.
I hope you find support here.
I'm not sure that the diagnosis of #1, 2 or 3 can be quite as accurate as you are assuming. Believe me, none of us knew when we crossed the invisible line that is addiction. What we do know, is that you can't go back. Also, alcoholism is a progressive disease and if you were #2 many years ago, that could easily have changed.
I hope you find support here.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
I wanted to be Number 2 for the longest time. I was willing to pursue the notion I could be number 2 - at all costs. My family, my life, etc..
Nope, number 3. "Turning over to a higher power" - Isn't shirking ones duties or a sign of weakness. From what I understand men in the military do it all the time. They turn their own selfish selves over and do what's necessary for their UNIT, their buddies next to them. I only know that from what they say, so they're either b.s. ing or not, I don't know. Just, don't get all freaked out over a word (God)) or a notion (turning it over) like I did - when you might not even know what it means (like I didn't know what it meant).
Looking back, I feel foolish.
Anyway, so much in your story, I identify with. Thank you for your service and I hope if you're number 2, you enjoy yourself and get ahold of things - actually moderate and conduct yourself like a man when drunk.
If you're number 3. You can recover and lead a life - one you might have never even thought of - that's been my experience and its been great.
Good luck
Nope, number 3. "Turning over to a higher power" - Isn't shirking ones duties or a sign of weakness. From what I understand men in the military do it all the time. They turn their own selfish selves over and do what's necessary for their UNIT, their buddies next to them. I only know that from what they say, so they're either b.s. ing or not, I don't know. Just, don't get all freaked out over a word (God)) or a notion (turning it over) like I did - when you might not even know what it means (like I didn't know what it meant).
Looking back, I feel foolish.
Anyway, so much in your story, I identify with. Thank you for your service and I hope if you're number 2, you enjoy yourself and get ahold of things - actually moderate and conduct yourself like a man when drunk.
If you're number 3. You can recover and lead a life - one you might have never even thought of - that's been my experience and its been great.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hi there! Welcome! Sounds like you are really worried. I caution you in terms of using your fiance as your support system or person to help you not use.
If you have insurance the first thing to do is call your doctor. They always know good counselors to refer people to. You may want to ask for a sober coach as well.
I do go to AA but it's more for the community and understanding. All AA groups differ. Some are really focused on the higher power and it almost feels like a bible revival! LOL I stear clear of those. I have a couple of great groups I go to that are more in line with my beliefs. So even in AA there are variances. It could be that the one your future MIL goes to is not for you. I had to go to 10 different meetings before deciding on which ones were for me.
I am also going to see what other programs are in my area next week when I have some time. I am new to recovery so I figure I can look at all options. I tried one on one and that wasn't for me. I need more of a culture of sober people to associate with so I choose groups. I've made a couple of great sober friends already too.
Bottom line is you are not alone and you have a lot of options to choose from. So keep your chin up and push forward. Don't drink today!
If you have insurance the first thing to do is call your doctor. They always know good counselors to refer people to. You may want to ask for a sober coach as well.
I do go to AA but it's more for the community and understanding. All AA groups differ. Some are really focused on the higher power and it almost feels like a bible revival! LOL I stear clear of those. I have a couple of great groups I go to that are more in line with my beliefs. So even in AA there are variances. It could be that the one your future MIL goes to is not for you. I had to go to 10 different meetings before deciding on which ones were for me.
I am also going to see what other programs are in my area next week when I have some time. I am new to recovery so I figure I can look at all options. I tried one on one and that wasn't for me. I need more of a culture of sober people to associate with so I choose groups. I've made a couple of great sober friends already too.
Bottom line is you are not alone and you have a lot of options to choose from. So keep your chin up and push forward. Don't drink today!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
I can't tell you how many times throughout the years I've described myself as #2. I absolutely was NOT an alcoholic-- I just "abused" it. After years of never being able to have just one or two drinks at a time, I finally realized that I am an alcoholic. Some people close to me still don't think I have a problem because I could function very well in my everyday life. It doesn't matter if they think I am or not. As I've said in different posts, if they could see my battle with alcohol inside my head, they would know for certain that I am an alcoholic.
I think it's amazing and brave that you've admitted to having a problem of some sort with alcohol. I know it takes a lot to admit that. As far as AA or something else... I don't go to AA. At least not yet. I have 10 sober days now and I'm looking at this as a journey of sorts. I will do whatever I have to do to not drink and I'll tweak things along the way to make sure it stays that way.
Whatever you decide to do, this website has been HUGE in helping me. I would encourage you at the very least to keep coming back here. You learn so much and people are incredibly supportive (as I'm sure you've already seen.)
One more thing-- a major motivator for me to quit drinking was how I treated my husband while I was drunk (I am 30 like you). We had horrible fights and it just wasn't worth it anymore. He and my son are more important than my need to have a drink.
Good luck to you!!
I think it's amazing and brave that you've admitted to having a problem of some sort with alcohol. I know it takes a lot to admit that. As far as AA or something else... I don't go to AA. At least not yet. I have 10 sober days now and I'm looking at this as a journey of sorts. I will do whatever I have to do to not drink and I'll tweak things along the way to make sure it stays that way.
Whatever you decide to do, this website has been HUGE in helping me. I would encourage you at the very least to keep coming back here. You learn so much and people are incredibly supportive (as I'm sure you've already seen.)
One more thing-- a major motivator for me to quit drinking was how I treated my husband while I was drunk (I am 30 like you). We had horrible fights and it just wasn't worth it anymore. He and my son are more important than my need to have a drink.
Good luck to you!!
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi MyRandomName,
It's okay to be scared. This is a big thing, and many of us felt the same way when we came here. I know I did.
You and I are the same age. I have been sober for over a year and this website has been my primary support system. That's the case for many people here. I recommend being open-minded about all the recovery tools available to you; for me, it has worked to take what helps and leave the rest.
Like others have said, perhaps it is wise right now not to worry too much about what label applies to you and concentrate instead on analyzing what alcohol is doing to your life. It is possible to see alcoholism as a spectrum, not a black or white issue. All I know is that I'm alcoholic enough that I must stay clear of it if I don't want it ruling my life. Deciding to quit was the best thing I ever did. Welcome!
It's okay to be scared. This is a big thing, and many of us felt the same way when we came here. I know I did.
You and I are the same age. I have been sober for over a year and this website has been my primary support system. That's the case for many people here. I recommend being open-minded about all the recovery tools available to you; for me, it has worked to take what helps and leave the rest.
Like others have said, perhaps it is wise right now not to worry too much about what label applies to you and concentrate instead on analyzing what alcohol is doing to your life. It is possible to see alcoholism as a spectrum, not a black or white issue. All I know is that I'm alcoholic enough that I must stay clear of it if I don't want it ruling my life. Deciding to quit was the best thing I ever did. Welcome!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome to the forum! So glad you're here! It's great that you're being honest with yourself and others - it's not easy to admit we might have a problem.
I wrestled with the term "alcoholic" for a long time. I didn't fit the classic image. But I knew I wasn't a social drinker who just naturally stops after a drink or two. Once I have a couple drinks, I just want more and more.
I only use the term "alcoholic" when I'm among other alcoholics. It took several weeks of not drinking to see things more clearly. Once I saw how little control I had once I picked up a drink, how obsessive I was, and how things had gotten worse over time, it was enough for me to know I really was addicted. I also saw that it was slowly getting worse. So for all practical purposes, I think I qualify as an alcoholic (probably in the middle stages).
When I first came here I wasn't really thinking about all that. I just knew I had to stop the vicious cycle I was in. I found out I wasn't alone and got lots of support - it made all the difference. I worked out the details as I went along and so will you.
You made a great first step today. Congratulations!
I wrestled with the term "alcoholic" for a long time. I didn't fit the classic image. But I knew I wasn't a social drinker who just naturally stops after a drink or two. Once I have a couple drinks, I just want more and more.
I only use the term "alcoholic" when I'm among other alcoholics. It took several weeks of not drinking to see things more clearly. Once I saw how little control I had once I picked up a drink, how obsessive I was, and how things had gotten worse over time, it was enough for me to know I really was addicted. I also saw that it was slowly getting worse. So for all practical purposes, I think I qualify as an alcoholic (probably in the middle stages).
When I first came here I wasn't really thinking about all that. I just knew I had to stop the vicious cycle I was in. I found out I wasn't alone and got lots of support - it made all the difference. I worked out the details as I went along and so will you.
You made a great first step today. Congratulations!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
Welcome to SR 'myRandomName'.Even if it is your choice to drink, the prolonged effects of alcohol abuse on the brain can severely hinder your ability to cut back or quit without help.
Here at SR is a excellent source for help. I'm glad you are looking for a solution to your problem.
I'm not an AA guy, but I have investigated AA and do attend open AA meetings. You could sit in on an open AA meeting where non-alcoholics are welcome. Just to check it out first hand and then after a few meeting see if its something you would like to look into further.
I am an alcoholic or in other words have been addicted to alcohol and drugs. My choice to quit on my own had been diminished to the point that I had to chose addiction treatment to stop. Just stopping my drinking by simple choice did not last long. I needed to learn and practice addiction treatment principles to recover from a life of rampant addiction/alcoholism.
Have a look at the SMART Recovery Toolbox. I have found them a great resource for treating alcohol abuse or dependance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you
You guys, this is exactly what I needed. I want to thank you for listening to me.
As I've gone through this day, hungover, and thinking about what I'm going to do, I've started to get anxiety over how closely connected my life is with alcohol.
I've already mentioned the new job. It's a "guy's guy" atmosphere, where people simply expect me to have a few beers with "the guys" every now and then. Not too worried about it, just listing it for the sake of association. They're good people, so they won't mind, but it will put me in a position where I'm "outside" the group.
Then there's my sister's husband. We rarely talk about much, but when we get together it's always craft beers and micro-brews. It's how we "connect."
I have a hot and cold relationship with my dad. In the past few years we've started really connecting more as a family. One of the things we've started doing is going to wine tastings together. We also share and talk a lot about craft beer.
So, by quitting that's all going to be gone. That's a frightening proposal. I'm not saying that these are reasons to keep doing this to myself. I'm just saying, it's going to be very hard figuring out how to fill these voids.
As I've gone through this day, hungover, and thinking about what I'm going to do, I've started to get anxiety over how closely connected my life is with alcohol.
I've already mentioned the new job. It's a "guy's guy" atmosphere, where people simply expect me to have a few beers with "the guys" every now and then. Not too worried about it, just listing it for the sake of association. They're good people, so they won't mind, but it will put me in a position where I'm "outside" the group.
Then there's my sister's husband. We rarely talk about much, but when we get together it's always craft beers and micro-brews. It's how we "connect."
I have a hot and cold relationship with my dad. In the past few years we've started really connecting more as a family. One of the things we've started doing is going to wine tastings together. We also share and talk a lot about craft beer.
So, by quitting that's all going to be gone. That's a frightening proposal. I'm not saying that these are reasons to keep doing this to myself. I'm just saying, it's going to be very hard figuring out how to fill these voids.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
I have a hot and cold relationship with my dad. In the past few years we've started really connecting more as a family. One of the things we've started doing is going to wine tastings together. We also share and talk a lot about craft beer.
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