Early sobriety
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Early sobriety
I'm having a really difficult time. I've found a million reasons to not call my sponsor or go to AA meetings. I'm absolutely miserable. I've been off of alcohol for almost 3 months and I was dumb and smoked pot but I haven't had any for one month.
We're going through step for and it's enlightening. But I feel so up and down. I drank a whole pot of coffee today. I think I should quit anything that messes with your brain.
All anyone can say is: hang in there. Can someone say something else?
We're going through step for and it's enlightening. But I feel so up and down. I drank a whole pot of coffee today. I think I should quit anything that messes with your brain.
All anyone can say is: hang in there. Can someone say something else?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by gnly 
I'm having a really difficult time. I've found a million reasons to not call my sponsor or go to AA meetings. I'm absolutely miserable. I've been off of alcohol for almost 3 months and I was dumb and smoked pot but I haven't had any for one month.
We're going through step for and it's enlightening. But I feel so up and down. I drank a whole pot of coffee today. I think I should quit anything that messes with your brain.
All anyone can say is: hang in there. Can someone say something else?
We're going through step for and it's enlightening. But I feel so up and down. I drank a whole pot of coffee today. I think I should quit anything that messes with your brain.
All anyone can say is: hang in there. Can someone say something else?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Originally Posted by gnly
I'm having a really difficult time. I've found a million reasons to not call my sponsor or go to AA meetings.
Welcome aboard.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi gnly
Welcome
I can certainly identify with knowing I should be dong something but not doing it - it's the mind games we play with ourselves - the reasons we come up with not to act - that can make us come undone.
Why not give yourself a kick start - call your sponsor, go to a meeting, be honest about the pot & how you're feeling...and start again?
D
Welcome
I can certainly identify with knowing I should be dong something but not doing it - it's the mind games we play with ourselves - the reasons we come up with not to act - that can make us come undone.
Why not give yourself a kick start - call your sponsor, go to a meeting, be honest about the pot & how you're feeling...and start again?
D
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
I get depressed at meetings. I try to go to meetings to be around people, but then they all start talking about their negative stuff which might send me into a tailspin about my problems. I avoid them now. I'm so lonely. I shared with my sponsor that the meetings drag me down, and remind me of the stuff that plagues me. She made a jerk comment about how "if you do the work." I AM doing the work. I write stuff in my journal, I'm on the 4th step, and I wrote down all my resentments, and I pray to God to take them away. I try to shake the resentments, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by them. I am always thinking about bettering my life and doing AA work. AA annoys me right now.
I don't know if I like my sponsor. She has a thing about codependancy and self-pity. I called her up crying about something because I didn't know what was going on with myself. I could tell she was annoyed, she just leapt to another conlusion. I figured out later that it was a self-confidence issue. She also tried to lecture me once about how I might feel going out with a group of women...um...I have been out with groups of women on a gazillion occasions???? I think there's a control freak thing going on. She makes assumptions all the time. I don't know if I want to be around her anymore. She can be really patronizing. When I say stuff she considers self-pity she makes these snippy comments, like it's her way of trying to communicate. She has a MA in psychology too. She can't communicate? It's like I'm not supposed to feel down, but she wants me to share with her? I don't get it. I'm afraid to share anything with anyone, and I can't afford a therapist. I'm afraid to reach out.
I mistook 12th step stuff as that AA people were actually interested in getting to know me. They just wanted to tally up their reach outs. I thought sobriety was going to bring me friends and happiness but I still feel suicidal sometimes...to respond to a poster...I quit because I started thinking about suicide more and more. Not only that, money, life, my life is definetely "unmanageable," I tried to "just have one" numerous times but it always turned into a lot more.
One thing sobriety has given me is a thinner body and no hang overs. But right now I feel like all I'm getting out of it is more depression.
I don't know if I like my sponsor. She has a thing about codependancy and self-pity. I called her up crying about something because I didn't know what was going on with myself. I could tell she was annoyed, she just leapt to another conlusion. I figured out later that it was a self-confidence issue. She also tried to lecture me once about how I might feel going out with a group of women...um...I have been out with groups of women on a gazillion occasions???? I think there's a control freak thing going on. She makes assumptions all the time. I don't know if I want to be around her anymore. She can be really patronizing. When I say stuff she considers self-pity she makes these snippy comments, like it's her way of trying to communicate. She has a MA in psychology too. She can't communicate? It's like I'm not supposed to feel down, but she wants me to share with her? I don't get it. I'm afraid to share anything with anyone, and I can't afford a therapist. I'm afraid to reach out.
I mistook 12th step stuff as that AA people were actually interested in getting to know me. They just wanted to tally up their reach outs. I thought sobriety was going to bring me friends and happiness but I still feel suicidal sometimes...to respond to a poster...I quit because I started thinking about suicide more and more. Not only that, money, life, my life is definetely "unmanageable," I tried to "just have one" numerous times but it always turned into a lot more.
One thing sobriety has given me is a thinner body and no hang overs. But right now I feel like all I'm getting out of it is more depression.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi gnly! Welcome to SR...I have found it a wonderful and inspiring place.
Have you considered an addiction therapist or a therapist to treat depression. Maybe you have underlying issues that can't by dealt with via 12 steps on their own.
Stick around here. We care
Have you considered an addiction therapist or a therapist to treat depression. Maybe you have underlying issues that can't by dealt with via 12 steps on their own.
Stick around here. We care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
You know what? Maybe I need another sponsor, maybe that will help. She likes to point things out that I wear in this noncomplimentary way...feels like I'm being picked on. She said that I should do the 5th step on the 4th of July because "I have a flair for the dramatic." That comment made me wonder what the F...she hasn't known me as drunk...where's the drama? The most drama in my life recently has been at my crazy job. I have attracted control freek types in my past. I think that I want someone else as a sponsor.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
I'm not in AA but the overwhelming majority of AA members I've met here and elsewhere really are interested in getting to know people and helping them out
I used to think sobriety would solve all my problems too - it actually made things worse for me for a while because my problems stayed the same but my coping mechanism - drink- was lost to me.
It can take a while to learn how to live sober and deal with stuff - but don't give up...really reach out and use the support.
Think about whether you're being fair about your sponsor - I'm not judging - only you know the details - but be sure. If you really feel your sponsor is not working for you, maybe it's time to find another?
D
I used to think sobriety would solve all my problems too - it actually made things worse for me for a while because my problems stayed the same but my coping mechanism - drink- was lost to me.
It can take a while to learn how to live sober and deal with stuff - but don't give up...really reach out and use the support.
Think about whether you're being fair about your sponsor - I'm not judging - only you know the details - but be sure. If you really feel your sponsor is not working for you, maybe it's time to find another?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by LaFemme
Hi gnly! Welcome to SR...I have found it a wonderful and inspiring place.
Have you considered an addiction therapist or a therapist to treat depression. Maybe you have underlying issues that can't by dealt with via 12 steps on their own.
Stick around here. We care
Have you considered an addiction therapist or a therapist to treat depression. Maybe you have underlying issues that can't by dealt with via 12 steps on their own.
Stick around here. We care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
Ok so this is one thing that drives me bonkers. AA people "care," to an extent. They don't really care about getting to know me and making friends. I feel like a total moron for thinking a couple people that I had nice conversations with, that they might want to be friends. That was stupid! If it wasn't for wanting to lose 60 lbs I'd be at the bar right now. I feel like my friends I drank with in college give a crap more about me than AA people.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
Sorry for being so negative, I'm pretty good at that.
I think that I should get another sponsor. I woke up thinking aobut her, and I just don't like the way she treats me. I think what happened is I called her up crying about something and she was annoyed. She also has some negative traits that my mother has.
I think that I should get another sponsor. I woke up thinking aobut her, and I just don't like the way she treats me. I think what happened is I called her up crying about something and she was annoyed. She also has some negative traits that my mother has.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Ok so this is one thing that drives me bonkers. AA people "care," to an extent. They don't really care about getting to know me and making friends. I feel like a total moron for thinking a couple people that I had nice conversations with, that they might want to be friends. That was stupid! If it wasn't for wanting to lose 60 lbs I'd be at the bar right now. I feel like my friends I drank with in college give a crap more about me than AA people.
The point of being a sponsor is to teach the BB and spread the message of how other AA members came to recovery. Not sure what your sponsor is trying to do. But you aren't getting the right message from her so yeah, I'd get a new sponsor. Typically a peer with sobriety can be much better match not someone who feels they are "above you."
My sponsor and I laugh and exchange information. We talk about life experience and how it relates to our alcoholism and then look to the big book to see how we can find solutions to OUR issues that lead to the drinking. We help eachother and that's what I've been tought a sponsor is. Someone who is spreading the message of AA and both parties benefit.
Some of the more seasoned peeps here may have a better way of explaining this. AA meetings shouldn't focus on all the negatives and I don't typically leave feeling like you've described. I wonder if your group is being chaired properly???? Anywho, I'm not going to tell you to hang in there but I am going to tell you to question your situation and seek proper help. If you feel this way about your meetings say something! Bring it up in the meeting. What do you have to lose????
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by 1undone
Oh my!!!! You are having a most awful experience and that's not how it should be at all. Is there a peer in the group that isn't, shall we say, trying to practice Psychology on innocent AA members? LOL You also don't need to feel like you are intruding on your sponsor nor do you need to feel that you are being judged for your feelings. 
The point of being a sponsor is to teach the BB and spread the message of how other AA members came to recovery. Not sure what your sponsor is trying to do. But you aren't getting the right message from her so yeah, I'd get a new sponsor. Typically a peer with sobriety can be much better match not someone who feels they are "above you."
My sponsor and I laugh and exchange information. We talk about life experience and how it relates to our alcoholism and then look to the big book to see how we can find solutions to OUR issues that lead to the drinking. We help eachother and that's what I've been tought a sponsor is. Someone who is spreading the message of AA and both parties benefit. Some of the more seasoned peeps here may have a better way of explaining this.
AA meetings shouldn't focus on all the negatives and I don't typically leave feeling like you've described. I wonder if your group is being chaired properly???? Anywho, I'm not going to tell you to hang in there but I am going to tell you to question your situation and seek proper help. If you feel this way about your meetings say something! Bring it up in the meeting. What do you have to lose????
The point of being a sponsor is to teach the BB and spread the message of how other AA members came to recovery. Not sure what your sponsor is trying to do. But you aren't getting the right message from her so yeah, I'd get a new sponsor. Typically a peer with sobriety can be much better match not someone who feels they are "above you."
My sponsor and I laugh and exchange information. We talk about life experience and how it relates to our alcoholism and then look to the big book to see how we can find solutions to OUR issues that lead to the drinking. We help eachother and that's what I've been tought a sponsor is. Someone who is spreading the message of AA and both parties benefit.
Some of the more seasoned peeps here may have a better way of explaining this. AA meetings shouldn't focus on all the negatives and I don't typically leave feeling like you've described. I wonder if your group is being chaired properly???? Anywho, I'm not going to tell you to hang in there but I am going to tell you to question your situation and seek proper help. If you feel this way about your meetings say something! Bring it up in the meeting. What do you have to lose????
There are many things she says that just makes me uncomfortable and self conscious, she points out my behavior both positive and negative. She points out what I wear all the time, I think she's jealous sometimes. I think there's an element of control freak in there. One really strange thing that happened is that she got concert tickets and said that she was afraid to tell me about it...what? Sorry honey, but if I really wanted to go that bad I'd invite myself or find someone to go with. I think the worst is when I called her up crying and she was annoyed.
Thanks so much.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hi, I hope it's helping to come here and get some of that stuff out.
I hope this is good news, what you are going through is really common and normal in early recovery, and in getting involved in a 12 step program.
I am NOT saying that 12 steps programs aren't the way to go, but a newly sober person sometimes gets in there with all sort of glorious expectations, and gets shocked when they find out they are in a room with a bunch of addicts! Being in recovery doesn't take our humanity away. Gosh darn!
At first we are so glad the people and meetings are there, we are terrified and desperate and so glad there's a port in the storm, then we get a wee little bit of sobriety under our belts and we blink a few times and we start seeing all sorta things wrong with meetings, the people the program, our sponsors, etc.
We start getting mad at all the things that are not being done for us the way we want them to be done. And one day while grumbling through our step work, or listening to another recovering addict, or washing the dishes, a realization about self obsession, addiction, and unrealistic expectations hits us.
I felt, thought and said every single thing that you've shared. I've had all those same experiences and got angry, disillusioned and resentful. I tried to convince myself that if I went back out, it would be someone else's fault or the failing of NA. But something in my heart wouldn't quite let me believe that.
If I wanted/needed acceptance of my humanity, and boy was I a hot mess, I saw that all those other recovering addicts, even my sponsor, wanted and needed the same. People might say stupid things, just like I did. They might give me their number and say call me, and then not answer, or act annoyed when I did. Just like I gave out my number and didn't always pick up when someone reached out to me, or I gave them an excuse why I couldn't talk.
There were times when my sponsor called me to "dump" and I was resentful, hey, wasn't she there for ME? What was I supposed to say or do, I didn't know anything?
There were people who came up to me after meetings to criticize how I was working my program, or say something nasty about something I'd shared. That hurt!
So, why I am still here? Because I may not be responsible for my addiction, but I am responsible for my recovery. Because applying the principles of the 12 steps in my life allows me to live clean and grow as a person. Because the program somehow helps even the fallible a-holes, rude people and idiots that come to the meetings stay clean, heck if it can help THEM, it oughta work for someone pretty cool like me!
I was NOT going to let the issues of other individuals rob me of my recovery.
In the end it was that simple. As time went on, and the fog cleared in my mind, heart and life I saw things a little differently, and understood some things I was not capable of before. No, the people didn't become perfect, but that was OK too.
As far as sponsors go, the suggestion is to find someone who has the recovery you want and ask them to be your sponsor. Sometimes they are not going to be able to be there for you, and sometimes they will suggest things you don't want to hear. If there are true compatibility issues, they are pretty much never available,or they are clearly not working the program in their own lives, then it's time to find someone who is a better place to sponsor you.
Hang in there. Don't give up on yourself, and don't give up on them. As they say, stay until the miracle happens, and remember YOU are giving them hope as well. Your showing up for a meeting helps others as well as yourself. Listen for the messages of hope among the tales of heartache and read your literature. Oh, and come here and share and read often!
Hugs and welcome to sobriety!
I hope this is good news, what you are going through is really common and normal in early recovery, and in getting involved in a 12 step program.
I am NOT saying that 12 steps programs aren't the way to go, but a newly sober person sometimes gets in there with all sort of glorious expectations, and gets shocked when they find out they are in a room with a bunch of addicts! Being in recovery doesn't take our humanity away. Gosh darn!
At first we are so glad the people and meetings are there, we are terrified and desperate and so glad there's a port in the storm, then we get a wee little bit of sobriety under our belts and we blink a few times and we start seeing all sorta things wrong with meetings, the people the program, our sponsors, etc.
We start getting mad at all the things that are not being done for us the way we want them to be done. And one day while grumbling through our step work, or listening to another recovering addict, or washing the dishes, a realization about self obsession, addiction, and unrealistic expectations hits us.
I felt, thought and said every single thing that you've shared. I've had all those same experiences and got angry, disillusioned and resentful. I tried to convince myself that if I went back out, it would be someone else's fault or the failing of NA. But something in my heart wouldn't quite let me believe that.
If I wanted/needed acceptance of my humanity, and boy was I a hot mess, I saw that all those other recovering addicts, even my sponsor, wanted and needed the same. People might say stupid things, just like I did. They might give me their number and say call me, and then not answer, or act annoyed when I did. Just like I gave out my number and didn't always pick up when someone reached out to me, or I gave them an excuse why I couldn't talk.
There were times when my sponsor called me to "dump" and I was resentful, hey, wasn't she there for ME? What was I supposed to say or do, I didn't know anything?
There were people who came up to me after meetings to criticize how I was working my program, or say something nasty about something I'd shared. That hurt!
So, why I am still here? Because I may not be responsible for my addiction, but I am responsible for my recovery. Because applying the principles of the 12 steps in my life allows me to live clean and grow as a person. Because the program somehow helps even the fallible a-holes, rude people and idiots that come to the meetings stay clean, heck if it can help THEM, it oughta work for someone pretty cool like me!
I was NOT going to let the issues of other individuals rob me of my recovery.
In the end it was that simple. As time went on, and the fog cleared in my mind, heart and life I saw things a little differently, and understood some things I was not capable of before. No, the people didn't become perfect, but that was OK too.
As far as sponsors go, the suggestion is to find someone who has the recovery you want and ask them to be your sponsor. Sometimes they are not going to be able to be there for you, and sometimes they will suggest things you don't want to hear. If there are true compatibility issues, they are pretty much never available,or they are clearly not working the program in their own lives, then it's time to find someone who is a better place to sponsor you.
Hang in there. Don't give up on yourself, and don't give up on them. As they say, stay until the miracle happens, and remember YOU are giving them hope as well. Your showing up for a meeting helps others as well as yourself. Listen for the messages of hope among the tales of heartache and read your literature. Oh, and come here and share and read often!
Hugs and welcome to sobriety!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. I did realize after a while that it's an orginization just like other orgs. I've belonged to, and I was dissapointed. I just don't know if I can talk to my sponsor. I've tried to share another dissapointment with her and she cuts me off and says sarcastic crap. It's adding up, it's not like just one time she said this, it's like EVERY time I'm with her she says something snippy, or weird to me. I scratch my head going: "Why did she just say that?" I need someone who can level with me. I think she makes these assumptions about me based on her own issues, that just bothers me. I'm going to an AA meeting today and hopefully I can talk with someone about that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 44
I think she has this vision of what she wants me to be and is trying to force it on me. It feels so similar to this friend that I backed away from. She wants to recreate the fun times from her college days, and I'm just not like that. She wanted me to be just like her I think, and want the same things, etc...It didn't feel like my friends at home, where I could just be myself and not feel like I had to be the "same" as them. That feels like what my sponsor is doing.
I get involved with abusive guys, I've sat there and blamed myself and weaved a web of "it's probably me, if I do this..." I'm feeling uncomfortable and I'm not going to sit there and weave a web of: "it's my early sobriety, it's probably my low self esteem and depression..etc..." If someone does something to bother you repeatedly, why sit there and put up with it? I think my sponsor has expectations for me that I need to be just like her, I want someone who can guide me, identify with me, and not say weird assumptive stuff. When people cry it's not because they're being self pitious, sometimes it's out of frustration and anger. I guess if I called her up crying every day she could be annoyed, but not the first and only time.
I get involved with abusive guys, I've sat there and blamed myself and weaved a web of "it's probably me, if I do this..." I'm feeling uncomfortable and I'm not going to sit there and weave a web of: "it's my early sobriety, it's probably my low self esteem and depression..etc..." If someone does something to bother you repeatedly, why sit there and put up with it? I think my sponsor has expectations for me that I need to be just like her, I want someone who can guide me, identify with me, and not say weird assumptive stuff. When people cry it's not because they're being self pitious, sometimes it's out of frustration and anger. I guess if I called her up crying every day she could be annoyed, but not the first and only time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
I'm not an AA person, but from reading your posts, I think you are way too focused on your sponsor. I think it would be helpful to put the focus back onto yourself and your recovery. And, take a look around the forums because there is always something inspirational here to read and there's always someone around to talk to.
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
Congrats on getting a sponser and giving AA a go. I would give this sponser some time and keep an ear out if there is someone in your AA group with some years of sobriety AND an attitude you like with things you want. My emotions were so raw I really couldn't take people talking honestly with me without it feeling like someone was stabbing me in the chest or there was DOOM around me. Every day you wake up you are alive and ready to grow. You may feel pain, frustration, but you are really not in Doom unless you drink or do something dangerous. You are dealing with things on a real level now! Welcome to the Jungle! Hang in there stay sober, give yourself tons of time.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,940
Hi gnly.
I have friends in recovery that work the AA program and sponsor others. They try to understanding their sponsees problems and direct them to the solution as it is laid out in the AA Big Book. Also many times the sponsor will be able to relate to the sponsees problem and show them how they found a solution in the BB.
If that ain't happening, maybe finding another sponsor would be a good idea.
I have friends in recovery that work the AA program and sponsor others. They try to understanding their sponsees problems and direct them to the solution as it is laid out in the AA Big Book. Also many times the sponsor will be able to relate to the sponsees problem and show them how they found a solution in the BB.
If that ain't happening, maybe finding another sponsor would be a good idea.
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